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Hi

 

I am a 34 year old male who has been struggling since I was around 15-16 I'd say. I've always been an over thinker and just cannot control it. I've played football and seemed to use that as a way of obtaining approval from peers but going so far as to become obsessed with the football boots I'd buy (did they fit, were they the best they could be, were the affecting my performance?) Then I'd obsess about injuries I got, any kind of strain or pull I'd think would be the end of my ability to play. I'd spend money on sports therapy and help. Looking back I wonder if this was my way of trying to show myself as some sort of "professional", look at me I'm having to have therapy etc

Another issue was I had/have a major issue with blushing on my face. I used to worry I was beetroot red all the time and that people were staring at me and making fun of me. At 17 I was prescribed a "foundation" to cover my blushing which I wore until I was about 27. The worry was not then "am i red?" but "can people tell I'm wearing make up?" which is not good as young male.

Anyway, In all of this I also developed an internet porn addiction and chat room addiction. This has taken the form of sharing porn images with other men, mainly old men that we'd then "enjoy" together with the suggestion that we should enjoy them together. I never wanted to speak with openly gay men and if they said they were I would speak to them, and it always seemed/seems to be old men. I always say I am younger, i.e 18 years old even now so there seems to be something of a being taken advantage of aspect to this. This has become an addiction for me, I am married and have been for 5 years but am not intimate very often and I cannot get away from the internet.

My worry is constantly "Am I gay?" I've worried continuously about it since I realised what I was doing with the internet around 18yo. When I'm out on the street women always catch my eye almost obsessively but I then worry that I can't satisfy them or wouldn't want to. I don't look at me when I'm out and think they're nice at all. In porn though I feel as though I've lost my attraction to women, I can look at image after image and not feel anything and then if a male is introduced I seem to become aroused and this scares me more. I look at the women again and try to force myself but I think, No you don't want that, you can't and don't want to satisfy a women. You don't want to be in control

I have for about 10 years paid for private CBT therapy with 2 different therapists. Both seemed to fall onto the agreement that it was OCD. One didnt see the internet as a problem, rather a form of escapism but the other thought it was fueling my issues. Both tried different methods, one the usual cbt thinking, the second was more mindfulness. I must have spent thousands on them over the years but neither could help me and I don't think I've gone more than 2-3 weeks without the internet in my life, I'm addicted

I need help, I need to believe it is OCD, if it is. My therapists got frustrated with me and have stopped seeing me and I no longer know where to go.

It took ages to sign up here because I just let everything pass me by and somehow manage to hold down my job and marriage whist doing the bare minimum. I'm proud to have wrote this because I could be on porn now but I've finally managed to sign up here. I'm happy to discuss further but I just needed to type this out and get it out there, I need this all to stop

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Hi TTS, Welcome to the forum:)

I need to mull your post over more, but it seems to me you may have developed an addiction to looking at porn and using chat rooms over the years, but at some stage that's gradually moved more towards and tangled up with using these sites as a compulsion to check your attraction to women and disprove the thoughts/doubts you're having around being attracted to men?

So many people here have been in the same boat...if you're trying to desperately make yourself feel something by checking out images of women, it's not surprising you may feel anything but attracted if the underlying motivation's being driven by anxiety...as with all compulsions, what seems like a good solution to check, to be absolutely sure in response to the doubts ultimately 'feeds' the problem.

I'm not sure I understand what you say around sharing porn with other men and the nature of the images? Please don't feel you have to answer that, I'm just trying to fully understand if this again, is possibly something you do to test how you feel, to find some sort of certainty.

I tend to agree with your therapist that your use of the internet is fuelling the problem.....in a way, the addiction is fuelling the OCD and the checking's fuelling the addiction, with you stuck struggling in the middle.

If the addiction/compulsive behaviour is limited to certain sites, the treatment's going to come down to stopping, or at least to work at gradually stopping these behaviours.....that wouldn't necessarily stop you from using the internet in general to look at the news, shop etc though. That would be part of the treatment, the other would be to work out a plan to expose yourself to the doubts and anxiety, but maybe that's something your therapists have already covered with you?

Sorry, I know I've bombarded you with quite a few questions, but just out of interest have you exhausted going through the NHS for a course of CBT, did you find both therapists through the BABCP?

Hal:)

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Hi Hal and thanks for your reply.

it does seem that my therapists probably see it as a checking mechanism, but for me I can’t say I think “I am going to go on the internet and check what I’m attracted to” is it possible for it to be a checking compulsion without me consciously thinking  It?

 

in regards to the sharing it’s basically sharing porn images with other men, nothing illegal. We share images with the underlying knowledge that we are both matsurbating together, I.e homosexual undertones I guess. It could be checking, it’s almost like I feel worthless and not good enough for women and so I look at images with men and want to get my worth that way, it’s me in control.

I have approached the nhs before but I’m always worried anyone knew will just say I’m gay and in denial and I don’t want that answer, I can understand why they’d say it but I don’t want it so it’s hard to go to anyone new

even thought I’m married I haven’t had much sex in my life and I’m worried it’s evidence that I’m living a lie. I can’t have sex with women and use loads of porn and chat with men

does it seem like ocd?

 

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20 hours ago, TimeToStop said:

I look at the women again and try to force myself but I think, No you don't want that, you can't and don't want to satisfy a women. You don't want to be in control

 

55 minutes ago, TimeToStop said:

It could be checking, it’s almost like I feel worthless and not good enough for women and so I look at images with men and want to get my worth that way, it’s me in control.

I think I get what you're saying......it sounds to me like you're having the intrusive thoughts above around women and not feeling good enough, and as a form of avoidance I guess, turning to looking at porn with other guys, which is then feeding back into and compounding the thoughts around women.

It's the old vicious circle all of us here struggle with breaking, I think what you really need to do to break it is steer away from looking at images of women with other men....not because you feel there are gay connotations that go along with it, but because you're using it as a form of avoidance from having the thoughts and doubts around worthiness and women.

1 hour ago, TimeToStop said:

.....even thought I’m married I haven’t had much sex in my life and I’m worried it’s evidence that I’m living a lie. I can’t have sex with women and use loads of porn and chat with men

does it seem like ocd?

 

This goes back to setting up a cycle, you seem to be avoiding sex with your wife because of the doubts and then take that avoidance as more proof confirming the doubts, the porn with men then comes into the equation to create another cycle.

What kind of advice did the therapist who suggested steering away from the internet give, did the give you any CBT pointers?

 

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Hi hal

thanks again for your reply and what you say is really along the lines of what the therapists have said, strangely though i feel I can believe it more coming from you, as though I don’t really believe what the therapists say.

in regards to moving away from the internet as I say the first therapist felt I should give myself permission to use the internet, he thought changing my thinking through the traditional cbt methods was the way to go I guess.

the second mindfulness based therapist did feel internet was a problem and tried to get me to stop by restricting access to the internet, getting my wife to put a password on the laptop that I didn’t know. But I always found a way around it within a few days, as much as I didn’t want to I always ended up going back to it somehow

he also asked me to do mindfulness meditation via the headspace app (10 mins a day) but I struggled to do more than a week before I gave up. I kept saying that it’s easy to do when you’re feeling positive but the minute you’re suffering it’s hard to ask someone to plan something pro active like meditating as you feel you have no hope.

thats why he gave up on me in the end, I wasn’t doing the meditation and I couldn’t stop using the internet. He said that every week I went back with the same problems in different words and scenarios 

i understood his frustration but wasn’t it his responsibility to get me to do the things he was asking? If it was easy to do proactive things like self care, keeping busy, meditation etc then none of us would struggle at all and wouldn’t need therapy?

one last thing, you haven’t really said whether you think it’s ocd and I feel like I need you to say? Does it match with what you read and see here? Although even if you say yes I’ll wonder if it’s just because I’m on an ocd forum and it’s biased your view 

if you did think so what type of ocd is it? I always look but can never see anything that meets my problems?

thanks again and sorry for the long post!!

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I need to learn to quote the text in parts, how are you all doing it so good?

If your therapist have knowledge about OCD and have helped many people with OCD you should listen to her/him. You should draw a line or it could be that you just are searching forever for one who understands you. It will probably end up with you only wanting to post Polarbear. Sorry all to all the other knowledgeable people here. hehe:lmfao:

Meditation or something which takes up your time so you can't involve in the thoughts are great things. And i don't see any problem with you using the internet and google, but you shouldn't search about the things you obsess about. That is the important thing! Not using the internet because some sites triggers you would be avoidance, even the sites about the things you fear should be watched, but that can be in the later stages of recovery.

Here comes the worst part from me but it is also the most important thing which you really need to understand if you want to recover. Recovery would be easy if one only needed to resist when it is easy, it is sadly crucial that you resist when it is the hardest, not doing compulsions will bring on the worst kind of anxiety at some point. Why would we all do compulsions if it didn't gave relief? You need to resist when it is the hardest. 

2 hours ago, TimeToStop said:

Hi hal

thanks again for your reply and what you say is really along the lines of what the therapists have said, strangely though i feel I can believe it more coming from you, as though I don’t really believe what the therapists say.

in regards to moving away from the internet as I say the first therapist felt I should give myself permission to use the internet, he thought changing my thinking through the traditional cbt methods was the way to go I guess.

the second mindfulness based therapist did feel internet was a problem and tried to get me to stop by restricting access to the internet, getting my wife to put a password on the laptop that I didn’t know. But I always found a way around it within a few days, as much as I didn’t want to I always ended up going back to it somehow

he also asked me to do mindfulness meditation via the headspace app (10 mins a day) but I struggled to do more than a week before I gave up. I kept saying that it’s easy to do when you’re feeling positive but the minute you’re suffering it’s hard to ask someone to plan something pro active like meditating as you feel you have no hope.

thats why he gave up on me in the end, I wasn’t doing the meditation and I couldn’t stop using the internet. He said that every week I went back with the same problems in different words and scenarios 

i understood his frustration but wasn’t it his responsibility to get me to do the things he was asking? If it was easy to do proactive things like self care, keeping busy, meditation etc then none of us would struggle at all and wouldn’t need therapy?

one last thing, you haven’t really said whether you think it’s ocd and I feel like I need you to say? Does it match with what you read and see here? Although even if you say yes I’ll wonder if it’s just because I’m on an ocd forum and it’s biased your view 

if you did think so what type of ocd is it? I always look but can never see anything that meets my problems?

thanks again and sorry for the long post!!

 

Edited by OCDhavenobrain

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Hi TimeToStop (good name choice!) 

If I may butt in on the conversation... :) 

2 hours ago, TimeToStop said:

i understood his frustration but wasn’t it his responsibility to get me to do the things he was asking?

Very important point here that's relevant to everybody seeking therapy. 

No. :no:   It isn't a therapist's responsibility to get us to do the things they suggest. It's a therapist's job to offer insight and advice, but it remains 100% the responsibility of the sufferer to put in the work. 

Of course you're not obliged to do what the therapist says. It's a choice. Your choice. 

Do the work and improve your life OR don't do the work and stay as you are (If you're lucky. Most people find if they do nothing that OCD gets takes over more and more of their life.)

2 hours ago, TimeToStop said:

If it was easy to do proactive things like self care, keeping busy, meditation etc then none of us would struggle at all and wouldn’t need therapy?

Having therapy isn't about making these things easy for you. :no: 

Therapy is about showing you other ways to think and act so you stop making things a struggle for yourself. 

It's hard work - at first. But gradually you understand more and it gets easier. 

Therapy isn't about somebody else magically lifting a burden off your shoulders. (Good) therapy gives you wings to fly, but you still have to flap those wings yourself if you want to take off! 

2 hours ago, TimeToStop said:

you haven’t really said whether you think it’s ocd and I feel like I need you to say? Does it match with what you read and see here? Although even if you say yes I’ll wonder if it’s just because I’m on an ocd forum and it’s biased your view 

if you did think so what type of ocd is it? I always look but can never see anything that meets my problems?

This 'need to know' is reassurance seeking. You've been told by two independent therapists that it's OCD and yet still you doubt. You even realise that us telling you if it is OCD and whether it matches other people's symptoms (or not) won't reassure you! No surprise there, because reassurance never satisfies OCD doubts.

As for 'types' of OCD, there is only one type - the type where people have obsessions and compulsions. 

What they obsess over can cover any topic imaginable and what compulsions they do varies hugely from one individual to the next, but it's all OCD nonetheless. 

Looking for similar symptoms in other sufferers (or in self-help books, or on the forum) is pointless. You are unique. Every person with OCD is unique. But whatever our individual symptoms and behaviours, we all have OCD. Don't let yourself get bogged down looking in the apple barrel and wondering if they're all still apples because some are red and some are green. 

I agree with Hal: 

On 14/06/2018 at 18:26, Hal said:

If the addiction/compulsive behaviour is limited to certain sites, the treatment's going to come down to stopping, or at least to work at gradually stopping these behaviours.....that wouldn't necessarily stop you from using the internet in general to look at the news, shop etc though. 

First you need to commit to change. I can't stress enough how important that is. If you aren't committed to change then you'll always get drawn back towards your addictive-style behaviours and compulsions. We've come full circle, back to you being responsible for your recovery under a therapist's guidance. :)  

Committing to change means no matter how hard it is, no matter how many times you lapse, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again - with even more determination next time around. 

So, when you're ready to change perhaps the next step would be to engage with another therapist and devise a plan together for recovery. This will involve working out what thoughts and feelings trigger your current behaviours and a step-wise plan for stopping of those behaviours. 

Personally I think a combination of mindfulness and CBT works well, but everybody is different. All you need to keep in mind is that therapy is two experts putting their heads together to work out a solution. The therapist is the expert in CBT and you are the expert in how your mind works and how you feel. One suggests, guides and advises, the other puts in the hard work! :) 

Restricting access to the internet is an avoidance compulsion and won't teach you to be responsible for your own actions. So as Hal suggested, consider continuing to use the internet for every day things like shopping, but start setting boundaries for yourself on what sites you will no longer visit. Much of addictive behaviour is habit, so have some non-compulsive alternatives ready for when the urge to return to old haunts hits you. 

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Thanks again guys for all your replies. It just seems so strange that in order to get better I just have to force myself to be active, self care, no compulsions, when I think about doing that I think well what if it’s not ocd and I’m unhappy with my life? Then just doing the things like exercise etc won’t make me happy, I feel like I need to be sure before I commit to doing it

also and sorry for the subject matter but how do I get over the anxiety around intimacy with my wife, it’s awkward to initiate and then im worried all the way though. Am I enjoying it, is it what I want, should I be feeling this way, what if i can’t stay aroused etc. I feel like I can try all the other stuff but if I can’t get over that then all the stuff is for nothing 

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Why do you think OCD is so effective? Would so many people really have OCD if it wasn't convincing? I meam sufferer even recognize that the things we do is strange. Yes we do in some sense. 

 

The reason people are not recovering is because they feel that they need to figure it out before they can leave it behind.

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4 hours ago, TimeToStop said:

when I think about doing that I think well what if it’s not ocd and I’m unhappy with my life? Then just doing the things like exercise etc won’t make me happy, I feel like I need to be sure before I commit to doing it

Only one way to find out - deal with the OCD and see what you're left with. :) 

Thing is, if you were doing all those recommended things like self-care, activity, and (most importantly) no compulsions I guarantee you would be happier than you are now. And if you find you're still not totally happy then at least you're in a stronger position to fix that by being free of compulsions. 

Doing compulsions is THE one thing above all others that makes people miserable. But because it's your safety net and you think it's helping you can't see the fact they are destructive until after you've stopped doing them. 

It's OCD thinking (wanting certainty before acting) that keeps you doing compulsions, trying to gain that certainty you crave. Another fact people struggle to accept is compulsions will never give you certainty. They feel like the solution and you do them because you're convinced certainty is out there somewhere if only you could just... but it's all a big self-deception farce. 

The only way to prove these facts to yourself is to take the leap of faith, stop doing compulsions and experience life without them. 

Will just being free of OCD guarantee happiness? No. But it's a huge step towards being happier, and all the things that will make you happy are then available to you.  (They aren't at present because of how OCD affects your thinking processes, not because your life is inadequate in some way.)  

4 hours ago, TimeToStop said:

how do I get over the anxiety around intimacy with my wife, it’s awkward to initiate and then im worried all the way though. Am I enjoying it, is it what I want, should I be feeling this way, what if i can’t stay aroused etc. I feel like I can try all the other stuff but if I can’t get over that then all the stuff is for nothing 

When you're ready you tackle this obsession in exactly the same way as every other obsession. You identify the compulsions and practise not doing them. Checking if you're aroused, analysing if you're enjoying it, questioning if it's what you want, analysing your feelings - you just listed a load of compulsions  and there are probably more.

Then there's the meaning you're giving to intimacy (if this isn't right it's all or nothing, using doubt as a convenient obstacle to tackling your other OCD issues, narrowing your perception to physical pleasure instead of seeing the bigger picture etc etc) which can be addressed with cognitive therapy. 

But one thing is for sure, if you wait for certainty before acting then you'll be a long, long, long, long, long.... time waiting in misery. 

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Ah well, I’ve done well the last few days  it I’ve had a day off today to get some stuff done. It meant I was home alone this afternoon and I knew the lure of the internet would be too much, it’s the only thing I do when I’m alone. I didn’t want to but I knew I had to, there was no choice

My wife came back from work and within 10 minutes wasn’t talking to me, she straight out told me she knew I’d been masturbating and how every chance I get I do it. Can you imagine how that feels for her and for me hearing her say it made her feel rubbish

i hate myself. Then I think why did I do it, I enjoyed it while I was on there, I got aroused and maamsturbated. If you hate it you wouldn’t feel that, right? Plus it wasn’t as though I was thinking let’s go check this or test that, I was alone and went on.

i hate myself and I can’t continue to ruin other people’s lives, I don’t care about my own but I can’t string along my wife if I’m living a lie

i dont know what to do now

 

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3 hours ago, TimeToStop said:

Ah well, I’ve done well the last few days  it I’ve had a day off today to get some stuff done. It meant I was home alone this afternoon and I knew the lure of the internet would be too much, it’s the only thing I do when I’m alone. I didn’t want to but I knew I had to, there was no choice

Hold onto how well you've been doing, okay today you fell, we all do at times...all that's important is learning what you can from this and working out how best to avoid the same mistakes again.

Snowbear's point about being fully committed to making those changes we need to make is so important....at some point I think we all have to say enough is enough now is the time to change, to really do the graft and reap the rewards.

Knowing you were going to be alone having a plan of action in place to do something else could really have helped you today. Maybe draw one up for when you know you're going to be in the same sort of situation again?

It can be absolutely anything, going for a walk or run round the block, a bit of gardening, meeting up with mates...anything you can fully engage in and begin changing old habits.

I know it doesn't feel like you had a choice, but you really did...you're the master of your life and how you want to spend your time....and the more you can choose and actually do things differently the easier it's going to get.

It takes time, but you need to give yourself a fair and fighting chance by as I say, having a plan in place for days like these and sticking with it however strong the urges.

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So me and my wife had a chat after not talking since Monday, she basically said it’s been going on week after week and she knows that if she’s ever out and I’m at home alone that I’m going to do it. She says it’s not normal and that we could go on for years like this but as a marriage it’s not right, my wife is Russian I forgot to add so there’s some cultural difficulty too

basically the pressure to stop now is huge and I just don’t know if I can. Why do I do it if I regent it so much after, do I want to do it or is it something I’m forced to do? I tried to explain to my wife that I hate it but she said if I did that I wouldn’t do it, which then spikes my thoughts of “maybe I do like going on and talking to men? 

There’s a pattern of me waking up swearing I’ll never do it again. Then during the day I see sexual imagery, women etc and by the end of the day it’s as though I’ve justified it and I know I’m going to go online, stay up late, end up worried about my sexuality and marriage after being online and wake up after a couple of hours sleep repeating the same thing

i just don’t know is this ends, at the minute I can only see one way 

 

 

 

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54 minutes ago, TimeToStop said:

i just don’t know is this ends, at the minute I can only see one way

I might be mis-reading that, but if you're alluding to suicide, that's not and never is the solution.

You can get through this, honestly you can...but somehow you've got to start working at breaking those patterns you've recognised are keeping you stuck.

I know you've said you're not comfortable seeing someone through the NHS, but would you reconsider getting the wheels in motion for another course of CBT? 

Please though, if you are feeling suicidal, you can always chat here on the forum, contact any of us on the mod team or the Samaritans are always on hand 24 hours a day at the end of the telephone.

Take care.

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Does it seem like ocd to you? I’m just scared that if I go through a therapy they’ll say I’m gay, sometimes I feel sure I am and I’m in denial, plus how can I get the cbt to work this time when so far it’s never worked? I can’t go more than a few days without the internet, I can’t seem to break it, it’s not right

is there a chat function here?

 

 

 

 

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16 hours ago, TimeToStop said:

Does it seem like ocd to you?

Yeah it does, but as Snowbear's already highlighted, you're still putting the old cart before the horse by wanting absolute proof/reassurance this is OCD before making some changes? That's not a criticism, not by any means....a lot of people here (me included) have fallen into the same trap at one time or another, but the only way to make progress and beat this bully of a disorder is to push forward despite the doubts using the CBT and then the clarity kicks-in. 

I was very apprehensive too talking to my GP and then my therapist about things, I also saw though where the road I was on was heading, I couldn't amble along hoping the situation would miraculously sort itself out, I had to do something about it. You've already been proactive consulting two therapists and there could be all sorts of reasons why the CBT hasn't worked so far for you, maybe they weren't right for you at that time...I know one thing though, with the right support, guidance and determination....not necessarily always quickly, but over time it does work.

Do you think maybe you're expecting too much too soon for the urge to go on the internet to fade? None of us can go from doing something every day over many years and expect to be completely free so quickly, it's going to take you time to break these habits that have almost become cemented into your daily routine to begin to crumble.

I reckon, and this applies to both an addiction and overcoming OCD finding something new and enjoyable to fill the space left by them is vital, is there something you've always wanted to do and put-off? Maybe something with your wife like learning to dance,  so long as it's fun and engaging and allows you to mix things up a bit in your life....it will help you break these habits and hopefully performing the compulsions.

That will help, but also be realistic that it's going to take time and keeping going with it to see and feel some results.

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Couple of things I haven’t spoke about yet. Firstly work, I find it has a way of keeping me in the cycle. Becomes I’m there 9-5 Monday to Friday it makes every day very similar. I want to eat better but work is not much fun and as soon as I get to work I find all of my good intentions go out the window because I almost give up. Every week I think of eating better, drinking water etc but I give up so easily because my thoughts make me feel it’s not worth it

The I mentioned I played football. Possibly because of my eating etc I have put on weight and seemingly developed gout in my big toe. It’s a bit better but I means I don’t play football much. Apparently if I lost weight and drank water, eat healthily it may get better but whenever I try and play it feels bad so I’m resigned to it always being the same and me never being fully healthy again. That makes me feel really down and I eat even more unhealthy putting more weight on. I just feel so unhealthy and don’t think this is because of and adds to my ocd. I don’t know how to get out of it 

 

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On 24/06/2018 at 20:45, TimeToStop said:

I find it has a way of keeping me in the cycle.....I don’t know how to get out of it 

Would it help to look at the cycle, and maybe from there decide what changes you can make to break it?

This is just a rough idea......

To cope with work you eat --- you put on some weight and develop gout --- you now find it difficult exercising  --- your mood dips because you can't do what you once loved to do, play football - because you feel low, you eat --- your weight increases - your mood dips - your fitness level drops - you spend more time on the internet - your mood dips and anxiety increases --- the compulsions/addiction increase --- your mood dips --- you eat --- feel low and resigned to life as it is now, and round the cycle goes.......

What will help, may not so much be about making huge changes that may feel too much, but to make small alterations in your life that are all going to add-up and get you moving in the right direction. Instead of eating a perfectly healthy diet all week, why not eat healthily every other day or you could take out one or two not so healthy foods from your daily diet and replace them with something healthier.

The same tactic could be applied to exercise....instead of something strenuous like football, gentle, light exercise with a short walk a couple of times a week would help lose a bit of weight and it would also help lift your mood.

I know I'm sounding like a broken record, but the key's really finding other activities you can do and that will fill some of the time you would otherwise have spent on the internet. I really think, forgive the pun:whistling: it's important to have playing football again as a motivating goal to work towards to, don't buy into the lie life is static and has to always be like this, make a few changes now and you really can get the life you want back again.

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Really do appreciate the advice and over the last 10 days I’ve done better, early night and no internet

there’s no intimacy with my wife though and it’s something I think I fear, how can that be? I’ve noticed when I look at girls when I’m out I get excited but it makes me think of going on the internet rather than wanting to have sex with them. I almost feel I can’t have sex with them, like I don’t have the urge. I don’t look at me at all but then I start to after and it seems like I become nervous/aroused thinking of their genitals

why is there no urge to have sec with women despite looking at them? I actually said to my therapist once I had been watching the news about a rapist and it made me think why don’t I have that urge, so don’t have feeling like really penetrating just looking? It was a terrible thought but it was my way of explaining how I thought

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On 29/06/2018 at 18:23, TimeToStop said:

......over the last 10 days I’ve done better, early night and no internet

That's absolutely brilliant! Really own and be proud for what you've achieved there. You might slip back into old ways at some point, that's okay, it's going to take time to break old entrenched habits... so long as you can keep making steady progress over the next couple of weeks and months, that's what counts:)

On 29/06/2018 at 18:23, TimeToStop said:

there’s no intimacy with my wife though and it’s something I think I fear, how can that be?

I guess the blame lies squarely with the internet porn use there. When you think about it, you've spent a long time fulfilling your sexual needs using a medium where there is absolutely no intimacy...it's just a monochrome sexual act where there are no real feelings involved. It's bound to feel scary to begin doing things differently by investing more time in building-up your relationship with your wife and being prepared to work at what she would like from her relationship with you, that's hard work, but if you want a better quality of life for both of you, that's the way to go:)

On 29/06/2018 at 18:23, TimeToStop said:

.... why don’t I have that urge, so don’t have feeling like really penetrating just looking? It was a terrible thought but it was my way of explaining how I thought

The key word there is looking. Porn is all about looking, you've almost got to recalibrate what real healthy sex is all about for you, not what the porn has conditioned. A healthy sex life isn't about just looking (or penetration), it goes back to being in a full relationship with feelings and emotions.....difficult messy stuff sure, but ultimately fulfilling and satisfying. 

Really focus on what you'd like from your life in the long run, anything you're doing now that isn't helping you reach that goal, work at jettisoning it...be it the porn, type of food you're eating, lack of exercise. You've already made real changes with the internet use, try to keep up the momentum with the other stuff and it will all come together for you.:)

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Thanks Hal, I must say your advice is very similar to what I’ve been told but you explain it in a great way, do you ocd are you an expert in the field? 

I agree with what you say about the slip ups, I have to be careful not to go to easy on myself though as I’ll make it an excuse to do it again but so far so good 

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On 01/07/2018 at 22:37, TimeToStop said:

Thanks Hal, I must say your advice is very similar to what I’ve been told but you explain it in a great way, do you ocd are you an expert in the field?

Very kind of you to say, thank-you...but I'm not an expert:no:

It sounds like you're doing really well:)and determined, that's really going to get you to where you want to be.

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Sorry I havnt been on for a bit. Things haven’t gotten a bit worse lately and I just allowed it too. My wife is Russian and she’s been back in Russia for the last two weeks and I expected my porn use to get worse however it was the opposite and I didn’t have an urge to. I was instead looking forward to seeing my wife and didn’t want to use porn. Why then when she is back will I go back to normal, is it something to do with being stressed/feeling guilty when she is here because of my porn use and lack of sex?

id like to think in that case it can improve. But I keep thinking I’m not happy because I havnt accepted I’m gay, In porn I feel like I am because I don’t react to the woman with groinal responses anymore and I chat with men. But when I’m outside I don’t look at men at all, but is it because I’m in denial? I want to believe I can get better but I don’t want to waste people’s lives anymore. I need it to end 

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Well done, that's really great to hear! It sounds like you've made a good start - naturally some doubts remain, because OCD isn't something you can 'recover' from overnight. You need to keep working at it by continuing to resist your compulsions and not ruminating on these doubting thoughts you're getting - you won't get anywhere by engaging with them. Try not to seek reassurance too much, because that'll be counterproductive.

I also just wanted to say that this latest post of yours resonated with me in a weird way - especially what you said about finding it tricky to change your behaviour when you go back to your 'normal' routine. I've been stuck in a rut in the past few months, trying to get some academic work done in preparation for uni, but my daily routine got seriously messed up when my OCD was at its worst, and I've been finding it really difficult to be productive. However, when I do something a bit different (e.g. go out with friends, go on a trip, ...) I feel a lot more energetic and find that I can actually get some stuff done. What I'm getting at is it's quite hard to change your daily routine if you've been doing it for a while.

Perhaps a radical change in your routine might help? That's what I'm going to try, starting from tomorrow (going to wake up at 7, go to the gym every morning, and limit the time I waste on the Internet), and maybe it's something you might like to consider... Doing something completely different to what you're used to might help to break you out of your cycle and encourage you to stay away from porn.

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Guest

Hey man, I also have thoughts about being gay. For me honestly is less completely gay but more bi-sexual. I have thought that if I would not go and have gay sex I would probably fail to have a relationship eventually with a wife. 

I mean, I feel that maybe I would be able to marry her for a one year and then leave. But honestly I don't know.

I'm 28 now, in 4 months I will be 29, and I don't have a relationship right now. The fear is what will go on if I will get into a relationship. 

I'm scared that I will **** it up, hurt the girl which I will go out with, she will tell me I waist her time after I break up with her and all that.

I feel bad. 

Edited by Guest

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