ROCD causing me serious grief

[Spud2018]

Hi everyone,

I think I’m currently suffering what I hope is ROCD. I’ve been on 150mg of sertraline for 4 weeks and it’s making me feel quite numb, but worst of all I keep feeling like I don’t love my boyfriend anymore. We’ve been together a year and a half and I feel terrified that I don’t like him and that I’m falling out of love. I’ve been doing quite well I’m not doing compulsions but I cracked and  read a lot of articles about “falling out of love” the signs and so on and I realised some people do feel anxious when they realise they no longer like they’re partner. I’m just so scared and lost, I feel like when we’re together I analyse how I feel when we kiss and so on. Then I’ll get this horrid feeling almost as if I’m like really unnattarcted to him all over my body:( and sometimes I tell myself im being silly and cry and other times I feel nothing or almost like I’m forcing myself to like him and would be happier without him:((( 

I also have awful moments where when we’re together I’m like oh I’m so bored of him he’s so dull and I then feel horrible. I’m scared this is not OCD and is just me and that if I stay I will be unhappy. I genuinely feel sick and my head is telling me i don’t like him and that I’m grossed out and even writing this I have that awful feeling of I don’t like him. 

I’ve tried to remember what the start of the relationship was like and how I felt about him and I’m now questioning, well what if I never liked him in the first place and this was all just out of loneliness and that I’m lying to myself 

And because my theme changes several times a day since taking sertraline I honestly feel like it’s me creating this and that mybe I don’t have OCD I’m just in denial about everything and the relationship is the cause of everything 

 

It’s worth noting we’re both at university and live together in a student house because we decided to live together before we got into a relationship because we were such good friends. So I do see him all day every day. 

Please can someone just give me some advice or insight please I’m really suffering. 

[Wonderer]

Hey, you say ur not doing compulsions but u are reading articles about falling out of love, compulsion! U say u are worried u would be happier without him followed by a sad face, what’s that tell u? This smacks of OCD, people don’t try and figure out wether they’re falling out of love or not, they just know, if that thought is making u miserable and causing u a lot of distress it’s pretty much an intrusive thought. Stop reading articles and stop questioning how u feel when kissing etc, that’s whats keeping u stuck, the thoughts will probably start up involuntarily and when that happens just remind yourself that u can ignore those and dismiss them, it takes practice but they will eventually lessen with time.xx

[Atlantis]

I had this with my ex and my best mate said to me that I should imagine how I would feel sat alone in a pub staring at a half empty pint wishing I still had her.. he was right, we did split up and only after did I realise all what I was feeling was fake due to ROCD.

[Spud2018]

Hi @Wonderer and @Atlantis , thank you very much for responding it's really helped. 

Yeah I'm trying to cut the compulsions as much as possible, I need my laptop for uni work but over the summer, it's going away!!!  

My themes keep switching constantly and the worst thing is I constantly have this feeling that I'm forgetting to solve something in my head, and then I get thoughts and have to solve them, and then around it goes again I feel like I've constantly got something to solve and can't focus on other things. Its almost like I can hold the thoughts off for a couple of minutes until I let them back in, solve them and then it all happens again hahahha worst thing ever. 

[Coffeecake]

Hi Spud, I'm in a similar relationship focused Ocd spiral at the moment and have just had a light bulb moment of what the trigger has been - the Royal wedding! All the talk of how Harry and Meghan are so perfectly in love etc etc has really got under my skin and set off the self destruction spiral. So, no advice or reassurance for you, you know what to do, (as do I!!) just know that you're not alone and perhaps go easy on yourself at the moment while fairytale princes and princesses dominate the news. Xx

[Spud2018]

12 hours ago, Coffeecake said:

- the Royal wedding

@Coffeecake OMG YES, I was watching the royal wedding Saturday morning and it made it 1000 times worse I was lke "well what if i'm not as well matched as Harry and Meghan?" so funny...

 Woke up this morning having a lovely cuddle and thoughts flooded my mind once again "what if I hate him" "I'm sure I don't like him" etc etc etc..  So bloody knackering ey. Just got to keep going!!

[Coffeecake]

Draining, and I find a sign that it's ocd is that it is the first thought every morning, automatic negative thought before I'm even awake enough to remember my own name! 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

1 hour ago, Coffeecake said:

Draining, and I find a sign that it's ocd is that it is the first thought every morning, automatic negative thought before I'm even awake enough to remember my own name! 

I can relate to that! You wake up and you get a OCD-thought and it all starts over again. There is nothing special in your situation, it is just how it works. You are one of many people. And many people with it have recovered, while they have been told the same things as your head tells you.

Edited May 21, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[Spud2018]

@OCDhavenobrain and @Coffeecake Thank you both the forum is really encouraging, unfortunately, I talked to a friend and she said "you can't blame everything on your OCD because this might be real" and whilst I agree with that to an extent I feel like people don't understand? It literally made me so anxious. I am at the point at the moment when I don't even get that anxious I just feel down and drained like @Coffeecake said... It's so difficult because anything he says that is ever so slightly annoying my mind tries to exaggerate it as it's a deal breaker. Like he's super fussy about food and he was going on and on about what to eat and I had a thought like "oh for goodness sake" and immediately I got that anxious feeling in my body telling me "oh he's so annoying you hate him, just admit that you hate him to stop denying it" And then I have to rationalize that and be like "no no no I don't actually think that!!!" and proceeded to confess to him that I was having those thoughts. 

Thankfully therapy in coming in a few weeks, just need to survive until then.. xx

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

You actually don't need to just survive  you can start going at it from this very moment.

It is normal to feel drained after anxiety/panicattacks. The body can only create so much anxiety. Well you can feel pretty bad all the time but i mean you can't have one long panicattack your whole life. Or can you? Well i hope you get my point.

Do not analyze what she said and what it means in your situation. Do NOT use it to analyze the situation. She said something and you feelt bad because you feelt threaten that it is not OCD, that it is all real.

 

Goid luck mate!!

 

Edited May 21, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain