This has no OCD explanation hence I'm horrible.

[lily17]

I was in bed and as always afraid to lie on my side because of sexual thoughts come to me of my little sister. So I decided to lie on my side on purpose to manage my reaction to the thought, well I ended up smiling, SMILING AS I WAS LYING ON MY SIDE WITH MY THIGHS TOUCHING AND HENCE MY PRIVATE PARTS. I smiled to it, I liked it. It wasn't a sexual thought, it was just a thought of my sister, no images, nothing. But I smiled on purpose and I'm guilty. Then I performed the action again and I didn’t like it, it disgusted me. So what's the truth and why did I have to smile, was I playing myself, I really need help I don't remember if I squeezed my thighs because I did that after it to test myself but I don't remember if I squeezed them the first time when I smiled. Help. Me. I want to end this. 

Edited March 9, 2018 by lily17

[Ashley]

OCD does have an explanation Lily, but for whatever reason, maybe you don't want to or OCD is not letting you, you refuse to accept or understand how OCD impacts on you, hence this exact same post every couple of days. 

As mentioned before, you need to perhaps spend less time writing this post out, and more time reading the replies from other forum users to your earlier postings on here. 

[Isthisreality]

Here we go again Lily. I don't see any difference in this post than your other posts. It haven't even changed thought.

You can't stop the thoughts from entering your head.

Edited March 9, 2018 by Isthisreality

[lily17]

I smiled guys, I freaking smiled while I was squeezing my thighs thinking of my sister then it was hard to maintain the smile and I broke down because it was horrible,this was the second time because the first time I didn't squeeze my thighs I just lay on my side but as I wasn't sure if I squeezed them the first time, I did it the second time as a punishment. Was it all a dirty play I performed to myself, the smiling thing? It didn't feel like it, I was believing it. 

[Isthisreality]

Are you staying at home all day?

Try your hardest to get out.

 

[lily17]

Just now, Isthisreality said:

Are you staying at home all day?

Try your hardest to get out.

 

Yes, I'm in bed. I just can't get out I'm so ill. 

[Isthisreality]

1 minute ago, lily17 said:

Yes, I'm in bed. I just can't get out I'm so ill. 

Well that is the absolute worst place you could stay in/at.

Edited March 9, 2018 by Isthisreality

[PhilM]

If you stay in bed ruminating you're pretty much guaranteed to feel worse believe me.

[lily17]

My mum made me get out of me (kindly) I've had lunch and I feel slightly better, thank you. 

[Ashley]

That's great you're feeling better Lily, but long time this can't go on, so, you really need to stop posting every time you are triggered (which I am guessing is a reassurance type compulsion rather than a need for information) and take time to understand and learn what is happening (i.e. understand OCD).

I am going to have no choice but to lock all future topics.

[lily17]

No, don't do it Ashley please... I'm having a huge setback and I need support. I need to know if OCD can make you feel like you should smile and it can make you feel like you wanna do something, can it? Can OCD do everything???

[Ashley]

You've been given support for months, all you do is post the same post every day, so we're supporting but there's no evidence you're learning.  We can't allow our forum to be part of your OCD rituals, it's not healthy for either party. 

[Isthisreality]

You are only searching for reassurabce Lily

[lily17]

It's not the same post. Today is different. What I've done today marked my life forever. I gave in to the thoughts, because I thought I would like it and I smiled and I liked it... 

[snowbear]

Today isn't different, Lily. It's exactly the same thing as before. You have a thought (or perform an action) and then tell yourself it means something. It doesn't mean anything. It's just a thought/smile/moment. Give yourself permission to let it go. 

 

[lily17]

31 minutes ago, snowbear said:

Today isn't different, Lily. It's exactly the same thing as before. You have a thought (or perform an action) and then tell yourself it means something. It doesn't mean anything. It's just a thought/smile/moment. Give yourself permission to let it go. 

 

Snowbear, I felt like I wanted to do it and I did it, smiled while doing it and liked it. Then I repeated and I didn't like it (though I don't know if I smiled again) how is this connected to OCD... the smile symbolizes something here. 

[snowbear]

14 minutes ago, lily17 said:

I felt like I wanted to do it and I did it, smiled while doing it and liked it. Then I repeated and I didn't like it (though I don't know if I smiled again) how is this connected to OCD... the smile symbolizes something here. 

You experimented (as people your age do). You found you liked some bits of what you did and you found out other bits make you feel guilty. But instead of shrugging it off you're looking for meaning in it. That's where the OCD part comes in. Having decided that smiling/enjoying bits must mean something, you're now going over it and doing compulsions to try to make yourself feel better.

So you repeated the experiment - a compulsion. It made you feel worse instead of better. So now you're doing more compulsions, posting about it here, seeking reassurance, trying to sort it.

You can't sort it. What's done is done. But you don't need to sort it. Because it meant nothing. Let it go. Stop doing compulsions like confessing on here, going over it, seeking reassurance, checking your feelings, looking for meaning etc. All these compulsions keep the guilty feelings alive and serve no useful purpose. 

[Isthisreality]

36 minutes ago, lily17 said:

Snowbear, I felt like I wanted to do it and I did it, smiled while doing it and liked it. Then I repeated and I didn't like it (though I don't know if I smiled again) how is this connected to OCD... the smile symbolizes something here. 

Lily are you honestly doing anything to change?

[lily17]

43 minutes ago, snowbear said:

You experimented (as people your age do). You found you liked some bits of what you did and you found out other bits make you feel guilty. But instead of shrugging it off you're looking for meaning in it. That's where the OCD part comes in. Having decided that smiling/enjoying bits must mean something, you're now going over it and doing compulsions to try to make yourself feel better.

So you repeated the experiment - a compulsion. It made you feel worse instead of better. So now you're doing more compulsions, posting about it here, seeking reassurance, trying to sort it.

You can't sort it. What's done is done. But you don't need to sort it. Because it meant nothing. Let it go. Stop doing compulsions like confessing on here, going over it, seeking reassurance, checking your feelings, looking for meaning etc. All these compulsions keep the guilty feelings alive and serve no useful purpose. 

It felt like I wanted to do it because I would like it and I even smiled..... Can OCD do this much honestly it felt genuine

Anyway I'm not going to take your whole paragraph for granted, thank you so much this helped me a lot I'm gonna try not to give it much importance and never do it again. Not experiments/tests ever again. 

Edited March 9, 2018 by lily17

[lily17]

34 minutes ago, Isthisreality said:

Lily are you honestly doing anything to change?

I can't do it at this moment I feel so much guilt 

[Isthisreality]

2 minutes ago, lily17 said:

I can't do it at this moment I feel so much guilt 

So you are admitting you are just after the reassurance. 

I know it sucks Lily but nobody can force you doing the work or in your case even thinking about it.

[lily17]

Do you all think what I've done was just a test as I've done many times 

[Isthisreality]

We know you are doing compulsions like crazy. And we don't want people to suffer and reassurance just increases the suffering. 

[lily17]

14 minutes ago, Isthisreality said:

We know you are doing compulsions like crazy. And we don't want people to suffer and reassurance just increases the suffering. 

Compulsions like testing myself? Testing/experimenting is the same right? Sorry for being like this

[Isthisreality]

I am afraid i can't answer that question. Because i feel like you are so deep down in the thoughts. It really is not just us being tired of your threads, it is actually us knowing that you are getting worse.