Relationship OCD

[Josrobo]

Hi,

This is my first time on here as a new member and it comes as a relief to have the opportunity to speak to other people whose family members suffer with OCD.

My Son is 24 and suffers from relationship OCD with intrusive thoughts. He continually believes his girlfriend is cheating on him. This is very tough on his girlfriend with whom he lives but she has been incredibly supportive. My son’s OCD has caused him to have suicidal thoughts and plagued him every day. The smallest thing can set him off. The most recent is a work colleague using a nickname when referring to my sons girlfriend. My son has convinced himself that they are seeing each other behind his back. He questions his girlfriend constantly to try and catch her out and badgers her to admit to something she hasn’t done. Funnily enough he wouldn’t dream of accusing the work mate, I think he subconsciously knows it isn’t true but feels compelled to question her. This is the third colleague he has accused her of seeing behind his back. My son has spent a lot of money on allaying his fears; CCTV installed in flat so he can watch the front door when at work, persuading his girlfriend to take two professional lie detector tests at huge expense. Of course none of these are moral and don’t solve the underlying issues. He has been to GP, now takes Fluoxetine which has helped a little, been to counselling for CBT therapy, limited success, been involved with the local crisis team and is currently awaiting a psychological assessment from our local MHT. This has affected his family and his relationship greatly and is so distressing to watch. Has anyone had a similar experience?

[Headwreck]

5 hours ago, Josrobo said:

Hi,

This is my first time on here as a new member and it comes as a relief to have the opportunity to speak to other people whose family members suffer with OCD.

My Son is 24 and suffers from relationship OCD with intrusive thoughts. He continually believes his girlfriend is cheating on him. This is very tough on his girlfriend with whom he lives but she has been incredibly supportive. My son’s OCD has caused him to have suicidal thoughts and plagued him every day. The smallest thing can set him off. The most recent is a work colleague using a nickname when referring to my sons girlfriend. My son has convinced himself that they are seeing each other behind his back. He questions his girlfriend constantly to try and catch her out and badgers her to admit to something she hasn’t done. Funnily enough he wouldn’t dream of accusing the work mate, I think he subconsciously knows it isn’t true but feels compelled to question her. This is the third colleague he has accused her of seeing behind his back. My son has spent a lot of money on allaying his fears; CCTV installed in flat so he can watch the front door when at work, persuading his girlfriend to take two professional lie detector tests at huge expense. Of course none of these are moral and don’t solve the underlying issues. He has been to GP, now takes Fluoxetine which has helped a little, been to counselling for CBT therapy, limited success, been involved with the local crisis team and is currently awaiting a psychological assessment from our local MHT. This has affected his family and his relationship greatly and is so distressing to watch. Has anyone had a similar experience?

Hello and welcome to the forum

I have experience first hand. I accused my partner for 4 years of cheating on me. It's lead me to the predicament I'm in now where I went looking to cheat by means to neutralise the thoughts I was having about my partner and now I'm convinced that I have cheated. 

I can't say how I got over it because I didn't, it has simply switched focus. I thought it for years and literally one day I woke up and after those long four years I didn't believe that anymore. I don't think my partner has cheated on me but I don't enjoy that sudden knowledge because now I think I have cheated on him. 

I suggest he continues with treatment and medication, and tries his hardest to not get pulled into the compulsions as they'll only continue to escalate. His partner is probably enabling his behaviour (through no fault of her own whatsoever) by answering questions, offering reassurance etc. but this keeps the beast breathing.

From my experience, nothing quenches the desire to prove yourself right, he will only continue to find more and more things which are 'questionable' to him. I also found myself to become quite resentful towards my partner because I felt he was keeping 'the truth' from me and in turn hurting me on purpose. If my partner tried to tell me it was OCD, I would get worse because I'd convince myself that he was 'gaslighting' me (not sure if this term is well known but basically means I thought he was making me think I was mentally ill in order to get away with things). I mention these things to maybe give you an idea of his thought processes. Of course we are not all the same but it shows the paths of thought it can lead you down. 

Your son can get over this but it sure as anything will take a lot of hard work and understanding from both himself and others around him. 

Edited March 3, 2018 by Headwreck

[Headwreck]

PS. sorry if it's not as informative as needed. I can't really say much about treatment etc. as I have only started treatment myself recently. I feel for both your son and his partner, and you as a family member who can sometimes only stand by and watch. This disorder ruins lives and there can be so much unintentional collateral damage. But he is taking the right steps by being under medical care.

As far as I'm aware, the treatment for any OCD is the same but obviously tailored to match the theme. CBT is the flagship treatment for this disorder so if he's not seeing a therapist specialising in OCD & CBT then I'd suggest that this is the first thing on his agenda. There are options privately that cut out the NHS waiting times which can be costly but are worth their weight in gold if it means quality of life is improved. 

There are also loads of members here who are very experienced and knowledgeable so I'm sure there will be others here who are able to assist you better than I have but hope I've given some insight

Edited March 3, 2018 by Headwreck

[Josrobo]

Thank you so much Headwreck for this insight. It has been and continues to be a very difficult time for my son and his girlfriend and close family. It offers some relief to speak with someone who knows how it feels. There seems to be a lot of information around about compulsion’s and hygiene but it is difficult to find information about relationship OCD and when I do find anything it is usually about believing the sufferer has cheated and not vice versa as in my son; though I suspect one is as distressing as the other. I have read and researched as much as I can to try and understand as much as I can. I am hopeful that treatment will help but the NHS wheels move slowly. We have been told that private help will mean he can no longer be on the waiting list for NHS help so we’ll hang fire for a while and hope things happen soon. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and very best wishes with your own treatment and future happiness.

 

[Headwreck]

3 minutes ago, Josrobo said:

Thank you so much Headwreck for this insight. It has been and continues to be a very difficult time for my son and his girlfriend and close family. It offers some relief to speak with someone who knows how it feels. There seems to be a lot of information around about compulsion’s and hygiene but it is difficult to find information about relationship OCD and when I do find anything it is usually about believing the sufferer has cheated and not vice versa as in my son; though I suspect one is as distressing as the other. I have read and researched as much as I can to try and understand as much as I can. I am hopeful that treatment will help but the NHS wheels move slowly. We have been told that private help will mean he can no longer be on the waiting list for NHS help so we’ll hang fire for a while and hope things happen soon. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and very best wishes with your own treatment and future happiness.

 

That's no problem at all. If you have any other questions then by all means ask away. I'm not so good with therapy queries etc. but kind of feel as though I have a wealth of (unwanted!) experience in the subject that your son is dealing with at the moment. All the best. 

[carolj]

On 3 March 2018 at 13:31, Headwreck said:

From my experience, nothing quenches the desire to prove yourself right

Out of all you have said Headwreck, this I think sums it up.   As I have heard said before, a sufferer needs certainty and there is no certainty in life.  My son suffers with this and as Headwreck also says OCD can change focus, as it has with my son many times.

My son sees a psychiatrist who has many years experience of OCD and she always tells him that if he stops his rituals, which are mainly performed in his head, she won't promise him whatever he is worried about won't happen, that's what life is like, uncertain.  If something does happen, he can also be convinced he made it happen with his thoughts and then you can get 'I told you so', when actually its just life.

Its incredibly hard for us non-sufferers to understand how all consuming this can be.  We would be sad if a relationship broke up, but it does happen to most of us at some time.

I feel for all of you and especially your son's girlfriend.  When he has treatment, she is going to have to start resisting his demands for reassurance and that will probably be even harder, but reassurance doesn't work, it just makes OCD demand more, as the lie detector tests showed.

I hope your son gets the help he needs very soon and they can start working on it together.  We are all here if we can be of help.  Carol 

 

 

[Josrobo]

Thank you Carolej, I am doing my best to understand my sons thought processes, reading recommended literature and have attended mental health training as part of my role in a school. I cannot even imagine how hard it is for my son or put myself in his shoes but I am, through my efforts getting a little closer. For now, it is enough to share my feelings with other parents/ suffers of this dreadful condition and feel some comfort from the fact I have people I can turn to.

I continue to be hopeful, without hope we are nothing, that my son will, at least, show some improvement and learn to cope with this.

Thank you again

 

Jos

[PolarBear]

Although we try here not to apply labels to what people are suffering other than OCD, your son is not suffering from relationship OCD. 

Relationship OCD is a type where a sufferer believes something has negatively changed in a relationship. For instance that the sufferer does not love their partner anymore.

 

[carolj]

As you say PolarBear, OCD is OCD and Jos' son getting help is the really important of part of this and him beginning to understand why he feels like this.  

[Josrobo]

Thank you for your comments Polar Bear. As you quote, labels do not help. OCD is complex and personal to the individual. I do not feel you have enough information to say what kind of OCD my son has and your comments are not helpful . Cheating OCD , related to relationship OCD, has two sub types; those who believe they have or will cheat or whose partners are not good enough for them and those who believe they have been cheated on. My son has a diagnosis and I came on here to share support strategies, seek reassurance and perhaps give some Support to others. Your bold statement is neither helpful or accurate 

[snowbear]

37 minutes ago, Josrobo said:

Cheating OCD , related to relationship OCD, has two sub types

Hi Josrobo,

Perhaps I should help clarify.  What we're all saying here to try to help you, is there is no such thing as cheating OCD or relationship OCD. There are no subtypes of OCD. Whatever the theme, it's all just OCD.

Dividing OCD into types is unhelpful because it puts focus on the theme the sufferer is worried about instead of tackling the thinking problem itself (the OCD.) It makes therapy/recovery a lot easier if we accept it's all OCD and the theme is irrelevant. Then, instead of getting bogged down in relationship details that don't matter, it's possible to see the skewed thinking processes behind the worries.

Sadly there are a lot of therapists out there still subdividing OCD. I often wonder if they properly understand the problem they're trying to treat!

Hopefully when the mental health team do their assessment they will recommend more CBT for your son, but with a therapist who can see past the theme issues. 

Meanwhile, may I suggest that rather than trying to understand his thought processes you arm yourself with knowledge about compulsions and how to help him recognise these and resist doing them. Family can be a huge support by refusing to co-operate with compulsions.  

On 03/03/2018 at 17:20, Josrobo said:

There seems to be a lot of information around about compulsion’s and hygiene but it is difficult to find information about relationship OCD and when I do find anything it is usually about believing the sufferer has cheated and not vice versa as in my son

This is why it's more useful to think of it as OCD rather than as 'relationship OCD'. There are a million and one things OCD can be about and the text books can't describe them all individually. But the treatment is identical - identify and stop the compulsions, and tackle the misinterpretation thinking process. 

In every case of OCD there will be one or more obsessions (in your son's case, thoughts about being cheated on.) In every case the person is doing compulsions which keep the obsessive thoughts alive. These can be visible compulsions (the equivalent of hand washing if you like) , or invisible compulsions such as mental checking and ruminating.

Checking the CCTV is a compulsion (having it installed was a compulsion), questioning his girlfriend is a compulsion, making her take lie detector tests was a compulsion. Suicidal thoughts come from ruminating, silently going over it in his head and the frustration of being unable to find an answer that satisfies. Ruminating is a compulsion.

With this in mind perhaps you can better relate to what you've read about other OCD themes and the advice given on stopping compulsions? Stopping hand washing in someone with a hygiene theme is identical to your son not checking the CCTV camera for his being cheated on theme. They are both compulsions which keep the faulty OCD thinking going. 

CBT is a combination of tackling the faulty thinking and stopping the compulsive behaviour, so that's what he needs. Have you had any word on when the MHT are going to do their assessment?