I'm tired of feeling like a monster

[mrgarfield94]

The last few days were pretty rough. In found that I was doing well for about a week but quickly found myself going back to compulsions and the feelings of guilt and shame.

I wanted to die. I had had enough and just wanted to end it. My quality of life has been reduced and I found myself getting angry at my family. I found that I was just living for them and not myself. I found myself begrudging them and wanting nothing more than to take my life and be done with all of this. 

Then a thought crossed my mind. 

I was sexually abused by someone I trusted and that my mum thought the world of. He gets to walk around without a care in the world and I'm the one paying the price. I'm the one that feels like a monster. The one that lives in fear of themselves. The one that tried to kill themselves to keep others safe. The one that OCD has brought down time and time again. How is that fair? How is that right?

This thought made me angry.

Angry at him. Angry at myself. But, mostly angry at OCD.

This isn't just a battle against OCD anymore. There are more stakes and if I took my own life not only would OCD win, he would win as well. There's no way in hell I'm letting that happen. Sexual abuse is a major problem and I said to myself that when I get better I want to be part of the solution. Not part of the problem. 

I want to come back from this and I think I still have a little spark left in me that can call me to action to fight this with all my heart and soul.

My real heart and soul.

 

[Hal]

That's one of the most powerful posts I've read here, it really is.

 

[PolarBear]

Powerful indeed. You have found the motivation to go on. Now you need to learn the right way forward and do the work.

Well done.

[mrgarfield94]

Thanks guys,

It won't be easy but hopefully I can walk the walk 

[Rox]

I often think that I have to go to these lengths to finally end things. But you’re right, it would be winning, thank you for the reminder x

[lostinme]

On 07/04/2018 at 16:38, mrgarfield94 said:

Thanks guys,

It won't be easy but hopefully I can walk the walk 

Have faith in yourself  take it slowly and you can walk the walk 

 

[mrgarfield94]

14 hours ago, Rox said:

I often think that I have to go to these lengths to finally end things. But you’re right, it would be winning, thank you for the reminder x

I'm glad this post was helpful to you Rox. Believe me I know how hard it is and there's times where I've crossed major moral boundaries. I've been in despair and thought that there was no way I could come back,  but as long there's still a little spark of fight left in us we can come back from this. This is why I'm glad I found this forum and I'm happy to be a part of it and why forums like this are so important. We have to put a lot of hardwork in but as long as we've got each other's backs and as Lost says take it slow and a day at a time we can come back from this. Wish you well. 

[mrgarfield94]

I lost. 

I'm so sorry.

[mrgarfield94]

My checking compulsions are getting out of control. I can see myself ending up in jail or in a lot of trouble legally. I haven't crossed a line legally yet but I can see myself losing control of compulsions and crossing legal and moral boundaries. I would be lucky to get sectioned at this stage. 

At the end of the day, I can see what's in front of me, and its not good. It's funny in a kind of twisted way that OCD has brought me closer and closer to my worst fears being realised rather than preventing it. I am what I always feared I am. I think since I started worrying about finding child porn, there's a part of me that wants to see it and that I'm denying myself. 

At the end of the day. I cant do this anymore, this theme is too strong and too intense. I'm a psychological wreck and to be honest, it's my fault. I got myself to this stage. It's not just the fear of being a paedophile anymore, its a fear of the lengths that I'll be willing to go to prove I'm not.

I am going to take my life. Unfortunately it's probably going to be more painful than I would want it to be but I have limited options. I don't want anyone to try and tell me otherwise, it's over. 

It is over. 

I do however want to say thank you to the forum members who have supported me during my time here. I'm sorry I let you guys down and I wish I could have the strength and fortitude that members consistently show, but that's not me. I wish I was, but I'm not.

This will probably be the last post from me and if the admins want to delete this thread then I understand. This is goodbye from me. I do wish you all well, and that you can keep fighting.

 

[Isthisreality]

13 minutes ago, mrgarfield94 said:

My checking compulsions are getting out of control. I can see myself ending up in jail or in a lot of trouble legally. I haven't crossed a line legally yet but I can see myself losing control of compulsions and crossing legal and moral boundaries. I would be lucky to get sectioned at this stage. 

At the end of the day, I can see what's in front of me, and its not good. It's funny in a kind of twisted way that OCD has brought me closer and closer to my worst fears being realised rather than preventing it. I am what I always feared I am. I think since I started worrying about finding child porn, there's a part of me that wants to see it and that I'm denying myself. 

At the end of the day. I cant do this anymore, this theme is too strong and too intense. I'm a psychological wreck and to be honest, it's my fault. I got myself to this stage. It's not just the fear of being a paedophile anymore, its a fear of the lengths that I'll be willing to go to prove I'm not.

I am going to take my life. Unfortunately it's probably going to be more painful than I would want it to be but I have limited options. I don't want anyone to try and tell me otherwise, it's over. 

It is over. 

I do however want to say thank you to the forum members who have supported me during my time here. I'm sorry I let you guys down and I wish I could have the strength and fortitude that members consistently show, but that's not me. I wish I was, but I'm not.

This will probably be the last post from me and if the admins want to delete this thread then I understand. This is goodbye from me. I do wish you all well, and that you can keep fighting.

 

Taking your own life is not the answer. But you should go immediately if you are having those thoughts. 

You are at the bottom. You can get over the OCD. What more can you lose? I mean really? 

But please go immediatly and say that you are considering suicide. But please don't take your own life!

 

"At the end of the day, I can see what's in front of me, and its not good. It's funny in a kind of twisted way that OCD has brought me closer and closer to my worst fears being realised rather than preventing it. I am what I always feared I am. I think since I started worrying about finding child porn, there's a part of me that wants to see it and that I'm denying mys"

Do you know something? This is the answer right here. First do you need to realize that "preventing it" is just your OCD lying to you. LYING LYING LYING. The lie aside, the fact that you are getting worse by doing more is how it works. But the brain needs to lie to you because you wouldn't do this to yourself otherwise.

Edited April 15, 2018 by Isthisreality

[Running Lover]

Listen to what I’m about to say. I too feel just the way that you do. 100% I feel I’ve *crossed boundaries where compulsions are concerned. Neither of us can be blamed for this because we have a nasty disease. My physiologist told me it’s like telling an epileptic to stop having a fit.  They can’t. We couldn’t control our compulsions. We are ill. Not peodopiles ill. Do not do anything to hurt yourself you will get through this. Believe me I’ve had days like this too in the last few months. Please please look after yourself. I want you to know I care about you because I understand your suffering xx

[mrgarfield94]

I wish I could believe that I really do but I feel like I am going out of control. I feel like performing morally dubious compulsions when I KNOW deep down I have OCD means that I have to take responsibility. 

A weird offshoot of my OCD is a fear of finding/wanting to look at child porn. I know that most of the really really nasty stuff is on TOR but I was basically reading articles about how there is stuff out there that is above ground. 

A few weeks ago I started going on this search engine that doesn't censor results and typed in whatever came to mind to reassure myself that nothing would come up. I won't name the search engine because I don't want people to use it for compulsions cause it back fired massively. 

There was the usual results you would expect, articles about men being arrested. However there were more than a few links that seemed suspicious to say the least. 

I didn't investigate, I didn't want to take the chance of seeing something and I didn't want to see it. I dunno if it was legit but I decided that some good should come out of my behavior, I copied the urls and reported all of them to the internet watch foundation. I dunno if they've been taken down. I haven't gone back to check. This is what I mean though when I say that OCD is bringing me closer to my worst fears becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. 

 

[Isthisreality]

OCD is serious, it can make you depressed and consume all your time. 

You can't keep on doing this, testing yourself and researching. But now when OCD have lied to you all the way down to the bottom where you want your life to end maybe you can see that OCD is not intresting in giving you a final answer. OCD only wants you to engaging even if makes you miserable.

[PolarBear]

My pedophile thoughts started when i was about 15. They lasted 35 years. I know exactly where you are. Been there, done that, crossed the line, paid the consequences and ultimately got my life on a new, wonderful track.

I wrote a book about my experience, Truth be Told: A journey from the dark side of OCD. It is the dark side of OCD. It isn't talked about much. But there are others out there, just like you. 

You can escape this. You can learn to overcome your OCD. I did and I'm nothing special.

[lostinme]

I know it’s hard at times, but we have all felt exactly the same as you at sometime through all of this  but you can get past it 

Listen to PolarBear! you can start to turn this around 

Dont give up, fight the bully  I don’t suffer the same theme but I continue to fight it every day, do I want to take the dog out, do I want to make a drink , do I want to cook some dinner, do I want to paint,  the list is endless because of my fears. It’s easier for me to sit back and avoid them and let others do this for me, but I know to beat this I need to keep pushing forward and facing my fears and avoid doing my compulsions  keep fighting,  don’t let the bully win. 

[battlethrough]

Hi mrgarfield, i know how hard it is,what we need to do, and i still have trouble is resist the cumpolsions, seems impossible but the theme, obsession isnt the problem, it is our thought cycle, 

I used to have pocd realy really bad, now i dont, i have a totally different obsession but unfortunately i havent YET managed to change my reactions to them, but we cant give up,we feel there is an urgency to solve the problem, maby if we give ourselves more time to learn to manage ocd without that urgent need for it to be NOW we could take a bit of pressure off

[themanwhowillstop]

I hope you're okay Garfield. I've been to the bottom and then some. I thought I was never coming back and that my otherwise happy life was gone. I can say it does get better and people do care. I care.

[Lynz]

Please go to A&E immediately if you're having thoughts of suicide or are planning to take your own life. I implore you. I know you can't see it right now but suicide is always the wrong thing to do, always.

[mrgarfield94]

I've been matched up with a therapist on better help. I couldn't wait on CBT anymore, they were supposed to call me for an assessment last week. 

Obviously I won't go into details because it's private but she seems to get it. She said she can't diagnose or perform a proper evaluation but she says it is likely intrusive thoughts/OCD. 

She put it to me that my thoughts are due to a fear of repeating sexual trauma which I 100% agree with. People on this forum know that I will do whatever it takes to prevent myself from becoming like my abuser. 

She also validated that my behaviour is not indicative of paedophilia or risks from offending. I do feel slightly better as this is the first mental health professional I've been able to be completely open with. 

However, I do think my behaviour is getting out of control. I know deep down, intellectually, that I'm not a paedophile. But, I'm still doing compulsions which are on the fringes of morality despite knowing deep down that I'm not a paedophile. 

My dad doesn't have much sympathy and gets quite irate when I try to have a discussion. I told him that I will end up in jail. 

I'm constantly worried that I will at some point actually look at child porn as a checking compulsion, and worst case scenario I end up liking it. I know its rare and people with this theme don't typically do this but I have heard stories.  It will be OCD that could land me in jail, or trouble with the law, not paedophilia. Thats the messed up thing about all this. 

This all started over a stupid pop-up on my phone and it's wreaked absolute havoc on my life. Back then I was absolutely disgusted at the very notion of looking at child porn. A few years later I'm so desperate not to see it that I'm actually searching for it to make sure nothing comes up. It's wrong, I'm disgusted that it's gotten to this point and the guilt is just awful. 

I will say that I have calmed down a bit but I'm not feeling optimistic. For me, suicide will be always be an option and will always be on the table. 

My dad said today suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It's just not true. I have a chronic mental illness and also struggle with other things that I won't mention here. I really do hope it doesn't get to that stage but I also hope people would understand if it did

 

 

[themanwhowillstop]

I can understand it entirely. Sometimes the pain of living becomes far less than the pain of dying - if anything its much simpler than the torment OCD can cause. Right now I think you can only imagine yourself staying the same or getting worse but its just as likely that you can be free from the illness. At the end of the day OCD is an illness just like any other. There are things we can do to fix the problem, its just that with OCD it requires anxiety inducing and hard work (we can't just sit there and take an injection although that would be nice). If you do the work to beat the OCD things can better for you. You wouldn't be the first either.

[lostinme]

I totally agree with what your dad as said to you 

I do appreciate that things are extremely difficult for you right now and there are things that we are not aware of, but suicide is not the answer 

[Fender]

I can't imagine what you're going through with those horrible past events but please get help. Are there support groups in your area for victims of abuse?

[mrgarfield94]

I have looked into a support group for male survivors in glasgow. The primary care team finally got back to me today so hopefully I can start CBT sooner rather than later. 

I am going to keep using better help in the mean time so I will have a bit of help. Online therapy is a wee bit flawed and I dunno if I'll continue with it when I start face to face therapy at CBT. I'll deal with it at the time. 

 

[lostinme]

8 minutes ago, mrgarfield94 said:

I have looked into a support group for male survivors in glasgow. The primary care team finally got back to me today so hopefully I can start CBT sooner rather than later. 

I am going to keep using better help in the mean time so I will have a bit of help. Online therapy is a wee bit flawed and I dunno if I'll continue with it when I start face to face therapy at CBT. I'll deal with it at the time. 

 

That’s great news 

I think when you start your CBT, it’s probably best to just do the one? So hopefully it doesn’t become confusing 

Wishing you all the best 

[mrgarfield94]

Yeah I think that's a good idea, lost. I probably will just focus on CBT when I get my first appointment. I will continue with online therapy for now just to give me a bit of extra support.