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How could I become this person.


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A year ago, I was an anxious teen but I didn't have OCD and my life wasn't easy but right now it seems it was much easier than now. I'm desperate because I try to think that if it wasn't for this disorder, I would have finished high school already but now I'll be another year late to everything. Would I ever make it to college? I don't think so, I'm gonna drop dead soon. I can't handle this guilt and angst anymore, it's killing me in the inside, I can't bare with the fact that I've done things like:

-technically masturbate over members of my family including my little sister

-have had sexual thoughts about them including fantasies 

-checked out my little sister multiple times having thoughts about her bottom

-becoming a pedophile and an incest sick ******* 

-becoming a real pervert

You see? It's too much for someone to only be OCD, cause it's something else other than that. Yes I might ruminate, do rituals etc but I think it might be due to my anxiety disorder. 

Concluding this topic: I don't deserve to live. 

Edited by lily17
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Dearest lily, I feel so much for you :( but don’t you think everyone who suffers with OCD fears it’s the truth? If they didn’t it wouldn’t be a disorder? Do you see what I’m saying? 

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2 minutes ago, ashipinharbor said:

If you're so sure, why do you doubt? Why post here if it's not OCD?

Could it be that, maybe, it is?

I posted here because I needed to rant and didn't know where else to do it but right now I'm doubting everything... 

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Just now, lostinme said:

Dearest lily, I feel so much for you :( but don’t you think everyone who suffers with OCD fears it’s the truth? If they didn’t it wouldn’t be a disorder? Do you see what I’m saying? 

Yeah, I do lost. I just think I'm the exception 

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I've tried doing what Ashley suggested about the lists and stuff but I feel so bad about this disorder I can't think clearly and I see myself doing stuff I always regret later like checking out my sister or other stuff I just want to be a normal old sister to her not someone who tends to fantasize about her 

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1 minute ago, ashipinharbor said:

Also, I'm sorry if I sound blunt. I'm just trying to show you the logic about it, since that's how you have to overcome OCD. With rational thinking, and not getting caught up.

Thank you so much ship, you don't sound blunt at all just straight forward and I appreciate that when I'm having trouble 

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Just now, lily17 said:

I've tried doing what Ashley suggested about the lists and stuff but I feel so bad about this disorder I can't think clearly and I see myself doing stuff I always regret later like checking out my sister or other stuff I just want to be a normal old sister to her not someone who tends to fantasize about her 

My fantasies don't make me doubt, or hate, myself. 

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Just now, lily17 said:

Thank you so much ship, you don't sound blunt at all just straight forward and I appreciate that when I'm having trouble 

It's nothing. I've been where you are, so I know how it can twist everything. I just hope I can help.

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17 minutes ago, lily17 said:

A year ago, I was an anxious teen but I didn't have OCD and my life wasn't easy but right now it seems it was much easier than now. I'm desperate because I try to think that if it wasn't for this disorder, I would have finished high school already but now I'll be another year late to everything. Would I ever make it to college? I don't think so, I'm gonna drop dead soon. I can't handle this guilt and angst anymore, it's killing me in the inside, I can't bare with the fact that I've done things like:

-technically masturbate over members of my family including my little sister

-have had sexual thoughts about them including fantasies 

-checked out my little sister multiple times having thoughts about her bottom

-becoming a pedophile and an incest sick ******* 

-becoming a real pervert

You see? It's too much for someone to only be OCD, cause it's something else other than that. Yes I might ruminate, do rituals etc but I think it might be due to my anxiety disorder. 

Concluding this topic: I don't deserve to live. 

Lily your worst fear is to become a pervert or pedophile? 

You get sexual intrusive thoughts towards your family members? 

You then act out compulsions to try to reassure yourself that you are not what you fear? 

Is this correct? 

 

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Just now, lily17 said:

That's so right :yes:

Trying to stem OCD doubt is like trying to stop the waves. Impossible. All you can do is let the thought be there, and carry on. I know how hard that sounds, believe me, but it's what we have to do.

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