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Just now, lostinme said:

Lily your worst fear is to become a pervert or pedophile? 

You get sexual intrusive thoughts towards your family members? 

You then act out compulsions to try to reassure yourself that you are not what you fear? 

Is this correct? 

 

Yes, it is 

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5 minutes ago, lily17 said:

I've tried doing what Ashley suggested about the lists and stuff but I feel so bad about this disorder I can't think clearly and I see myself doing stuff I always regret later like checking out my sister or other stuff I just want to be a normal old sister to her not someone who tends to fantasize about her 

It doesn't change overnight Lily, it takes time and lots and lots of practice to put these things into action and for it to start working, but if you have the believe and desire to make the change then it can happen.  I am just off to bed shortly but I will come back to your list threads tomorrow and see if I can guide you (if you want me to). 

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1 minute ago, ashipinharbor said:

Trying to stem OCD doubt is like trying to stop the waves. Impossible. All you can do is let the thought be there, and carry on. I know how hard that sounds, believe me, but it's what we have to do.

I wish I could just let the thought be there but I have this thing where I feel like I'm fantasizing if I let it be there you know what I mean? Like if I let it be there I must like it therefore... It's all rumination, I know 

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Just now, Ashley said:

It doesn't change overnight Lily, it takes time and lots and lots of practice to put these things into action and for it to start working, but if you have the believe and desire to make the change then it can happen.  I am just off to bed shortly but I will come back to your list threads tomorrow and see if I can guide you (if you want me to). 

Listen to Ashley lily, he can help you turn this around :yes:

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1 minute ago, Ashley said:

It doesn't change overnight Lily, it takes time and lots and lots of practice to put these things into action and for it to start working, but if you have the believe and desire to make the change then it can happen.  I am just off to bed shortly but I will come back to your list threads tomorrow and see if I can guide you (if you want me to). 

Yeah okay! Thank you 

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1 minute ago, lily17 said:

I wish I could just let the thought be there but I have this thing where I feel like I'm fantasizing if I let it be there you know what I mean? Like if I let it be there I must like it therefore... It's all rumination, I know 

Maybe you are, maybe you aren't. Who knows?

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Lily, you have an intrusive thought, it freaks you out, you seek reassurance, you then do a compulsion, you doubt it and you do it again and again looking for the answer you so want but never find. You have to break this cycle :yes:

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31 minutes ago, lily17 said:

I posted here because I needed to rant and didn't know where else to do it but right now I'm doubting everything... 

Exactly Lily. The doubts started, your anxiety went up and you gave in to the compulsion to post your thoughts. 

Listing your own faults is a way of seeking reassurance. 

How many times do we need to explain that posting your thoughts and asking for reassurance won't help you get well? :no: 

What other ways can you think of for dealing with the anxiety and doubt when it hits? Go back to that List #2 that you wrote on your other thread on Friday and fill it out as Caramoole suggested with detailed ideas on HOW you're going to do the things you listed. 

 

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Lily, OCD is a very complex disorder :yes: there is no text book case, everyone’s is unique to themselves. 

Before starting CBT, (this was just one of my issues) filling my kettle was an absolute nightmare. Just going to do a quick breakdown for you. I had that many rituals and compulsions going on it was unreal. I have four doors leading into the kitchen and these had to be shut in a certain way and a certain number of times. Chairs and belts were in front of them or attached also. On my under sink unit was a boggle knotted just right with a towel over it. The front door had to be locked also, before even starting this. Then I would wash my hands and taps a certain number of times counting from 1-5 over and over again until it felt just right. Then I would also count over and over again before even attempting to fill the kettle up. Even after all this I could empty and fill the kettle 20/30 times or more and sometimes failing to do it at all. If through all of this the phone rang or the door went or the dog barked I would have to start all over again. If when I was doing all of these rituals and compulsions and I didn’t do something just right, I had to start all over again right from the very beginning. This is just a basic outline and it was a lot more complex than this, but what I’m trying to say is change is possible :)

I no longer do all of these things and much much more that’s not been mentioned above and this was just one of my issues. I now also have 5 cleaning products stood in my window bottom fulltime. I’m currently working on the last part of my compulsions regarding filling the kettle. So come on lily change is definetly possible believe me :yes:

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Lily.....I'm afraid I'm going to be the big bad wolf here!  I do feel desperately sorry for how you feel, I truly do.......but all the sympathy and empathy and understanding where you're at isn't going to help you move forward right now.  Several months back, and without guidance or information, that was appropriate.........fast forward and that changes a little.  The anxiety stays as scary as it ever  was......but the information and knowledge has changed and you have to take it and use it.  That's a fact.  You are clearly very scared, you are also clearly a bright young woman who is able to process information, now you have to start the journey of applying it, even when it feels scary.  All the sympathy and empathy in the world isn't going to improve your lot.  There will be two schools of thought here, those who think I'm being hard and horrid and those who agree.  You have to start to dig deep and get to work on changing your plan or expect to experience a prolonged period of believing your fears.  You aren't a paedophile, you are a sufferer of OCD.  Okay, I've said it (reassuruance).....it's up to you to decide the course of action you choose with that information.  Continue as you are......or change?  And It is a choice.  You can stick with the path that sees no improvement or follow some of the suggestions (and thus will require dedication, determination etc etc) and see change, even if it's not overnight.

It's time to change the plan Lily......even though I understand your fear and anxiety, it's scary.  You fear you're a paedophiie, that you fancy your Sister, your Mum, your Dog and goodness knows who else.  I was a potential psychopath who was going to murder my Husband, my family, children, my patients......I was a paedophile I was a danger to all.  Err....no!!,  I was a sufferer of OCD who had to get to grips with that and change how I reacted (according to the hew knowledge I had)  Sorry folks, as much as you can empathise with how dire Lily feels, any encouragement should be towards guiding her towards a path to wellness,  not providing sympathy alone.  This is about formulating and working vs plan to challenge these false doubts and fears  We've long since establushed Lily isn't a paedophile but an OCD sufferer......that's where we now need to concentrate.  Moving forward.

 

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18 hours ago, lostinme said:

Lily, OCD is a very complex disorder :yes: there is no text book case, everyone’s is unique to themselves. 

Before starting CBT, (this was just one of my issues) filling my kettle was an absolute nightmare. Just going to do a quick breakdown for you. I had that many rituals and compulsions going on it was unreal. I have four doors leading into the kitchen and these had to be shut in a certain way and a certain number of times. Chairs and belts were in front of them or attached also. On my under sink unit was a boggle knotted just right with a towel over it. The front door had to be locked also, before even starting this. Then I would wash my hands and taps a certain number of times counting from 1-5 over and over again until it felt just right. Then I would also count over and over again before even attempting to fill the kettle up. Even after all this I could empty and fill the kettle 20/30 times or more and sometimes failing to do it at all. If through all of this the phone rang or the door went or the dog barked I would have to start all over again. If when I was doing all of these rituals and compulsions and I didn’t do something just right, I had to start all over again right from the very beginning. This is just a basic outline and it was a lot more complex than this, but what I’m trying to say is change is possible :)

I no longer do all of these things and much much more that’s not been mentioned above and this was just one of my issues. I now also have 5 cleaning products stood in my window bottom fulltime. I’m currently working on the last part of my compulsions regarding filling the kettle. So come on lily change is definetly possible believe me :yes:

Thank you so much for telling me all of this lost, I'm glad you're doing better now I hope I can in a few months 

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16 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Lily.....I'm afraid I'm going to be the big bad wolf here!  I do feel desperately sorry for how you feel, I truly do.......but all the sympathy and empathy and understanding where you're at isn't going to help you move forward right now.  Several months back, and without guidance or information, that was appropriate.........fast forward and that changes a little.  The anxiety stays as scary as it ever  was......but the information and knowledge has changed and you have to take it and use it.  That's a fact.  You are clearly very scared, you are also clearly a bright young woman who is able to process information, now you have to start the journey of applying it, even when it feels scary.  All the sympathy and empathy in the world isn't going to improve your lot.  There will be two schools of thought here, those who think I'm being hard and horrid and those who agree.  You have to start to dig deep and get to work on changing your plan or expect to experience a prolonged period of believing your fears.  You aren't a paedophile, you are a sufferer of OCD.  Okay, I've said it (reassuruance).....it's up to you to decide the course of action you choose with that information.  Continue as you are......or change?  And It is a choice.  You can stick with the path that sees no improvement or follow some of the suggestions (and thus will require dedication, determination etc etc) and see change, even if it's not overnight.

It's time to change the plan Lily......even though I understand your fear and anxiety, it's scary.  You fear you're a paedophiie, that you fancy your Sister, your Mum, your Dog and goodness knows who else.  I was a potential psychopath who was going to murder my Husband, my family, children, my patients......I was a paedophile I was a danger to all.  Err....no!!,  I was a sufferer of OCD who had to get to grips with that and change how I reacted (according to the hew knowledge I had)  Sorry folks, as much as you can empathise with how dire Lily feels, any encouragement should be towards guiding her towards a path to wellness,  not providing sympathy alone.  This is about formulating and working vs plan to challenge these false doubts and fears  We've long since establushed Lily isn't a paedophile but an OCD sufferer......that's where we now need to concentrate.  Moving forward.

 

Thank you so much for being as honest as always Caramoole. I have to turn this around and it's got to be now... 

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1 hour ago, lily17 said:

Thank you so much for telling me all of this lost, I'm glad you're doing better now I hope I can in a few months 

I just want to help you see there is a light at the end of a very dark tunnel lily :yes: I just thought by sharing a minute fraction of what I’ve achieved so far will some how inspire you that you can start to make positive changes yourself too. It’s hard to start, you need to use every ounce of courage, motivation, perseverance and repetition and pick yourself back up every single time. Eventually when you start to see progression and achievements you will want it more. Accept that this a problem and it’s causing so much interference to your life. You are only young with a full life ahead of you, believe in yourself and use every ounce of courage to fight this every step of the way :yes: 

You can do this lily :cheer:

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