"Relationship OCD" preventing me from getting married

[Lynz]

Hi friends,

I've posted about this a few times before, but lately it has gotten much worse and I find myself completely stuck with it and unable to move forward.

Basically, for a while now my OCD has centred on my relationship (I put "relationship OCD" in quotation marks to emphasise that I don't have relationship OCD as such, rather OCD has taken the form of worrying about my relationship).

I'm in a happy and healthy relationship with my partner and have been for 10 years, and we've lived together for about 9 years. Since 2011 we have been engaged, which wasn't really a traditional engagement but rather a conversation about marriage that I initiated. However, everytime I tried to plan the wedding I became plagued with doubts about whether he was right for me, whether I truly loved him, worrying that it might all go wrong etc. to the point where it makes me so miserable that I keep on putting it off. This has happened periodically for the past 7 years or so, and I am no further forward since we first got engaged in terms of planning anything.

I understand that it is normal to get some doubts when wedding planning, so I think what has been happening is that I have these doubts, then my OCD latches onto them and blows them all out of proportion until I eventually decide to put off the planning because the whole thing makes me so miserable. I'm also aware that I perform a few compulsions too, such as reassurance seeking from my partner, friends, family etc. that I am doing the right thing, asking them if they think I truly love him, as well as ruminating on the situation constantly. I can't seem to make any decision to do with the wedding without analysing and overanalysing it to make sure it is the "right" one, such as making sure I'm choosing the "right" dress/date/venue/partner (!) etc. I also can't seem to accept the uncertainty that it might all go wrong in the future and we end up getting divorced. Due to the anxiety and worry this provokes I then find myself analysing other aspects of our relationship such as worrying why we don't have sex as often as I'd like, worrying that I don't actually fancy him anymore (which then dampens my libido and creates a vicious circle), focusing on his "flaws" which are trivial, unimportant things, and this makes me doubt further that he is not right for me and that we shouldn't get married. When I eventually call off the planning I feel relieved and happy, and all of the doubts and worries about my relationship tend to disappear. Things are then going great so I think "yes I definitely want to get married as this is such a great relationship and I really love him", so I start planning things and then without a doubt a short while later the anxiety and worries have resurfaced.

I have tried many CBT-based methods to try and overcome this such as stopping compulsions, carrying on with the planning regardless etc. I think what is holding me back is that part of it involves exposing myself to these planning tasks anyway even though it provokes anxiety, but doing so makes me really depressed as wedding planning is supposed to be an exciting, happy time and not cause you this much anxiety and misery. I've also had well-meaning but ultimately unhelpful advice from family in the past before they knew it was an OCD issue, such as "well if you're having these doubts then they obviously mean something" and "if you're marrying the right person then you just know" etc. The wedding industry doesn't do me any favours either with this constant promotion of having the right feelings about everything, such as choosing a dress that is "the one", encouraging you to look your absolute best ("shredding for the wedding" etc.), promoting the "right" venue, and talking about your wedding day being "the best and most important day of your life". These kinds of messages are really unhelpful as they feed into my OCD so easily and I'm unsure of how to navigate wedding planning in this kind of world as those messages are absolutely everywhere.

Any help and advice on this would be greatly appreciated, as like I said I'm just finding it impossible to move forward and it has gone on for so long now. Thank you 

[gingerbreadgirl]

23 minutes ago, Lynz said:

Hi friends,

I've posted about this a few times before, but lately it has gotten much worse and I find myself completely stuck with it and unable to move forward.

Basically, for a while now my OCD has centred on my relationship (I put "relationship OCD" in quotation marks to emphasise that I don't have relationship OCD as such, rather OCD has taken the form of worrying about my relationship).

I'm in a happy and healthy relationship with my partner and have been for 10 years, and we've lived together for about 9 years. Since 2011 we have been engaged, which wasn't really a traditional engagement but rather a conversation about marriage that I initiated. However, everytime I tried to plan the wedding I became plagued with doubts about whether he was right for me, whether I truly loved him, worrying that it might all go wrong etc. to the point where it makes me so miserable that I keep on putting it off. This has happened periodically for the past 7 years or so, and I am no further forward since we first got engaged in terms of planning anything.

I understand that it is normal to get some doubts when wedding planning, so I think what has been happening is that I have these doubts, then my OCD latches onto them and blows them all out of proportion until I eventually decide to put off the planning because the whole thing makes me so miserable. I'm also aware that I perform a few compulsions too, such as reassurance seeking from my partner, friends, family etc. that I am doing the right thing, asking them if they think I truly love him, as well as ruminating on the situation constantly. I can't seem to make any decision to do with the wedding without analysing and overanalysing it to make sure it is the "right" one, such as making sure I'm choosing the "right" dress/date/venue/partner (!) etc. I also can't seem to accept the uncertainty that it might all go wrong in the future and we end up getting divorced. Due to the anxiety and worry this provokes I then find myself analysing other aspects of our relationship such as worrying why we don't have sex as often as I'd like, worrying that I don't actually fancy him anymore (which then dampens my libido and creates a vicious circle), focusing on his "flaws" which are trivial, unimportant things, and this makes me doubt further that he is not right for me and that we shouldn't get married. When I eventually call off the planning I feel relieved and happy, and all of the doubts and worries about my relationship tend to disappear. Things are then going great so I think "yes I definitely want to get married as this is such a great relationship and I really love him", so I start planning things and then without a doubt a short while later the anxiety and worries have resurfaced.

I have tried many CBT-based methods to try and overcome this such as stopping compulsions, carrying on with the planning regardless etc. I think what is holding me back is that part of it involves exposing myself to these planning tasks anyway even though it provokes anxiety, but doing so makes me really depressed as wedding planning is supposed to be an exciting, happy time and not cause you this much anxiety and misery. I've also had well-meaning but ultimately unhelpful advice from family in the past before they knew it was an OCD issue, such as "well if you're having these doubts then they obviously mean something" and "if you're marrying the right person then you just know" etc. The wedding industry doesn't do me any favours either with this constant promotion of having the right feelings about everything, such as choosing a dress that is "the one", encouraging you to look your absolute best ("shredding for the wedding" etc.), promoting the "right" venue, and talking about your wedding day being "the best and most important day of your life". These kinds of messages are really unhelpful as they feed into my OCD so easily and I'm unsure of how to navigate wedding planning in this kind of world as those messages are absolutely everywhere.

Any help and advice on this would be greatly appreciated, as like I said I'm just finding it impossible to move forward and it has gone on for so long now. Thank you 

Hi Lynz

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling so much with this.  OCD is just rubbish, it knows just how to target the things which are most important to us.

Firstly regarding wedding planning and "perfection". I agree that the whole culture around weddings has led to them being incredibly stressful affairs.  I got married last year and I was a nervous wreck for the entire time we were planning it (a year plus) - I was dreading it and didn't enjoy any of the planning, I was just so nervous about the whole thing.  Then when the day came lots of things went wrong - not least I tried on my dress the night before (yeah I like to pracrastinate! ) and found it was too big! But I had to wear it anyway!  Lots of things went wrong.  BUT... despite all the fear and all the many many imperfections, the day was absolutely amazing.  And on absolutely no level had I expected it to be.  I saw it as something I had to get out of the way in order to get those legal/formal ties to make certain practical things easier.  I didn't see it as something I *wanted* to do otherwise.   But it turned out to be an amazing day - I just wish I could go back and do it again knowing that! So my long and rambling point is - there is no requirement for things to go perfectly, or to enjoy the planning, or have the perfect dress, or for it to be the best time of your life, or anything else.  I think if you just see the planning as a slightly boring task you have to get through, and not expect it to be fun etc, it might take the pressure off a bit (and paradoxically you might then enjoy it more!)  I think also, for me, seeing the day as a practical obligation, rather than a fairytale or the best day of my life or whatever, took off loads of pressure and allowed me to enjoy it with absolutely no expectations.  Honestly I think wedding planning is hard work and boring! But maybe that's just me

Secondly, regarding your feelings about your partner.  You obviously know this is an OCD problem, rather than a real problem.  And like all OCD problems, you want certainty that it isn't an OCD problem - which you can't get. I won't go into reassuring you about how all relationships have these little niggles and problems etc. as you know the drill with this.  I think my advice would be to just leave this unanswered, leave it unsolved, just let it be there and allow yourself to be unsure about it.  So you're not sure about your feelings for your partner... I bet if you really dig at your feelings about just about anything, you'll end up not quite sure about them.  Feelings are notoriously difficult to pin down.  I remember when I was a teenager I used to worry I didn't feel enough empathy for people, so I would read sad news stories and "monitor" my emotions... and guess what, I didn't feel much empathy under those conditions! If you poke at emotions too much, like butterflies they are liable to fly away.  If you analyse your feelings too much then you'll find they're just smoke and mirrors anyway.  All feelings and emotions of any kind are a bit of a leap of faith, for anyone.  I think in your case you need to just let the uncertainty be there and not engage with it, not wish it away. 

I really hope you are able to get past this and enjoy getting married (or not if you'd rather not - but don't let that be an OCD decision!) xx

[PolarBear]

One thing i noticed is that you say you've tried stopping compulsions but just before that you list a bunch of compulsions that you do. That's a problem. Compulsions are keeping you stuck.

You're also stuck on perfwction. No wedding is perfwct. They all have screwups. That's life. And that will be your life with your partner.

[Gemma7]

All good advice so far

I really see how this is difficult for you because you have to start planning in order to begin dealing with it. But i wonder if there are ways you could start tackling your problem without planning. For instance, you could mentally expose yourself to thoughts you know you will get now. Start getting used to dismissing them. 

You could also go into wedding dress shops and browse the dresses being ready for the doubts and deal with them better. Maybe get prices for venues or food etc. All this can be done without actually planning and as part of therapy. 

On a practical point, you could try to plan for less time, and take a cynical wedding person with you when you go places who can help bat off the 'perfect' ideas of the day. I'll offer a cynical helping hand on the forum

I hope you manage to tackle this problem, you both deserve to be happy

[gingerbreadgirl]

25 minutes ago, Gemma7 said:

On a practical point, you could try to plan for less time, and take a cynical wedding person with you when you go places who can help bat off the 'perfect' ideas of the day. I'll offer a cynical helping hand on the forum

yeah I agree with this.  I think people can go massively overboard with how much planning they do which puts a boat load of pressure on for the day to be "perfect".  We took a lazy approach and let the venue decide most things.  We had no bridesmaids, no favours, no flowers, absolutely nothing.  If you plan all the details you won't notice them anyway.  I think making it a breezy affair just takes so much pressure off.  It really doesn't have to be the best day of your life.  It's just a party, a piece of paper.  What matters is your relationship with your partner - which you already have, and have done for 10 years.  A wedding doesn't change any of that.  It's just a day. 

[Lynz]

Thank you all for your wonderful advice. I haven't had time to reply individually to everyone's points yet, but I just wanted to say that I agree with pretty much everything that has been said.

I've come up with a bit of an action plan.

1) Start planning as normal, don't put anything off or avoid doing anything because of any OCD doubts.

2) so I don't get overwhelmed with everything I'm going to plan it bit by bit and not focus on anything else. For now I'm going to focus on looking at a venue, the prices, and think about when I might want to get married and not think about anything else. This way I'm hopefully going to work my way up to being able to plan the rest of it without feeling much anxiety, so in a way I will be performing exposure exercises throughout my planning process.

3) Stop all compulsions related to this and don't pay any attention to any doubts whenever they occur (this will be the hardest thing to do but it has to be done!).

4) Spend some time working on the cognitive side of things. I'm unsure at the moment what core beliefs could be driving this obsession, and what fears are behind it all, so I need to dig deep to uncover what's driving it all. Off the top of my head, I think it possibly relates to a (perceived) loss of being in control, incorrect beliefs I have about the nature of love and marriage, and worrying about what others will think (either about the wedding itself, or what they will think if it all goes wrong in the future).

That's all given me a lot to work on anyway.

[Lynz]

On 11/05/2018 at 12:59, Gemma7 said:

All good advice so far

I really see how this is difficult for you because you have to start planning in order to begin dealing with it. But i wonder if there are ways you could start tackling your problem without planning. For instance, you could mentally expose yourself to thoughts you know you will get now. Start getting used to dismissing them. 

You could also go into wedding dress shops and browse the dresses being ready for the doubts and deal with them better. Maybe get prices for venues or food etc. All this can be done without actually planning and as part of therapy. 

On a practical point, you could try to plan for less time, and take a cynical wedding person with you when you go places who can help bat off the 'perfect' ideas of the day. I'll offer a cynical helping hand on the forum

I hope you manage to tackle this problem, you both deserve to be happy

This is really great advice Gemma and it's something I hadn't thought of before. As soon as I read that though I thought "Oh no I can't do that cos what if I do all of that and I realise that I don't want to get married and/or I don't actually love him!" which probably means that I really should be doing it.

[Lynz]

On 11/05/2018 at 02:03, PolarBear said:

You're also stuck on perfwction. No wedding is perfwct. They all have screwups. That's life. And that will be your life with your partner.

The thing is, I'm happy and contended with my life with my partner and have had many difficult times and screw ups but we've got through them over the past 10 years. Like I said we've lived together for about 9 years now and I know rationally that when we are married life will be exactly the same as before, but I've got these faulty ideas in my head that things "have to be perfect" or that I just have to "know" that everything will work out alright before we get married. Obviously I know these things are impossible to achieve so I think these beliefs are fuelling a lot of what is keeping me stuck.

[Lynz]

On 11/05/2018 at 13:29, gingerbreadgirl said:

yeah I agree with this.  I think people can go massively overboard with how much planning they do which puts a boat load of pressure on for the day to be "perfect".  We took a lazy approach and let the venue decide most things.  We had no bridesmaids, no favours, no flowers, absolutely nothing.  If you plan all the details you won't notice them anyway.  I think making it a breezy affair just takes so much pressure off.  It really doesn't have to be the best day of your life.  It's just a party, a piece of paper.  What matters is your relationship with your partner - which you already have, and have done for 10 years.  A wedding doesn't change any of that.  It's just a day. 

That sounds great GBG and like you I want to get married for what it represents, that it makes my relationship more secure and grounded. Even though I think all of this though, because of the way the wedding industry is, as I don't buy into all that "the best day of your life, marrying your one" and spending a fortune etc. it makes me doubt that maybe I don't really love him because I'm not like other "loved up" brides. I know thinking like that is silly but these are just examples of the faulty beliefs that are going round my head.

[gingerbreadgirl]

This sounds like a great plan Lynz.  I would just be ever so slightly wary of this:

33 minutes ago, Lynz said:

 I need to dig deep to uncover what's driving it all.

I think it is a very important part of CBT to uncover the faulty core beliefs driving obsessions.  However my experience is that sometimes it is easy to topple into analysis/rumination when trying to pin down the reasons for anxiety.  Sometimes you may not be exactly sure what the driver is, and you may need to leave this question unanswered to an extent.  For me it is important to be OK with occasionally leaving things fuzzy and un-pin-downable (something I struggle to do) and just learning to not engage.  This may not be your experience at all but just thought I would mention.

[Lynz]

21 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

This sounds like a great plan Lynz.  I would just be ever so slightly wary of this:

I think it is a very important part of CBT to uncover the faulty core beliefs driving obsessions.  However my experience is that sometimes it is easy to topple into analysis/rumination when trying to pin down the reasons for anxiety.  Sometimes you may not be exactly sure what the driver is, and you may need to leave this question unanswered to an extent.  For me it is important to be OK with occasionally leaving things fuzzy and un-pin-downable (something I struggle to do) and just learning to not engage.  This may not be your experience at all but just thought I would mention.

Thanks GBG yeah I agree with you. I think in some of my replies after that post I was able to uncover a few faulty beliefs that may be driving it. It shocks me at how silly some of them are, really!