In a very very bad way. Would love to chat please.

[ecomum]

I have been struggling for about 5weeks now. I have tried so hard to keep going and beat it but it is now getting impossible. 

I have been to drs and got meds and put on list for more therapy. I am doing what my last therapist told me and reading self help books. I've cut out caffeine, started exercising, watched thoughts fly away and everything I can think of. 

Basically what happens to me is if someone is seriously ill, passed away,  or harmed etc. My mind suddenly realises that something I did has caused it. I am struggling to see this as ocd as the thing really happened its not just a thought. Though people I speak to do say I am making a massive leap and catastrophising which gives me some hope it's all ocd. 

I do all my relapse stuff etc and no sooner have I dealt with one trigger a worse one comes. I am exhausted from battling and feel like I can't face another day. 

I am signed off work at the moment by drs. Occasionally I feel a bit better but then it comes back worse. 

I can't live like this the guilt is too much to bear. 

Thank you for reading

Edited April 17, 2018 by ecomum

[Franklin12]

Hello! Sorry to hear you’re struggling. This theme is one of mine, so I know how you’re feeling. I did successfully manage to tackle this one. Really the only way out is to let go. Firstly you need to recognise that there is NO WAY that you can control the universe to such an extent that you can 100% guarantee that you will never harm anyone. Nobody can. So secondly you must decide whether you feel able to commit to what needs to be done for your own welfare, and to rid yourself of this burden that weighs you down, intrudes on your happiness, and whittles away at your confidence. This acceptance and commitment are really key to being able to do the work that is needed. The good news is though that if you do feel ready to let go, it is truly possible to live with the risks that are all around all of us. 

At the minute it sounds very much as though you are asking people around you for external reassurance, which makes me think that you are probably engaging in internal reassurance seeking dialogue with yourself when you get triggered. Know that this makes it all worse, not better. The goal is not to engage. But of course this is not easy, it’s scary. 

When I tackled this, I simply refused to engage in any reassurance seeking behaviour whosoever. This meant no texting people under other pretenses to check whether everything was ok and that they/their child weren’t dead, absolutely no internal reassurance to myself, no asking for reassurance etc. 

You will get HUGE anxiety. Because I had committed to stamping this out I persevered through it, it almost became like some kind of a thrill ride, experiencing these surges of adrenalin, but knowing that they would go down. 

The key really is to let the risk in. I think if you can not accept this then you will struggle to be able to make the necessary behavioural changes. This is what holds me back on a final lingering theme that I have, so I know how hard it is to let go. 

But I promise you there is a world out there where you can live alongside the risk of harming someone and be happy. 

 

[ecomum]

Thank you for such an understanding reply. You are right I do think I am looking for reassurance on some level despite really trying not to. Because the events have already passed I can't influence it so it makes it hard. 

I am off work and am willing to do anything to get better even if it means a lot of anxiety. I keep busy to try and let it go but that in itself is exhausting and as soon as I stop, mainly at night,  it comes at me full force. I've been reading a book called' rewire your anxious mind' and I can see that because my mum worried obsessively about illness, germs, risks etc and didn't let me do things as a child, it is hardwired in my brain and I react to that like others would react to a lion chasing them.

It's just hard because the thing I did was not just a thought like it is for some people and I always think "what if" or 'yeah but... "

I shall start now by being aware of any self reassurance I do and try and stop. Is there anything else you think I could do while I am off work and able to really tackle this? 

Thank you again for reply. It is so hard to find people who understand

[Franklin12]

For me it really the mentally letting go that was key. That allowed me to experience the anxiety that came with resisting the compulsions. I can totally see how important that is now because I did this with most of my themes successfully. But recently an old theme reared it’s head, and when I tried to apply the same tools that had worked on other themes I found I couldn’t do it. I realised that I couldn’t commit to letting go of that one, and therefore I was allowing myself to carry on with my dysfunctional thinking on the subject. Until I feel able to let that one go and accept risks in that area, I know things won’t improve. 

Tips for if you do decide to go for it, are to really try to get to know your anxiety. Don’t spend the whole time thinking ‘this feels so bad, oh god when will it end’. Instead, be interested in it. How does it feel? Is it physical? Where do you feel it? What kind of feeling is it? Does the intensity go up and down? Remind yourself it will go down. I did treat it a bit like dog training at first - it’s SO hard to not ruminate, so I was strict every time I felt myself drawn to ruminate. 

And above all, be excited! You are going to shake this off once and for all! You are changing how you think! You can succeed! It does work! I promise you it really does!

[Dragonfly]

Hi there! I’m so sorry to read you’re suffering. I’ve been in anxious states in the past, so totally understand it’s awful.

Franklin has given you some great advice etc there, I’m not sure I can add much more. A book that was suggested to me though, that I found very good, was Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts. It has exercises to do in there too, which may be helpful whilst your waiting for therapy. 

When I was really in the depths of OCD and health anxiety, I meditated a lot, just 5-10 min ones that I found on google, this really helped me slow my mind down. I got out loads, and in the end had to think to myself, ‘right I’m just going to take that leap of faith that it is just OCD!’It did help me a lot. 

Hope you feel better soon x

[ecomum]

Thank you Franklin some fab tips there. It is hard but I am determined. Thank you for helping me.. 

Thank you too Dragonfly, I have that book and I will definitely give meditation a good go. 

Leap of faith here I come. 

You guys on here are so supportive:) 

[snowbear]

Excellent replies, Franklin. I think this bit in particular should be pinned in big gold lettering for everybody with OCD to read:- 

4 hours ago, Franklin12 said:

The key really is to let the risk in.

I think if you can not accept this then you will struggle to be able to make the necessary behavioural changes.

 

Good luck Ecomum.  

[PolarBear]

You are wrong ecomum. It is just a thought. There is no evidence that you have caused someone harm. This is all due to you having thoughts that you did. If not for simple thoughts, there would be no problem. So your situation is the same as all sufferers'.

[ecomum]

Thank you Polar Bear. I really appreciate everyone's replies. It's so good to be able  to discuss this. 

 

I now feel like I should just go back to work and face things. I'm making it worse with time on my hands. 

[Fender]

Hi ecomum. I read somewhere that mental health is worse in spring than any other time of year for some reason! I find that my ocd and anxiety gets worse this time of year too

[ecomum]

Yes, my relapses are nearly always in spring. 

[ecomum]

Just came across some pictures which triggered an intense worry. Stayed with them and didn't avoid