Will this ever end ...so confused & scared

[beckyboo]

So Im pretty aware this is yet another reassurence habit by posting in here, i also know that i believed the previous reassurences i got ..that it until i doubted it. 

part of me knows that all im suffering with is OCD intrusive thoughts ..but theres always that awful doubt that maybe its not. 

i suppose it would be easier to share whats going on. so i was diagnosed in 2015 with Intrusive visual thoughts about harming my youngest child, false memory etc and for 10 months i honestly thought i was some sort of depraved psychopath since i didnt know much about OCD except contamination/germs very small minded of me at the time. 

i was out forward for CBT but by the time i reached the top of the wait list all the symptoms had all but vanished, i was particularly busy so just didnt have time to notice thoughts that i knew i wouldnt ever carry out. so i was dropped by the therapist as not needing it. 

fast forward to January 2017, i had intrusive thought of harming myself, particularly not exsisting anymore, i was extremely distressed by them and self refferred for therapy especially since i was pregnant, but the thoughts were very short lived and i put them down to hormones. 

i then had an extremely stressful rest of the year during my pregnancy due to a child with extremely challenging & agressive often violent behaviour so again i was kept very busy. 

september i was away and started feeling ill with a tummy upset and that night i was an anxious wreck as i have a fear of sickness ...that night i dreamt that i was wanting to end things ..which again distressed me especially since my little boy at only a few months old slept at the side of me i felt unbelievable guilt. 

the thoughts stopped again. until february this year, i was low on Vit D and iron while also getting up most mornings at 3/4 am, the harm thoughts about my yongest started up and while they distressed me i knew i would never harm him he is my absolute world so i took about a week of facing those thoughts and riding out the anxiety for them to stop again, however no sooner had the harm thoughts about my baby stopped i got intrusive thoughts about not wanting to live again, which caused massive anxiety & distress, i was having huge compulsions such as hiding objects, throwing any tablets out of the house, avoiding being alone, ringing crises teams and going to hospital twice afraid for my life. at one point i was so overhwelmed i sat crying in an ambulance stating i no longer wanted to be here, i knew i did i was just so exhausted i wasnt eating and barely sleeping while caring for 3 kids too! a duty psyhiatrist stated she was concerned my anxiety would lead me to doing something impulsive...im not an impulsive person & it terrified me because she was confirming that the thoughts were true! she sent me back home where i couldnt cope with the uncertainty & fear so i made myself a voluntary patient for a week, i got rest and time to bring the anxiety down i was placed on mirtazapine as according to doctors it was depression. yet i had compulsions and i certainly didnt welcome the thoughts in the slightest. 

had a few good weeks then the thoughts returned and thats how its been the last 3 months, i have good weeks where the thoughts dont bother me too much and im confident in the knowledge my thoughts are the opposite of what i want, then i get in a cycle of 2 or 3 weeks were i get the thoughts going round most of the day! where i sit ruminizing, i get emotional because i feel nothing but guilt towards my kids, guilt for myself because i do want to exsist i just dont want these **** thoughts, sometimes i wish for the others to return! at one point i was making the doctor check there wasnt another medical problem with me, blamed the mirtazapine ...its now at a point that i sit questioning if the thoughts are ocd or not, try to find other people on forums that have had the same to give me some comfort reassurence or certainty researching and book reading ...each time i think i have a handle on them and understand what i need to do to take the thoughts power away they strike up again and no matter how prepared i feel they still keep me in agony :'( 

im so so scared that these thoughts arnt ocd at all

 

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi Beckyboo,

Welcome to the forum, and I'm so sorry you're experiencing so much distress right now.  OCD is just the worst. 

From what you've put above, it sounds like you've found temporary relief over the years either through a period of enforced distraction or facing the thoughts down.  These are both great tools in the fight against OCD.  However what you seem to be missing is the cognitive side of things.  There is more to this than I can put into a post.  But I'd really recommend getting hold of a book such as "Break Free Fom OCD" or "Pulling the Trigger" - both of which explain the cognitive side of things really well (and the behavioural side, too.)  Distraction and exposure work to a point but not if you still have faulty interpretations going on.

Most importantly though, you need to get some decent therapy from a psychologist who is knowledgeable about OCD.  @Ashley can help with this if you're not sure where to look.  There is help available on the NHS or privately, I guess it depends on your finances, how long you are prepared to wait, etc.

The key thing to hold onto though is that OCD is hard but it is beatable, people recover from it all the time - there are plenty on this forum who are either recovered or well on the way - it's just about getting the right treatment, either from a therapist or a really good self-help book.  There is also a wealth of information on this forum, although a you've rightly poined out, be careful how you use it - whether you are looking for info (great) or reassurance (not so great).

Take care.

GBG x

 

 

 

[beckyboo]

I think in truth probably both, information & reassurence. i do feel i have a level of mis-trust in myself which maybe feeding the thoughts. ive also not been out or kept myself busy so its no wonder ive been ruminizing again. I am due to see a Psychatrist in 2 weeks but all she seems to do is want to increase the tablets i am on, i asked her wether it was OCD i was suffering with or actual ideation (the latter would of obviously distressed me ) however she wouldnt confirm and said it didnt matter because treatmemt was the same lol. 

Im also due to see a care-co ordinator who runs CBT clasess so she will be a great person to support me. other than that all im told is il be placed on a wait list for therapy once im stable :/ its been 3 months now, ive made zero plans or attempted anything...if anything ive ruminated, allowed my daily life to be affected, researched, google searching and reassurence seeking ...the list goes on. 

im a little hesitant to try self help incase i make myself worse. one thing is for certain i need to stop with the reassurence seeking already. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

I am not an expert but it sounds to me like your psychiatrist is approaching this all wrong. 

I would really recommend getting hold of one of the books I mentioned.  For me personally self-help books coupled with this forum absolutely transformed things - I'd had terrible CBT etc. as well. 

2 minutes ago, beckyboo said:

 i need to stop with the reassurence seeking already. 

You are well ahead in that you understand reassurance-seeking, researching, googling etc. make your situation worse.  But it is much easier to say "stop doing those things" than to actually stop it.  If it was easy none of us would be here on this forum!

I really hope things look up for you soon x

[beckyboo]

ive read alot of books & i have a clear insight into what my bad habitual behavior is & what positive habits i need to start reinforcing, i also understand the relationship between the thinking and amygdala & that i must sit with the thoughts and get comfortable with them in order to stop responding to them by way of covert & overt compulsions ....i do believe its the fear & risk of doing something to harm myself thats keepimg me in this awful loop. but il take a look at the books youve mentioned above. 

yes the pyschiatrist was really unhelpful simply saying to some one 'just acknowledge the thought then divert yourself as in a distraction' thats easier said than done. i do want to overcome this and recover fully....if i can recover from these particular thoughts i know il overcome any others because these are by far the worst ive had. 

[snowbear]

1 hour ago, beckyboo said:

the pyschiatrist was really unhelpful simply saying to some one 'just acknowledge the thought then divert yourself as in a distraction'

Hi Beckyboo, 

I agree what the psychiatrist said was unhelpful. Distraction only works to a point and at best gives temporary relief. It doesn't address the underlying problem.

It's pretty clear from the history you outlined above that you suffer bouts of OCD whenever you're physically stressed, exhausted or run down. These seem to be your particular 'triggers' and when you don't have something of sufficient importance to 'distract' you going on at the time, you succumb. 

'Keeping busy' for the rest of your life is obviously not the way to manage this! You have good knowledge and understanding of the behavioural side of therapy, so the way forward is to look at the cognitive side; first the meaning you attach to the distressing thoughts, and then what physical, emotional and behavioural factors keep this fear of harming yourself going so you can learn skills to intervene and break the cycle.

A CBT therapist could talk you through the process, or if the waiting list is long the books GBG mentioned are a worthwhile read for the interim. 

Also, start making yourself and your health more of a priority. It's easy as a parent to think putting the children's needs first and your own needs last on the list is the right thing to do, but if you become ill as a result it isn't such a good strategy. The carer needs to take care of themselves to be in a position to offer care to others. Set aside some time for rest, relaxation, maintaining a good diet, getting some exercise etc. It will pay dividends in the long run.  

[beckyboo]

you are right, with the triggers i was super exhausted when it kicked up again.

my diet isnt very good if im honest i tend to skip meals & eat alot of sugary snacks, the mirtazapine should of increased my appetite but hasnt so i need to work on that, im considering joining up at the gym too. 

thank you for the advise

The book mentioned 'pulling the trigger' is an audio book i cant seen to find a paper back / ebook version. 

someone sent me a write out of the Linden method 9 pillars that i found quite dissapointing if im honest. 

[beckyboo]

Got the ebook version of Breaking free of OCD 

wish me luck 

[snowbear]

I think that's the best book, Beckyboo. Good luck!  

(ps. We don't mention the L***** method round here. To say 'discredited' is only the start of that particular conversation.)  

[beckyboo]

Aaah that bad huh? i wont say no more on it then since my sentiments are probably in line with everyone else

[beckyboo]

So far ..from reading 'breaking free from OCD'

i have completed a viscious flower & determined that my issue is 'rumination' 

heres as follows (posting just so i know im doing this right) 

Assumptions of responsibility : 

Life should be happy, & have purpose & meaning, i should know what i want to do in life 

Trigger : tiredness/figue & being asked what i want to do in life, what my purpose is 

Thought : Visual disturbance of suicide

Responsibility / interpretation/appraisals : 

why am i thinking that, i have 3 children, i dont want to die, but what if i never get better and do what lots of others seem to do each year, its selfish, but its a real thing that happens, its not like my other thoughts that are too far fetched. 

Reassurrence seeking : 

Ringing crises teams, going to hospital 

going to a mental health unit to be safe 

ringing care co ordinator 

speaking to others with a knowledge of mental health for them to reassure me im not going to harm myself 

researching & reading books to find a way to stop the thoughts 

Mental Arguments : 

Do i want to harm myself or dont i, if i didnt then i wouldnt be thinking it , if i didnt then the thought wouldnt be bothering me

is this really OCD or am i really actually at risk of ending things. 

applying signs and symptoms from research or other people who have sadly done it to my situation, considering if they felt this way or not 

doubting myself and doubting the reassurence 

Avoidence : 

avoiding using the word

avoiding any tv programme or social media news connected to it or news about people who have. 

avoiding being alone 

avoiding getting up early with my youngest incase i do something and nobody else is up to keep me distracted or stop me 

not doing usual activities except the basics and ruminizing 

avoiding looking at my tablets for too long incase i get an uncontrollable urge. 

Checking ;

checking to see if the thoughts are still there when occupied or happy 

checking to see if i still feel anxious, worried or scared when i ruminize 

Neutralising : 

saying to myself i dont wanna harm myself 

that i have 3 kids and partner who need me 

taking up hobbies or time consuming activities or trying to feel happy to prove the thoughts wrong 

Hiding Objects : 

throwing out all tablets in the house 

putting away all sharp objects in the draw where i can look at them or be tempted 

hiding any ties, ribbons or dressing gown cords incase i might get an urge 

Selective attention : 

Waiting around for the thoughts to crop up then if im not having any sit wondering if im calm, if im calm that means i want to harm myself because someone said people who do are often calm. 

 

THEORY A / B 

Theory A - 

the problem is that im potentially suicidal 

that its all too overwhelming & i might act impulsive because the psychiatrist said so yet the thought of doing anything makes me sad, anxious & confused. 

Theory B -  

I had a distressing thought, felt high anxiety & distress, researched cases and then tried to fit my symptoms into thiers to compare & feared that the thought meant i was about to harm myself. 
But i rang an ambulance and went to hospital before placing myself in a mental health unit, those are the actions of someone keeping themselves safe, 

avoidence & reassurence seeking means i fear harming myself & have a fear of taking my life

this does not mean i want to or that i will 

Researching other cases of it or thinking about people i know who have sadly done it and considering if they felt this way, comparing situations, signs and symptoms to myself increased my anxiety & distress confirming how common it is that people do it all the time, yet there is still no evidence to support that i want to or that im going to, there is no evidence to support that i wont get any better. 

[beckyboo]

Theory A -

what do i need to do about this: 

avoid being alone

ring the crises team each time my anxiety is high & im scared of having an urge incase it means im going to harm myself. 

Theory B - 

Stop researching or reading about other cases 

stop comparing my thoughts/symptoms to other people who have ended thier lives because thier cases could have lots of different factors, because they did doesnt mean i have to or that it means i want to. 

stop talking about it at every opportunity 

stop avoiding being on my own

start spending time doing things i enjoy instead of opting to sit ruminizing

be more motivated in going out & enjoying activities. 

 

Short goal : 

Start going out more 

join the gym 

eat healthier 

stop researching 

stop talking about my ocd 

start college course 

stop doubting myself 

cooking & crafting more for myself & with the kids

 

Medium Goal :

Start CBT therapy

Raise my confidence 

re-find my zest for life 

take up some new hobbies 

be comfortable with hubby going back to work 

resume driving lessons & pass my test 

Move home to where i have a bigger support network

start doing more with my children

Taking more care of myself 

 

Long Term :

Continue with college / university 

recovery from OCD 

Training to be a positive reinforcement therapist / OCD therapist 

Raise more awareness to break the stereotype / stigma surrounding OCD 

Have a car & taking trips out with my children  

 

Im pretty confident those are easily reachable

 

[gingerbreadgirl]

This is fantastic, BeckyBoo I think you will be in a good position very soon with this plan in place.  You could teach your psychiatrist a thing or two!!

[beckyboo]

Thank you ....

i think a big part of me knows that i wouldnt be reading this book or writimg out the above if i didnt want to recover or believed that i didnt wanna be here ...just have to raise my confidence ..its had a good bashing. 

 

[beckyboo]

On 31/05/2018 at 18:20, gingerbreadgirl said:

This is fantastic, BeckyBoo I think you will be in a good position very soon with this plan in place.  You could teach your psychiatrist a thing or two!!

OMG!! ive just had what people say is a light bulb moment!! 

In my original post ...i mentioned id had a bad dream whilst feeling quite poorly about not being here no more (still cant say the word lol) 

and it panicked and worried me to a point i felt sick & exhausted for a couple of days, then when i got a tummy bug a few months later i had the same intrusive thought about not being here ...once i was better they stopped! 

im wondering ......my anxiety was already high because of the harm thoughts about my baby boy so naturally i was feeling sick & shaking alot ....im wondering if the ocd has thrown up the intrusive thoughts about not being here because its made the connection that i should have those thoughts everytime i feel sick or anxious ....like a memory thing?? 

i know i shouldnt be analysing them or ruminizing etc but things are starting to make a whole lot of sense after reading that book! 

 

[Lottieloulou]

These posts are just so helpful. You could be describing my life! Honestly I have exactly the same cycle of ‘ending it thoughts’, followed by panic about them, agonise over whether this means I am severely depressed, seek reassurance of this etc etc.

it was googling along the lines of i feel like I’m obsessed with the thought of killing my self  that brought me to this OCD website and then browsing I found your post.

i had not made a link between my thoughts and subsequent weird behaviours and OCD

thank you so much. 

[CAH_05]

This is also me!

all of it! Been going through it on and off for a number of years now! I hardly ever come across people who suffer with suicide ocd so I am glad to find this post! 

I have been triggered massively the last few days and am starting to struggle again.

my partner is away at the moment so I am alone with my 2 yr old but have stayed at my parents the last few nights but tonight I am challenging myself and am staying home alone for the night with the baby at home. I always avoid being alone when I am anxious so this is huge for me and my anxiety is high.

 

[beckyboo]

On 24/06/2018 at 08:24, Lottieloulou said:

These posts are just so helpful. You could be describing my life! Honestly I have exactly the same cycle of ‘ending it thoughts’, followed by panic about them, agonise over whether this means I am severely depressed, seek reassurance of this etc etc.

it was googling along the lines of i feel like I’m obsessed with the thought of killing my self  that brought me to this OCD website and then browsing I found your post.

i had not made a link between my thoughts and subsequent weird behaviours and OCD

thank you so much. 

Only just seen this reply! hope things are going a little better for you

[beckyboo]

On 24/06/2018 at 20:23, CAH_05 said:

This is also me!

all of it! Been going through it on and off for a number of years now! I hardly ever come across people who suffer with suicide ocd so I am glad to find this post! 

I have been triggered massively the last few days and am starting to struggle again.

my partner is away at the moment so I am alone with my 2 yr old but have stayed at my parents the last few nights but tonight I am challenging myself and am staying home alone for the night with the baby at home. I always avoid being alone when I am anxious so this is huge for me and my anxiety is high.

 

Only just seen this reply, sorry for not responding! hope things are going easier for you