Stressful period - thoughts about abuse came up.

[Isthisreality]

Sooooo i am having a stressful period, my mobile died yesterday and i have other stuff to do, like exams. So i have had a lurking feeling in the background. I read a forum yesterday, where people with ASPD (psychopaths) talks and there was this one guy who talked about how they had abused someone when he was sleeping. 

I have never had this thought before but we have an actual event, i was on camp once, when i was 14. The whole class actually, and we sleept at the camp, nothing happened, beside i know that the other room of boys didn't sleep much. Nothing happened so far i can tell, but who knows? You can never know for sure. 

SO NOW do i have this thought what if something happened while i slept? What if, i mean what if... I will never know right? I see potential in this growing, and i have all this stress in my life. I have already found some twists to the story, there was a guy in the class who probably had ADHD and he later ended up in jail and drugs ( i think, rumours). He was kind to me the first year then did he changed somewhat. And so on. How much abuse can you get before you wake up? It is already multiplying and so quick, it is scary. 

Never had this thought before about this event, but now do i have. I guess i was triggered yesterday by the forumpost.

I mean, why am i even posting this? Well i know why. Because i have never ruminated about this event before and i actually sat and thought about my other events yesterday and i even feelt "meeeh, who cares". So i guess this came up because it wants something else to latch onto, something more powerful. And the post yesterday on the forum was the trigger? The OCD have by the way made me not trusting other people, i see potential (icky potention - potential of abuse) in every situation where you lose power. That is why i don't drink alcohol, and i can see how people with false memory OCD get triggered by being drunk. But i was not drunk i was sleeping, and you can be sleeping pretty hard and not wake up. I should have stayed up that night. Had thoughts about being abused while being in surgery, an infant, being drunk (kinda, never passed out while being drunk) and also while sleeping.

People with OCD never obsess about them being the victims, it is always them being the abuser, that is my experience from reading on forums for many years, but i am obsessing about the other way around. I guess that means something. OCD latch on to what you fear the most. 

Edited May 12, 2018 by Isthisreality

[Isthisreality]

48 minutes ago, Isthisreality said:

Sooooo i am having a stressful period, my mobile died yesterday and i have other stuff to do, like exams. So i have had a lurking feeling in the background. I read a forum yesterday, where people with ASPD (psychopaths) talks and there was this one guy who talked about how they had abused someone when he was sleeping. 

I have never had this thought before but we have an actual event, i was on camp once, when i was 14. The whole class actually, and we sleept at the camp, nothing happened, beside i know that the other room of boys didn't sleep much. Nothing happened so far i can tell, but who knows? You can never know for sure. 

SO NOW do i have this thought what if something happened while i slept? What if, i mean what if... I will never know right? I see potential in this growing, and i have all this stress in my life. I have already found some twists to the story, there was a guy in the class who probably had ADHD and he later ended up in jail and drugs ( i think, rumours). He was kind to me the first year then did he changed somewhat. And so on. How much abuse can you get before you wake up? It is already multiplying and so quick, it is scary. 

Never had this thought before about this event, but now do i have. I guess i was triggered yesterday by the forumpost.

I mean, why am i even posting this? Well i know why. Because i have never ruminated about this event before and i actually sat and thought about my other events yesterday and i even feelt "meeeh, who cares". So i guess this came up because it wants something else to latch onto, something more powerful. And the post yesterday on the forum was the trigger? The OCD have by the way made me not trusting other people, i see potential (icky potention - potential of abuse) in every situation where you lose power. That is why i don't drink alcohol, and i can see how people with false memory OCD get triggered by being drunk. But i was not drunk i was sleeping, and you can be sleeping pretty hard and not wake up. I should have stayed up that night. Had thoughts about being abused while being in surgery, an infant, being drunk (kinda, never passed out while being drunk) and also while sleeping.

People with OCD never obsess about them being the victims, it is always them being the abuser, that is my experience from reading on forums for many years, but i am obsessing about the other way around. I guess that means something. OCD latch on to what you fear the most. 

I don't know but could the fact that i feel this way (other way around) be triggering for people who fear for them being the abuser? It just hit me, i will not dwell on it, because of the nature of OCD. But i want to acknowledge that i see this connection, and maybe that is why i have been called out before. 

Edited May 12, 2018 by Isthisreality

[Isthisreality]

And i mean i shouldn't have wrote "had ADHD" what i meant was that he was outgoing, if you understand what i mean. Ooh god. I will go outside and train. But that was pretty judgemental so sorry for that sentence. 

Edited May 12, 2018 by Isthisreality

[PolarBear]

You're ruminating. Pure and simple. Get your mind off the subject. Leave it alone.

And yes, sufferers can and do have intrusive thoughts of harm coming to themselves. Perfectly normal.