Agnostic with scrupulosity and donation urges

[FYD]

I'm in my forties and have had OCD all my adult life. About 9 years ago I decided to fight back and although it has been tough I have made a lot of improvements, especially with the superstitious stuff like planes falling out of the sky etc if I don't do a ritual. I still have problems checking for real dangers though like is the gas off, did I lock the house, and ruminating over driving like did I overtake that cyclist safely and remembering if lights I went through were red.

During this time I have looked into religion (mostly Christianity), read books and attended courses and church services. I'm not a Christian. Mostly agnostic really but with some values based on Christianity due to indoctrination from school years ago. Seems to me half of the bible is full of **** and that religion is largely man made superstition and used to control people. Just that I believe that there is probably more to existence than just this universe and that God a possibility. Also like the idea of an after life.

Problem is reading and watching religious material, and recent deaths of loved ones, has all turned into scrupulosity.

The reason of this post is to do with money and donations, as in if I nearly loose something important, like my wallet, I feel like to thank God for my good fortune I should donate some money.

The thinking goes something like this,

"Forgot to secure my wallet. I nearly lost £50."
"I should donate something to charity like a fiver or something."
"Fiver is nothing compared to the £50 I could have lost."
"If I don't perhaps God (who probably exists, I can't take the risk of being wrong) will punish me or teach me a harsh lesson for being ungrateful."

This has got steadily worse. For example a few months ago I left my zip coat pocket unzipped and temporarily put my wallet in it because my hands were full. When I remembered about my wallet 30 seconds later I'm thinking thank you God, it could have fell out. Then I think about the £150 holiday money in it. Then some arbitrary percentage comes into my head like 10% (probably some OCD derived value). Then I think "God, I really don't want to donate £15!". But if I don't, and I want to pray for help for a sick relative or pet, he will turn his back on me.

One way around this is to become an atheist but I just can't do it. I must be too childish or something.

[PolarBear]

Look it's all superstitious and magical thinking. You are still believing that something bad will happen if you don't do something. It's the same as planes falling out of the sky if you don't do a ritual. Same thing.

[FYD]

Sounds like you're an atheist. Whilst both religion and OCD can seem like superstitious thinking errors there are billions of people on this planet who believe in an interventionist God. I believe the chances of God existing and taking a dim view of me being stingy and ungrateful are quite realistic.

[FYD]

OCD is a chronic condition. Reckon religion is too. Seems I like I will be stuck with this all my life. No win situation. If I lean towards atheism the world seems like a dark place and life ultimately pointless. If I learn towards some sort of religion it aggravates my OCD no end.

[Ashley]

It is chronic but that doesn't mean it cant be treated. There's no reason to think your religion will always be aggravated by OCD, it's just important to perhaps find someone who can help you make sense of both OCD and religion and the overlaps.

[PolarBear]

There's no reason why you can't have your religion and not donate every time you have a few bucks. Do you think all religious people have the same thoughts as you? Of course not. The reason you have them is because you have OCD that centers on superstition and magical thinking.