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I Can’t Get Free From This


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I didn’t ruminate on trying to figure out if the thought is true or not via memory checking etc because I know that this gets me nowhere but I did panic massively because this mental dialogue is new and menacing to me. 

I just need to know that this disorder has the potential to  play mind tricks on an anxious mind in this way and it doesn’t mean thought is true  so that I can label it as OCD just upping the ante and continue on my path of recovery.

However if this does not sound like a symptom of OCD I need to know this too as all my life I’ve just wanted to be a good person and I have done these terrible things then i truly don’t deserve any happiness.

Edited by Oceanblue
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  • 4 weeks later...

Hi everyone,haven’t been on here in a while because I’ve been focusing on my recovery and getting my old self back again without asking for constant reassurance. 

I have been doing well and feeling more and more like my old self again. However if I’m tired or my defences are down the old negative mental dialogue can start to take hold again. It’s changed from how it used to be and morphed into only what I can describe as like a form of touerette’s only it’s all in my mind. Meaning my mental dialogue will start stating things I really don’t want it to. For example if I hear a song that brings me back to when I was younger the anxiety will rise and the mental dialogue will state ‘This reminds you of when you were younger and when you did  x,y and z (insert terrible crimes which have become intrusive thoughts/false memories over the past 2 years) I’m figuring that this is then OCD manifesting itself in a new format as I’m no longer paying attention to its usual tricks? 

When this negative mental dialogue first started it scared the daylights out of me as I feared it meant something but it occurs more frequently on days when I’m stressed. It has however become more frequent and bothersome and it still has the power to knock me off my feet and make me afraid. 

 

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Doubt. You doubt this new thing is OCD even though it follows the same old pattern.

You're getting intrusive thoughts. They pop into your head and you really don't want them. You respond by freaking out because you think they're new and different but they're exactly what you experienced before. The content is different but it is really just the same old thing.

You also respond by doing compulsions. Oh, because you wrongly perceive these thoughts as new and different you think you are right to explore them, analyze them, figure out if there's any truth to them. And there's your compulsions. And there you are, right back at square one again.

Intrusive thoughts that cause distress followed by compulsions. Simple.

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Thank you so much Polar Bear when you put it like this your advice makes so much sense but whilst I was trying to figure it all out I couldn’t see it. But as you correctly pointed out this was a compulsion. The mental dialogue has become more scary in recent days and just really feels like only what I can describe as an unrelenting bully that won’t loosen its grip on me. (See new thread) But I guess this is just OCD getting stronger because I have been feeling it exactly what it wants ‘fear,time and rumination’?

Thnak you again so much Polar Bear. I am always so grateful for your words of wisdom. 

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