Why am I still afraid of it?

[carlleo123]

Hi all since the birth of my son almost 6 years ago I've had the same thoughts and urges. Mainly it's about punching people and driving into traffic. I was kind of diagnosed with OCD but they wouldn't give me an official diagnosis however from all the reading I have done I know it's what I have. However, every day is the same, I feel an urge to punch, it feels real, I get scared as it felt like I was about to do it, then my brain tells me I want to do it. It feels like I'm on a merry go round I can't get off. Due to this I don't get much enjoyment out of life anymore and it has affected my relationship with my son, I try to be as good a parent as I can and do lots of things with him, but it's not easy, especially with my head telling me I don't love him even though I know I do deep down. Sorry if I've rambled and I hope I've made sense. I guess I just need to know how to stop the fear of my urges and thoughts?

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi Carlleo

Sorry to hear you are still suffering so much with this

I'm sure you know that fighting the urges/thoughts is what's keeping them alive, and that the answer is to accept the thoughts without trying to push them away. Easy to say, not easy to do.  I know it probably feels very reckless to accept the possibility that you might punch someone/drive into traffic/not love your son.  The serious and threatening nature of OCD's taunts are what make it so powerful and so difficult to overcome.  I'm sure you also know that OCD sufferers do not act on these fears.  Knowing that is not the same as feeling it, however - and I'm sure you feel that you could be the exception, that the feeling is so powerful you can't trust yourself not to act on it. 

The answer to your question above (how to stop the fear of my urges and thoughts?) is that nothing you can do will make them go away over night, or even in a week or two.  But you can get better from this.  The answer is to take the leap of faith - to believe that this is OCD, it is just something stupid your brain has latched onto, nothing else.  You don't have to fully believe that, but just take the leap of faith anyway.  And then you embrace your fears, as much as you can.  There is more to this than I can put in a single post (and I'm sure you've read it already).  As an example, if you avoid being around knives, say, then you could deliberately put a knife next to your bed every day, for months if necessary.  You could drive near busy pavements.  Or anything else that you prefer to avoid as it makes you anxious.  Go straight towards it, over and over again. It's horrible and terrifing but so is suffering with OCD.

There's more to it than this and there are numerous self-help books on the subject.  But I think the most important thing (and something I think you've mentioned you struggle with) is to stick with it long enough and persistently enough to see results - even if things initially get worse.

Hope you feel better soon and can get back to enjoying life once more x

 

[carlleo123]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write that reply gingerbreadgirl. I know everything you are saying is right. I will read through it again and try to take on board everything you have said. I guess I just bottle out of the battle at times as my anxiety often makes me feel unwell. It's a bit of a viscous circle in so much as when I am tired I feel worse but of course the anxiety I feel makes me more tired. But you are right at some stage I will need to take a leap of faith. Once again thank you

[gingerbreadgirl]

 

17 hours ago, carlleo123 said:

Thank you so much for taking the time to write that reply gingerbreadgirl. I know everything you are saying is right. I will read through it again and try to take on board everything you have said. I guess I just bottle out of the battle at times as my anxiety often makes me feel unwell. It's a bit of a viscous circle in so much as when I am tired I feel worse but of course the anxiety I feel makes me more tired. But you are right at some stage I will need to take a leap of faith. Once again thank you

It is so hard not to back out with exposure (I have bottled out more times than I count) and you shouldn't be hard on yourself.  OCD is so hard.  Take it easy on yourself won't you

This morning I was thinking about harm OCD.  My cat was sleeping on the landing and as I walked past I got this totally random thought "I want to stamp on her". It was a random garbage thought and because I don't have harm OCD, it drifted through and I didn't give it much thought other than to think how random it was.  BUT if my OCD had latched onto it, I can see how easily that one thought could have been nurtured to life and become a whole nightmare of its own.  The only difference between me having that random thought and you having your first random thought (or that you noticed anyway) is that I didn't do any compulsions around it and it drifted out of my mind, my cat blissfully unaware.  But your OCD latched onto that first thought and as a result you have responded so many times that those links in your brain are well-worn.  The key for you is to respond just as I did to the 'wanting to stamp on my cat' thought - with mild interest at most.  It will be so hard because of those pathways in your brain but that's all they are - they are not based in reality.  They have just been built by how you've responded in the past.  If you start responding in new ways, consistently and repeatedly, going towards your fears and showing your brain how small an issue they are, eventually those pathways will start to fade and you will build new ones.  It doesn't happen over night though.

I don't know if any of that ramble helps! Just thought I'd share x

[Isthisreality]

Gingerbreadgirl wrote good posts. I just want to repeat that the thought is living on in your mind because you are powering it up. By being so very fearful of the thought (what the thought tells you). The bad news are that it can go on for a long time if you keep doing what you have done. The good news are that you can stop it by doing differently. 

Don't get obsessed with being diagnosed, it is typical OCD. 

Edited May 9, 2018 by Isthisreality

[carlleo123]

That makes so much sense thank you gingerbread girl. I have come to realisation that I need more patience. What you said about neural pathways is so interesting. When I'm rational about it all of course it stands to reason that when I'm in certain situations that I will get the thoughts and urges as that's the way my mind is now used to reacting it's just when it happens I can't see that instead I just try to convince myself I couldn't do it by testing myself which I know is stupid and as isthisreality says I'm only going to change things by doing things differently.

 

thank you both so much for your wonderful advice and I promise I will try to take it onboard as I really do need to get my life back

[gingerbreadgirl]

best of luck Carlleo x