Feel so disillusioned with everything

[Orwell1984]

Fed up with life. Feel it is going backwards or on a very long standstill. I'm in my mid 30s and only earning a pathetic £70 a day. There are people with no qualifications in my office who earn three times as much as me and have houses, cars, children and juggle everything and are at least content and progressing through their lives in a direction they want. I have achieved nothing of significance to my life in a decade. I go backwards and make huge mistakes. I am only sticking around because it would hurt others if I were to do anything. I wish I were not here. I hate OCD and aspergers and how it has screwed up my ability to interact and be close to people and build professional and personal relationships. It's all blah. Being disabled is utterly blah. I am fed up and wish I would die in my sleep. I am so sick of this charade. It's utterly pointless apart from keeping people happy knowing I've not hurt myself. I hate being alive, pretending and playing this game every single day. I am in the shadow of amazingly brilliant talented and clever people in my family. I am a major let down. I know I'm living my life til the next relapse where someone will have to jump in and help me out again. I hate how there is always going to be this pattern. I don't know if anybody else feels like this even on a good day? On the best of days I would still prefer to never have existed. What a waste of time, resources, everything. People are horrible too. They turn on you once they sense any sort of weakness.

[Orwell1984]

Tomorrow is another day.  

[bruces]

I feel exactly the same my self disappointment is unreal 

[Bodger]

I have OCD and aspergers, so know how you feel. Sucks doesn't it. 

Have you had therapy or are you on meds? I'm on antipsychotics and find they help with my OCD but also the social side of aspergers.

Life is certainly tough with these illnesses.

[BelAnna]

Hi Orwell, 

I'm sorry you're feeling so awful. Are your family or friends supportive at all? Is there anything that helps you to feel better?

I can definitely empathise with some of how you feel. OCD has taken a lot from me and now I'm 30 and feeling very very stuck. I got A grades at school and Uni but had to drop out of the third year of my degree so I'm not even educated (everyone in my immediate family has at least two degrees). At the moment I cannot work so I am claiming ESA and feel completely useless! 

What would help you to have a better quality of life? Don't give up because things can change for the better. 

Edited June 5, 2018 by BelAnna

[Angst]

Hi Orwell1984.  How are you feeling today? I think that you pretty low when you wrote your post. I can identify with the last two sentences of your post.  But I would add the word ‘some’ so the sentence reads ‘Some people are horrible too’. I have had a variety of jobs including jobs in education where some students whatever their age can take advantage of perceived weakness. And some staff too. It applies to most work spheres. Some builders and tradespeople doing jobs for me if they perceive weakness quote high figures to do a job and then do a bad job. I recent post of mine gives an example of this. 

It is natural that we compare ourselves with others. But we have a choice about who we compare ourselves with. Given the problems you have experienced in life, I think that you are doing a good job. You are right in many respects life is unfair. For example, rewards in work might not be due to job competence but your ability to network and understand and play a successful game of micro politics in the office or workplace. I think you and me and a lot of people who use the forum need some CBT training on being robust. 

Edited June 5, 2018 by Angst

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

OCD can be tough, sad thing you can't change the past, but you can improve so you get a better tomorrow. But your feelings are there and i can only feel with you. 

[Orwell1984]

Hi All and thank you for the replies and support. I have had a worse day and spoke to the samaritans. Going to take some time off work and see about getting new medication. I think mine have stopped working. CBT therapy has not been working either. I am paranoid. O well I guess this is a setback but that's where I'm at.

[BelAnna]

Hi Orwell.

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. It was definitely a good idea to speak to the Samaritans. What will you do during your time off work do you think?

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

12 hours ago, Orwell1984 said:

Hi All and thank you for the replies and support. I have had a worse day and spoke to the samaritans. Going to take some time off work and see about getting new medication. I think mine have stopped working. CBT therapy has not been working either. I am paranoid. O well I guess this is a setback but that's where I'm at.

What are you paranoid about?

[Angst]

Hi Orwell1984.  With my recent problems I too contacted the Samaritans a week ago and had a word with my doctor yesterday about my medication. It’s good that we are taking the initiative.

A major international study on work stress was released yesterday and used two measures to measure stress. Job strain where you have little control over aspects of your job and effort-reward imbalance. The latter concept I think captures one of the things that you mentioned in your original post.

CBT is a very good thing but it rests on the notion that the problem is entirely in the head with cognitive distortions clouding our judgement and perceptions. However, I think that a good therapist would take account of our circumstances. . In English law, there is the concept of ‘reasonable adjustment’ where the objective circumstances of the job can be rearranged to make it less stressful for the occupant if that person has a recognised disability. I retired early on a reasonable deal but I worked with a clinical psycholigist while at work to make some reasonable adjustments. I was fortunate in that the clinical psychologist was an expert in job stress.

We all have setbacks so don’t worry. Time to enjoy yourself and I would make an appointment with your GP.

[Wonderer]

I felt so bad for u reading this post, I think I’ve said before my son has both conditions as well and I know how hard it is, but, my son has made so much progress with his OCD and despite Aspergers and the difficulties that can arise form that, there is definitely happiness to be had. I felt like you too when my OCD had been around for quite a while, depression had set in and the frame of mind ur in at the moment is all too familiar to me, even as I started to get well the constant fear of the future lasted for a quite a while but as my mood improved along with my OCD I kind of just think to myself, I’m happy now, I’ll deal with that if it happens again when the time comes. You’re amazing for holding down a job and having your own money coming in, maybe you’re not happy with your wage but there’s always options, you could look for another job and stick the one your in out until something comes up for you, please remember that the money u make is no reflection on ur capabilities and there are people out there who are struggling to get a job at all. It deffo sounds like u need to see the doctor about a change of meds and please be kind to yourself and don’t just stick around on this planet for everyone else, do it for you because you are worth it and you CAN get better and be happy. Good luck xx

[Angst]

Well said Wonderer.

[Orwell1984]

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful detailed replies.

 

I have been granted sick leave for the foreseeable by my GP and of course it's added a new level of panic over the potential office discussions at work, backstabbing and people trying to look good by acting like they care when they know that emails, phone calls and communications are monitored and fed back to their own managers.

The insincerity of people is astounding. I'm so wary of everyone in my current state of mind. My brain is on hyperhypervigilance to defend myself and stay safe. I know it's too much but it's automatic. It is noticing everything. Coincidences, people's gestures and words are what it's picking up on all the time. Its exhausting. Paranoia, OCD doubt, rumination over people's actions and possible perceptions of me, and Asperger difficulties around people's motives and disparity between actions and words is how my mind is at the moment. Absolutely exhausting and diminishing.

 

I have the burning sensation behind my forehead and eyebrows indicating the prefrontal cortex is overworking. Worry about a big time relapse and future career prospects is the big worry. 

The CBT I've had since February has not prevented any of this so I will try contact ocduk tomorrow to find out what to do. 

[Wonderer]

Orwell, one of the best things we can do for ourselves in life is to no longer care about what other people say or do. I was once a people pleaser because I didn’t want anyone to think badly of me and also worried about others talking behind my back, it is just a waste of energy because at the end of the day we may be a hot topic one day but people soon forget and move on to the next person, fickle! Freeing yourself of the burden of other people’s opinions is a wonderful feeling, I could not give a monkeys anymore what anyone thinks of me or does behind my back. I also pride myself on being a good person and wanting to help others in their time of need but no longer bend to everything because in the long run it hurts when people do not do the same for us in our time of need. I hope the time off work is helpful to u, while ur off make sure u get out of the house everyday, eat well and look after yourself!xx

[Orwell1984]

Thanks Wonderer. Today has been a better day. 

[Wonderer]

3 hours ago, Orwell1984 said:

Thanks Wonderer. Today has been a better day. 

Yay! Hope things keep getting better and better for u xx

[Imhotep]

I can relate to what you are experiencing, stuck in a low paying dead end job, having been a graduate with hopes and dreams. It's a shame I can't do job applications and interviews, but I'm working on it. 

However, I know there is more to life than my career, such as my family, friends,  interests and experiences. It also gives me a target to aim for, no matter how long it takes, I'm determined to move on.