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When you feel like you’ve done to many wrong things to be able to live normal life


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Hi. I’m still struggling a lot. I’ve cut back on reassurance seeking ( next to none ) and physical compulsions ( checking on myself ) but still with every day that passes I think of another awful compulsion *carried out all along my ocd theme. My psychologist said she isn’t bothered she knows I’m no risk to children I’ve never carried anything out for personal gratification and furthermore never had gross intent it was merely a checking compulsion she sees as a symptom of an illness but I just can’t let it go. 

Today I went to the beach and wrote on a stone “I want to die” on one side and “help me please” on the other. I can’t explain why it makes no sense but I thought if there is a god and he can see me now surely he can see the pain I’m in and let me go in some way even by death. I would take that. I often hope I get run over so that my family don’t have to cope with effects of suicide because at least the could get over an accident. 

Sorry to sound so selfish and glum but I can’t talk to anyone I’m away from home st the moment so it’s difficult to worry family over the phone I don’t want to upset anybody. 

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3 minutes ago, paradoxer said:

Sorry to hear that you're in the trenches. Try to remember, the many  'wrong' things you've done or feel you've done, aren't the problem. Your OCD is. 

I wish that was true. For most people yes. But for me it’s actual things not just in my head. Actions ( compulsions ). I just can’t forgive myself I’ve been trying since Feb. The weird thing is until Feb this year I hadn’t thought of this. I just did them at the time didn’t think any wrong because I thought I was doing right checking. Now I understand ocd I know it was all a lie in my head in the first place so therefore the checking shouldn’t have took place. I was scared. I am scared now more scared than ever. Just don’t want this on my mind for the rest of my life  

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Hey Running Lover don’t be so hard on yourself :( I use to feel exactly the same as you :( but I’ve turned it all around now and even though I’ve still got OCD I want to be here more than ever and reclaim my life back from the evil crutches of OCD. This can be you too, please never ever give up hope on recovery, work at it and if you fall pick yourself up and start again each and every time. You will have bad days I’m not going to lie, but eventually you will have more good ones than bad ones. Self forgiveness is a must :yes: a really important part. You say you’ve done so many things wrong that you can’t forgive yourself for, I don’t know what they are and to be honest it’s not important. All these things are in the past, show yourself a little compassion, because these things were driven by this dreaded disorder and nothing more. Be kind to yourself, forgive yourself and let it go, start making new changes today and let the past be :yes:

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1 hour ago, Running Lover said:

I wish that was true. For most people yes. But for me it’s actual things not just in my head. Actions ( compulsions ). I just can’t forgive myself I’ve been trying since Feb. The weird thing is until Feb this year I hadn’t thought of this. I just did them at the time didn’t think any wrong because I thought I was doing right checking. Now I understand ocd I know it was all a lie in my head in the first place so therefore the checking shouldn’t have took place. I was scared. I am scared now more scared than ever. Just don’t want this on my mind for the rest of my life  

It is true. It's all a big lie in your head. You carry on like your situation is different than everyone else. It's not. You have intrusive thoughts that you've done majorly wrong things. That upsets you and in response you do compulsions. It's everyday OCD.

 

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39 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

It is true. It's all a big lie in your head. You carry on like your situation is different than everyone else. It's not. You have intrusive thoughts that you've done majorly wrong things. That upsets you and in response you do compulsions. It's everyday OCD.

 

I just can’t deal without because of the theme. If I had been checking a door non stop I couldn’t care less but it wasn’t a door was it. That’s what I can’t cope with. 

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I've talked to many people over the years with your theme. It's called Real Life or Guilt OCD. Your mind fixates on something you did. Everyone else thinks that something is minor. But not you. Oh no. OCD blows it up into this huge thing. You get sucked in by it and do compulsions, notably confessing, ruminating and reassurance seeking, which makes the problem worse. It's all OCD.

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I think I have a fair idea of what ur compulsions may have entailed, when we have this disorder we are driven to do things in order to disprove that our fears are true, if we didn’t have the disorder we would not do the things we do sometimes, instead of beating yourself up forever get angry, get angry at the disorder and make it ur motivation to kick its butt!!! Your therapist knows what u did was a symptom of an illness, it’s not the real you, it’s nothing but illness. You’re clearly in the grips of OCD thinking around this and it’s just another variant of the disorder, don’t allow it to make you feel all that guilt!x

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On 5/5/2018 at 11:49, Running Lover said:

I wish that was true. For most people yes. But for me it’s actual things not just in my head. Actions ( compulsions ). I just can’t forgive myself I’ve been trying since Feb. The weird thing is until Feb this year I hadn’t thought of this. I just did them at the time didn’t think any wrong because I thought I was doing right checking. Now I understand ocd I know it was all a lie in my head in the first place so therefore the checking shouldn’t have took place. I was scared. I am scared now more scared than ever. Just don’t want this on my mind for the rest of my life  

You're not special (that's OCD at work)  - for everyone it's 'actual things'. There are plenty of people who have done whatever you've done, and don't obsess about it. If you want to think about it less, be prepared to think it about more. The more you run, the worse it'll get. 

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