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Hiv strikes again


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Hi,

Lemme tell you my story real quick. After tiredlessly obsses over rabies, I partied at my town's fair. I went to the bathroom to pee and when I was finishing there were 3 guys waiting for me to come out. As soon as I came out, I walked sttaight towards some friends and went to dance. We needed to take the bus so we rushed out. I remember getting an intrusive thought about a thing and dance with my friends without worries, then I stuck for a while and my friends decided to leave, so did I. They accompained me for a while and that's it. Then I went on my own and began overthinking about it. Now I am shaking cuz I am a little drunk and I feel miserable for having these thoughts like why do I have them? Did I have sex with them? I have no memories of their faces but one, and if that had been the case I would have known straightaway, HIV is one of my biggeat obsessions ansbut then I think that I may have been in denial all along when I went out I remember walking with my friends calmly and thinking about my rabiea obsession why do I get these thoughts? I took off at 3:13 and when i went out of the bathroom was at 3:08 

I'm sorry if this does not make a lot of sense to you but I am literally shaking and need some confort

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I can't even provide you details of anything cuz this is just like hey what if this happened and then I freaked out, I have memories of everything after that but that is not part of it. I struggle so much about it i am so doomed.

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The sooner you can stop the merry-go-round of rumination in this one the sooner the fear will die down. Try it as an experiment. Accept the worst fear may be true, and then refuse to engage in any rumination or compulsions. Feel how the fear feels. Experience the fear with curiosity. Know that it won’t last forever. You can put an end to all these spikes if you come to see how the fear will go and the worry will fade. Once you have succeeded once, it makes it much easier to do it the next time and the next. 

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1 hour ago, Franklin12 said:

The sooner you can stop the merry-go-round of rumination in this one the sooner the fear will die down.

You are right about this, I need to stop overthinking.

 

1 hour ago, Franklin12 said:

Accept the worst fear may be true, and then refuse to engage in any rumination or compulsions.

I can't accept the worst fear since it involves me catching HIV or being raped which it is something I do not recall, I don't recall the three men faces nor the intercourse... Anything at all

 

1 hour ago, Franklin12 said:

Feel how the fear feels. Experience the fear with curiosity. Know that it won’t last forever. You can put an end to all these spikes if you come to see how the fear will go and the worry will fade.

If I accept the fear the I'd go report this, i'd go get treatment against HIV, i'd tell my parents...

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1 hour ago, Franklin12 said:

The sooner you can stop the merry-go-round of rumination in this one the sooner the fear will die down. Try it as an experiment. Accept the worst fear may be true, and then refuse to engage in any rumination or compulsions. Feel how the fear feels. Experience the fear with curiosity. Know that it won’t last forever. You can put an end to all these spikes if you come to see how the fear will go and the worry will fade. Once you have succeeded once, it makes it much easier to do it the next time and the next. 

Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate it? deep down i know it is my ocd since I got to rationalite with the thoughts and went to bed for a while, but know I am doubting whether I began to overthink since the very beginning or not, the feelings are mixed up, they do not correspond as they originally were(i was getting worried about catching the bus not hiv) until I typed everything... But honestly it's the same as rabies: I can't let go cuz that would be devastating for me to have gone thru that... Besides, rn I am imagening stuff that does not match with the memories that I wrote down one hour later

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You shouldn't have written anything down. That was a compulsion. My advice is to immediately shred that piece of paper and throw it out. I'm serious. It's existence will not help you but will make matters worse.

Get your ruminating under control. That will be your big compulsion right now.

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Overcoming your OCD is about taking the risk to accept your fear as true, but WITHOUT doing compulsions. So no tests. That’s why it’s very difficult. No one knows that their fear isn’t true. Else they wouldn’t be scared. 

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16 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

You shouldn't have written anything down. That was a compulsion. My advice is to immediately shred that piece of paper and throw it out. I'm serious. It's existence will not help you but will make matters worse.

Get your ruminating under control. That will be your big compulsion right now.

I don't have the means to do it. It doesn't help either that I have my anus irritated (been having some sort of diarrhea lately) and I can't help but feel like this. My friends treat me like insane cuz they were only several meters away and didn't see hear anything at all

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Hi,

My HIV OCD is rising again. Today I went out, and stayed with some friends. It was crowded, there was this seller passing by trying to get us to buy something. My friends were aware of my problems, so they persuaded him into leaving. I was getting anxious since I was staring a my phone, I did not want to look at anyone's face just in case that I got false memories of ppl having sex so I left after half an hour, my friends accompanied me and were real supportive. Back in my village, I kinda forgot about it and went on with my life. I was woriied about having sex but nly with other people. As soon as I got home, I realised that everything that I wrote dwn was gone (I write the details of everything). I could not sleep tonight cuz I started panicking and trying to figure out my problem on lost messages. At home I overthought about having sex with the seller, which I knw that I did not do but I can't shake the feeling. I am not way too worry cuz I trust my memories and I was fine when I got on the bus, but this messages thing made me panic.

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I read an account once from a guy who had OCD, from what I remember he used to walk his dog around the countryside near where he lived. There was a certain stretch of the walk that always triggered thoughts that he'd murdered his wife. On one occasion the OCD was that strong painting false memories (due to rumination) he actually called the police and confessed his "sin" only when they arrived at his address they found his wife watching TV. 

OCD is very convincing and it gets it's power and strength from us ruminating. 

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On 4/17/2018 at 01:36, Franklin12 said:

The sooner you can stop the merry-go-round of rumination in this one the sooner the fear will die down. Try it as an experiment. Accept the worst fear may be true, and then refuse to engage in any rumination or compulsions. Feel how the fear feels. Experience the fear with curiosity. Know that it won’t last forever. You can put an end to all these spikes if you come to see how the fear will go and the worry will fade. Once you have succeeded once, it makes it much easier to do it the next time and the next. 

Great post. Like any bully, OCD thrives on attempts to run away, turn the tables on it, and you sabotage it. 

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Hi,

Sorry to bother you but I decided I will post my thoughts in here in anything HIV related stuff.

Basically, after getting better, recently I thought to myself that I might have asked for meds because I actually did something that I am actually not aware of. I've spent the entire day struggling that today I have not done anything wrong but a "exposure" stuck in my mind. This "exposure" was weak as hell and I told my cousing about it, about how stuck I was in "exposures" (those that I described above). This thought popped up when I was ok ready to sleep. Now I refuse to take meds to prove it wrong HAH! Which is an impossible exposure but whatever I am sick of OCD.

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Well today after being well for.most of the day I fell for one of the OCD tricks, who's being way too aggresive and went ovee thoughts of having had sex during today which is ridiculous considering i know i did not. Remember my first post? Well, I talked on a gay app to a guy who worked a few steps away where I had my hideous experience, and I panicked believing it was him who did it. I swear it was the first time I saw his face and everything... I am so tired of OCD... Another sleepless night and crappy day...

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Another thought that made me cringe:

After coming to terms with my latest obssesions, I actually got a random thought: what if i ever had condonless sex? Then I remembered this: In the past, I actually had a convo on grindr with a guy who was nearby. He was staying in a hotel and I mention having sex without a condom. I only said that to test the guy. He obviously refused and after a while we stopped chatting. We never met. Now I am getting thought like what if I went a through that? I know I did not do it since I forgot about it and have no recollection of it. It was only a random thought tbh but when dozing off, I get hit by thoughts like did i actually do it? I know I didn't, I haven't had sex since 2 years ago and if i had done it, i'd have always known it. I don't even know the date of the convo or anything like that.

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10 hours ago, PolarBear said:

What do you want us to say?

To be honest, I don't know, I am resisting compulsions to test and stuff like that

Did you know that I am starting treatment in 2 days? 

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