Guilt over school work

[Jen_90]

Hi everyone,

I feel guilty over lots of things (this possibly doesn’t relate to OCD as I’m pretty sure most people feel guilt to some extent!). Anyway, one theme of my guilt is around plagiarism- uni was a bit of a nightmare! I still worry about it to this day (eg at work, although not to the same extent as deep down I know people won’t care if I re-use someone’s phrase in an email). 

Anyway, I tend to go through phases of worrying about different things, as opposed to caring about everything all at once. It tends to be more likely to happen when I ‘should’ be happy/have a lot of free time- ie bank holiday weekend! 

Todays worry is something that happened in school when doing my alevels (for context I’m now 30). We were doing some controlled course work (ie test conditions) for Chemistry a level and, as usual, I was struggling. I’m pretty sure it was because I didn’t listen to the instructions properly. Anyway, I came  to a question I couldn’t do and it was probably worth quite a few marks. I started looking around me and saw how another student had answered (ie the method they had used), which I then started to apply myself. I think I then put my hand up and told the teacher I was stuck however when they saw what I had done (ie the method I was using) confirmed that this was right. 

Obviously I know this was wrong, hence why I still sometimes ruminate on it. And I know I was definitely against cheating so don’t know why my panic got the better of me. I didn’t do amazingly well at my a levels but did manage to get into a good uni, which has been a springboard for all other achievements in my life. I feel so guilty that I don’t deserve any of this. I have a relatively well paid job and live such a privileged life but I haven’t earned any of it. What if I was borderline and only got the grade I did because I looked at someone else’s work? I want to make things right but I will look crazy if I confess to someone now. And who to? My old school? The exam board? Admissions at my uni?

Any advice would be appreciated. 

[Angst]

There is nothing you can do during this bank holiday weekend as all institutions will be closed so I would enjoy the sun. You answer your own question - ‘I will look crazy if I confess to someone now’. Do your guilt feelings often give rise to the wish to confess? I would enjoy the bank holiday especially as it is an unusual one with good weather!

Edited May 5, 2018 by Angst

[Wonderer]

Hey, ur whole post smacks of OCD! Honestly ur having obsessive thoughts about ur A level and ur compulsions is the urge to confess, there is nothing to confess, u didn’t cheat, u seen the method u had to use and u used it, correctly, using ur own brain. Thinking back on school I remember copying my friends homework’s in the mornings for some subjects that I wasn’t great at, I also used to pretend I’d studied when I hadn’t, pretended I’d forgotten my book if I hadn’t got something done and skipped class sometimes! I look back at all of that with literally no care in the world, most people do stuff like that! I doubt the couple of marks that u got for that question are the be all and end all of all u have achieved, if u weren’t capable U wouldn’t have managed in uni etc, u have worked hard and deserve every bit of success xx

[Jen_90]

Thank you for responding. Angst, you’re  right that there’s probably nothing I can do right now. My problem is that I can’t relax knowing there’s something I can/should do on Tuesday (that could then change everything).

I have spoken to my dad about it, who tried to reassure me. Still so angry at myself for even trying to look at anyone’s work in the first place.

[Angst]

Hi Jen.  Just glanced that your previous posts. There seems to be a theme of believing that you have done wrong and self criticism. As I said in my previous post, I agree with you that it would, to use your words, be ‘crazy’ to  confess to a minor incident that occurred years ago. Perhaps relaxing is not the answer but being active. Go for a long hike or cycle ride......... .

[PolarBear]

This is entirely OCD. Your mind latched onto an inconsequential, minor event from your past and has blown its importance all out of proportion. You make things so much worse by ruminating over it and considering other compulsions like confessing. Typical OCD.

Leave it alone. Refuse to get into mind debates over it. You are under no obligation to digure this out. You are allowed to brush it off and get on with your life.

[Chlo]

 

You had to know the method to some extent in order to apply it, so even if seeing her paper jogged your memory, it was still you who got that mark. 
Also you wouldn't have gotten your job now if you hadn't passed uni, which had nothing to do with your A-levels.  
even if you did copy, it would unlikely have made a significant difference overall, but in the worst cases scenario that it might have advanced your make, even if you hadn't copied and failed, you would likely have restit them and would still be where you are today. Everyone does this, so try not to worry. 

Edited May 5, 2018 by Chlo

[Running Lover]

I know exactly what you are thinking @Jen_90I have had similar issues. I won’t go in to detail but basically thinking I shouldn’t have passed driving test. Degree. Job interview (someone told me the questions). It is all ocd that’s all you need to know. And I also get worse on long hol weekends etc it’s like it latches on knowing I should be enjoying myself 

[ecomum]

I have the same type of ocd. I worry about the consequences of things I did from yesterday to 32 years ago. Its all stuff other people wouldn't give a second thought to, as is yours. I can see yours is ocd and nothing to worry about but I do understand cos I can never see it with mine. Tell yourself "no one got hurt" and get busy with something. This will pass. There is a fantastic book by Jeff Bell called' when in doubt make believe' which helps you understand why confessing is short term relief but wrong in the long run. 

Hope this helps ☀