Guilt - I am scum

[fightoffyourdemons]

I’m struggling at the moment with feelings of guilt - something I have always battled with. 

I have a long term girlfriend of 2 years who I love very much. I haven’t ever cheated or have had any urges to, or any inappropriate incidents or flirting with anyone else. In fact, I often remove myself from interaction with attractive females so avoid worry (something which I know isn’t wise either as it is just deflecting the worry).

However, something I do, which I haven’t given much thought too before now, is check out attractive people’s pictures on social media from time to time - sometimes people I know. 

I never ‘like’ them, comment on them, do anything inappropriate or anything like that. I do ‘check them out’ though. Although obviously not a good thing, I had always just dismissed it as a harmless, normal thing - no different to looking at an attractive person on the street and commenting to friends.

However, lately it has been filling me with enormous guilt and making me feel like a pervert, that I’ve cheated and that I’ve invalidated my relationship.

I also have borderline personality disorder and a sporadic high sex drive and masturbation drive, but I never masturbate over the pictures obviously.

I am overwhelmed with guilt and feel as though I either have to tell my girlfriend, or leave her - as she has always said she would never stay with someone if they cheated on her. I am scum and I am disgusting. But yet, I still do it from time to time. Is that because I know deep down it’s not an issue, or is it because I’m sick and evil?

Edited May 13, 2018 by fightoffyourdemons

[gingerbreadgirl]

Wow fightoffyourdemons I think you are giving yourself a hell of a hard time over this.  At risk of giving you reassurance, what you are doing is completely normal, your girlfriend will no doubt do something similar as will 99% of the population! Being in a relationship doesn't make you go blind or stop you noticing other people or even checking them out.  What matters is what you do - you don't cheat on her.  That's what matters.  End of.  Where your eye wanders, or where your mind wanders, is a totally trivial matter and one your girlfriend doesn't need to know about - just as I'm sure you'd probably rather not hear about where her eye wanders, either.  It is completely normal for this kind of thing to happen in relationships. 

Leave this alone, stop picking at it, do something else to take your mind off it - ruminating will never ever bring you any relief so there is absolutely no point doing it.

 

Edited May 13, 2018 by gingerbreadgirl

[gingerbreadgirl]

Also this:

13 minutes ago, fightoffyourdemons said:

 I had always just dismissed it as a harmless

followed by this:

13 minutes ago, fightoffyourdemons said:

lately it has been filling me with enormous guilt

just screams OCD.  You were able to dismiss it as harmless before - because you didn't give it this enormously significant meaning you are now giving it.  Now you are focused on it, suddenly it seems important.  The answer is to stop giving it your focus, starve it of attention, and eventually it will fade away.

Edited May 13, 2018 by gingerbreadgirl

[Avo]

2 hours ago, fightoffyourdemons said:

I have a long term girlfriend of 2 years who I love very much. I haven’t ever cheated or have had any urges to, or any inappropriate incidents or flirting with anyone else. In fact, I often remove myself from interaction with attractive females so avoid worry (something which I know isn’t wise either as it is just deflecting the worry).

I have a habit of doing this - I too suffer with guilt when finding others attractive and I actively avoid getting too chatty or even flirty with someone I like. I am married and have been with my wife almost 17 years,(married for 9 of those) however I have to accept that I am human and am doing nothing wrong by being attracted to others.

 I have also done what you mention about seeing pictures of attractive people on social media etc and feeling guilty as a result, I have avoided it partly cos of guilt which I know is a compulsion and makes me hyper aware of the issue.

As with me its OCD highlighting an issue that others would not think twice about.

Just wanted to say your not alone with this theme of OCD but give yourself a break and leave the ruminating alone - it will only make it worse. 

 

[bruces]

Yup I feel like scum too 

[taurean]

6 hours ago, Avo said:

As with me its OCD highlighting an issue that others would not think twice about.

Absolutely - wouldn't give this time of day, let alone dwell on it. 

OCD is targeting your true core values of love and steadfastness and suggesting the opposite is really true But it lies. 

As for the checking out attractive faces - it's a compulsive ritual a test to try and prove you aren't like that. 

And the exaggerated feeling of cheating over factually virtually nothing unusual - classic OCD. 

Good luck with therapy 

[Caramoole]

9 hours ago, fightoffyourdemons said:

I am scum and I am disgusting

This is something else you need to stop asap....making/thinking derogatory, self-loathing remarks about yourself.  It is actually a compulsion and that won't help you.

As GBG has explained, your behaviour is normal, your reaction and subsequent distress isn't, that's OCD and you have to try and identify the things you do to try and neutralise the distress.  Those are the compulsions.

[fightoffyourdemons]

Thank you all so much. x