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I can't get close to anyone


Guest Paul92

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Guest Paul92

Hi everyone,

Really struggling at the moment with many things.

The thing that's getting to me the most is the fact I don't feel that I can get close to anyone as they don't know my past.

I know the past is the past, but the things I did were pretty shameful. I've spoken before how it haunts me every single day. 

That was then. Now I feel more like I did before I got that particular obsession. I did the things I did to try and just accept who I was. It then seemed to spiral for a while until I realised exactly what I was doing. 

It was handful of times over a period of a few months. I can't really explain it any more than how I already have above. 

Now, I'd never dream of doing that again. Just perplexed as to why I let myself do what I did.

I still feel incredible shame. Nobody will ever appreciate how sorry I am. And nobody will ever probably believe me.

It might sound strange but what is so frustrating is that I have so much love to give but I feel I can't get close to anyone as it wouldn't be fair on them. 

If (by some miracle) I could manage to date someone, I couldn't rest without letting them know about my past. Obviously, no woman on earth would accept it.

Every day it's hard. Friends etc. I just don't feel like I can get close to anyone... I just think if only the knew.

Is this even OCD?

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It is entirely OCD. You are fixated on past events. You get upset over it and feel guilty. In response you go over it in your head again and again. Obsessions, distress, compulsions. It's that simple.

You do not have to tell anyone what happened. You think you do but that is disordered thinking. You are under no obligation to do so.

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Guest Paul92

It's not something I feel I can talk about openly on a forum...

PolarBear - you have an idea of what I have done. 

But is it fair on others to keep it from them? To let someone get close to me without them knowing who I really am? How can I keep that from someone when, if they knew, it's likely  they wouldn't want anything to do with me. And I would completely understand.

I'm reading a book at the moment on man's search for meaning. And I just don't see what meaning my life has or how it can have any. 

Imagine a serious criminal who has left prison... what is his life then? The vast majority of people don't care for this person... what does he have left, realistically? Whilst I am not officially a criminal, my own conscience is powerful enough. 

I see things about mental health awareness in the UK... and how men should take their mental health seriously. I am severely depressed, I know I am. But if people knew what I had done, then they would say I deserve to be, so I'm stuck with nothing to enjoy or live for.

Yes it does consume a lot of my day and even when I sleep I have terrible dreams. I honestly can't easily explain why I did what I did... but it was a period of extreme mental stress and it was born out of an attempt to just try and accept who I was so perhaps I could live more freely. It spiralled a little until I just realised what I was actually doing. Ever since I've felt incredible shame.

What am I supposed to do? I can't just not think about it... it's the biggest thing in my life really...

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Being stuck in the past is hard.

Everybody does things they are ashamed ofbut can move on ocd keeps us distorted and stuck.

Over my relationship I have fantasised about my sister in law on a few occasions and didn't think anything of it,then boom it hit me .I have felt nothing but guilt since,although people say move on ocd keeps me stuck.

You sound like a good man to me and I'm sure others see it.if you went you wouldn't care

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I have a feeling that if you tell us we will not be as horrified as you think.  We all think our own mistakes are horrendous.  But by keeping it a secret you are reinforcing the idea that your flavour of OCD is much worse - which keeps you stuck.

I don't know what you've done but I have a feeling that if I did I would say, you don't deserve to torture yourself, nobody deserves that.  If you didn't have OCD you wouldn't be pinned to the wall like this.  Whatever it is, if you didn't have OCd I'm fairly sure you would have made peace with it and moved on by now.

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I've done things in the past that I think are horrendous and unforgivable, the more I think about them the worse I feel.. BUT, no-one at all has been harmed by my actions, no-one but me that is. Added to which, these things be they a deliberate movement with the intention of harm or a silly act out of frustration, have ALL been in an OCD moment. There's always been some ongoing OCD stress or nagging thoughts leading up to the deeds.. 

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Guest Paul92

Thank you all for your replies, I really am grateful. This board has been a source of real comfort and support for me for a long time and I can't thank you enough for taking the time to write back to me. 

battlethrough - when I was around 18/19 (7/8 years ago), I had the same sort of fantasies in my first ever proper relationship with a girl. And then my head 'changed' and I had to confess it all to my girlfriend at the time. I can't imagine it was nice to hear... is this definitely characteristic of OCD? I remember being in a shopping centre near where I live and having to confess to my girlfriend if I thought another girl that I had walked by was attractive. I just couldn't keep it from her. So I know what you mean with that and you aren't the only one. It got the point where I was confessing a lot. 

gingerbreadgirl - I'm afraid it really is quite serious. I'm properly ashamed. PolarBear knows what I did. All I can say is I had a particular sort of theme that was driving me insane so I just wanted to try and accept who I was - I thought I can't help who I am. Anyway, I did things as a way of managing my feeling that were innocent, but it spiralled over a few months. At that point in my life I didn't really care what happened to me any more, I was fed up, and at times thought it would be better to be found out. The shameful part is that I did feel as though I got genuine satisfaction from what I was doing... until then I realised exactly what I was doing. Now, looking back, I am genuinely horrified. I don't know how I could allow myself down that road.

I can accept, to an extent, what I did. I will live with it, somehow. Really, most people would say I deserve to suffer, and I would agree. I would give anything to go back and change it, but obviously that isn't an option. I am harder on myself about than anyone else could ever be. But I just feel so terrible keeping it from people. 

Atlantis - I could argue that nobody has been harmed by my actions. Indeed, that is why I did what I did, because I didn't see how I was harming anyone. But then I realised of course my actions were indirectly harmful. More than harmful, I'd say potentially life-destroying. How can I live with this on my conscience?

I wouldn't want to harm anyone, ever. In my job, before all this happened, I took on further unpaid responsibilities to keep vulnerable people safe. I still do that now. It just feels crazy that for a few months, I guess I was one of those dangerous people, too. It was just a very very dark time... I guess I have no real explanation. All I know is that I am profoundly ashamed and sorry. I'm absolutely not the same person today, I don't have any of those feelings or desires (this was perhaps around 2 years ago). 

It always hits me most when I meet someone I really really like. I've got to know a girl over the last few months... she's from eastern Europe and has had a pretty difficult life. I think the world of her already and, if I could I'd give her the world, I would. Don't get me wrong, I'm not particularly looking for a relationship (she's waaaay out of my league and I think she sees me as a good friend) .I always go out of my way to help her and her family and spending time with her is great (especially after being really let down about a previous girl). But I just always think "if she knew, she wouldn't want anything to do with me". 

My question is, is it fair on her really, say if she wanted to be more than friends, to keep it to myself and pretend it never happened? I don't see how it is...

Many apologies for the essay...

 

 

Edited by Paul92
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You say most people would say you deserve to be depressed. You can't know what people would think so it's just an opinion you formed based on your own feelings, not reality.

You ask if it is fair to withhold this from people. I'll tell you what's not fair: you punishing yourself every day for carrying out a compulsion that was spawned by a serious mental disorder.

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Guest Paul92
On 21/05/2018 at 00:25, PolarBear said:

You say most people would say you deserve to be depressed. You can't know what people would think so it's just an opinion you formed based on your own feelings, not reality.

You ask if it is fair to withhold this from people. I'll tell you what's not fair: you punishing yourself every day for carrying out a compulsion that was spawned by a serious mental disorder.

 

I'm not sure these were compulsions. I would honestly say they weren't. It started as a way of me trying to just live and 'manage' who I thought I was. I was so so sick of battling my own mind. And it escalated. Then those feelings went away and I understood the severity of what I was doing. 

I just feel so horrible about many lesser things I have done in my past too. 

I don't know how I can get close to someone... I feel as though they would need to know everything. If they did, who would want me...

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1 hour ago, Paul92 said:

I don't know how I can get close to someone... I feel as though they would need to know everything. If they did, who would want me...

Ex-prison convicts can and do get married and have blissful married lives. This is often done with the partners fully aware of their past.

So why should bliss and intimacy be denied to you?

Edited by St Mike
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I totally agree, even murderers can and do forgive themselves and move on and have happy lives.  I was reading an article recently about a man who had a prolific criminal past and he said something like "I have made a lot of mistakes but I forgive myself because I learned from them.  I'm happy with who I am today." And he'd gone on to do loads of good things. 

You can't change what's happened, whatever it may be, but you can and should make a happy life for yourself - I genuinely believe everybody deserves that.

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5 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

You can't change what's happened, whatever it may be, but you can and should make a happy life for yourself - I genuinely believe everybody deserves that.

Well stated, GBG. :goodpost:

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Guest Paul92

Thank you for your replies. 

I am happier with who I am today. This was all a couple of years ago. It was such a strange time for me. I can’t believe I did what I did. But I think about it every single day... it’s so hard carrying the guilt around.

The hardest part is that I can’t change what I did. And it will be with me forever. We get one life and I messed mine up.

i know I’m severely depressed. I’m not sleeping... but I honestly don’t see my purpose any more. I messed up big time. I’m only 25, so I have a lifetime of nothing in front me of... 

It always intensifies when I start to become friendly with someone. I find someone who I can be myself around. If there’s a girl, I’ll spend time with her and all this disappears. I feel like the old me and the person I really am. As soon as I get home and alone, I just think “try explaining all that... you would HAVE to tell her”. 

I swear I try and live the most honest, compassionate and loving life that I can. I get attached to people and I’ll seriously go to any length to make someone feel loved and happy. That’s all I want in life, really, to be with someone I can love. It sounds stupid, but that’s what I miss.

Im just so ashamed of myself. And I can’t even offer an explanation because I genuinely don’t have that same mindset or those same feelings as I did. I simply cannot explain how I let myself do what I did. 

 

 

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Stop trying to explain it.

The reason this bothers you so much is that you endlessly go over it in your head. Of course it's going to bother you and drag you down if you are thinking about it a lot. The reverse is also true.

None of us are obligated to tell anyone everything. You really need to get that through your head.

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Guest Paul92

I’m sorry, I’m trying to accept it, it’s just not a nice thing to accept. 

Keeping that from someone I cared about, I would feel so dishonest. I’d be confessing again, I know I would.

Given the magnitude of it all, they have a right to know surely? Would you feel compelled to tell someone, PolarBear?

I guess this is my real punishment. I shouldn’t have done what I did! It’s that simple. 

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Can you not just put it down to an experience caused by a mental illness that was not in any way shape or form a true reflection of yourself? And then move on? 

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Guest Paul92
2 hours ago, Atlantis said:

Can you not just put it down to an experience caused by a mental illness that was not in any way shape or form a true reflection of yourself? And then move on? 

The problem is I don't know if it was born out of mental illness. Certainly, at first I saw it as a way of trying to accept who I was because I was that fed up. And then it just escalated... then the feelings went. 

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19 hours ago, Paul92 said:

The hardest part is that I can’t change what I did. And it will be with me forever. We get one life and I messed mine up.

I honestly don’t see my purpose any more. I messed up big time. I’m only 25, so I have a lifetime of nothing in front me of...

There's a lot of flawed thinking going on here! The flaw lies in the interpretation you're putting on things, what you've concluded they mean.

No, you can't change what you did. None of us can rewind the clock and erase our choices. If the choice was a mistake then we learn from it and live the future more experienced than before. It's called learning. No biggie. Not the huge, insurmountable pile of guilt-worthiness you're making it out to be.

And don't come back at me with 'But you don't know what I did, it was unforgivable, awful...blah blah..' 

It doesn't matter what you did. I'm not interested. What you did in the past isn't the issue, it's how you're thinking about it in the present that's the problem. 

You say you've no purpose any more. Ok, so explain to me what you think 'purpose' means? :confused1:

You talk as if we're born into the world having already achieved our full potential with nothing worthwhile still to learn and no more to grow! 

What if the purpose of life IS to mess up; catastrophically and repeatedly, day after day for every day that you live, BUT learning from each mess-up, gaining experience, growing as a person, growing as a soul, becoming who you're meant to be? 

I'm more than twice your age, so have had the opportunity to mess up far more and to a far greater degree than you have. (And believe me I've never missed an opportunity to mess up :dry: )  But my way of thinking about our purpose in life is very different to yours. I feel I'm only part of the way through my journey, still so much to learn, still some growing to do as a person. :) So I'm excited about the future and getting (even!) older. I'm expecting to mess up a million more times. I look back on my depression and other trials - and on the awful, awful things I did - and I nod and say, 'Ok, lessons learned, all good experience, can't even truly regret the bad stuff when seen in that light. :ermm:  So, what's next?' :)  I'm still becoming who I'm meant to be. We all are.

Life is about becoming. Life is about discovering your purpose, day by day, little by little. Through the mistakes you make and the things you achieve.

It's not about having something purposeful to look back on while you sit around the rest of your life twiddling your thumbs. :dry:  

I wasn't born thinking this way. I haven't thought this way my whole life. When I was depressed I went through a whole decade and more thinking as you think. Like you, I was crippled by guilt and for a long time couldn't see how the future could ever be better. Thankfully I was shown a different way to think and with practise it's now become my norm. 

You too can learn to think differently. You can learn to change the meaning you give things. Doing this will reduce the weight of guilt until it becomes a load you can comfortably carry, until the shame of 'being a failure' turns into a quest to become the someone you want to grow to be.

It starts by challenging the sort of conclusions you draw from the way you currently think. Is the purpose of life really to look back and not forward? Could the 'mess' you made of the past be viewed as simply part of a lifelong learning curve? Could the bad stuff - the mistakes we truly regret- actually be good things in disguise because they teach us valuable lessons (provided we're willing to learn and grow, and not retreat into the safety of guilt or wallow in self pity.)

On 20/05/2018 at 09:47, Paul92 said:

But is it fair on others to keep it from them? To let someone get close to me without them knowing who I really am? How can I keep that from someone when, if they knew, it's likely  they wouldn't want anything to do with me. And I would completely understand.

If you're growing into the person you want to be then you're freed from decisions like whether to confess or whether you ought to keep things from someone. 

Rather than being guilty secrets, the mistakes you made can be seen as stepping stones towards becoming a wiser person. You may want to share them, or you may feel that would be bragging!

You may come to view confessing as selfish rather than as the good and just action you currently think it to be. Telling a partner your worst deeds is usually done in hope of forgiveness, understanding and redemption and saying 'it's the right thing to do' is often a cover story people use to hide the true motive even from themselves. 

Everything in life, even the purpose of our lives, depends on how you think about it; what meaning you give things, what conclusions you draw. All of it is open to interpretation, review - and change. 

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We all make mistakes, Paul. Especially when we are young. I'm only a year older than you, and I've made mistakes I utterly regret too – I have no doubt I'll make more. I doubt there is anybody who hasn't done something they regret. The trouble is, OCD can blow these things out of proportion. I am still learning about OCD (mine has taken my past as a theme, too, from time to time), but the advice I keep seeing is that you have to stop ruminating and stop seeking reassurance.

Edited by Publius
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16 hours ago, snowbear said:

There's a lot of flawed thinking going on here! The flaw lies in the interpretation you're putting on things, what you've concluded they mean.

No, you can't change what you did. None of us can rewind the clock and erase our choices. If the choice was a mistake then we learn from it and live the future more experienced than before. It's called learning. No biggie. Not the huge, insurmountable pile of guilt-worthiness you're making it out to be.

And don't come back at me with 'But you don't know what I did, it was unforgivable, awful...blah blah..' 

It doesn't matter what you did. I'm not interested. What you did in the past isn't the issue, it's how you're thinking about it in the present that's the problem. 

You say you've no purpose any more. Ok, so explain to me what you think 'purpose' means? :confused1:

You talk as if we're born into the world having already achieved our full potential with nothing worthwhile still to learn and no more to grow! 

What if the purpose of life IS to mess up; catastrophically and repeatedly, day after day for every day that you live, BUT learning from each mess-up, gaining experience, growing as a person, growing as a soul, becoming who you're meant to be? 

I'm more than twice your age, so have had the opportunity to mess up far more and to a far greater degree than you have. (And believe me I've never missed an opportunity to mess up :dry: )  But my way of thinking about our purpose in life is very different to yours. I feel I'm only part of the way through my journey, still so much to learn, still some growing to do as a person. :) So I'm excited about the future and getting (even!) older. I'm expecting to mess up a million more times. I look back on my depression and other trials - and on the awful, awful things I did - and I nod and say, 'Ok, lessons learned, all good experience, can't even truly regret the bad stuff when seen in that light. :ermm:  So, what's next?' :)  I'm still becoming who I'm meant to be. We all are.

Life is about becoming. Life is about discovering your purpose, day by day, little by little. Through the mistakes you make and the things you achieve.

It's not about having something purposeful to look back on while you sit around the rest of your life twiddling your thumbs. :dry:  

I wasn't born thinking this way. I haven't thought this way my whole life. When I was depressed I went through a whole decade and more thinking as you think. Like you, I was crippled by guilt and for a long time couldn't see how the future could ever be better. Thankfully I was shown a different way to think and with practise it's now become my norm. 

You too can learn to think differently. You can learn to change the meaning you give things. Doing this will reduce the weight of guilt until it becomes a load you can comfortably carry, until the shame of 'being a failure' turns into a quest to become the someone you want to grow to be.

It starts by challenging the sort of conclusions you draw from the way you currently think. Is the purpose of life really to look back and not forward? Could the 'mess' you made of the past be viewed as simply part of a lifelong learning curve? Could the bad stuff - the mistakes we truly regret- actually be good things in disguise because they teach us valuable lessons (provided we're willing to learn and grow, and not retreat into the safety of guilt or wallow in self pity.)

If you're growing into the person you want to be then you're freed from decisions like whether to confess or whether you ought to keep things from someone. 

Rather than being guilty secrets, the mistakes you made can be seen as stepping stones towards becoming a wiser person. You may want to share them, or you may feel that would be bragging!

You may come to view confessing as selfish rather than as the good and just action you currently think it to be. Telling a partner your worst deeds is usually done in hope of forgiveness, understanding and redemption and saying 'it's the right thing to do' is often a cover story people use to hide the true motive even from themselves. 

Everything in life, even the purpose of our lives, depends on how you think about it; what meaning you give things, what conclusions you draw. All of it is open to interpretation, review - and change. 

:goodpost:there is so much incredible insight in this post.  Paul - please please read it with an open mind and really try to take in what Snowbear is saying.

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You have been stuck on this theme/issue for quite some time now and have been the recipient of kind and wise advice of many forum members. You need to realise that you have some very skewed pre-conceived notions, ideas and a very rigid mindset of how the world would perceive what you have done (whatever that maybe) and how the world treat anyone who has done wrong or committed a crime. At the same time, you are unable to let go and forgive yourself, thus continue to experience guilt and subsequently feel the urge to confess (when performed, is a compulsion). Continuing to lament and bemoan the matter holds you hostage to the past which in turn prevents you from moving on and forward into the future.

All the guilt tripping, lamenting, bemoaning, the urge to confess is counterproductive and only prolongs your depression and OCD. You need help. That help can come in the combination of medical/psychological intervention, support from spiritual leaders and/or family members, friends and self-help books.

To move forward and experience one of the most wonderful things in life - Falling in Love, you cannot keep the current state of affairs and mode of thinking.

Something has got to change.

As Ashley mentioned in an earlier post, are you willing to change?

https://www.ocdforums.org/index.php?/topic/82069-who-wants-to-change/

 

 

 

 

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Guest Paul92

Thank you all for your replies. I've said before, I really do appreciate it. 

Snowbear - thank you for your long and thoughtful post. I understand the points you are making there. By purpose, I mean I just don't see what use I can be or what I can actually do with my life now. It sounds incredibly dramatic, I know. But that's just how I feel. I feel like I am living for the sake of living. Put it this way, those people who get 'caught' doing what I did, their opportunities would be dramatically reduced... their lives would be all be over. And I know it is about adapting to your circumstances... but sometimes, I don't feel as though I even deserve that. Yes, I can - if I try - find comfort in some things, but again, I feel like I don't deserve that enjoyment. 

I just feel as though my mistakes weren't really trivial. Have I learnt from them? Absolutely. It has opened my eyes to a world of real awfulness that exists out there and just how evil some people can be. Only, for a short while, I engaged in that awfulness. Which is why I feel like I do, as I consider myself just as evil as those people. It wasn't something I did once. I did it a few times over a period of a few months. I sort of stumbled into it by mistake, I might add, but then it escalated. I have no purpose to lie about anything I have done, and I always want to be as open as possible but I have to be careful what I say. I'm struggling to see how I can just chalk what I did down as a 'mistake' that I can brush aside. 

So yes, I could say that what I did has now made me a better person. It absolutely has. But does that excuse my actions, really? Does that give me the right to just forget it?

It is difficult for me to explain what I mean by my need to tell a potential partner about my past. For the people I really care about, I would hate to waste their lives. Consider if they found out at a later date and questioned why I never told them. We get one shot at life. I know I should stay clear of these people, but it breaks my heart. They think I am this person when really I'm not. The heart breaking part is that - without trying to blow my own trumpet - I would give someone I care about the world, if I could. My only motive would be to be completely open and honest about everything from day one. I never want to keep secrets. And I would expect that they could come to me with anything, too. I guess I just want real acceptance. 

I really see what you're saying. And I know I am going around in circles here... I'm a better person today than I was two years ago. All that is definitely in the past. Today I am reasonably happy with the person I am. I just feel as though my past is a big part of me that overrides everything else and should be what people have to consider before getting to know me.

People always say I think too much in black and white... I blame a lot of my upbringing for that. I know my dad has OCD, but he doesn't recognise he has an issue. I have never been professionally diagnosed. 

I know I need to change how I think about it all. I can't go on like this for the rest of my life. I need to find my own peace. 

I'm sorry I can't really think what else to say at the moment and I sense this post is long enough already. It's been a long day. 

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4 hours ago, Paul92 said:

Put it this way, those people who get 'caught' doing what I did, their opportunities would be dramatically reduced... their lives would be all be over. And I know it is about adapting to your circumstances... but sometimes, I don't feel as though I even deserve that. Yes, I can - if I try - find comfort in some things, but again, I feel like I don't deserve that enjoyment. 

Deserve? :confused1:   First off, what has 'deserve' got to do with it? Are you some kind of universal power sitting in judgement, expecting the world to work according to your definition of deserving? :;

Second, if you insist upon applying judgemental thinking to this :dry:  who made you judge and jury for deciding what you deserve? Can you imagine any court of law where The Accused gets to judge if they're guilty or not and then decides their own sentencing? :wontlisten:

Third, the idea that 'life is over' for someone caught doing something illegal results from the same flawed thinking I referred to earlier. You've made that interpretation based on emotion, not on knowledge. How do you know whether the lesson learned isn't the making of them, 'the reason they were born', the start of something wonderful that could never have happened without the insight gained from doing evil things for a short phase out of a long and fruitful life? 

Choosing to be judgemental in your approach limits your options to good/bad, right/wrong. It's the black and white thinking you're aware you're prone to. A lot of people like that approach because it's simple. Fundamentally flawed, but simple. Saves you doing any conscious work of the kind you have to do when you approach the world from an open-minded stance. Fair enough, it's your choice how you think, but don't moan about the fact you've only got 2 options on those occasions neither of them are what you want or the judgement isn't in your favour! Just change your approach. :) 

As for 'can find comfort in some things' - sheesh! Don't get me started on how self-pitying that sounds. :rolleyes:  Life is on your doorstep, Paul. It's abundant and joyful, with opportunities galore waiting for you to scoop them up in your arms and run with them. Don't make the future out to be some meager helping of prison porridge you're condemned to chew on for eternity.

4 hours ago, Paul92 said:

I just feel as though my mistakes weren't really trivial. I'm struggling to see how I can just chalk what I did down as a 'mistake' that I can brush aside. 

Where did I say mistakes had to be trivial to qualify? :confused1:  Or that you get the luxury of brushing them aside?  Sheesh! (again) :rolleyes:  :) 

We don't get to brush aside our mistakes - we own them. We must hold both the mistake and ourselves up to scrutiny and learn from it. And then we set it in a back-pack and carry it for the rest of our lives. But IN THE BAG - out of direct vision, only there if you need to retrieve it for future motivation or getting back on course. Whether it weighs you down or acts like a secret jet booster on your back is your choice to make. Choose wisely!

The magnitude of any mistake can only be seen with hindsight and with a view of the bigger picture - which usually comes many, many years down the line. Don't pre-judge. 

Quote

Have I learnt from them? Absolutely. It has opened my eyes to a world of real awfulness that exists out there and just how evil some people can be. Only, for a short while, I engaged in that awfulness. Which is why I feel like I do, as I consider myself just as evil as those people. 

Have you learned from your mistakes? If this kind of judgemental conclusion  (the bits in italics)  is what you learned, then you've learned absolutely nothing. :no: 

Nothing yet, that is. There's still time. :)  You'll know when you've started to own your mistakes because in scrutinising yourself you find insight and a willingness to proceed instead of all that blind fear and crippling guilt. That's when your eyes have truly begun to open. 

4 hours ago, Paul92 said:

It is difficult for me to explain what I mean by my need to tell a potential partner about my past. For the people I really care about, I would hate to waste their lives. Consider if they found out at a later date and questioned why I never told them. 

Don't worry, we get it. We've all been there, confusing self-interest with righteousness. I've put the flawed interpretation in italics again, but I'll leave you to think about why it's flawed for yourself this time. 

4 hours ago, Paul92 said:

I know I am going around in circles here... I'm a better person today than I was two years ago. All that is definitely in the past. Today I am reasonably happy with the person I am. I just feel as though my past is a big part of me that overrides everything else and should be what people have to consider before getting to know me.

Survival expert Ray Mears has a wonderful piece of advice for people lost in the desert without a compass, but it applies to us all in many aspects of life.  'When you find yourself going round in circles, STOP and review where you're going.' 

I'm glad you're reasonably happy with who you are today. That's an excellent place to start. :) 

Think of the past, present and future as three circles. Each person gets to choose what sizes their 3 circles are and how much overlap they have (if any,) Like one of those Venn diagrams you drew in maths at school. Only this one is made out of elastic bands so the circles are flexible and can be enlarged or contracted with ease. The comparative sizes are your choice to make every day of your life. As with open-minded thinking, it takes a bit of mental effort to review your circles and check you've got the balance right. Sadly some people just make one big circle out of their past and shove the present and future inside it; trapped - going in circles. :( 

While we're taking about Venn diagrams, here's one I rather like. :)  Everything changes when you change how you think about things.

 

Past, present and future.jpg

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