New////scared to openinog up about ocd

[Sophhh]

Hi,

I only just found this forum and am new so idk where to post this. Anyways I believe that I have (undiagnosed) ocd and have lived with it for about 5 years. I really want to get a diagnosis more than  anything so i can be 100% sure that it is what i think it is but I have a massive fear of talking to anybody about it and I feel really guilty bcuz of the fact that I am refusing to get any help.  

  I firstly don't want to go to the doctor bcuz my thoughts are mainly about getting illnesses and even thinking about it makes me so anxious!  But also I feel like some of my thoughts sound so crazy. Like I will have thoughts that my family or myself will die and these thoughts never go away even if i ritualise. I cant sleep bcuz at night when it's dark, I keep thinking that somebody is in my room and is going to kill me or something and these thoughts/ images in my mind are so vivid that im constantly just stuck in this cycle of intrusive thoughts and carrying out compulsions 

But then it also makes me feel so exhausted as I spend most of my day trying to even out these bad thoughts with positive thoughts and then just having to repeat actions and literally analyse everything i do and avoiding anything such as a cough from other people. I also dont know if this is part of ocd but im constantly guilty about everything as sometimes I think bad thingso to happen to other people and i it is reaching the point where i dont know whether these thoughts are just me being a badifferent person or if it's ocd? Im in my late teens so already have plenty to stress about but this is ruiningredients my life and making me push people away and I don't know how much longer I can live like this. Sorry this is so long!

Sophiex

[PolarBear]

Hi and welcome to the forum Sophie.

None of us are mental health professionals and cannot give you an ironclad diagnosis. That said, you have OCD. So take a deep breath and relax.

Everything you described points to OCD. You obviously have done some research bevause you use the correct terms like intrusive thoughts and compulsions.

Are you aware that thinking positive thoughts during the day is a compulsion and is only keeping you stuck? Compulsions don't work. They make matters worse.

Have you looked into CBT? It is the treatment for OCD.

[Sophhh]

Hi,

Thank you so much for listening and understanding.

I have been so sure this is ocd bcuz I've lived with it for years and ive done research into and been so close to getting an appointment with my gp but then I get too overwhelmed and talk myself out of it bcuz i dont know how i would explain that nobody knows bout it.

Yes I am aware that me balancing out my bad thoughts is a compulsions and I should stop these compulsions but i feel like im in such a bad place and compulsions seem like the only option and i cant seem to wriggle out of them without getting really panicked that something bad is gonna happen.

I have heard of cbt and want to try it but once again it means opening up, in which I am just not confident enough. And i know that makes me sound pessimistic and unhelpful towards myself which also makes me feel so guilty and hopeless. And i dont know why I am feeling all of these emotions when I shudnt. I just feel like im going mad. X

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi Sophie,

It is possible to do self-driven CBT using books - although obviously it is better with a good therapist.  But if you really don't want to go down that route there are good self-help books around to introduce you to CBT and the techniques involved.  A good one to start with is "Break free from OCD" by Paul Salkovskis, and I also like "Pulling the trigger" by Adam Shaw.

There's also a huge wealth of info on this forum and lots of knowledgeable people around to help as well.

GBG x

[Sophhh]

Hi,

Thank you. Everyone is so nice on here. I might try a book although obviously my ideal aim would to have some kind of therapy and cbt but it's just getting the confidence to talk to somebody in order to get one. Which i am not good at. Thanks for your help!

 

[St Mike]

12 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Hi Sophie,

It is possible to do self-driven CBT using books - although obviously it is better with a good therapist.  But if you really don't want to go down that route there are good self-help books around to introduce you to CBT and the techniques involved.  A good one to start with is "Break free from OCD" by Paul Salkovskis, and I also like "Pulling the trigger" by Adam Shaw. 

There's also a huge wealth of info on this forum and lots of knowledgeable people around to help as well.

GBG x 

I agree with this statement. Self-help is a legitimate avenue, one can explore and find solutions to the problems OCD presents us with. There many people who don't have access to good mental health care for a variety of reasons, i.e. finance, lack of facilities, social stigma etc. These self-help books are a god-send to such individuals as well as forums such as the one we belong to.

Edited June 4, 2018 by St Mike

[Atlantis]

Hi, just to echo everyone else - sounds like OCD to me, I'd bet my mortgage on it. You're lucky that you found out now, 5 years in. I didn't find out what I had until I was 27 and had been suffering since I was old enough to think. I would speak to a professional and get whatever help you can, but also know that you're not alone or going cray cray. It's just a chemical imbalance. 

 

 

[mdlbrightchild]

You sound like me when I first started having OCD symptoms at age 10. This is how mine started as well and I had to self diagnose over the internet because I was so ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone. Luckily it wasn't hard, my OCD was textbook, as it sounds like yours is as well. I've never told anyone about my OCD except for the bare minimum when I was in such a bad place and had no choice, only my mom and husband know I have OCD, everyone else just thinks I'm a worrier or I have anxiety.

Just don't be like me and wait 20 years, it doesn't get better trust me. Self help is something I've tried for the longest time but without support and at the level of anxiety my current obsessions are causing it's just not something I think could possibly help me. 

I have an appointment to talk about medication in a couple days, I'm very anxious about talking to someone about my thoughts though. This is why most people with OCD suffer for so long. 

Good luck, try the self help route but if it's not helping please get help from a therapist or consider medication to help even a little. Nobody should suffer like this.

[Sophhh]

4 hours ago, mdlbrightchild said:

You sound like me when I first started having OCD symptoms at age 10. This is how mine started as well and I had to self diagnose over the internet because I was so ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone. Luckily it wasn't hard, my OCD was textbook, as it sounds like yours is as well. I've never told anyone about my OCD except for the bare minimum when I was in such a bad place and had no choice, only my mom and husband know I have OCD, everyone else just thinks I'm a worrier or I have anxiety.

Just don't be like me and wait 20 years, it doesn't get better trust me. Self help is something I've tried for the longest time but without support and at the level of anxiety my current obsessions are causing it's just not something I think could possibly help me. 

I have an appointment to talk about medication in a couple days, I'm very anxious about talking to someone about my thoughts though. This is why most people with OCD suffer for so long. 

Good luck, try the self help route but if it's not helping please get help from a therapist or consider medication to help even a little. Nobody should suffer like this.

Hi, 

Thanks everyone for ure advice. It's nice to know im not alone although I wud never wish it upon anyone. 

I will try some self help books (when I have the money) but will try and see a therapist too when I have the courage to. I feel as tho im not ready to speak about it but then I'm really findinglad it hard at the minute and i honestly dont know how I've survived with it this long bcuz i feel like so many bad things are going to happen and i cant distinguish my true thoughts from my ocd thoughts anymore. I did ring the doctors but then never rang back to make an appointment  bcuz i talked myself out of it again. 

I hope everything goes okay with your medication and thanks again.

X