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On the evening i have been drinking to escape, ive decided to stop, the last 2 days my anxiety in the morning is worse, my mind is not in that haze and im realy struggling,i change to luvox tommorow as zoloft isnt touching it. 

Just guilt all the time about my past fantasies, every minute i want to confess every thought or fantasy ive ever had, September is a long wait for my intence course for ocd, and to be honest i really am tired of living and feel like im living a lie to my partner

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As long as you're not confessing you are winning, you are beating it. Accept the morning anxiety as withdrawal from the booze, it happened to me when I quit. Soon you'll start thinking clearer as a result of quitting the booze, the guilt will start to fade and you'll realize that just because you had (in your mind) questionable thoughts, it doesn't mean you're a bad person. 

You're on the right path, no drinking, no confessing. Keep at it. And as for living a lie - you're not, do you honestly think your wife doesn't fantasize about other guys? Please. It's human nature.

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You might feel worse initially without alcohol which supresses anxiety to some extent (which always comes back though) but believe me(after six weeks of not drinking) you'll feel better after a while without alcohol as I do - especially as I'm on the last leg of a tranquilliser withdrawal program.

It's not the solution to any manifestation of OCD.

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Remember, an SSRI drug is essentially an anti-depressant, not an anti-OCD drug. 

In use with OCD - as I know full well as I take one - their aim is to improve the mood of the sufferer so as to enable them to feel better in themselves and better able to engage with CBT therapy and cope with daily life. 

They may also have a numbing effect on the aroused emotions, which helps ease anxiety. This can also help us ease away from the urge to compulse. 

Exactly what benefit any SSRI drug may or may not have is very very subjective :( 

CBT is the way forward to tackling OCD. Because we have to understand how the illness works ; not to give credence to the false exaggerated or repulsive core belief at the heart of it and which leads to the intrusions and compulsive urges; how we need to carry out sessions of exposure and response prevention to render intrusions benign; and in the meantime practice leaving be and refocusing away. 

That is the way to treat OCD - and it won't happen just by taking a pill. 

 

Edited by taurean
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5 hours ago, battlethrough said:

On the evening i have been drinking to escape, ive decided to stop, the last 2 days my anxiety in the morning is worse, my mind is not in that haze and im realy struggling,i change to luvox tommorow as zoloft isnt touching it. 

Just guilt all the time about my past fantasies, every minute i want to confess every thought or fantasy ive ever had, September is a long wait for my intence course for ocd, and to be honest i really am tired of living and feel like im living a lie to my partne

Hopefully by the replies to your post you will realise that it's the OCD causing the guilt, not the lack of alcohol Battlethrough.

Sadly what you may not realise is that I suspect the alcohol is actually making things worse, and in time if you stay free of it you will start to level out and feel in more control of your emotions. The meds may help, but of course it's imperative you hang on in there for the therapeutic intervention. Where is the intense therapy course?

Ashley 

 

 

 

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21 minutes ago, battlethrough said:

I just feel so ill though, i realize over the past 12 years ive fantasized about so many women although i never stopped loving or wanting my partner, its all consuming. Cant understand this life and myself atall

This wearing down is the consequential effect of fighting the obsession. 

The CBT way will help you. 

You need to understand the cognitive side - that those obsessions are the result of OCD. They are unwanted, attacking your true core values of loving and wanting your partner. 

So, when you feel an obsessional thought along your theme coming on, just think "Oh that's only my silly obsession",  and refuse to connect with it, allow it to progress. 

But don't try and neutralise it, or force it away. 

Just gently ease your mind away, back to where you were, or onto something beneficial and involved. 

Keep practising this, not beating yourself up over any failures, and your brain will start to do this automatically, as a behavioural response. 

Then, gradually, the frequency and intensity of those unwanted intrusions will fade. 

Separately, find out how to practice sessions of exposure and response prevention, which will gradually render the intrusions benign, and ease away your anxiety. 

You can do this, battlethrough. 

Edited by taurean
typo
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Im trying so hard t, the more i try to shift and not ruminate the more pops up

I cant forgive myself, when i met my partner i fell head over heels in love, for the first year it was very passionate, then we had our son and she wasnt as much, the longer this went on the more frustrated i got,looking back i was to driven by sex, the women at the shop, a stranger, partners relatives, any women really i would fantasize about, that seems excessive, i should have focused on loveing my partner more than sex with a anyone else, the longer it was the more elaborate and strange the fantasies became

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well of course you entertained the thoughts in the first place, a perfectly healthy and normal thing to do, what is NOT normal is your reaction of guilt to these thoughts now. It reads as thought you're dwelling on the guilt and allowing your obsession to search the annals of your mind for every thought or fantasy you ever had and bringing it to the present. It is known that OCD sufferers suffer more guilt and shame about the thoughts than they would if they'd acted on them. You've not done yourself any favours by medicating on booze and pills because you've warped your mind. Guarantee that when you've been off it for a while AND stopped dwelling on this whole topic, you'll start feeling less guilty. 

 

what's the alternative? drive your wife nuts by confessing every single thought or fantasy? that way you will put a huge strain on the relationship.

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We don't enjoy our OCD thoughts and they are unwanted negative intrusions. 

We thought them yes, but not willingly so we need feel no guilt. 

The urge to confess is, technically, the compulsive urge that commonly arises with your theme of OCD. 

As I very much simplified in my post above, we can work a plan to tackle these things once we understand them cognitively. 

After plenty of CBT from various clinical psychologists over the years ; from two psychiatrists ; two OCD workbooks and other self-help media; and what I have learned from OCD-UK and the members here, I have formed the opinion that understanding how the OCD works isn't actually complex or challenging - nor is what we need to do to tackle it. But it is presented as being complex and challenging, and that is a common belief. 

It's putting it into action once we understand it that, for me, is the real challenge - especially as it has to be worked at over time, gradually - and it is tempting to give up when such things take time. 

Edited by taurean
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Ashley, i imagine bath or Bristol. 

Atlantis, you make so much scense, im just so deep 

Taureen, my fantasies wernt intrusive though, my severe guilt and memories of them are, so i think i should feel guilty for original fantasies 

Thankyou all

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Hi,

Do you mean the specialist NHS anxiety clinic? 

If so I am sorry to say are you aware the specialist anxiety clinic in Bath is no longer accepting patients since Prof Salkovskis left?  I believe they're recruiting a new clinical lead, but until that happens no more patients are being accepted for treatment. 

 

 

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I could just find a layby,i am so so tired of this life, i am surrounded by good people and i live with a vale between, i cant be open and honest, as soon as ii wake up i wait for sleep, i cant confess anymore, im done done done done in

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52 minutes ago, battlethrough said:

I could just find a layby,i am so so tired of this life, i am surrounded by good people and i live with a vale between, i cant be open and honest, as soon as ii wake up i wait for sleep, i cant confess anymore, im done done done done in

You can't be open and honest? You confess and it's confessing a symptom of your condition - that isn't honest, that's just you getting a quick fix because of a need for reassurance which is initiated by a fake level of guilt, created by OCD blowing your initial innocent thoughts and fantasies. Nothing about it is honest. 

Edited by Atlantis
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1 hour ago, battlethrough said:

I could just find a layby,i am so so tired of this life, i am surrounded by good people and i live with a vale between, i cant be open and honest, as soon as ii wake up i wait for sleep, i cant confess anymore, im done done done done in

Then why are you posting on this forum which is all about promoting recovery?????

The answer is you're not really done. You're posting because you're desperately reaching out for one of us to help you and say something that will spark your own recovery mode... hopefully one of us will do that.  

 

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That’s it battlethrough, give yourself a break :) you’ve got spirit left which is a great start :) you can do this :cheer:stop beating yourself up and let it go :) it’s time to take control and gain your life back :yes:

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14 hours ago, Ashley said:

Hi,

Do you mean the specialist NHS anxiety clinic? 

If so I am sorry to say are you aware the specialist anxiety clinic in Bath is no longer accepting patients since Prof Salkovskis left?  I believe they're recruiting a new clinical lead, but until that happens no more patients are being accepted for treatment. 

 

 

I didn't know this Ashley. My CMHT said they were going to refer me their as I said in a previous post. 

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1 hour ago, battlethrough said:

Anyone else battling to get through work today, i have a 10 hour shift ahead, hardly slept but hey ho bills need paying

I had to do this a few times before I retired battlethrough. Bills needed paying, a disabled wife needed supporting. 

Keep yourself busy, if you get the urge to ruminate, focus away. 

As lost says, you can do this. Save this thread, you can copy and paste it onto a word document - or right click and print - and use it to inspire you - those who are offering assistance have been through many challenges and emerged the other side. 

Take your inspiration from this. 

You can do this :cheer:

Edited by taurean
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I have struggled at times with work when OCD is bad, it can be a tough one. Especially if the job itself was a stressful one combined with my OCD worries. 

however I found it better In some ways to be at work  as I had to focus a bit on other things. I don't know what job you do but try and absorb yourself in it, thinking about something but our OCD worries can be a nice respite from it. 

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