I Can’t Get Free From This

[Oceanblue]

So having already suffered from all manner of harm related intrusive thoughts and false memories,news broke one day on the radio of an arson attack and I immediately panicked as one of my themes is connecting myself to news stories and having massive fear thoughts afterwards. I confided this to my therapist and she said that I needed to stop this or next thing I would be coming back having linked myself to all manner of terrible things that have happened including a particularly horrific incident which involved an arson attack killing a family years ago and of course this particular incident is what i’m now stuck on.I can’t get it out of my head and the more I worry,the more fear thoughts and detail is coming into my mind and making it all seem more believable even though to anyone else it would seem proposterous.  It’s driving me insane. I don’t know how much more my brain can take. It’s been so long now going back and forth with all of this and the torment is devastating me. 

[paradoxer]

The way to 'get free from this' is really not to try. The more you struggle - the more importance is attached to your fears. Try to let the thoughts come and go, but don't pay attention to them (and one of OCD's most insidious tools - don't ruminate).  

[Isthisreality]

What patadoxer wrote. Soooooooo important!!

[Oceanblue]

Yes I think I can relate to this as the more I think about something and try to reason with myself as to how it couldn’t be true,it gives the whole thing more energy.  I guess this was giving it mental energy  and therefore ruminating? 

[efes]

BTW, are you going through the same thing as I am: episodes that are week-long or longer? 

[PolarBear]

45 minutes ago, Oceanblue said:

Yes I think I can relate to this as the more I think about something and try to reason with myself as to how it couldn’t be true,it gives the whole thing more energy.  I guess this was giving it mental energy  and therefore ruminating? 

Stop trying to reason with yourself. Stop trying to prove you did or did not do something. No one else does that.

Edited March 22, 2018 by PolarBear

[Oceanblue]

I know. My mind’s just a mess at the moment. For example I’m even starting to link up the most innane of things. For example if I have a sore finger..I’ll get anxiety and think does this seem familiar from years ago. Maybe I had a sore finger after doing that terrible thing that I’m currently obsessing over and my anxiety levels will start soaring. It’s almost as if anything and everything has the potential to trigger me at the moment or be a link back to my fear thoughts. 

[Oceanblue]

Also i just thought about the sore finger again and my mental dialogue was ‘What if the night I did that terrible thing I came home with a pain in my finger like this’ Then I freaked out cause ‘the night I did..’ sounds like I  definitely did it but then I remembered that it started with ‘What if’ but then I worry if in that split second moment  my mental dialogue definitely did say ‘What if’ at the beginning? It’s just so tiring and I know I’m being frustrating and annoying with this but I just badly need some advice right now. 

[Oceanblue]

Sorry efes I am just noticing your question and yes some episodes can be definitely a week long or longer. I’ve had some that have lasted months. Hope you feel better soon. 

[PolarBear]

9 hours ago, Oceanblue said:

Also i just thought about the sore finger again and my mental dialogue was ‘What if the night I did that terrible thing I came home with a pain in my finger like this’ Then I freaked out cause ‘the night I did..’ sounds like I  definitely did it but then I remembered that it started with ‘What if’ but then I worry if in that split second moment  my mental dialogue definitely did say ‘What if’ at the beginning? It’s just so tiring and I know I’m being frustrating and annoying with this but I just badly need some advice right now. 

Those kinds of auestions that pop up are intrusive. Don't analyze them. Don't ruminate over them. You don't have to answer them. You are allowed to leave them alone.

[Oceanblue]

Thanks Polar Bear. I think leaving things alone is key for me as every time my anxiety is triggered I feel like I have to reason with myself as to why and try to make sense of it. Problem with that is that whenever I’m going through a bad episode like now,the smallest thing causes my anxiety to soar. For example,earlier whilst looking up the TV guide I seen that a reality show about a cop bodycam squad was coming on and my anxiety started to rise. I wondered why and figured it was because my current theme is linking myself to crime stories so that was why. But then there’s that tormenting voice in my head that says maybe it’s a sign of guilt. It’s just so hard when i’m feeling so wrecked with anxiety as my mind seems to acknowledge everything as a source of anxiety to support my intrusive fear thoughts and keep them going.

How do I ignore these feelings and thoughts when they are so frequent and strong? 

Edited March 25, 2018 by Oceanblue
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[PolarBear]

Right now you are giving the thoughts meaning. You are assuming there must be some truth to them and you spend time trying to figure them out.

There's an alternative. Trust that OCD can make you think and feel the way you do and decide that these thoughts are just junk you don't have to respond to. 

OCD lies, all the time. There is never truth in the thoughts. You're allowed to let them go and get on with your day.

So what if you had a strange thought while looking at the TV? Keep watching the TV, pick a show and watch it. The thought doesn't matter. You make it matter by paying attention to it.

[Oceanblue]

Thank you so much Polar Bear,I appreciate your informed advice so,so much.

Unfortunately I woke up in a bit of a state this morning as when I was in the process of waking up I think I had this thought or internal voice that said ‘report some fake incidents first’.

To clarify,last night before I went to sleep I thought about what would happen if I reported my fear thoughts to the police and that maybe this was the only way to be 100% sure that there’s no truth to them and it’s just all OCD. So therefore I think that this mental thought whilst I was not fully awake was as a result of the internal debate I had the night before. So basically I’m now thinking that the thought was to report fake incidents before confessing my current fear thought. However it terrifies me as I think it would be a disgrace for anyone to knowingly report fake incidents and also only someone who had something to hide would deliberately do this. Or maybe my mind sent me this thought  to do this to be sure that the police would know I have OCD.

However the thing that scares me the most is that this possibly indicates another sign of guilt and that fear thought is true. Albeit I was not fully awake at the time but what am I supposed to do when my mind keeps sending me these nasty thoughts Polar Beatlr?  Is it still ok to dismiss them as junk? Is it normal for the mind to send such thoughts as if a fear is true during a severe OCD episode? Sorry for all the questions  

 

[Isthisreality]

You say thanks than do you do compulsions. This is supposed to be a pointer not an insult. Maybe you can't see yourself what you are doing. COMPULSIONS

There is no way around it you can either argue (like above it is 2000% compulsions) or you need to resist them. That feeling of realness is why we all have OCD. It is pretty comforting because you are not unique, everbody with OCD feels that way. 

And to change do you need force that force is to resist and sit with the anxiety no matter how bad it is. 

Edited March 26, 2018 by Isthisreality

[PolarBear]

Recognize these thoughts as intrusive. The moment you get the urge to analyze a thought and figure out if it's real or not you need to clamp down and let it go.

[Oceanblue]

I know you’re right but it feels as if my mind is literally turning against me and trying to confirm that I am this terrible person. Recently a child came into our workplace and my anxiety increased and  I got these horrible thoughts and one particularly bad one which stated something which only a sicko would ever think and has repulsed me since. It’s as if I have Tourette’s of the mind sometimes and my mind says things that I don’t agree with but the more fear I feel that I’m going to think some of these horrible things or have a disgusting mental dialogue then the more likely it is to happen and it’s crippling me every time.

I feel so broken by this.

I feel like if I read somewhere that it’s ok to have horrible thoughts as they don’t mean anything and are just a symptom of OCD or if my therapist tells me that it’s ok and doesn’t mean I am a bad person I’ll still feel bad because I’ll think that if they really knew what my exact thought was they’d be as repulsed by myself as I am. The more I try to not think terrible thoughts the worse they get. It’s a vicious circle. But when I tell myself not to pay attention to the thoughts I feel like a bad person with no morality which I never want to be but then the more I think about the horrible thoughts the more anxious and disgusted with myself I get. I just feel so stuck.

[PolarBear]

Come on. Don't play the 'my thoughts are worse than your thoughts' game. I suffered for 40 years, pedophile and harm themes mostly. I'll put my old thoughts up against yours any day. And I'm okay.

Edited March 26, 2018 by PolarBear

[Oceanblue]

I apologise Polar,I know I must sound contrary but that’s how it feels as the thoughts are just so awful and make me feel so terrible about myself. But I appreciate what you are saying. I guess it’s just the nature of OCD to do this to us?

 

[Isthisreality]

3 hours ago, Oceanblue said:

I apologise Polar,I know I must sound contrary but that’s how it feels as the thoughts are just so awful and make me feel so terrible about myself. But I appreciate what you are saying. I guess it’s just the nature of OCD to do this to us?

 

I think everybody with OCD is told that by their brain. Because if it told us that it was no big thing would we not panicking.

It is up to us to not buying into it.

 

Edited March 27, 2018 by Isthisreality

[Oceanblue]

I know it’s my own fault for buying into it but my mind is just so scary to me since this monster of a disorder started taking hold. It’s developed and worsened so much from that initial starting point. 

Its like I can literally attach myself as being the culprit to everything and anything no matter how sinister or extreme . When I think about it more and how I could possibly have done these things I imagine myself doing whatever terrible thing it is and then details are added and I can see it happening in my head,cementing the believability in my mind. It’s like a wave of dread and panic  washes over me.  Just now I said to my mind ‘ok so can you imagine doing that and I try to think of the worst case scenario in the hope my mind will deem it as totally false’ but when I get the disgusting images in my head,I can see it and it actually traumatises me. Then when this happens I struggle between knowing what’s a memory and what’s my imagaination and my mind playing tricks on me. 

My therapist said that whenever I initially get a thought like ‘omg what if I did that’ it is vital that I recognise it as OCD from the offset and don’t give it any air time. The problem is whenever I’ve already missed this stage and am now having horrible fear thoughts as a result. Do I go to Police and tell them my fear thoughts? The thoughts chop and change like crazy regarding crime stories atm from local news crime to world news crime. Even if an unresolved crime or disapprearance happened years ago in another country before I could even drive or had a passport,I’ll wonder if I got the boat and don’t remember etc and imagine doing x,y and z and traumatise myself between the terrorising fear that I have some kind of psychotic disorder or maybe deep down I have an evil side and it’s possibly a memory trying to get through? 

[Oceanblue]

I’m sorry for the ramble guys but I just felt like I needed to vent to people who know the nature of OCD. It’s basically like every time I think I’m starting to make progress my mind will send new conspiracy theories and question everything to make it seem like I’ve done these terrible things and I get so panicked and confused trying to satisfy the doubts. 

Edited April 8, 2018 by Oceanblue
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[Isthisreality]

5 minutes ago, Oceanblue said:

I’m sorry for the ramble guys but I just felt like I needed to vent to people who know the nature of OCD. It’s basically like every time I think I’m starting to make progress my mind will send new conspiracy theories and question everything to make it seem like I’ve done these terrible things and I get so panicked and confused trying to satisfy the doubts. 

That is just how OCD works, it WANTS you to stay in its grip. And it will throw new thoughts at you so you react. That is why it is important not to solve specific thoughts because your head have the advantage and will produce more thoughts. 

[Oceanblue]

Thanks Isthisreality. That advice helped me a lot and I thought i had been doing reasonably well and was even getting on top of it until I heard a song on the radio this morning that had some sexual  lyrics. Just then my mind began to feel anxious and I knew it was going to throw an intrusive thought my way but I was begging it not to but of course this just made things worse. It was as if there was a taunting voice in my mind saying ‘I bet this is reminding you of that time you did x,y and z (insert terrible things) to x (subject of a recent intrusive/false memory thought) This scares me as I haven’t really experienced this kind of mental dialogue whereby I get sinister thoughts taunting me and making statements in my mind as if intrusive thought is a fact and has already happened. Thai is scaring me as the intrusive thoughts are totally abominable and not in line with me or who I would ever want to be. Is this just OCD manifesting itself in my mind in another guise as I’m now not paying attention to its usual manifestations? Or should I be taking this seriously? 

Please help ?

[PolarBear]

What do you think? You're being tripped up by OCD again. 

You had a thought pop into your head. It caused you distress. In response I'll bet you at least cintemplated analyzing the thought to figure out if it is true or not.

What does that sound like to you?

[Oceanblue]

Do you definitely think that’s what it was Polar? That I was being tripped up by OCD again? I know this is me asking for reassurance but if I know this is definitely OCD I can label it as such and work on my recovery.