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Chels

Do you tell a new partner about your OCD?

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So I'm dating someone and I feel the need to tell him - examples of my OCD ? Do I have to.., like the worst ones just so he knows. Any advice please

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I think if you feel able and ready/willing to share with him you have OCD, then do so - but you're not obliged to tell him the details of your intrusive thoughts (and it sounds like you are being driven by a compulsive need to get his reassurance...) x

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No you don’t. OCD is the driving force between needing to tell, “just so he knows” OCD thoughts are not true reflections of ourselves so by telling someone the “worst ones” is like admitting something about yourself that doesn’t need admitting too! It’s fine to maybe say in passing after a while that you have OCD that flares up now and then without going into detail about it, if he asks questions I can certainly give him an overview on how the disorder works etc but really no need to be specific xx

Edited by Wonderer

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I have recently told people and I feel liberated. However, I only said I have it and that I worry about harm and contamination, not gone into actual details. (only my husband knows all of it) 

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Thanks for all your responses, it is only early days but I think I'm feeling guilty and like I need to confess to him and it's giving me anxiety I just don't know what to do. I know if I was to tell him he would probably automatically think I'm a bit weird x

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I don't think you should tell him if it's driven by guilt or a need to confess - that's just a compulsions/reassurance seeking (rather than just wanting to share with him) and will only make your OCD worse in the long run x

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I bet the feeling you should confess your OCD is strong right now. A desire for this new person in your life to know you and accept you as you are combined with a sense of duty to be scrupulously honest and not hold anything back.  

So the question is, 'Does OCD define you as a person?'  :unsure: 

Or are you a witty, chatty, interesting....etc. person who just happens to have OCD? :) 

If OCD is all there is to you, then yeah you need to tell him. Because if that's all there is to you then that's all he's going to get from any time he spends with you. No fun, no laughs, no doing stuff together.  :( 

But if you are more than your OCD, a person and not a label, then there's absolutely no need to tell him up front. Let him discover it in time, just as you'll get to know everything else about each other bit by bit over time.

Why treat OCD like it's some big dark secret you have to share in order to be honest? (Not sharing everything isn't the same as being dishonest.)  Why act as if OCD is all there is to you? :confused1: 

OCD doesn't define any of us. Not even when it's uppermost in your mind and seems to be ruling your life 24/7. You are not your OCD. Have fun, get to know each other and keep the less important stuff like OCD for later if the relationship gets serious. 

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It could be a problem in two ways. 

1. You are crossing a border (line) and feels like it is ok to involve the person in your compulsions. 

2. When you are recovered will the person still think that you are having OCD, many people seems to think that it is a lifelong condition. Which can lead to them demotivating you (deliberately or not) and them expecting your recovery to be just a phase

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I think I have made a personal deduction. That I'm not going to tell him until it's serious and I am better  @snowbear yes your right it does not define me as a person.. at all.  Thank you for your help I greatly appreciate this ! :) 

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Sorry to jump on to this s but how would this work with the likes of me and my unsavoury compulsions. Surely I would have to tell a new partner. @snowbear

Edited by Running Lover

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31 minutes ago, Running Lover said:

Sorry to jump on to this s but how would this work with the likes of me and my unsavoury compulsions. Surely I would have to tell a new partner. @snowbear

Only in your mind, right now. 

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@snowbear what if the thoughts are constant do you have to tell them? I'm getting anxiety even just thinking of starting a new relationship its because it's ruined my last 2 relationships I'm actually in tears now I just want to live a normal life but I like to divulge information I like to be close and be like best friends. Im absolutely sick of feeling like this I want to overcome it and I feel like I have completely but as soon as I get into a new relationship it comes back!! 

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Don't say anything, any temptation or urge to say something is ONLY the OCD demanding you tell him. Think how low you'd feel if you did tell him regardless of his reaction, it'd mean he could be freaked out because remember he would not see your obsessions like you do. Non-OCD people can very easily misconstrue what we confess especially the POCD stuff.  Or even if he wasn't freaked out it would mean you are in the loop of confessing which would absolutely drive him away eventually. Give yourself a chance and watch for those urges to confess because as soon as you do confess then that would be the first crack in the foundations of that relationship. You know this already from past experience, as do I. 

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When I first got with my partner, i didn't know about ocd, i spoke criptic to her as in, what if im a bad person etc etc, after a few days i spilt everything and it felt great that i was accepted by someone, but heres the crutch, i still couldn't accept myself, still cant, 

Personaly i think its important they know but probably not the detail as when i go in my mind cave, i dont want them thinking its them

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It's such a tough decision I know it doesn't define me as a person but obviously it has played quite a big part in my past relationships I'm guttered part of me wants to be totally upfront and onest with him and the other half is saying don't do it as this could be your breakthrough chance! 

I think my ex had a lot to do with it as he said I shouldn't of got involved with anyone until I was better is this true? I only get like this when I'm in a relationship 

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I just think it could be a burden for him in the long run and I wouldn't want to ruin someone else's life 

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51 minutes ago, battlethrough said:

When I first got with my partner, i didn't know about ocd, i spoke criptic to her as in, what if im a bad person etc etc, after a few days i spilt everything and it felt great that i was accepted by someone, but heres the crutch, i still couldn't accept myself, still cant, 

Personaly i think its important they know but probably not the detail as when i go in my mind cave, i dont want them thinking its them

It could also be that you got relieve when you got reassurance when your partner didn't think you were crazy. Just a thought from me

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Yes thats true but of course i have confessed over the years to make sure its ok with her when it should be me making it ok with ME regardless

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1 minute ago, battlethrough said:

Yes thats true but of course i have confessed over the years to make sure its ok with her when it should be me making it ok with ME regardless

Exactly. Need to stop confessing mate. 

It is the OCD telling you that you need, you actually dont need to do anything! Just let the thought be there. But hey i know how hard it is

Edited by Isthisreality

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At the end of the day I know I'm not a bad person and I know none of these things define me as a person BUT obviously I just feel I need to tell him not because I think I am anything but just because of what the thoughts are left me in what context if yous understand? 

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24 minutes ago, Chels said:

At the end of the day I know I'm not a bad person and I know none of these things define me as a person BUT obviously I just feel I need to tell him not because I think I am anything but just because of what the thoughts are left me in what context if yous understand? 

I get what you’re saying I worried about this. I’ve been with my partner 10 years and it was probably after about 5 years little things started coming out. He’s not bothered at all. Never flinched about any of it. Took time to learn about ocd and knows it’s not me it’s my ocd. If only I could take that approach ?. 

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35 minutes ago, Chels said:

At the end of the day I know I'm not a bad person and I know none of these things define me as a person BUT obviously I just feel I need to tell him not because I think I am anything but just because of what the thoughts are left me in what context if yous understand? 

Wrong, it is the OCD making you feel you should tell him. It's very clever at convincing us that we should be honest with our partners about things but if you tell him and he reacts in a way that you don't want then it's going to be double the weight it is now.

I started confessing to exes about POCD and they listened but eventually the confessing (reassurance seeking) became a habit and the relationship broke down with them citing that me telling them unneccessary things was the main reason.

The guilt of every compulsion you may have carried out is again a by-product of OCD and therefore is false. You wouldn't feel guilty for having cancer so don't feel guilty for having OCD. The sooner you rise above the compulsions by ignoring them the clearer the view of what OCD is and how it works, and the easier it is to dismiss until it's nothing but a slight tremor in the background.  

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@Atlantis hopefully I can learn to do that fingers crossed. I want to be normal I want to just ignore my thoughts and not place meaning on it but it is hard im gonna try so hard it's my upmost goal not to confess every thought I get wish me luck guys! The anxiety is killing me but it will pass if I sit with it right? X

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