Cycling in heavy firesmoke.

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

Soooo i have huge anxiety now. I was out cycling, i should ride into town and i see this smoke, i first thought that it is just some farmer burning something but then do i see it more clearly when i cycled more and it was massive. 

5km from me, it is apparently fire on the garbage dump. So i go to the local newspaper online and i see the warnings, close windows and doors. I was cycling in the smoke for maybe 5 minutes!! I have massive anxiety now... WOOOOOOW 

 

What should i do, i am so close to taking a benzo. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

There is nothing you can do about having done this - it's in the past.  So the best thing you can do now is accept it and do your best not to ruminate as best you can.  

You will probably do far more dangerous things than this everyday, but your OCD has latched onto this.  Your body will deal with this no problem. 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

I am "isthisreality" btw. I was logged into this site on one computer and i lost it when i restarted yesterday. I will try to write this so clearly i can even if i have 9/10 anxiety right now. 

I have huuuuuuuge anxiety now, this is one of the things i see as huuuge and a real thing (it is a real thing) the firefighters advice everyone to go inside and close the doors, i was cycling, i am always obsessing if i smell or seesmoke, and i saw smoke but i didn't smell anything so i thought it was a farmer who had started a smaller fire. I keept on cycling. I did but then did i see the cloud and i smelled it more, so i i went online to see what it could be. I was smelling for 5 minutes, when i had read the news and cycled back did i have anxiety and i tried to not breath but i had to. I went home as fast as i could, the uptake in your lungs are bigger when you are exercising. And the firefighters advice you to go inside, i WAS CYLIGN IN IT.

 

NOW i don't know what to do, i am going to email some people and then do i need to map out the distance, and looking at the weatherraports to see in which direction the wind is, i am pretty certain i was in the way of smoke. Yep. All those things are compulsions right? 
I am so scared. 

 

The news are saying "residual waste". 

Asbestos, toxins and so on and so on.

Edited May 16, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

5km if you draw a straight line. The wind was comming from SW which seems to be right, i am living like 6 km from the fire but i don't smell anythign here and i was not when i was back into my village so i am 100% certain i smelled it because i was in the "line of smoke" i cycled into it. 

 

Normally i would google what residual waste means, will there be asbestos in residual waste, how much asbestos are there normally in smoke. I would calculate how many tons or kg there could be and then do calculations about how much there could be where i was. Those calculations are so arbitrary because i have no idea, but i try to find "worst case scenario". 

If you are sawing in asbestos for 15minutes, you will release 140 millions asbestosfibers, let's say you take up 10% of it into your lungs, so 14 millions. And i was into it 5 minutes so 4.5 millions. That is massive! And that is from sawing in one piece of asbestos. I am not an expert and i am pretty certain those calculations are useless, so i am trying to find cases who are like this. I have been obsessing about World trade center and the realease of asbestos from that event, the firefighters but badly hurted by the event, but they were really really close. The official story is that the people on Manhattan got exposed to a small amount. And i am trying to draw conclusions from that event. 

The motive is so i can get certain about how damaged i am. I was going to see my doctor in a week because i had low TSH so i was supposed to go back after 6 months, it is 6 months now. What if something is showing in the results? And if not, he can't see how this have damaged my lungs.. Going to the emergency makes no sense, because they won't do anything. So i am pretty much stuck with the warning to the public that: "the smoke is not healthy". 

 

Edited: I refuse to take a benzo to handle this, i just refuse to. It is avoidance of the anxiety. So i won't do that! But the anxiety is real. That is for sure.

Thanks for the fast reply! I mean i can see that my reaction could be somewhat out of proportions but then after all it is a real event, and this is pretty much how my OCD started in childhood, obsessing about dangers in the world. All i can see in my head is how my body is destroyed. I saw 1 person who was out walking (which could be classified as close) and she turned around when i came, and she looked frightened. I just keept on cyling even after i saw the smoke. I first thought it was a farmer who had started a fire because they do that sometimes, but like i said i soon realized, so i went online and then i know. I don't know why i didn't read the news as fast as i saw the smoke but well... 

 

By the way. 5 minutes is not realistic. the distance is like 1km back and forth. i am easily cycling 20km/h so that is 20000meters in an hour. 1km will be done after 3 minutes. So i was in the smoke like 1-3 minutes. 

Edited May 16, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[Binxy]

I'm afraid you're doing all the wrong things. You're acting on your compulsions. You're feeding the OCD beast. There is no certainty- it's unattainable. Time to get off the roller coaster. Take GBGs advice.

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

We need to accept the uncertainty i know. But this is probably my most hardwired obsession, about dangers in the world. My healthanxiety (call it health-OCD) or not is probably the one i have had the longest. It don't seems to be only hypochondria because i am also doing compulsions like the ones i mention above, calculations and such. 

 

WELL WELL. I am very thankful for your replies and i know i am a failure when i go into this mode, i am asking people for reassurance and it feels like it goes from 0 to 100 in seconds. I will not take benzo this time, and i will do my absolute best to let this pass as quickly as possible. Because there is nothing i can do at this point.

 

I also feel like a failure because i am bringing it up for my relatives when it happens. I know i can control it but it is so very hard not to tell everyone around you. And i have done it again, such a failure.. 

The panic is subsiding i guess but yea this was ugly. I still see it as real but yea it is pretty ugly when i get into this state.

Edited May 16, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[taurean]

As a Child my friend and I rashly spent an hour extinguishing an embankment fire caused by sparks from a steam train passing. 

We would have inhaled the smoke, but we did that regularly at garden bonfires. 

I am a senior citizen now and I never suffered anything harmful as a result. 

Your OCD is screaming threat, risk at you and you are awfulising like mad. 

Just put it down to an unpleasant experience and get on with your life. 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

I don't want to make a new thread because of this but i feel like it is somewhat related. So yesterday did i smell a smell in my room of chemicals. So it turned out today that a container of paint have leaked out in the garden. Let's say 7dl. 

It says on the container acrylic paint so i guess not so much toulen and other really nasty thinners. 

[PolarBear]

What do you want us to say? Aren't you looking for reassurance?

[Binxy]

Time to practice what you preach my friend. You're ruminating a lot- this has got to stop.

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

4 hours ago, Binxy said:

Time to practice what you preach my friend. You're ruminating a lot- this has got to stop.

Thanks! I have to do it. I woke up again today with a panicattack, my arms and legs feels funny and i feel dizzy in a strange way and i always thinks that i am going to die. I didn't asked for reassurance. I know what they are and i try to fix my breathing when i have them. I am not fully able to not worry about if i will die because if it is my heart. 

Funny thing is that my anxiety is not that high, i am not even close to that state of constant panic. And i even went to bed feeling relaxed, but i wake up 2-3 hours afterwards and i have those attacks. But i manage to kill them in 30-60 minutes.

 

I need to stop ruminate about my past and the sexual obsessions!

Edited May 24, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain