Am I doomed?

[Phili]

The therapy didn’t work, though to be honest the therapist left because she had another job, just when we started to tackle the biggest stuff, now I have no mental support at all. My big achievement, looking down the loo. Now everything is at a hush. My friend from HUTS no longer visits because she got a job and can’t volunteer anymore. I have become more and more withdrawn, more confused, unable to concentrate and my interest, motivation is non existent over everything, even my writing, which has moved into a, it doesn’t really matter phase. I don’t sleep, I don’t care, every single thing is a matter of, what’s the point? 

I don’t feel anything anymore, except anxiety, its the only thing. Numb, constantly, nothing matters to me and I don’t know what to do anymore. No one cares, the CPN doesn’t listen, nobody understands that getting better doesn’t matter, nothing does.

[InOverMyHead]

Your not doomed there are tons of places out there  have you tried researching what’s in your area or perhaps going back to your GP. They shouldn’t of discharged you they should of referred you elsewhere xxx

[Phili]

I can't go out I'm agoraphobic, my GP has written letters but it is always, we don't have anyone or who I do get is useless 

[snowbear]

You have a choice, Phili. You can wallow in self-pity, waiting for someone to come along and fix your life (ain't ever going to happen) or you can kick your own backside, refuse to let the problems you're facing get you down and make a plan to sort things out yourself. 

You're more than capable of making such a plan and implementing it. 

I'm housebound too, and constantly face one problem after another with people I rely on leaving or not turning up when they said they would. It gets me down sometimes, so I know how you feel. But I allow myself to wallow in self-pity for all of five minutes or less and then kick butt (mine) and force myself to get up and get on with things even though it's the last thing I feel like doing. Especially when I'm ill and doing even simple stuff is both physically and mentally exhausting. 

It comes down to this - we're housebound so we must rely on others for some things. But our choice not to engage with the world fully means we're forced to rely on ourselves for most things. When there are difficulties we must step up and sort them because there's nobody else there to do it and delegation isn't an option. This makes us tough and resilient, not weak and helpless. Be grateful for whatever is offered in the way of help instead of prejudging people as useless. 

I know you're every bit as tough and as capable as I am. So let's get a plan of action in place. I find it helps to itemise the problems, pick a solution for each and start tackling them one by one. Ticking them off a list is satisfying, will build your confidence and by taking action it will help you to shake off this depression.

Now, what's your plan?  

[Wonderer]

Snowbear, if you don’t mind me asking, are you housebound due to OCD?x

Philli, you’re only as doomed as you allow yourself to be, if you’re not going to try and make changes then nothing is going to change, a therapist cannot change you, but can give you the tools in order for YOU to change you, I know by now you have had so much advice, you know exactly how the disorder works and you know what you need to do, why sit around waiting for a therapist when you can absolutely make changes for yourself, even little tiny changes are huge in our situation, you can try it on your own, it’s hard but very doable! X

[Phili]

You see thats the issue, I don’t care about getting better, I don’t see the point or why it matters. I don’t see why anything matters, or why anything is important. I can’t get past that and until I do I can’t move forward and I don’t know how. I don’t have an answer.

[Phili]

Why don’t I care?

[Wonderer]

I would say u don’t care because of depression, however once u start to do things even if u don’t feel like doing them, achievements can boost our mood and then maybe when U start getting some enjoyment out of life it will remind u that life is worth living and u can strive to do even more with your life, honestly, I would feel pretty hopeless too if I wasn’t going anywhere, wasn’t seeing any one or doing any activities outside of the house and not enjoying my hobbies anymore, but of course you’re only like that because of OCD, when u start to fight OCD then things will change! X

[Caramoole]

Clearly at some level you do or you wouldn't have posted this thread.

Why don't you care?  Probably all sorts of reasons, apathy, habit, routine, humdrum boring existence, lack of expectation, low mood (because of all of these things).

Therapy won't work if you don't work at it.  A therapist doesn't make you better, we do that ourselves by "doing" the things that are suggested and advised.  We can't wait to feel 'fixed" before we do these things, we have to start the process of doing things first and then little by little we start to fix ourselves and the improved emotions and joy for life return.

Over the last few years we have talked a lot.  We've talked about the need to have goals, to have a plan.  This can be little things like taking care of your own needs, food drink....doing some household tasks.  Taking charge of your health, your diet.  There are bigger challenges like the agoraphobia and this is something you CAN do something about if you choose.  A couple of years back you started this, you had a plan, you got outside the door and then you ditched the plan and stopped practising or progressing with the  challenge.

It's a harsh truth to find that it's up to us to do the work needed to make improvement.  You've had a great deal of input from a Psychologist and probably not done the recommended exercises she suggested....somebody visiting once a week and talking won't make us better....it is us "doing" that makes the difference.  

So many times we've encouraged you to set goals, to make a plan and then start the process of doing it.  Sadly Phili, you never do.  You start a thread like this, suggestions are made but you don't follow through, you don't make that plan, you don't use the forum to help you work through the challenges, the success's, the problems.....you disappear, you ditch the thread.....until next time.

Don't wait for that lightbulb moment to come before taking action.....you've lived your life like this since you were 12 years old, it's your normal.  You have to start to change that first for any glimmer of optimism to appear.

Apart from looking down the toilet and not posting all your compulsions....what else have you done to make changes in your day to day routine and lifestyle?  When did you last open the back door, make food on a daily basis for you and your Brother, run a vac round, clean the bathroom, take some exercise?

In some respects you have made huge progress.  This woman who couldn't see anyone and hid behind a curtain can see people (even enjoys doing so and misses it), can see a doctor, the optician, the OT.  Just as you overcame these massive phobia's, you can also change others.  You need to set those goals and make a start and I know you can do it.

Caramoole

 

[bruces]

I can relate to you phili it sure is tough mate but what else can we do? 

[lostinme]

Come on guys, you can start just a little step at a time, don’t be defeated because things are tough  find your inner strength and start to turn this around, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for  I’ve been fighting for two years now and no I’m not in recovery yet but I’ve made some huge changes that have changed my life no end and believe me there was a lot to change. Do I give up? no I battle on everyday, why? because do I want to use my all my effort and courage living with this disorder day in day out with the knowledge it will get worse? No  I’d rather use every last drop of courage and effort fighting it with the knowledge that one day I could well be free from this  I don’t ever look for the finish line ? I just take things one day at a time and with each step of improvement I make I know I’m getting one step closer to it and within this process I’m gaining confidence that we can turn things around differently and not live a life in constant fear 

You can do this  believe in yourself 

[Orwell1984]

2 hours ago, lostinme said:

Come on guys, you can start just a little step at a time, don’t be defeated because things are tough  find your inner strength and start to turn this around, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for  I’ve been fighting for two years now and no I’m not in recovery yet but I’ve made some huge changes that have changed my life no end and believe me there was a lot to change. Do I give up? no I battle on everyday, why? because do I want to use my all my effort and courage living with this disorder day in day out with the knowledge it will get worse? No  I’d rather use every last drop of courage and effort fighting it with the knowledge that one day I could well be free from this  I don’t ever look for the finish line ? I just take things one day at a time and with each step of improvement I make I know I’m getting one step closer to it and within this process I’m gaining confidence that we can turn things around differently and not live a life in constant fear 

You can do this  believe in yourself 

Well done Lost. This is the right mentality to cultivate ????

[Caramoole]

Phili, you need to get back and engage in the thread you started.  You will often make a statement but don't follow it up with any discussion, action or plan of how you might start to move forward and change things.  You tend to carry on as before without actively looking at different options.

Action comes first, improvement in feelings follow with change.

[Phili]

Sorry. I am reading it, I have been wearing shoes recently, which I have not done for some time, been opening the window, I am getting a peddling machine for exercise, I made a list of things I wanted to do but got waylaid because I felt like, what’s the point, why am I improving or trying to?

[Isthisreality]

24 minutes ago, Phili said:

Sorry. I am reading it, I have been wearing shoes recently, which I have not done for some time, been opening the window, I am getting a peddling machine for exercise, I made a list of things I wanted to do but got waylaid because I felt like, what’s the point, why am I improving or trying to?

It's up to you if you want to recover. But i would like to say that you don't benefit from having that attitude when it comes to recovery. Because you need all motivation you can have.

I would like to suggest that you are depressed over the whole situation. And i can understand that, but you need to fight it no matter how sad you are about it all.

Edited May 8, 2018 by Isthisreality

[Phili]

I'm not sad, i'm not anything. I found my goal lists

[Isthisreality]

1 minute ago, Phili said:

I'm not sad, i'm not anything. I found my goal lists

Ok then. Well it is up to you if you want to get recovered, but i think it is the depression/anxiety and OCD which tells you those things. Sure you can go on with the OCD, but the only thing it will guarantee is that you will keep getting anxiety. 

What are you winning by not doing it? You get to be in power for a very short while. I have had those moments when i feel like maybe i shouldn't recover because it implies i need to do something, and i didn't want to. Who is he/she to tell me i need to change, i mean i wanted certainty and the OCD atleast are saying that it gives us certainty. But it doesn't

Edited May 8, 2018 by Isthisreality

[Caramoole]

3 hours ago, Phili said:

I'm not sad, i'm not anything. I found my goal lists

So, what are those goals, get them posted?

[Phili]

On 08/05/2018 at 21:59, Caramoole said:

So, what are those goals, get them posted?

How do I post an image?

[Caramoole]

If you look in the bottom right hand corner of the reply box you'll see an option to attach files

[Phili]

On 10/05/2018 at 20:29, Caramoole said:

If you look in the bottom right hand corner of the reply box you'll see an option to attach files

I don't see it 

[Caramoole]

Sorry....should have said bottom Left Hand corner.  It shows paperclip etc

[gingerbreadgirl]

If you are struggling to post an image Phili perhaps it might help to type out your goals here instead?

I find writing out goals more than once helps to make them more real to me anyway. x