Obsessions with certain people

[Atlantis]

A couple of weeks ago I posted up about my 22 year old neighbour who I was having lots of thoughts over. I didn't know (and still don't) whether it's a genuine crush or an obsessive infatuation. I get super jealous if I know she likes another guy, yet I know it could never happen between us due to age difference, imcompatible personalities and the fact that she doesn't look at me that way anyway (despite the constant misreading of any innocent smile or eye contact she makes with me) and to be honest I'd make a much better mate than a boyfriend anyway. 

I love being in her company, I love how I feel when we hang out and I go to the bar where she works across the road from where we live just to chill out and talk whilst she works and it's been fine. The other night she asked me if I wanted to have a BBQ and it was really nice, we spoke a lot and we spoke about my past OCD themes. The urge to confess things with this girl has been huge but I have resisted, probably for the first time ever in my life. The way I see it is, I confess, it becomes habit and before long I am pushing her away just to satisfy the selfish compulsion for reassurance. Well not her. I refuse this time. 

However, what bugs me lately is my behaviour, like I'll sit on my step just waiting to see her to talk, or if I know there's a guy talking to her I find it excruciatingly difficult to not ask if there's anything going on between them - but why? I know we'd never work so what does it matter if she's got an interest in someoene, yes I'll be jealous over it and probably upset because I'm way past dating girls of her age. I don't want to be in love with her and I don't want these obsessive traits because I feel guilty for hiding it. I just want my mind back to how it was 3 months ago before we got really close.. 

 

just wondered if anyone else has had this kind of enhanced crush / obsession with a person? 

 

thanks x

[Avo]

Hi Atlantis,

  I think I may be able to relate a bit to what you say as I have experienced similar.

Around 12 months ago I developed a crush on a woman at work. Also there is an age gap - I am 14/15 yrs older than her. I found this person easy to talk to which is quite rare for me as I am normally quite shy around women, however I felt I could open up with her, which I say for me is unusual.

I began to be on hyper alert wondering if / when I would see her at work. I also felt a (self imposed) pressure to start a conversation with her and would try and think of topics to talk to her about. I also wondered if I was being somehow unfaithful to my wife by talking to her. The thing that threw me was because this crush was as much for her personality as looks.

My OCD got hold of it and turned it into a major obsession trying to answer the question do I want to leave my wife over her? Does she like me? What would life be like if I left my wife etc.

This lead to immense guilt asking myself these questions and also immense anguish as deep down I didn't want anything to break my marriage up. I really was suffering an awful lot with this dilemma it lead to an increase in medication and me feeling terrible.  

If I saw her car around town I would become nervous and I once walked past her in a supermarket when I was with my wife and I felt what I can only describe as fear. I kept trying to figure out why I felt like this when a crush is supposed to be a pleasant thing.

The only way I overcame this was to try and stop engaging with the issue and stop trying to answer the questions I was asking myself. I was just embarking on CBT at the time and we looked at how me thinking about this person was getting me nowhere and just caused me grief. 

12 months on I am much better and while I get the odd fleeting bit of liking for this woman I am not trying to figure anything out or go out of my way to strike up conversation with her. 

I do sympathise with your dilemma, I think the only advice I can offer is to stop trying to figure out, easier said that done I know. 

[Atlantis]

Thanks so much for your reply mate, appreciate it. I don't want these thoughts or feelings (if that's what they are) because they are all fruitless, I just wish they would go away but maybe if I am distracting myself instead of engaging the longing to be with her by hanging around I will overcome it, and I hope so because I do not want to lose her friendship, trust or respect.