FantasyNerd98 Posted May 8, 2018 Author Share Posted May 8, 2018 Just now, gingerbreadgirl said: Child porn is different, watching child porn supports an industry which abuses children. Deliberately viewing child porn is illegal and for good reason. I heard that 4chan had problem with people posting child porn there..... If someone masturbated to that ? Its the same thing like i did...... Link to comment
gingerbreadgirl Posted May 8, 2018 Share Posted May 8, 2018 What you are doing now is reassurance seeking and it will never ever help. All you can do is learn from past mistakes and not repeat them. What you're doing now is not helping anyone, least of all you. Link to comment
FantasyNerd98 Posted May 8, 2018 Author Share Posted May 8, 2018 (edited) 3 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said: What you are doing now is reassurance seeking and it will never ever help. All you can do is learn from past mistakes and not repeat them. What you're doing now is not helping anyone, least of all you. I almost have panic attack when i think about what i did.... You can be sure i will never to it again ... you can be 100% sure of that.... I guess i also have PTSD because i feel very awful when i see something similar mentioned by somebody..... What i think about is if i crossed the line..... I want to treat my OCD.... but i believe i crossed that line and that i HAVE to confesse regardless of my OCD.... Edited May 8, 2018 by FantasyNerd98 Link to comment
Isthisreality Posted May 8, 2018 Share Posted May 8, 2018 You are not special, nothing new. It is up to you if you move on. People with OCD feel that bad. Link to comment
FantasyNerd98 Posted May 8, 2018 Author Share Posted May 8, 2018 3 minutes ago, Isthisreality said: You are not special, nothing new. It is up to you if you move on. People with OCD feel that bad. This is what i want.... i want myself to be just another person with OCD worring about an unimportant thing... But something in me is telling me that what i did was nothing small and yes, i do have OCD but i actually did something unnaceptable... Link to comment
carlleo123 Posted May 8, 2018 Share Posted May 8, 2018 1 minute ago, FantasyNerd98 said: This is what i want.... i want myself to be just another person with OCD worring about an unimportant thing... But something in me is telling me that what i did was nothing small and yes, i do have OCD but i actually did something unnaceptable... But what seems unimportant to you is very important to them. The same as what seems important to you may seem unimportant to them if that makes sense. I guess that's OCD blowing what many would see as trivial to most into the such a major thing for a sufferer. Link to comment
Isthisreality Posted May 8, 2018 Share Posted May 8, 2018 (edited) 5 minutes ago, FantasyNerd98 said: This is what i want.... i want myself to be just another person with OCD worring about an unimportant thing... But something in me is telling me that what i did was nothing small and yes, i do have OCD but i actually did something unnaceptable... So you are still telling yourself and us that you are special. But you are not. Only you can take the step. Edited May 8, 2018 by Isthisreality Link to comment
gingerbreadgirl Posted May 8, 2018 Share Posted May 8, 2018 15 minutes ago, FantasyNerd98 said: i want myself to be just another person with OCD worring about an unimportant thing... It may seem unimportant to you. But trust me you would feel exactly like this with any other theme. Link to comment
FantasyNerd98 Posted May 8, 2018 Author Share Posted May 8, 2018 I know.... i masturbated to other stuff that was very weird and pretty disgusting..... but it has nothing to do with children..... but its not illegal so there is no point talking about that here.... sometimes i feel bad about that too.... so i guess that after i would confess about the news report i would have to confess about other weird stuff i masturbated to too... Link to comment
FantasyNerd98 Posted May 8, 2018 Author Share Posted May 8, 2018 I confessed about the other videos to my friends too... and they just brushed it off again... Link to comment
Caramoole Posted May 8, 2018 Share Posted May 8, 2018 You can masturbate to whatever thought or material you wish...no matter how bizarre it may seem to others...providing it isn't illegal and no-one else is harmed. This is what happened here, this was news footage, publicly available. You were 17 and 17 year olds are driven by all sorts. The distress you feel today is because you are in the grip of OCD. As GBG suggests you now have the opportunity to put the information to use and try and change how you currently react and respond Link to comment
FantasyNerd98 Posted May 8, 2018 Author Share Posted May 8, 2018 4 minutes ago, Caramoole said: You can masturbate to whatever thought or material you wish...no matter how bizarre it may seem to others...providing it isn't illegal and no-one else is harmed. This is what happened here, this was news footage, publicly available. You were 17 and 17 year olds are driven by all sorts. The distress you feel today is because you are in the grip of OCD. As GBG suggests you now have the opportunity to put the information to use and try and change how you currently react and respond I understand what you mean that we can masturbate to anthing as long as its not illegal and no one gets harmed... But what i masturbated to was a CHILD being abused........... I have a fetish for extreme domination... i fantasize about being killed...... i masturbated to murder videos i seen on liveleak..... i forgiven myself everything.... but i cant forgive myself the news report.... i cant forgive myself the news report because there was a child in it.... and that crossed the line for me..... Link to comment
Isthisreality Posted May 8, 2018 Share Posted May 8, 2018 (edited) 5 minutes ago, FantasyNerd98 said: I understand what you mean that we can masturbate to anthing as long as its not illegal and no one gets harmed... But what i masturbated to was a CHILD being abused........... I have a fetish for extreme domination... i fantasize about being killed...... i masturbated to murder videos i seen on liveleak..... i forgiven myself everything.... but i cant forgive myself the news report.... i cant forgive myself the news report because there was a child in it.... and that crossed the line for me..... You are stuck. It is pretty obvious to us what is going on here. I don't care what you have looked at, or i wouldn't take it serious til you recover from OCD. You have confessed to 50 people and you are only arguing with yourself at this point, you are stuck. The good thing is that you can get so much better, because it is obvious that you are very anxious now. Edited May 8, 2018 by Isthisreality Link to comment
FantasyNerd98 Posted May 8, 2018 Author Share Posted May 8, 2018 Just now, Isthisreality said: You are stuck. It is pretty obvious to us what is going on here. I don't care what you have looked at, or i wouldn't take it serious til you recover from OCD. You have confessed to 50 people and you are only arguing with yourself at this point, you are stuck. The good thing is that you can get so much better, because it is clear that you are very anxious now. Yes im VERY anxious.... i feel like i did something that i cant get back from... i feel like i did something that will forever stay with me and i feel like i lost all my "innocence" by masturbating to those videos......To be clear... i have never seen anything illegal... i got aroused every time i saw a video of somebody being beaten up... because i fantasize about being beaten up.... Im tired.... im very tired.....i feel like a monster .... like a rotten person... like a sex offender....nothing that anybody says will give me reasurrance because i believe that everybody is being too nice to me and doesnt understand how ****** up the thing i did was..... I dont know why i made this thread... because nothing that anyone says can make me feel better...... I had a plan.... i picked a spot where i never seen people... and just when i got there to finish it some stupid bikers saw me and called police.... and im afraid to try it again... and im stuck living this life..... i cannot have a partner because i think i dont deserve to have one..... But at the same time... i know im not that bad of a person..... i do a pretty important thing to help people.... but i wont say what in case some of you might recognize me.... so i guess helping others might be the reason i will stay alive.... but this is not a life im enjoying..... The shame and the guilt is unbearable.... as of right now its midnight and i feel like im going to explode...... i dont know why am writing this... i just feel so alone.... Link to comment
hedvig Posted May 8, 2018 Share Posted May 8, 2018 Hugs hugs hugs to you FantasyNerd! I don’t have a lot to add because I think everyone understands how obvious it is that OCD has blown this thing completely out of propotion and you have been given some good advice in the thread. You have to hang in there and move on from this despite how anxious that will make you at start. You have to decide that you’ve had enough and refuse to believe what your mind is telling you. When you can’t trust yourself, trust the people around you. And trust me, you deserve better. Link to comment
FantasyNerd98 Posted May 8, 2018 Author Share Posted May 8, 2018 1 minute ago, hedvig said: Hugs hugs hugs to you FantasyNerd! I don’t have a lot to add because I think everyone understands how obvious it is that OCD has blown this thing completely out of propotion and you have been given some good advice in the thread. You have to hang in there and move on from this despite how anxious that will make you at start. You have to decide that you’ve had enough and refuse to believe what your mind is telling you. When you can’t trust yourself, trust the people around you. And trust me, you deserve better. Thank you (: ..... but OCD is very inteligent...... it knows what to say to me....... If i told a girl that " i maturbated to child abuse"... i cant imagine her not freaking out...... thats why i believe that i did a really bad thing..... I know what i did was sexually unhealthy but...... idk how bad it is.... but 50+ people allready told me it was not THAT bad so... But still ... the shame and the guilt..... everybody has a breaking point Link to comment
FantasyNerd98 Posted May 8, 2018 Author Share Posted May 8, 2018 (edited) Also..... when i was a kid my father forced me to watch gore videos...... so maybe thats one of the reason why i was so desentized to things i saw online...... but i dont want to use my childhood trauma to apologize what i did Edited May 8, 2018 by FantasyNerd98 Link to comment
hedvig Posted May 8, 2018 Share Posted May 8, 2018 Yes, but you can totally turn this thing around and you can start right now. Start recognizing your intrusive thoughts and observe how you respond to them. Those scenarios you are picturing of you telling a future partner about this are intrusive thoughts and you really do not have to engage in them. Link to comment
FantasyNerd98 Posted May 8, 2018 Author Share Posted May 8, 2018 Just now, hedvig said: Yes, but you can totally turn this thing around and you can start right now. Start recognizing your intrusive thoughts and observe how you respond to them. Those scenarios you are picturing of you telling a future partner about this are intrusive thoughts and you really do not have to engage in them. I know its OCD.... but its true that she would freak out if i told her.... that what makes me think i did a horrible thing... Link to comment
hedvig Posted May 8, 2018 Share Posted May 8, 2018 2 minutes ago, FantasyNerd98 said: Also..... when i was a kid my father forced me to watch gore videos...... so maybe thats one of the reason why i was so desentized to things i saw online...... but i dont want to use my childhood trauma to apologize what i did You are ruminating and trying to find answers to why this happened. All of that are compulsions. Stop doing it. Tell yourself you do not have to search for answers, that you are allowed to walk away from this. Link to comment
hedvig Posted May 8, 2018 Share Posted May 8, 2018 1 minute ago, FantasyNerd98 said: I know its OCD.... but its true that she would freak out if i told her.... that what makes me think i did a horrible thing... It is OCD making you feel like you need to know for sure how she would respond, how you would be judged, how bad this is. You do not have to find out. You can tell your brain you are leaving this alone. Link to comment
FantasyNerd98 Posted May 8, 2018 Author Share Posted May 8, 2018 1 minute ago, hedvig said: You are ruminating and trying to find answers to why this happened. All of that are compulsions. Stop doing it. Tell yourself you do not have to search for answers, that you are allowed to walk away from this. It happened becase im attracted to dominant women... and i have fantasies about being beaten up.... thats why i got aroused..... but it was a kid.....a kid.. Link to comment
FantasyNerd98 Posted May 8, 2018 Author Share Posted May 8, 2018 (edited) I want to leave this alone..... but i feel like a partner deserves to know things like that.... i feel like it would be disrespect towards her if i didnt told her Edited May 8, 2018 by FantasyNerd98 Link to comment
hedvig Posted May 8, 2018 Share Posted May 8, 2018 Just now, FantasyNerd98 said: It happened becase im attracted to dominant women... and i have fantasies about being beaten up.... thats why i got aroused..... but it was a kid.....a kid.. Nowhere in my post did I ask you why it happened. I did the opposite, I told you you are allowed to leave this alone and not analyze why. Analyzing, going over this again and again are compulsions. Link to comment
hedvig Posted May 8, 2018 Share Posted May 8, 2018 1 minute ago, FantasyNerd98 said: I want to leave this alone..... but i feel like a partner deserves to know things like that.... i feel like it would be disrespect towards her if i didnt told her I know you feel that way. But in order to get better, you have to ignore that feeling. You have to do what feels wrong to you, and you have to fake it till you make it. Link to comment
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