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I’m having a really tough time at the moment. Currently away from home working overseas. I’m having a lot of past memories come back to haunt me. Years ago I never knew about ocd when I had my child. It hit me terribly when I became s mother. I was petrified. I had both harm and POCD it haunted me 24 hours a day. I wish I had got help. The internet wasn’t around then and nothing was spoken about. When I was diagnosed it was utter relief. The problem I have is the compulsions I have taken part in. I realise now any groinal response etc was 100% ocd. I’m not attracted and never have been to children that’s why I couldn’t understand it. What I’m worryong about is the compulsions I would carry out before I knew it was ocd. I thought I was doing the right thing to check I hadn’t done anything wrong and now I’m scared I did the wrong thing. I couldn’t help it my head wouldn’t let me stop at the time. I’ve never read anywhere about anyone else carrying out compulsions where POCD concerned and that’s why I’m scared I’ve done something wrong. 

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Every sufferer, regardless the OCD theme, performs compulsions. It is common for people to, at some point, to feel guilty over the compulsions they did. 

You need to get past that. You didn't know any better. Now you do. Don't live in the past. Live for today and hope for tomorrow.

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Hello and thank you for responding. Do you mean other people actively do compulsions with POCD? I’ve never read of any other than people who have the worry and access porn or look at pictures. Neither of which I have done as I’ve always known I hadn’t been attracted to children. My POCD was in the form of bodily contact if that makes any sense. That’s why I’m worried about the compulsions. I did them to check I had done nothing wrong if that makes sense. 

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Hi Running Lover,

Checking compulsions like this are incredibly common.  They don't mean anything.  But analysing them and seeking reassurance will make your OCD worse and worse.  As hard as it is, try to leave this thought be and don't engage with it, even though it makes your anxious.  x

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Running Lover,

I work as a school teacher and have been crippled with fear that I might feel or have felt something inappropriate for a student (geez, I've never written openly in any forums about this thought since it is my absolute worst fear ever, worse than cheating which used to be my main obsession for so long, but hopefully you guys will not judge me for having had that thought). The "what if-thought" popped into my mind once and I have been forcing myself to think of it to check whether I would feel something/enjoy the thought of something and whether there was actually any truth behind that thought. Iiiiiik. It completely disgusts me. 

But, does the mental checking make me a bad teacher? I know the right answer is no (but of course my OCD tries to tell me yes). We do these things to check that we are not what we fear. You can't blame yourself for that. The only thing it proves is your OCD. I have always dreamt of working as a teacher and now I do, I can't let OCD take that away from me. Don't let OCD steal anything from you. x

Edited by hedvig
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Getting filled with worry that a lot in my answer to you was maybe too much of a compulsion, a reassurance to myself. That I shouldn't have written about it. 

But hopefully my message to you about the mental checking comes across anyway and you can identify with what I wrote and try not to engage in any thoughts saying that you have done bad by performing these compulsions in the past. 

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Thank you for response. Mine wasn’t mental checking though it was physical if that makes sense. I’m not a peodophile and 100% have no interest in children it disgusts me like you wouldn’t believe. I was just so scared. I couldn’t help the compulsions I thought I was doing the right thing by checking. 

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It's still checking. Leave it. Do not continue telling yourself you did it for a reason, that you are not what you fear. That's keeping the thought alive. When the thought of the compulsion enters your mind, think to yourself that "oh well, that was that, moving on". I know this isn't as easy as it sounds but we got to do it! 

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It's only so wrong to you. You can firgive yourself anything.

Your mind has latched onto this and made a big deal out of it. You are making things worse by doing compulsions, notably ruminating.

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Hi there,

I am in the same boat - and i have to tell you - its all ocd. For example - I hug my son ( in pampers and clothes! ) And press him against my body and 1) it feels disgusting as if i am abusing him, 2) to prove myself i keep on doing that. 3) guilt all the time.

Now i know its ocd and i still hug him because it a compulsion not to but! you have to realize any possibility ocd can find- it will grasp it! any.

So let go of guil and say to yourself you are a wonderful mom! To survive this- I have ocd for many years and PTSD but this form of ocd is the worst thing that ever happened in my head. 

Good luck love! You are not alone

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Also! fear and arousal feel are very close, so even if you hugged him to check if you were aroused- you probably felt fear. Its important to remember ocd is a hook which takes anything as bait. The fact that you are writing here feeling bad is a proof that it is ocd. So my advice - work on that and it will let go of your mind.

 

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I’ve had the thing with the hugging and many others. But this is to do with (sorry for graphic ) when tchilfren are little and climb on you and are not careful where they put their hands (obviously they are just being kids). It made me so ill I was so worried because I thought I was controlling the groinal response therefore thought I’d done something wrong and then I had to check. It was 100% for no sexual gratification it made me feel sick. I would avoid contact with my child at all costs if I could help it but then when contact came in to play the hideous compulsions would take place. I just couldn’t help it. I had to check. I was so frightened. As I said before I’m not a peodophile and have no interest in kids it repulses me

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I adore children. It makes me so very sad I’ve been robbed of close contact with my child who is now fully grown. I feel so down and stupid for not getting any help. I could have stopped all this from happening. I was in such a state. Young Mum. Terrified. Sometimes I feel I’d be better dead than have to live with this guilt 

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It's what polar bear says - perception, but it's very tough! I avoid any contact that "feels" wrong but since two weeks I try to hold him against my body , and all I can think about is the presence of his genitals so close which gives me dreadful anxiety. At the same time I am hyper focused on the sensory in the body. Do I feel something there? Do I feel

something here? And so on:(

I still push myself but I do believe when you feel like a pedophile everything "feels" dirty. So talk to your therapist about this moments that bother you. It's important to know where you are at. 

Hugs!

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THankyou. It’s the worst feeling in the world. It’s completely ruined my life. My child is all grown up now. I was in such s state at the time. I really didn’t know what was happening and I was so compelled to check I literally couldn’t stop myself it was the only way I knew how to figure if I’d done something wrong. Now I’m having ocd about the compulsions. The strange thing is at the time I didn’t worry that I’d done the compulsions as I truly thought I was doing the right thing checking. Little did I realise I was being abusive by checking. My heads all over the place. I don’t feel I deserve to live 

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How are you abusive? I don't see it on your text I am sorry. Maybe I just didn't understand, my English is not that great:) does your child struggling now from this? How do you know you was abusive? I mean ocd can tell you anything.

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I feel that my checking compulsions I carried out were not right. My child is all grown up and had no problems. We are very close now and loves me very much as do I. I’d do anything for my child. I’m just so upset this nasty thing had me doing things I shouldn’t and would never do had not been under grips of ocd. I was absolutely under the spell. Didn’t know what it was. Terrified. 

Edited by Running Lover
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