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Need to get back to writing.


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So, I'm unemployed. My parents are good people and are helping me at the moment, but sitting around doing nothing is very depressing - I enjoy working and bringing in money that I can save or spend how I want. Last year, I had a great period where I was earning decent money doing freelance writing online, but it was totally derailed by my OCD which came up with the idea that my writing account was "contaminated."

I really would like to get back to writing. I don't HAVE TO, or anything, but I think it would be a very good idea. I want to be able to feel productive and accomplished again. Also, I can start to pay my parents back. 

If I make an account, it is pretty much guaranteed to get "contaminated." However, I guess I just have to ignore the urge to delete it and use it? What can I do? 

I want to be done with this. I'd like to start on Monday, maybe Tuesday at the latest. I just don't know if I can hold out and resist the urge to delete it. Any advice? I really want to do this. Then, I guess, if I don't get over the urge to delete it within the period of a month or two, I can go back to therapy and my therapist can help me get over it. Hopefully.

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And it all starts over again. Seems to me you've been at this point before, several times. You want to get writing but fear is holding you back.

You ask us what to do. You get several different answers. That confuses you. Finally you decide on a course of action only to immediately second guess your choice. Then you complain constantly about your choice and ask for alternatives. And round and round you go.

You have a terribly time making some decisions and then sticking to a plan of action. Sometimes you have to just do it and go on, full steam ahead.

Your quandry over your writing account is quite simple. Go with your last account and use it. Period. Deleting the account would be a compulsion. Not good. You have to realize that there is no contamination, that it's all a big lie.

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33 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Your quandry over your writing account is quite simple. Go with your last account and use it. Period. Deleting the account would be a compulsion. Not good. You have to realize that there is no contamination, that it's all a big lie.

And that is really all there is to it.

I too love writing, and it was very much a part of my career - writing reports, registers, technical papers, training courses. 

If I had listened to my OCD I would have never left my house, not been able to work, support my wife, own our own homes. 

We all have to stop listening to OCD and instead listen to WE - the collective of therapists, self-help authors, the forum and charity members. 

 

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5 minutes ago, Ryukil said:

Isn't saying to myself "the account is not contaminated" a form of reassurance, though?

Yes, doing that would be the compulsion of neutralising. 

Just realise that the account is not contaminated - it's only the falsehood of OCD that suggests it is. 

Edited by taurean
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1 hour ago, Ryukil said:

Isn't saying to myself "the account is not contaminated" a form of reassurance, though?

You don't say it as a mantra. You don't even trll yourself that after you get an intrusive thought. But you can certainly tell yourself once or twice a day. And you can even start believing it.

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Have the opportunity to write for an old client who I reached out to. However. I know that if I start writing now my account will be "contaminated" and my anxiety and groinal responses are going to spike out of control. Not sure what to do. I'd like to get back to writing, but. Yeah. Am I going too hard on myself? Should I go back to therapy or the hospital first, before getting back to writing?

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27 minutes ago, Ryukil said:

Am I going too hard on myself? Should I go back to therapy or the hospital first, before getting back to writing?

You overthink and overanalyse everything Ryukil, no doubt OCD at work. 

How do you deal with this?  Challenge it. Stop analysing, stop agonising, make a choice based on what YOU see as the pros and cons, rather than setting up a bidding contest which may further cloud the issue. 

 

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If I hadn't got to grips with tackling my OCD, I would have ended up confined to my home, unable to go out at all, unable to follow world events , unable to earn the money I needed to support my disabled dependent wife. 

CBT and belief in what I was finding out, and developing the willpower to challenge the restrictions OCD sought to place on me, helped me fight avoidance and get out and complete my career. 

You need to write Ryukil ; but the OCD seeks to prevent that by playing the "contamination"  card. Why let it? Do other people than contamination sufferers feel the need for avoidance, the fear and threat of that contamination you fear? 

Are they likely really foolish risktakers, not heeding a real threat? 

No - they simply don't suffer from contamination OCD. 

So you can learn not to listen to, and react to, the fear and threat the illness tells you is endemic in the mode of writing you wish to do. 

Edited by taurean
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