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njb

Got major Op tomorrow - ocd spiralled out of control

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Hi,

Got 4th back Op tomorrow and wife been away so ive been looking after kids and dog with an escalating ocd.

I obsess over paedophile and underage girls. I have read a fair bit about groinal response and have been ruminating so much lately my head is aching.

I decided to test myself and imagined a 14yr old girl seeing me naked and looking at my genitals and if i had clear she is 14 feel nothing but if i focus on the thought of being wanted i get the arousal/anxiety thing. I decided to really test myself and could maintain the arousal (during masturbation) despite in back of mind thinking this person is 14, but i was totally focused on saying to myself that regardless of the age bit; i was desired and imagining her genitals as sexual i noticed a really strong physical sensation of anxiety arousal which horrified me but made me carry on to determine it was a physical response / i did not really like a 14yr old etc.i think the increased arousal was due to the anxiety from finding myself able to maintain arousal even though i was thinking this person is 14 which would usually rebe enough to negate any intrusive thought.

If i just focused on the feeling and the girls genitals (desire etc) i could maintain what felt like arousal (but with the axiety close and equally profound, shaking etc), but if i got some measure of focus and started to identify the girl as a 14yr old person i lost interest, ie felt akin to my persona.

I feel disgusting for being able to prolong the arousal (with anxiety) for an extended time.  I am hoping that the anxiety arousal in groin is responsible for the increase in arousal.

It just feels like i like it if i test myself even though i dont' - ie the anxiety arousal is killing me.

For the most part i feel like i am a pervert who is repressing desires due to my equally awful obsession about being a paedophile.

Just seeking reminders from anyone out there that i am dealing with OCD and not after so many years just found proof of my sick underneath.

njb

Edited by njb

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Would appreciate just a hi right now if anyone's there.

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Hi njb,

I fear I can't be of much help but I think you gave the answer yourself. You've a OP tomorrow, you have been looking for the kids and the dog which certainly means additional work. From what I could learn here, stress usually makes the OCD worse. I'm afraid I cannot be of more help. Struggling extremely today too and I'm very anxious to type. I just wanted to say hi to let you know that you're not alone.

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Hi njb, stressfull tmes can send ocd off,wish i could be more help, hanging on for therapy in September myself, but just to let you know your not alone in the struggle 

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Hi both,

So grateful to just hear from people. Thanks.

X

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Hey NJB. Hope all goes well tomorrow with your op, hopefully after all the anticipation and stress you've had recently, getting the op over with will be one less weight on your mind and your symptoms will subside a little. All the best for tomorrow. 

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Wishing you all the best with your op tomorrow and hopefully a speedy recovery :yes:

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Thanks everyone. Lovely to hear from you all. Sometimes it's just nice to reach out and be heard. Thanks for the replies.

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Best of luck to you tomorrow! I hope everything goes well. Remember how stressful times make OCD stronger. Try to be kind to yourself!  

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Thanks so much x

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Hi I hope the op went well. It's normal to worry before surgery

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Hi all,

Thanks for the kind messages. Had op yesterday and starting the process of recovery. 

Hope you are all well as can be. X

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I'm sorry but isn't one of the main things we learn about dealing with sexual OCD is not to test ourselves?  I don't understand why someone would do something like that in order to test a theory or how it helps deal with the obsession, to me it seems like it would just help to reinforce it more.  

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Hi zahoo,

I'd agree that that is best for ocd regardless of theme but yes the compulsion to ruminate to reduce anxiety is a one way street. My post was to try to release some of the internal strife out at a stressful time and i just needed the reminder that stress can escalate ocd and to breath!

I'd say the biggest thing I need to work on is testing myself.

Thanks for taking their time to post, hope you're doing well.

Njb

Edited by njb

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