This is a compulsion, right?

[Ryukil]

So I had a bad thought about my mother when I was out in the living room, along with the groinal response. I told myself that I WAS turned on by it (ERP) and then continued writing in my French book (making it "contaminated" and, to my mind, showing myself I'm okay with being turned on by the thought and therefore okay with incest). I then caught myself saying, "Come on, you weren't actually turned on, that's just the groinal response."

I guess it definitely is a compulsion. But something like that is to keep me from just throwing out the contaminated French notebook, or at least it helps...

[Ashley]

2 minutes ago, Ryukil said:

Come on, you weren't actually turned on, that's just the groinal response.

 

This is a neutralising compulsion yes, it's something of a common error people make when doing exposure work, to sometimes unwittingly neutralise with a compulsion.

 

[Ryukil]

Yup...well. I'm getting better at agreeing with the thoughts, generally. I still want to leave therapy so badly. But yeah.

I would just continue doing this on my own, I guess. I think I would be highly motivated to beat it because I wouldn't want to have to go back to therapy. 

[Isthisreality]

Stay in therapy

[Ryukil]

Well, of course everyone says that, and I would give the same advice to a stranger on the Internet. But yeah. 

You guys aren't being told to tell yourself that you want to sexually assault your close relatives.

[Ryukil]

Honestly, me staying in therapy is a little obsessive at this point. I'm terrified that if I quit I'll just be totally screwed and have no hope of getting over this phase of my OCD. That's not true, though...he taught me how to do exposures, I could just do those on my own.

[Isthisreality]

I do admit to being a stranger on the internet, i do! However, both you and I and everybody else here knows what is going on. Your OCD is latching on to the therapy itself. He or she seems to be legit, really. The only thing that makes you wonder if he/she is right or such and such is your OCD. 

 

The only thing which is not obessive in your thinking is what you said about being afraid of having it for the rest of your life. That is a real concern. 

Recovery will be painful, every attempt to avoid the pain should be highly observed by you if you ever want to recover.

Edited March 12, 2018 by Isthisreality

[Ryukil]

Well, I do know that this particular symptom set (intrusive thoughts, contamination fears) would wane over time...it's very normal for my OCD to wax and wane on its own. However, that's not the right attitude, and perhaps the reason it comes and goes year to year is because I never really treated it properly. If I did quit therapy, I would treat it the way my therapist advised me to (so quitting makes even less sense).

The whole thing is I'll get an intrusive thought, worry I enjoyed it, and then anything I do after that is "contaminated" if I don't "undo" it by rethinking it and making sure I didn't enjoy it. I remember in 2016 getting a weird thought while reading a book, but I just ignored it and moved on. That's self-therapy, right? But I guess I did something the wrong way as it got more intense over time. But maybe it just got worse for no real reason. Stress, maybe.

It's kind of like that symptom set is always lying dormant. I remember having it on and off for years. Anyway, I think if I have 15 or 16 sessions I can say that I've worked on it enough with a therapist...and that would be sometime in May, which I'm sure will be here faster than I can say "I think I should quit therapy..."

[Isthisreality]

My situation is the same, i have OCD all year i guess, but it is like counting and organize and it honestly don't give me a feeling of anxiety. It is more like a feeling of needing it to be right. But then do i have those periods which are just dreadful. I feel destroyed/my life is over/i need to end it all. I think it would be best to get in therapy when i have one of those periods, but when the lose their grip of me do i get lazy. And i just get along. 

 

The thing is that we have compulsions going "all the time", some are just less severe than others, and even if we are in a good period could we recover. I am pretty sure one would get those bad periods if they deny the "easy compulsions" when you are in a good period. 

I am not saying that you do it but i tend to not care too much when i am doing better. But it is NOT recovery. 

[Ryukil]

How is therapy in Denmark? I'm assuming you don't really have to pay anything? Have you been able to find any good therapists? I'm guessing they would all be in Copenhagen anyway?

[Isthisreality]

I wrote a long post but i am afraid i will fuel your OCD but i can only tell you that i have myself failed therapy, and i was convinced i didn't need it. I am going back. It is really interesting because i share many of your thoughts about that one could recovery by themselves and it is true in some sense. I will however go through therapy this time, even if i would have none compulsion whatsoever the end of this month (extremely unlikely), when i have the appointment. 

 

Edited March 12, 2018 by Isthisreality

[Ryukil]

Ah, well thanks for trying to not fuel my OCD. I think being in therapy helps motivate you...at least I think that's the case for myself. You know, you have someone to be accountable to and all that, and if I feel the urge to give into a compulsion I know I can hold off until the next session and talk to him about it then.

Also, there are some things I was doing that I didn't really think of as compulsions, like the occasional self-reassurance. I'm still not totally convinced these are compulsions, or convinced they are compulsions that would actually mess up the treatment of the obsession I'm working on, but yeah. I'll just keep doing what he says for now.

[Bodger]

Not sure about agreeing with the thoughts. For me therapy was learning to sit with the thoughts and let them be.

[PolarBear]

4 hours ago, Ryukil said:

Well, of course everyone says that, and I would give the same advice to a stranger on the Internet. But yeah. 

You guys aren't being told to tell yourself that you want to sexually assault your close relatives.

As i told you before, i told myself i am a pedophile and want to have sex with children. Even conjured up images.

Don't give me this 'my situation is different than everyone else' stuff.

[Ryukil]

So that helped you? In retrospect, with your knowledge of cognitive therapy and all that, you still think it's the best approach? I just don't know if it's healthy or wise to repeat these things to yourself constantly. But I guess if it works...

[PolarBear]

I did it and now I'm an ex-sufferer.

[luna blue]

Polar Bear

5 hours ago, PolarBear said:

As i told you before, i told myself i am a pedophile and want to have sex with children. Even conjured up images.

Don't give me this 'my situation is different than everyone else' stuff.

Polar bear Hi,

could you share few examples of What you did to recover? Also how long it took you since starting cbt?

i have been diagnosed with having ocd for 31 years- all different themes - now as I look back it is so clear it has dominated my life and choices but I am 35 and I am very motivated to get better. As you know now I have pedophile themed ocd and would love to have your opinion on handling it. 

As you advised previously I try to give bath and hug my son and just stay through it. I say few times a day that I am a pedophile. I keep a journal where I write down all the exposures and compulsions I did/skipped. But all advise is welcome! 

Thank you so much !

 

[PolarBear]

Really it's standard CBT. I responded well to meds. That helped. But to get rid of the OCD i had to completely change the way I thought and behaved because of the thoughts. No more freaking out over the thoughts. I took to heart that they are just thoughts and don't mean anything. I did ERP.

Most of my obsessions went within a couple of months. It took about a year to get past the pedophile obsessions.

[Ryukil]

Can I ask..you say you took to heart that they are just thoughts...but telling yourself they are just thoughts would be a form of reassurance...

You're not really allowed to acknowledge that when going through therapy.

[luna blue]

Polar bear god bless you! Really man ! This is such great news! I ve been suffering since October 2016 hardcore and your words - they kind of set a limit on this sucker. Thank u!