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Ironborn

Do i love my wife?

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For a while now ive been gettibg thoughts if i love my wife or not. This year we will be together for 10 years from which we have been married 4 years. 

Rocd is a bit new to me, and im not sure if this is rocd ive had all kinds od other ocd forms thats for sure. 

Alot of times im comparing my feelings dor my wife with other people i think i love. Like my brother, whenever i think of him i feel this love and protective feeling. And then i switch thinking of my wife and it sort of feels blank. I just keep comparing the two and i feel really anxious for not feeling that overprotective feeling towards her. She is also pregnant btw for 7 weeks now, and i feel alot of responsibility. Not jn a bad way, but it does make me anxious tho. 

On the other hand, when me and my wife were going trough a hard period last year we almost divorced, i was broken and crying all day being extremely anxious of her wanting to divorce me. 

Ehy cant i feel that kind of emotions right now? We are in such a good place right now. And whenever these thoughts dont come up were great together. But onxe they come up and i start comparing her to others i get uncertain and anxious. Especially because im afraid i might decide to divorce her, while i dobt want to divorce her, i enjoy my life with her, and im looking out for having this baby with her. 

 

But why do i get these thoughts then, and even more importantly why dont i feel anything for her when comparing her? 

Could it be my medication maybe? I dont know. All i knoe is i want to love her so much i really do. But how???? 

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I cant seem to stop checking my feelings for my wife. Today we layed together on the coach and it was nice. But when i started to think of my little brother i felt this sort of warm feeling inside, and then i switched to my wife and i felt blank. Why is this? Im getting sad and anxious because i want to feel this warm and loving feeling while thinking of her. 

I have zero desire to divorce, i enjoy my life the way it is right now. (exept the ocd). 

But im getting anxious all day because im afraid that i might just suddenly file a divorce. But i dont want to divorce sy wjy am i scared i might impulsively file one??? 

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11 minutes ago, Ironborn said:

But im getting anxious all day because im afraid that i might just suddenly file a divorce. But i dont want to divorce sy wjy am i scared i might impulsively file one??? 

Because you have OCD, and you are carrying out compulsions as a result of the doubt it sows in your mind. 

Now with this type of theme, OCD takes our true core values of love and care, and suggests that in fact the opposite is true. 

Hence we feel extremely upset, anxious, desirous of carrying out tests, analysis. 

The way to beat this is to refuse to play ball with the OCD. 

Now you know its game, refuse to listen to those intrusions it plants in your brain. Re-attribute them to OCD, don't believe, don't connect, just note them then calmly get busy on something else. 

When your mind gets used to doing this, the intrusions will lose power, and strength. 

That's what to do, but only you can carry this out. 

Remember, you don't need any special mental powers to do this. You need understanding, commitment, patience and persistence. 

 

Edited by taurean
corrections

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I know its probably ocd. But my mind keeps telling me what if it is not? 

What if i really dont love her? 

I know i felt love for her in te past, and i just really wanna feel it right now again. I keep touching her cuddling her to check if i feel anything while doing so. 

Edited by Ironborn

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2 minutes ago, Ironborn said:

But my mind keeps telling me what if it is not?

Classic OCD - and you will never get the answer you want.  The more you search, the less certain you will feel.

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"What if it's not OCD?",  said on an OCD forum from a regular poster of the same issue and doubt. 

Well.. 

This is exactly why we all need to learn the cognitive part of CBT. When we do that, we know how to treat this question. 

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2 hours ago, Ironborn said:

I keep touching her cuddling her to check if i feel anything while doing so. 

I'd be very surprised if you felt anything loving while doing this. This is a compulsion, and there's nothing loving about compulsions. 

When you perform this action your mind is in 'checking mode' and using a completely different part of the brain to when you touch her cheek out of fondness. When you act out of love you're not monitoring how you feel at the time so a different network is active in the brain. This 'love circuitry' is actively suppressed when you are in self-monitoring mode (doing a compulsion.) 

Problem is, the more you do these 'check what I'm feeling' compulsions, the more you suppress the love circuitry. Eventually you'll convince yourself you don't love her based on the fact that doing compulsions isn't loving. 

Very, very sad. 

All I can suggest is you stop doing compulsions. Stop looking for evidence you love your wife and just trust that you do. As your OCD thinking ( and behaviour) reverts to normal the natural love and affection you probably still feel will have the opportunity to resurface. But if you don't stop looking for proof you'll kill the very thing you're looking for. 

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16 hours ago, seb79 said:

Deep down you know if it's the ocd at work?

I think i do. But im so confused. Before the ocd i would not question this. But now i do. And i feel like the ocs might be trying to point me towards the truth.???? And thus making it not a obsessive thing but the truth.. If you know what i mean? 

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2 hours ago, Ironborn said:

I think i do. But im so confused. Before the ocd i would not question this. But now i do. And i feel like the ocs might be trying to point me towards the truth.???? And thus making it not a obsessive thing but the truth.. If you know what i mean? 

Everything you are saying is indicative of the doubt created by OCD. 

Time to realise it IS OCD at work and when the intrusions and doubts come, just think "Oh there's that silly obsession again"  and refocus away. 

When you get good at this, the obsessions WILL lose frequency and power. 

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On 10/05/2018 at 16:36, Ironborn said:

. And then i switch thinking of my wife and it sort of feels blank.

I have the exact same thing. It's because in your mind you know that this is the time you "SHOULD" (in OCD world) feel everything, love compassion, security etc...  The pressure and anxiety the doubt in your mind causes makes you unable to comprehend your true feelings...

 

I have this so much it's unbelievable and months exact pain your feeling. Im glad it's not just me.

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I had ROCD with my ex and I was exactly the same as you are it is horrible and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy but. Your saying why don't you have these feelings you had when you were divorcing well... like you have said your happy your content so why would you feel that overwhelming feeling? You don't have to get butterflies etc all of the time you have been together a while on and are settled. Just live for the now and don't keep thinking what if because we could all do that... maybe CBT could help you 

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On 11/05/2018 at 21:34, snowbear said:

I'd be very surprised if you felt anything loving while doing this. This is a compulsion, and there's nothing loving about compulsions. 

When you perform this action your mind is in 'checking mode' and using a completely different part of the brain to when you touch her cheek out of fondness. When you act out of love you're not monitoring how you feel at the time so a different network is active in the brain. This 'love circuitry' is actively suppressed when you are in self-monitoring mode (doing a compulsion.) 

Problem is, the more you do these 'check what I'm feeling' compulsions, the more you suppress the love circuitry. Eventually you'll convince yourself you don't love her based on the fact that doing compulsions isn't loving. 

Very, very sad. 

All I can suggest is you stop doing compulsions. Stop looking for evidence you love your wife and just trust that you do. As your OCD thinking ( and behaviour) reverts to normal the natural love and affection you probably still feel will have the opportunity to resurface. But if you don't stop looking for proof you'll kill the very thing you're looking 

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Iron its your ocd. Testing is pointless and something I am and need to work on. Polars describes the futility very well. I would offer that ' the experimenter affect ' is well documented and could be applied in some way. Even if compulsions relax you and give the desired effect its still getting our focus on the obsession so it's a lose lose really despite any short term 'anxiety relief. Appreciate you're no doubt well versed on all this so overall my post is to just provide a reminder its ocd. Could be how you feel about lawn mowers or pizza if your obsession was so inclined.

 

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On 11/05/2018 at 19:04, Ironborn said:

I know its probably ocd. But my mind keeps telling me what if it is not? 

What if i really dont love her? 

I know i felt love for her in te past, and i just really wanna feel it right now again.

I suffer with this theme about my partner and my experiences are identical to yours.
Unfortunately, OCD attacks that which we hold most dear, so take that fact as a comfort.

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I keep touching her cuddling her to check if i feel anything while doing so. 

I'm sure you are aware that this is a classic checking compulsion. I've done similar things where I kiss my partner and find I'm checking how I feel about it when I kiss him, whether I feel attracted to him etc. The only way to counter this is to stop doing it. It is difficult but it can be done.

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