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Everything is spiralling


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Hi there,

I am in need of some support. Not sure exactly what I am looking for, but I just had to reach out. Bit of background. I have been struggling with my mental health since my late teens and was diagnosed with OCD around that time. I have previously had CBT around 11 years ago, which did help a little. Since then I was given other diagnosis and spent time having various therapy to help with that.

During that time there has been no focus on my OCD and now I am in a very difficult situation. My life is severely restricted and isolated, I do not work/study, 6 out of 7 days a week are spent by myself and I very much repeat the same thing everyday. My mood has been very low and I have coped through unhealthy means. Towards the end of last year I started seeing a new person for support and they were the first in all these years to talk about the OCD and how my life is closing in so much. They made a decision to refer me for CBT. Which I am very grateful for.

However I am struggling really badly with my thoughts and I literally hate myself so much. My moods are very low and I am struggling to get through each day. Let me try and explain. So I constantly go through scenes in my mind. So weeks leading up to appointments with this said person, I go through conversations that I may have with them. If I have an appointment with them I do the same for days afterwards. I question everything I do. So I question whether I am making everything up to get sympathy. That I say certain things to get attention. That I only say certain things to get concern. I analyse how I react in person eg how I sit, where I look. It is driving me insane. I just hate myself. I question everything I do. Like how do I know I am not just lazy and don't want to work. If I see people in cars I question whether if I could drive would I help family out with lifts. Would I be selfish and not want to do it. If I see parents with kids I question if I am too selfish to have children. Would I care about being their carer. Am I just making out that I care. If family talk to me, do I care about what they have to say or do I pretend to care.

Things have been so bad that we have had more frequent appointments and something has happened. For the first time I was able to open myself up and show the distress I am holding on to. The wall had come down. Since then it has awakened thoughts about my childhood, losses and the inner pain I feel/felt growing up. However it is now becoming a problem where I question my motives. Again am I making this all up etc.

I saw a friend recently and opened up a bit about my thoughts, then when I got home I was questioning whether I was making things out to be worse than they are, that I don't want to get better so on.

I have had to see the nurse at my GP practice, a GP and an appointment with the above said person all within a few days and I am struggling not to question my motives.

Sorry if this makes no sense. I struggle to express the exact thoughts I have. I so need to speak to someone about it and have opened up a little. The above thoughts and making scenes/conversations has happened from around 10 years old. I have held this self-hate for so long. I have punished myself in so many ways. Just wish I had someone I could sit down with and let it all out. My concern is that now the wall has come down a little I have made myself vulnerable. I literally struggle to get through each day and don't see the point to anything. I get no pleasure. 

How is it possible to move forward. Because I am beating myself up for finally showing some of the distress. It is becoming more visible to certain people that there is a lot I am holding on to.

I struggle with other obsessions that severely restrict me, but it is the above that destroys any sense of self-worth. My GP offered to book another appointment, but I turned it down, because if I see them I am just going to question if I am doing it for attention.

I just get so distressed by all this and wouldn't wish it on anyone. I just want to see a point to life, because I am struggling to see what is out there whilst in this position. It is hard to reach out when it makes me question more.

Just wondered if anyone can relate. I just don't know what to do.

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Hi Jamie,

Welcome to the forum and I am sorry to hear you are reaching out in such distressing circumstances.  OCD can take so much out of life, it is a rotten illness and it sounds like you have been really suffering for a long time.

I am not an expert at all but it sounds to me like you may be suffering with depression as well as OCD? Which is very common as OCD can attack you relentlessly which would make anybody feel down. Has anyone said anything about this to you?

I can identify with questioning motives.  I often worry about whether I am being deceitful/self-absorbed/melodramatic or whatever and this worry can form the basis of an OCD obsession in itself.

I don't really know what advice to offer other than to hang in there, keep going to your appointments, and keep reaching out here or elsewhere.  There is a wealth of support and information on this forum that can really help.  Also, do you have any self-help books about OCD? There are some really good ones around which explain how compulsions feed the problem and keep OCD alive, and how to address this.

I really hope things start to look up for you soon.

xx

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Hi,

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I would agree I am struggling with depression too. The state of my day to day functioning is so restricted it just feeds in to a low mood and feeling of hopelessness. 

I have read a number of books on OCD and how to try and work through my obsessions. I can understand the logic completely. I can see the problem whereby it is how I am creating meaning to my thoughts and not the actual thoughts themselves. I've been told that change needs to happen because the more restrictive I become the worse it is getting. It is so weird because a lot of what I do is to keep myself safe and out of danger. I should say a fear of something happening. However by me restricting my daily functioning I am putting myself in a position where my moods are so low it is hard to stay safe. So basically I am functioning in a way to protect myself, but in doing this I am suffering more. I just cannot work out why I can't make the change.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I have no motivation for anything. Literally my day is going to the café for a tea and doing some food shopping. That is it. I am finding it difficult to be around people, my eating hasn't been great either.

I think like you say I just have to keep up with appointments and I will have to just try and make small changes.

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