Getting teenage son to do what counsellor says and help himself

[paulfoel]

1 hour ago, Wonderer said:

Hey Paul, I just wanted to say, I totally get ur frustration, as a parent of a child with both Aspergers and OCD myself I too get extremely frustrated at times, the difference between u and I is that I also suffer with OCD so in a way I totally get it 109% because I’ve been there, I don’t think anyone fully understands the disorder unless they’ve suffered themselves and while you can research and listen to others, it isn’t the same as totally getting the actual hellish feelings that OCD brings. That being said, even I will get impatient at times, I think to myself I’ve explained what he needs to do, he has a therapist who’s telling Him what he needs to do and he’s just not doing it...then I remember how difficult it was for me, as an adult to implement my therapy and what an excruciatingly painful experience it was and sometimes still is. Recently I’ve noticed a massive improvement in my son, and I was pretty sure he was getting a handle on things, but last night he allowed me to read a diary entry and my heart broke in pieces, as he explained his own frustrations at himself despite knowing what to do he explained it’s too hard and that he doesn’t trust his own brain, that made me so sad, because outwardly at the moment u would hardly know he’s struggling compared to a few months back when everything was so obvious on the outside. Frustration, anger and impatience are natural emotions for us as parents in our situation, the best advice I can give around these feelings is to make sure you and ur wife take time to yourselves to go out and relax from time to time, and to maybe take ur daughter out for some quality time without your son, be kind to yourselves and try and schedule as much time out as u can.even if it’s juts shutting yourself into your bedroom and having a cup a quiet cup of tea. It’s extremely difficult for the family too. Everyone is affected in one way or another. One of my major compulsions was avoidance, and a couple of years back this affected my family because I became agoraphobic and wouldn’t leave the house, so family days out became non existent and I spent an entire week of a holiday not leaving the apartment while my partner took our kids out everyday to do fun things, so while I wasn’t violent or abusive I certainly negatively impacted on my family, it wasn’t too long before I realised this though and began fighting it and slowly but surely got things back to normal, but I mostly did if for my kids, there was no bigger motivation for me. I think if I had of been younger without kids then I could’ve stayed that way as nothing would motivate me as much as they did.xx 

Thanks wonderer. Beginning to realise that - no matter how bad things are it isnt going to sink in with him - not his fault.

At the moment like I said, we've taken his PC and mobile off him - not working at all. He still doesnt seem interested.

Thinking about trying to focus on the positives hes achieved and giving him limited access back? I just dont know.

On the other hand, it seems like he can continue on with no consequences..... (maybe not the right approach though). He hasnt helped himself by one day finding his phone and using it (we caught him) and then yesterday we caught him on his PC at 1am! He knows he was banned so did this behind our backs....

Is this sort of behaviour related to his issues or just bad behaviour?

Its difficult to know what to do for the best.

Edited May 9, 2018 by paulfoel

[paulfoel]

1 hour ago, lostinme said:

I think all OCD issues have a negative affect on others as well as the sufferer, not only does it upset their lives it often causes upsets for their surrounding family too, even though not intensionally. The thing is you can’t really see it’s got to change at this stage, because all you can see is your own damaged mind and all you want is for it to just stop and wake up tomorrow feeling normal without these dreaded thoughts and the things you just feel so compelled to do. To us as a sufferer we don’t see no way out at this time, we just feel crazy and someone of damaged mind and don’t see no end to this dreaded nightmare. The behaviours are a must in the mind of the sufferer regardless of any other surrounding upsets it may cause, it’s not that they want to do it, it’s more a feeling they have to do it. Their behaviours are not intentional by any means it’s a case that the need to do these things are stronger than any other surrounding issues going on around them. It’s difficult to explain, but I hope this explains it a little better. 

I am from a family of 7 children, with one bathroom and one toilet, so as you can guess at times there was issues. Things did break out into arguments and upsets and at times, rather nasty sometimes too, but not violent( but I don’t personally suffer with Aspergers and this makes a big difference) but saying that my sister as two sons that do and I’ve spent a lot of time around them throughout their lives so I’ve got a fair bit of knowledge regarding it. It was only when they realised that i had a problem that things settled down and they became more understanding and supportive and the arguments subsided. After this, if upset did occur because of my behaviours and I got disturbed doing my compulsions etc, my mum would just say time out, not defend one or the other, even if it was her too and we would go to our rooms to calm down and discuss and talk things through later when things had settled down, this worked a treat and things was back to calm. I’m not sure if it’s the same for you? And why the arguments break out? But mine broke out usually when I was confronted over my behavioural problems and my disorder and it interfering and having an impact with others in the house hold. Usually it would break out from such statements as why don’t you just stop it, you don’t have to do it etc. Or I would be disturbed doing my compulsion etc, this would make matters much worse for me because I’d get more anxious and then I would need to start all over again. Are most of your arguments surrounding his disorder, or his behaviours such as bathroom/ toilet etc that usually cause the arguments? When your son gets violent is it usually escalated by some OCD issue? If when your son shows aggression do you show it back too? this could be the problem why it escalates so bad, he learns from your behaviour too, your teaching him that it’s ok to show aggression when you are having a disagreement. 

 

Obviously I’m older now and a bit more aware of this disorder and quite a good way on my journey towards recovery, however there was still times when the anxiety was so high that if I was disturbed when doing a compulsion arguments would still arise, even though I live alone with my daughter now. I’ve suffered with OCD for 42  years now, since I was 8. Throughout this time I’ve had numerous therapists with no improvement, not because I didn’t engage with the therapist, but more so because of the kind of therapy I received and what knowledge the therapist had regarding OCD and believe me this makes a huge difference. I’m now under a fantastic CBT specialist and for the first time in years I don’t feel like I’m going crazy. I’ve been doing CBT now for over two years, but it took at least three months initially, cognitively, before I started to view things differently ready to try to start to try to tackle behavioural changes. This is why I said it takes time and lots of patience. 

Hope this helps, feel free to ask anything, as I said via PM I’m only trying to be helpful. 

Lost 

Thanks Lost.

The thing I don't understand is it doesn't seem to bother him. Its just one of those things it seems to him. No hassles just got to do it. Its more like a bit of an inconvenience to him interrupting PC gaming time more than anything else. There is not any sign of any anxiety with him - his whole attitude seems to be "I can spend x amount in the bathroom if I want to".

He likes to use hand gel (a lot of it!) and so if we go out he takes it with him. Mostly. But then he often forgets it or can't be bothered to take it. I just don't understand that - if you really felt you needed the hand gel then surely you'd be obsessively making sure you took it with you?

We've learned to give him space and not cause arguments over his behaviours. The arguments now seem to be about his attitude at the moment which we find hard to fathom.

Big problem now is not so much his behaviours its his total obsession with seeing nothing else other than his PC. I guess this might be Aspergers related? He just doesn't see consequences or think about the future etc and has no interest at all in doing anything else. We banned him from PC and mobile - then caught him with the phone, next day hes asking if he can have his PC back, we tell him no, last night we catch him on his PC at 1am. Nothing to do with OCD here of course but failure to follow rules/consequences.

 I probably should have called the police - its not the 1st time (but thats another story). I'm sure if the police turned up and arrested him etc he'd be VERY VERY upset

In the past when he was younger he was always like this. Very cheeky kid. One time his mother was going out and told him off about something - not even that bad. He just can't seem to help mouthing off. Of course, because he couldnt stop himself and wait 5 minutes until she'd gone out he lost his PC for the weekend. It just seemed strange.

Of course biggest problem is his violence. Any attempt to tell him off about anything (90% of the time not OCD related) results in possible violence. And he just does not see it as a problem at all. The fact that we very nearly called the police and had him removed last week does not appear to have made any difference....I probably should have called the police - its not the 1st time (but thats another story). I'm sure if the police turned up and arrested him etc he'd be VERY VERY upset. But since the incident happened he does not seem to worry/stress or be anxious that this might happen i.e it all kicks off again and we call the police this time.

I imagine this aspergers related? I would be really upset if I'd done something that meant someone might call the police on me, and I'd be stressed about trying to make sure it didn't happen or take steps to make sure I didnt do the same thing. Son seems not to care at all.

[Wonderer]

Positive reinforcement seems to work much better with my son, really making a big deal out of all the good things is always a good approach, that’s not to say he won’t still misbehave though. A lot of what he’s doing could be also pretty typical teenage behaviour, I have a son who’s almost 15 and he has no anxiety etc, and I know he used to sneak onto his phone when He wasn’t supposed to! The best thing for that is physically taking those things away and hiding them where he won’t get them! I grounded my eldest with no access to phone or PlayStation for two weeks months ago and it really worked because he hasn’t gotten into any bother since, he was messing around in school and I won’t tolerate that at all! He even says it was the worst time ever lmao! X

[lostinme]

Im really sorry to hear this Paul, let’s hope it doesn’t come to that though  

I think that it’s possibly more the Aspergers that’s causing the issues and this is what needs addressing as well as his OCD  let’s hope you can get the help you need soon. Inbetween time you could always google violence in my aspergers child, hopefully this will be able to give you some good pointers to help you to get started  whilst you are waiting.