Please any advice?

[GreyCat]

Good evening,

may I ask for some advice? I know that this is a frequent question but I'm really not sure if it's OCD since I've no official diagnose. And I'm no more sure if I'm on the right way. I have to check everything several times, sometimes it takes a long time. When I switch the Computer on in the morning I'm already scared of how long it will take in the evening until I'm sure it's off again. As mentioned before I've several electric devices in my car, the iron is in the bath tub, I don't cook any more and I can't open a window. But before I started exposure and trying not to check any more I did reach the point of absolute certainty which is as far as I understand not common for OCD. After checking the lights and the doors sometimes countless times I was sure that they were off respectively closed. If my neighbour would call me now saying the lights are on I would know 100% that this cannot be the case. So it is and was very time-consuming but I reached the level of being 100% sure, now it's anxiety and panick only. What am I doing wrong? I really would be thankful for any advice. Sorry for any spelling mistakes, reading and re-reading all my Emails is also one of my problems so I'm trying not to do it any more.

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi Greycat,

To me this sounds like OCD, absolutely, even with the certainty as you put it. I used to have issues with checking and I could get to the point of certainty on any given occasion, but what changed was that over time I would have to do more and more checking to get to that point of certainty (I would have to think something like "today is Tuesday and the window is shut and I'm wearing a green jumper" so I wouldn't think I was remembering the previous day!). Have you found that too - that although you can get certainty, more is required to get to that point than there used to be?  x

 

[PolarBear]

You don't need an official diagnosis to know what you are experiencing is OCD.

The question is, are you ready to make some drastic changes so you van break free from your rituals?

[GreyCat]

10 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Hi Greycat,

To me this sounds like OCD, absolutely, even with the certainty as you put it. I used to have issues with checking and I could get to the point of certainty on any given occasion, but what changed was that over time I would have to do more and more checking to get to that point of certainty (I would have to think something like "today is Tuesday and the window is shut and I'm wearing a green jumper" so I wouldn't think I was remembering the previous day!). Have you found that too - that although you can get certainty, more is required to get to that point than there used to be?  x

 

Hi Gingerbreadgirl,

Thank you so much for your reply. This was very helpful since I really thought that with OCD you cannot reach the point of 100% certainty. I'm making the same experience: more and more is required to reach the point of certainty and in my case it's not increasing gradually but really in big steps. And the things I can't do any more become more and more. Sometimes I can't even use the washing machine any more since the anxiety if it's turned off again is just too much to bear (and it even switches off automatically). If it continues at this speed I'll become immobile. I don't quite understand how to stop the checking circle since there are real risks if you don't switch electric devices off or if you leave the door open. And I'm extremely easily distracted so any noise around and I may very well forget something.

[GreyCat]

10 hours ago, PolarBear said:

You don't need an official diagnosis to know what you are experiencing is OCD.

The question is, are you ready to make some drastic changes so you van break free from your rituals?

Hi PolarBear,

Thank you very much for your reply. I wanted to answer right away yes of course I'm ready to make the changes but I then gave it a second thought and in fact I thought about it the whole night and I'm very confused and shocked now. I think your question is right, I'm not ready to make the changes. If possible I would go back to where the checking was still manageable, time-consuming yes, high anxiety yes but nevertheless manageable. Or the other way round, of course I want recovery but  I was not ready to do the hard work, I was hoping for a good fairy taking it away. It's true that I don't get medication, that I don't get CBT but I was using this as an excuse. I did read and work with some self-help books but reading is very difficult for me since I've to read every single word and if I'm not sure if I read everything I've to re-read the whole paragraph/page or even chapter. But I realize now that the obstacles are real but nevertheless they came in handy because I did use them as an excuse. Realizing this I'm completely confused now and shocked. I've to think about it

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi Greycat

I was like you with checking and had severe anxiety about someone breaking in which really affected me for a long time, probably from around the age of 7 - 28.  But I've beaten that now and it really is possible to do and you can do too.  In fact it didn't even take that long.  I was amazed at how quickly it worked.  It went from a big problem to virtually non-existent in probably less than a month.  Now it hardly ever bothers me.  I do a normal amount of checking (most of the time) and I go to bed and sleep soundly.  This was about 3.5 years ago when my partner and I bought a house.  My checking went through the roof and sometimes felt almost paralysed by it, stuck in a checking loop which I couldn't leave (although usually, like you, I did get certainty eventually).  I realised it basically had to go and here's what I did. 

I wrote down a list of all the things I checked, and all the security measures that were in place at night.  And then I drew up a hierarchy of scenarios in the order they would bother me. And then basically I worked my way through them, one per day, or sometimes two or three per day.  So for example, the first night I allowed myself the check everything twice and no more.  I went to bed feeling like we were massively vulnerable, all the windows could be open, etc. etc.  But I didn't re-check and it was fine.  The next night, I left the alarm off.  Then the next, I left one of the locks on the front door unlocked.  Then the next night I left two unlocked. Then the next, I left the kettle plugged in, and so on. I worked my way up, and my anxiety faded very quickly indeed.  I also did things like sleep with ear plugs in (so I couldn't listen out for house noises) or I watched a horror film just before bed to make me really anxious.   One evening, when I was alone in the house, I left the front door entirely unlocked for an hour.  This was probably the most difficult thing but it showed me my fears were groundless.

I also worked on the cognitive side of this, which is difficult to do without it becoming reassurance.  I accepted that yes, maybe something bad would happen one day.  And if it did, I would deal with it when I came to it, just as other people do.  Chances are if something bad happened, it wouldn't be my nightmare scenario (i.e. someone breaks in and tortures and murders us!) but most likely they would nick the TV and leg it. I could deal with that.  I let it be uncertain.

I am still very vigilant of security/plugs and I am often horrified when I hear of people accidentally leaving windows open etc. But I am in charge of it now, not the other way round. 

I think what made me able to beat it (when I hadn't been before) was that this time I was very motivated to get rid of it, I was fed up of being afraid in my own home.  But before then, I hadn't really been motivated.  I just wanted to be safe.  And I think it's important to find a big "why" for wanting to beat it.  In my case it was absolutely spoiling my lovely new home and it was spoiling it for my partner too, and that was my motivation. 

I don't know if any of this helps? - I know every situation is different but could you maybe write down a list of checking/safety situations which would bother you and work your way through them?

I really hope you manage to get a handle on this, because if you don't I think you know it will only get worse There's a life to live and there's more to it than checking!

Take care x

 

 

 

Edited April 7, 2018 by gingerbreadgirl

[GreyCat]

Hi Gingerbreadgirl,

Thank you so much for your reply. It's very helpful and I will try to work exactly as you suggest it. I've to admit though that only reading it made me extremely anxious. The thought alone to leave the kettle plugged in is hard to bear. And I've another checking issue which is even a worse obstacle: the safety of my cats. And one of them is extremely reckless and careless putting his head in every bag and drawer, stealing all items from pens to scissors. So there is a real danger that he might hurt himself should I forget something. I know it sounds like an OCD lie but for me it's impossible to distinguish between real risks and dangers and the ones only my brain is creating. But  I will start with the list and I'll begin with the less "dangerous" things. Thank you very much for your advice. I greatly appreciate it. And there is also another point which fits perfectly: it's important to find a big "why", a motivation. Living alone is not helpful since a partner for example would certainly not accept that he must not touch the stove. I would be forced to work on it. But then I really, really want to become better. It's awful to be a prisoner of your checking habits. And my life really is a prison, I've lost all freedom, I cannot even leave the town (I've an issue with driving as well).

Again thank you so much for your great advice.

Take care too!

 

[gingerbreadgirl]

1 hour ago, GreyCat said:

I've to admit though that only reading it made me extremely anxious. The thought alone to leave the kettle plugged in is hard to bear.

 

Just to say the prospect of doing all the above made me far more anxious than actually doing it (and was partly why I'd put if off for so long).  The process of actually doing ERP was kind of miraculous (for this fear - it hasn't worked that way for some of my other fears).  Before I started it, I felt similar to you in that the thought of being deliberately lax about anything was irresponsible and reckless.  And the first couple of days of exposure did make me very anxious (I ended up sobbing in bed one night after doing it!) But - once I'd got past those first couple of days it worked really well and I actually felt enthusiastic about coming up with new ways of challenging my fear - I felt empowered!

I'm not saying ERP will work this way for everyone and it certainly hasn't worked this way for other OCD obsessions of mine but I just wanted to give you hope that it is possible to beat it.

Re. it being a real risk - yes that is true, there is a genuine risk that one of your fears might come true.  The same applies to any OCD obsession.  If there was zero risk then it would be much easier to treat.  Dealing with OCD means learning to accept a certain amount of risk and not attempting to mitigate it.  Once you have dealt with your OCD you may decide that it is still important to you to be vigilant.  I am still more vigilant of security than the average person.  But I am that way because I choose to be, not because OCD dictates it.  I had to go through the process of being anti-obsessional (i.e. going much further than the average person) to break the hold it had over me.