Guilt and did i

[Guest brian36]

Hi all not been on here for a few yrs now. Most of my worries and still are regarding Harm ocd. Still a ****** to shake off. But this other worry keeps popping back from about 4 yrs ago. Me and this other women both married. Drinking all afternoon with a few of us all then a taxi back to a mates house me and this other basically shared a bed. She did say we will just cuddle. I was stroking her and fondling she seemed to like it was slight bit of sex she did say i was persistent i asked to massage her she said if you want. I no what’s right and wrong. It was wrong to cheat i no that. Not one point did i feel like i feel now. It’s because of all the abuse claims like Harvey Weinstein etc that’s trigger these thoughts off. I did message her after a few days to see if she’s ok not because i did wrong but because i felt guilt for cheating she did say i,m ok just needs forgetting about. Which it did but the triggers set it off. I no exactly every detail what happened that night. And i no it was not abuse. It’s because i did all the movements if you no what i mean. I  am sorry for being to graphic. But this has troubled me then it goes then comes back again. Thanks. 

[PolarBear]

So how's that working for you?

[Guest brian36]

Hi sorry i don’t understand . I feel guilty bad and horrible was actually scared of reply’s 

[snowbear]

Hi Brian,

So you had an encounter in the past which you feel you shouldn't have done and now you're feeling guilty. To ease the guilt you've recalled it in detail and analysed it to death (rumination compulsion). You've also contacted the woman involved (checking compulsion). 

Despite doing these compulsions you're still unable to do as the woman suggested and forget it, and you're still wracked with guilt.

Presumably you're also telling yourself that acting as you did while a married man means...  It's this meaning which is keeping the guilt going. 

Have you had any CBT for your OCD? If so you'll know doing compulsions reinforces the obsession rather than relieving the guilt/anxiety. 

Somehow you're going to have to come to terms with what you did in order to move past this. There are a variety of ways you might do that. As a first step do you have anybody you can talk through your thoughts and feelings with - ideally a therapist, or maybe a trusted friend?

[Guest brian36]

Hi thanks for the reply. Yes i,ve had therapy numerous times. I can honestly say your correct i am ruminating over it constantly i can tell she’s forgotten about it. I am seeking reassurance mental compulsions seem to be non stop. I no it was wrong what we both did. But the automatic thoughts etc come in then the anxiety latches onto it making me believe it must be true. I do need to move on from it your correct. At the moment i,m reading on How to rewire your brain. Regarding what happens when i worry or were it comes from. Thanks again for your reply. 

[Lynz]

Hi Brian.

Sorry to hear that you're suffering like this.

Yes you did cheat and yes it was wrong, but a lot of people make these mistakes and they don't let it get all out of proportion like this. Only you can decide what you do about the cheating going forward (either if you tell your wife about it and try and make amends), but that is a completely separate issue to the OCD-related issue that is going on in your head at the moment.

As the other posters have already pointed out, you have falsely attributed meaning to a mistake that you made, in response to the news about Harvey Weinstein etc. I've noticed a lot of sufferers posting on here lately saying that all of that in the news has been a massive trigger for their OCD so you are not alone in that regard.

Hopefully you have already identified some compulsions you are doing, such as going over the event in your mind, messaging the woman in question about your conduct, as well as probably analysing your behaviour and whether you felt like it may have consisted of abuse. The way forward now regarding the OCD side of things is to stop any compulsions you are doing and refuse to be drawn into mind games about it. I also imagine the guilt you feel over cheating is fuelling the OCD-response.

It's important to separate the two issues here and not conflate them. The first issue is that you cheated and that will bring about a range of feelings such as guilt, shame, anxiety etc. This is a normal response to making a mistake such as this. Like I said you can choose where to go from here regarding telling your wife or not, but don't let the OCD worries fuel any decisions you may make with this because it is not an OCD issue.

The second issue is obviously an OCD-related one. That you have made a connection to a harm-related news story and are attributing meaning to your behaviours based on that, and are performing compulsions to try and reduce the anxiety you feel. This obviously needs tackling in the same way that any other OCD issue does.

Good luck 

[Guest brian36]

Hi thanks for the reply’s. I no that if i wasn’t in a relationship i wouldn’t be worrying about this. I no it’s the guilt making me feel this way. It all goes back for the need for reassurance since i was like 10 yrs old. When i first started these obsessions about what ifs i would spill out to my mum even though i didn’t want to or dare. I do remember and still get that feeling of release relief etc. It felt good when i confessed all to the last detail. For a while then something else would pop in. This has been happening for 32 yrs and counting. Re my harm ocd this is different. Like as since maybe 16/17 yrs ago i would get the dreaded harm ocd. Which you think your going to lash out it could be sexually or violently. The sexually one was against my baby daughter which is obviously the worst of the worst. That passed thankfully but then went to violent images urges and so on. Comes and goes all through the years. I get good days then bad. At the moment i can sort of understand what’s going on. My fear is when people are near me or insight. The woosh off fear that makes you believe that you were nearly close to acting out. Then i would dwell on it. That woosh is going constantly which is horrible. I don’t avoid people i am trying my hardest to understand what is going on with my brain and body in these situations, i seem to be worse at work. Sorry for long post hope you understand what i,m trying to point out. Thanks. 

[Guest brian36]

The repeat thought regarding the guilt that feeds the anxiety is Whst happens if i see her and she mentions that i raped her even writing that was a struggle. Heart started racing. I no that’s my what ifs. Like they always do. Whst if this what if that. Reassurance is a big thing we all no almost like a drug. 

[PolarBear]

My point Brian is that you keep doing one thing, ruminating over what happened, and nothing gets better. So clearly what you are doing is not working for you.

Time for something different. And that means looking at things differently. Maybe what happened just wasn't that big a deal and the fear you feel is unwarranted and unjustified.

[paradoxer]

My take, OCD hyper guilt isn't really guilt at all, .It's actually much worse, a chemical injected simulacrum of the same. To the OP, remember with OCD it'll be about anything. Let it go. And, from a cognitive point,of view, allow yourself to be 'bad'  ... just like everyone else. If you hold yourself up for sainthood it'll just get you into trouble. 

[Guest brian36]

That’s what i do is ruminate constantly until i have to do something about it. Mental compulsion are like automatic. I can’t help it. When say my worry goes nothing happens everything else is the same. I need to realise that but it’s hard to do. 

[Roopoo47]

Sorry for extreme late reply. No i haven’t told her and won’t. My ocd spike just flared up regarding if i abused her i no i didn’t just my ocd saying you did because you did all the work. So i am going to let it pass through