Please help

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

1 minute ago, Headwreck said:

I used to think I was innocent but now I'm convinced I'm not, my therapist said I was and I burst into tears because it feels like a lie. I can't say I'm innocent because it upsets me. Everything is just a mess, I'm trying so hard not to ruminate and I just end up doing it over and over, trying to tell myself I don't need to know but then it keeps happening. I'm tired of thinking about it, I've been reliving this night out constantly for months. 

Your therapist shouldnt say that you are innocent. That was bad, how good is she?

What Orwell said was spot on. You NEED to realize that you should accept the uncertainty if you want to revover. You dpnt get certain and then recover , doesn't work that way at all

[Headwreck]

I'm trying but it's hard when you feel like you know what you're thinking is true and the results of that will ruin your life as you know it. 

I just don't know why I never used to think I had done this and now I do. 

Edited June 14, 2018 by Headwreck

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

24 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

I'm trying but it's hard when you feel like you know what you're thinking is true and the results of that will ruin your life as you know it. 

I just don't know why I never used to think I had done this and now I do. 

It is hard and that is why we all are here. If i were you i would read about other people's stories, i think you can benefit a lot from it. You will recognize how others seems to have similiar experience as you. 

And you need to ditch this believe that you can get certainty and THEN recover. It is the other way around

 

[Headwreck]

17 minutes ago, OCDhavenobrain said:

It is hard and that is why we all are here. If i were you i would read about other people's stories, i think you can benefit a lot from it. You will recognize how others seems to have similiar experience as you. 

And you need to ditch this believe that you can get certainty and THEN recover. It is the other way around

 

Similar experience in what sense? I have read several things but the experiences are so different. 

I know definitely that some of my behaviour makes no sense such as trying to remember if I knew about this before now (normal person would not do that), how all of a sudden I think I've done something two years ago when I've never thought that before now, how one thing about it will worry me one day and then something else the next, the person in question said he felt like kissing me when we spoke in text message after the night out, I now think he said that because he wanted to check if I remembered anything. Sometimes I don't think he said it at all and I made it up. Other times I think he said it on the night. 

I do think I have OCD about this night but I understand that does not answer the question I have the need to know the answer to, rather it explains my behaviour trying to find the answer. This is making me even more upset as knowing I had OCD at one time made me feel better about this. 

Edited June 14, 2018 by Headwreck

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

10 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

Similar experience in what sense? I have read several things but the experiences are so different. 

I know definitely that some of my behaviour makes no sense such as trying to remember if I knew about this before now (normal person would not do that), how all of a sudden I think I've done something two years ago when I've never thought that before now, how one thing about it will worry me one day and then something else the next, the person in question said he felt like kissing me when we spoke the next day, I now think he said that because he wanted to check if I remembered anything. 

I do think I have OCD about this night but I understand that does not answer the question I have the need to know the answer to, rather it explains my behaviour trying to find the answer. This is making me even more upset as knowing I had OCD at one time made me feel better about this. 

You will never know the answer before you recover. Sorry, it can go on forever if you keep feeding it like you do now.

[hedvig]

23 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

Similar experience in what sense? I have read several things but the experiences are so different. 

Headwreck, I know we were messaging earlier on and I told you a little about my previous obsession about cheating. I had the exact same fear as you, it went on for years before it shifted into something else. And I’ve read many similar stories throughout the years. So, it is simply not true that others haven’t experienced the same thing. I know it is so difficult to trust and see things clearly when OCD is this strong, but it is possible to turn things around. My first therapist didn’t use CBT and seeing her was just getting a whole lot of reassurance session after session. It always felt so good when I left her office but hours later the anxiety started creeping back. I reacted when you wrote your therapist says you are innocent, of course she does this out of care for you - but it unfortunately won’t help in the long run. 

Edited June 14, 2018 by hedvig

[Headwreck]

16 minutes ago, hedvig said:

Headwreck, I know we were messaging earlier on and I told you a little about my previous obsession about cheating. I had the exact same fear as you, it went on for years before it shifted into something else. And I’ve read many similar stories throughout the years. So, it is simply not true that others haven’t experienced the same thing. I know it is so difficult to trust and see things clearly when OCD is this strong, but it is possible to turn things around. My first therapist didn’t use CBT and seeing her was just getting a whole lot of reassurance session after session. It always felt so good when I left her office but hours later the anxiety started creeping back. I reacted when you wrote your therapist says you are innocent, of course she does this out of care for you - but it unfortunately won’t help in the long run. 

Hi Hedvig. Hope you are doing okay?

My therapist says that there is no evidence to say I did anything, and uses examples about being in a court of law etc. Theory A and Theory B sheets saying why it's a worry and not a fact etc. which I know would work for a rational mind but my head will only turn rational facts into new possibilities to prove me right. He has been using CBT, ERP, I do feel I benefit more from the behavioural therapy over the ERP but don't know just how much of that he is doing now as doesn't seem like much. My first therapist was like yours and would just reassure me constantly, as you said I would feel better but then sink not long after. 

My last obsession lasted for 4 years approx and just changed out of nowhere to this. It is 8 months on this now, I even know that isn't normal behaviour, anyone who had cheated would not think this much about it. I just feel I am a lost cause and as I also suffer with clinical depression it is impossible to shake this. How did you do it? Am I going to be this way forever with obsessions all the time? I had OCD when I was younger but it seemed to go away apart from checking now and again but these obsessions now are unbearable. 

Edited June 14, 2018 by Headwreck

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

19 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

Hi Hedvig. Hope you are doing okay?

My therapist says that there is no evidence to say I did anything, and uses examples about being in a court of law etc. Theory A and Theory B sheets saying why it's a worry and not a fact etc. which I know would work for a rational mind but my head will only turn rational facts into new possibilities to prove me right. He has been using CBT, ERP, I do feel I benefit more from the behavioural therapy over the ERP but don't know what the behaviour My first therapist was like yours and would just reassure me constantly, as you said I would feel better but then sink not long after. 

My last obsession lasted for 4 years approx and just changed out of nowhere to this. It is 8 months on this now, I even know that isn't normal behaviour, anyone who had cheated would not think this much about it. I just feel I am a lost cause and as I also suffer with clinical depression it is impossible to shake this. How did you do it? Am I going to be this way forever with obsessions all the time? I had OCD when I was younger but it seemed to go away apart from checking now and again but these obsessions now are unbearable. 

So i have also had "periods" (obsessions about certain events) which changed and i have every time thought that "this is it", now my life is over. And every time have i wished that if i only could get free from this specific event, all the doubt about this specific event then i would be happy. Fact is that i think this at this very moment, if just not this event happened i could be fine, then i could recover. 

I have many obsessions and compulsions but it is those thoughts about certain periods or events which hunts me really bad, when i was around 18 i got my first one, it stuck with me for maybe 4 years, then i got a new one, and now it iseems that i could get a new one. I mean i still fear the second one but not the first one. 

It is very good that you sees that a "therapist" who reassurs you are worthless when it comes to recovery. I have been in different kinds of therapies, every therapist have thought that she/he has knowledge, the first one when i was 16 thought that talking was enough to get over OCD, sometimes he told me that i should stop it, and that was it. I would like to add that the last ones have had true knowledge, but it is  not enough to have a good therapist!!

When it comes to depression i can't know about you, if they have classified you as clinical depressed i am nobody to tell you otherwise, but i can tell you that all the joy in my life goes out the window when i get obsessed really bad. Sometimes i just wants it to end, i don't think i would be capable to end it myself but thoughts that it would be great if my life ended can be there.

You should ditch the notion that someone needs to convince you, that a therapist can reason you out of this, a therapist can be knowledgeable about OCD and identify your obsessions and compulsions and push you to change. I am sorry that i can't give you a quickfix i would highly appreciate it myself! You really really need to ditch this belief that you can get certainty and then recover. Very imporant!

Edited June 14, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[hedvig]

30 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

Hi Hedvig. Hope you are doing okay?

My therapist says that there is no evidence to say I did anything, and uses examples about being in a court of law etc. Theory A and Theory B sheets saying why it's a worry and not a fact etc. which I know would work for a rational mind but my head will only turn rational facts into new possibilities to prove me right. He has been using CBT, ERP, I do feel I benefit more from the behavioural therapy over the ERP but don't know just how much of that he is doing now as doesn't seem like much. My first therapist was like yours and would just reassure me constantly, as you said I would feel better but then sink not long after. 

My last obsession lasted for 4 years approx and just changed out of nowhere to this. It is 8 months on this now, I even know that isn't normal behaviour, anyone who had cheated would not think this much about it. I just feel I am a lost cause and as I also suffer with clinical depression it is impossible to shake this. How did you do it? Am I going to be this way forever with obsessions all the time? I had OCD when I was younger but it seemed to go away apart from checking now and again but these obsessions now are unbearable. 

I started with medication at the same time as I got in contact with my CBT therapist and it was like life completely changed for me. However, during and after pregnancy when I stopped my meds OCD came back with force. It was a couple months that were extremely tough. I’m now back on SSRI and I can see things clearly again and I realise now that it was all OCD at play. However I’m still struggling now in a way mostly because I feel so ashamed of my thoughts and how I could possibly think and feel the way I used to do. I guess I have to treat these feelings the same and just let them be but I sometimes have a hard time being kind and forgiving of myself. I try to practise more self-compassion which I think you should do as well. Another thing I would advice is to not get stuck in thoughts like ”Am I going to be this way forever?”. Tell yourself it’s okay to be this way, and you can still carry on with life. 

[PolarBear]

See... you are not sure. And you never will be. No amount of ruminating will bring you the clarity you seek. None.

If you haven't come up with a final answer in years, you never will. 

That's why you need to stop the ruminating. And stop trying to figure it all out.

You also think that if you just admit you cheated that this nightmare will end. You are wrong. Only stopping compulsions and doing other work will get you the peace of mind you seek.

That is cold reality.

[Headwreck]

The thing is I think I was always sure before now, it never bothered me, I even remember my partner trying to accuse me of doing something on that night and I couldn't even take his accusation seriously before all this. This came out of the blue for me but I believed it instantly, there was no build up and then belief, it was instant. 

Just sick of it and keep craving alcoholic drinks which I've never done before, it's 7am and I was thinking about having a drink so that maybe my mind would give me a rest. I know I won't do that but the urge to is there. 

[Headwreck]

I've also noticed too that I keep googling about OCD, phrases such as 'OCD distorted thinking', 'OCD can't stop thinking', 'OCD changed my mind' etc. It doesn't feel like a compulsion but maybe it is. I just feel like I need to read about what it can do and find it soothes me sometimes to read it. Should I not be doing that? 

[hedvig]

47 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

I've also noticed too that I keep googling about OCD, phrases such as 'OCD distorted thinking', 'OCD can't stop thinking', 'OCD changed my mind' etc. It doesn't feel like a compulsion but maybe it is. I just feel like I need to read about what it can do and find it soothes me sometimes to read it. Should I not be doing that? 

Yes, this needs to stop too. I did the same, it really turned into a new obsession but it was all in an attempt to find reassurance that I do actually have OCD.

[Headwreck]

1 hour ago, hedvig said:

Yes, this needs to stop too. I did the same, it really turned into a new obsession but it was all in an attempt to find reassurance that I do actually have OCD.

But then does it even matter if it's OCD? Because it doesn't change the situation I put myself in? I just can't keep this up for much longer. 

[ohwhyhello]

50 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

But then does it even matter if it's OCD? Because it doesn't change the situation I put myself in? I just can't keep this up for much longer. 

They don't keep it up! What you're doing now isn't working, so why keep dong it? Give up on trying to find an answer, and live your life despite not knowing!

[Headwreck]

5 minutes ago, ohwhyhello said:

They don't keep it up! What you're doing now isn't working, so why keep dong it? Give up on trying to find an answer, and live your life despite not knowing!

Sorry I know it's so repetitive and annoying. I'm trying so much but it's draining, feels false and as though I'm a fraud.

[ohwhyhello]

6 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

Sorry I know it's so repetitive and annoying. 

Not at all.

What I'm saying is: what makes you think ruminating and trying to figure out what exactly happened is the way to go? Do you think you eventually arrive at a definite answer? You've not had success with this method. It's causing you great distress. So the logical conclusion is to not do what you've been doing; to do something different. Wouldn't you say?

You feel like a fraud and a cheater. Okay, you can't just make that go away in one fell swoop. But you can continue to live your life despite the feeling. Feelings are just that – they can only hurt you if you let them. Anxiety is an awful feeling, but you can still choose to live a nice life anyhow. You sound like you've given up on living because you have anxiety. It stands to reason that right now, the only other option is to live DESPITE the anxiety. It's your choice – make a good one!

Edited June 15, 2018 by ohwhyhello