So much guilt

[don't know]

I had a good productive day yesterday. I felt good and back to myself. I engaged in a sexual fantasy (could definitely see the difference between that and an intrusive thought). My brain decided that was pathetic and was screaming that I was weird because it was with someone I didn't know. I had no problem with that though - completely innocent. But since then I've been feeling guilty and awful. This has never bothered me before. This led to spending hours and hours on the internet googling every possible reason for this. I have researched on both OCD forums and just normal websites. It's been consuming today, I can't focus on my studies whatsoever and I have an important test tomorrow. It's just bugging me and making me feel like an awful person. 

In general, I've just been feeling back to the first six months when I had OCD. I haven't eaten today and I've just stayed in bed. I've just been thinking and on the internet. It hasn't helped at all, I feel worse for it. I wished I had never listened to my brain and went on about my day. Ahhhhhhh!

I don't know what to do. I just feel so anxious and I need to know if I'm a horrible person

[PolarBear]

Stop trying to answer the question. You don't have to answer it. You're allowed to leave it alone.

As you've discovered, trying to answer the question doesn't work and makes you feel worse. Compulsions never work.

[don't know]

It feels so ridiculous and I can't stop thinking about it. 

[Isthisreality]

That is how it works when you have OCD, now the big question is what you are going to do about it. The only thing which is certain if you keep  doing all the compulsions is that you will keep getting anxiety from thoughts.

[paradoxer]

2 hours ago, don't know said:

It feels so ridiculous and I can't stop thinking about it. 

OCD in a nutshell. Short of spelling out the irony for you ... there's your inspiration. 

[don't know]

I've tried to ignore them, but I feel like I need to look it up and see. I had an hour were I felt fine and could see that it was stupid but now I'm confused again.

[don't know]

Today has been awful I ended up neglecting important work in order to worry about intrusive thoughts. This is awful and I'm tired of all this. It feels as though this just keeps tripping me up all the time. If I get my sex drive back and I feel happy about it - it tells me I'm a freak and should be ashamed of myself. And when my sex drive goes from all the panic - it tells me I will never feel sexual desire again. Its all such a stupid confusing mess. I wish I could go back to when these thoughts weren't happening and I could just be free! 

[PolarBear]

It's all in your compulsions.