Guilt - advice ideally, not reassurance.

[fightoffyourdemons]

Hi there,

This forum and site has long been a comfort and reassurance for me in the 20+ years of being a sufferer. I have tried to fight this for a few days but I am reaching breaking point, where I feel the urge to confess to my s/o - which I don't want to do.

I'm hoping that my sharing my thoughts here, it will help me and any advice that can be given about if I have fundamentally done something wrong, would  be greatly appreciated.

For some context - I'm male and a sufferer of chronic OCD and BPD and have been all of my life. I am in a committed long term relationship with my girlfriend and I have historic issues with guilt.

The guilt I am currently experiencing relates to something which happened quite a few weeks ago (and although I felt initial pangs of guilt at the time, it went away, until the last week when I have been struck down with a virus, leading me to lay in bed and ruminate constantly. The fact it went away and has come back leads me to think it's the OCD but I can't be sure).

Basically, I sing in a band and one of our fans and I became quite good friends over a year or so ago. She is gay, meaning I have never had any issues with worries or guilt before and I have always had a good, healthy relationship with her. She is moderately attractive, but that is by the by.

A few weeks ago, she came to see us play live. It's worth noting we are only friends through her love of my band. My girlfriend was unable to make it (her being there is usually enough to stop any feelings of guilt) but myself and my friend hung out with the female in question. She also brought her friend along (who I did not find remotely attractive). I am usually a confident person, who is outgoing and who likes to 'show off' a little bit, but nothing sinister in it.

The four of us were talking and hanging out for a few hours of the night (along with my family and other band mates) and I was feeling very relaxed and chilled out. I remember thinking "I'm not panicking, I'm relaxing". I hugged my female friend twice when she arrived - we don't get to see each other much but she's a really cool person - and felt guilty about that, mainly because she was looking more attractive than she has before (my male friend also commented on that). We hung out and I think I was enjoying the fact that there were two people there who liked our band and it was a confidence boost. There was nothing seedy or flirting about how we were talking or anything like that, I was just "playing it cool". I was interacting exactly the same way with my female friend and her unattractive friend (probably more joking around with her friend) yet I felt very guilty that I was doing something wrong. As some additional context, things with my girlfriend and I have been a bit up and down for the last few months and our sex life had decreased quite a bit. I struggle with feeling affection and love from her, although I don't think that played a part.

After the show I asked my friend if I had done anything inappropriate and he laughed and couldn't believe I had asked him. He said absolutely not. It's normal to show off sometimes and hang out and if I didn't find one of them slightly attractive I wouldn't be worrying about it. That was enough for me, but over the last few days the guilt has come back. Potentially because things with my girlfriend have seemed better - I now feel like I have cheated on her somehow, even though at most I was very midly flirting with someone (although I don't think I was - I was just showing off a bit to a couple of people who like my band and was feeling relaxed in the company of friends).

I am going out of my head here and any advice, thoughts, comfort would be appreciated. Am I a bad person? Have I messed up? It's been leading me to thoughts of self-harm and the feeling that I am trapped and can't escape. Am I being too hard on myself? Am I only human?

Apologies for rambling on and thank you.

foyd x

[PolarBear]

Heh, well you are asking for reassurance. You already got it from your bandmate, who told you nothing happened. That didn't satisfy you for long and now you need another shot of reassurance, hoping the anxiety will subside.

Typical OCD. Your mind fixated on an everyday thing and blew its importance into a huge deal. That distressed you and responded with compulsions, notably ruminating.

Stop the compulsions, stop the guilt. You also need to see this in a different light. Are you supposed to avoid all female contact forever?

[Isthisreality]

Have this forum been around 20 years? Didnt know that