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Don't think it's OCD, just a bad decision. I need guidance.


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So yesterday I kind of thought that nothing had happened on that night out. 

Now today I've considered the opinion that it was a bad decision to go on the night out and I've only got myself to blame for this worry. At one stage in the night I went upstairs to the toilet knowing the male in question was up there in the toilet and I waited for him to come out, thinking it was funny, cheeky etc. to do that. I can't remember anything after that other than being downstairs again later that night and sitting opposite ends of the couch. What was my motive to go upstairs that other than wanting something to happen? I think I a) didn't care if something happened as I wanted to 'even the odds' as I was convinced my partner had cheated and thought it would make the pain go away if I did it too and b) wanted it to happen but wouldn't make the first move. I was drunk and something might have happened when I was up there but was never mentioned as they wanted it to be forgotten. 

I believe the worrying I'm doing now is exactly what anyone else would do. Granted this night out was nearly three years ago and it's only in the last 8months that I've thought something went on, before then I told my mum etc that nothing went on and discussed this night out with my partner when I felt the urgency to tell him what had gone on, again adamant at the time that nothing happened. But this is more than likely because I never used to think about this night so in depth as I was preoccupied with the worry that my partner had cheated. So my innocence was based on an summarised overview I had about the night and info after rather than in depth consideration. 

So, where do I go from here? Do I leave my partner? Do I live with the guilt forever? I am ruining my partners happiness staying as I will not go on holidays or make any commitments as I don't deserve it and if it comes out I've done it then it's not fair to have carried on with holidays etc like nothing has happened. So, what do I do? I need guidance, I don't expect sympathy as I don't deserve it, I just want to know what the right thing is to do by my partner. 

 

Edited by Headwreck
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Guest OCDhavenobrain

Can i ask you why you are making a new thread? How is this different form what you thought about before? 

How long do you think people who have cheated beat themself up? What punishment should you get when you cheat? If i was you i would try to go outside or do something else for 1 hour. At this very  moment.

Edited by OCDhavenobrain
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I don't know. Because I have nowhere else to turn to. Because I want to end this life. Because I can't live knowing I went on that night out and even made cheating a possibility. It is lowest of the low yet I thought by doing it I would escape the pain from worrying my partner had done it to me and comforted myself with that fact. There is no excuse. 

Edited by Headwreck
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Guest OCDhavenobrain
7 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

I don't know. Because I have nowhere else to turn to. Because I want to end this life. Because I can live knowing I went on that night out and even made cheating a possibility. It is lowest of the low yet I thought by doing it I would escape the pain from worrying my partner had done it to me. There is no excuse. 

I wasn't there. If that is what you truly feel you should go and get help right away, so you don't do anything bad. Taking your own life is no solution in either case, people who have cheated dont need to take their own life. 

But to me this seems to be the exact same situation you have ruminated about before. I am afraid you won't get more clearity in this matter at this moment. I honestly think you would benefit from doing something else for 1 hour. Go for a walk.

Edited by OCDhavenobrain
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Guest OCDhavenobrain

I missed something important. What do you mean with you have nowhere to go? Could it be that nobody wants to listen to you when you are talking about this because to them it seems like you are obsessing about the same thing over and over again? 

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My partner does not want to hear it and kicks me out, understandably, also says he will kill himself. My family do not care, they use me for advice and support but when I need it they are bored and do not listen, would rather talk about themselves. Therapy is not helping and feels useless. I feel I am annoying people here too and people just see me as an irresponsible idiot who cannot deal with their own stupid actions rather than someone genuinely in need of advice.

Have I been diagnosed with OCD? Yes, but it was 18 years ago so maybe no longer valid, I heard people can grow out of it. I was only a child and there was very little knowledge or treatment at the time for it. Do I have previous with OCD? Yes. Do I think this is OCD? No. I think this is guilt as a result of a desperately bad decision which was not made aware to me until 8 months ago due to another possible obsession. So why do I come here? I don't know. 

There is simply no point and this is all down to my own stupidity and selfishness. 

Edited by Headwreck
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14 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

I feel I am annoying people here too and people just see me as an irresponsible idiot who cannot deal with their own stupid actions. 

This is your feeling, but you are using cognitive distortions such as mindreading. This is not real. To me it is so very obvious that this is OCD driven. Seriously, you are in no place to judge your actions and thoughts from that night right now as your mind is so clouded. What would you tell your best friend in this situation? 

Edited by hedvig
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Guest OCDhavenobrain

You should not let your head tell you what people really mean. And what is the point then? One is just arguing with oneself at that point.

Edited by OCDhavenobrain
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It’s also interesting that once you come to a conclusion that nothing happened - that is not enough for the OCD. Now you think you did something horrible just by walking up those stairs, that you had some bad intentions and that you should be punished for this. Look, I’m telling you, I’ve had the exact same obsession before and today when I think of that night I can see how extremely blown-up and silly it was. I know getting reassurance isn’t going to help you in the long run but you need to turn this around both for your partner’s and your own sake. Even if you don’t think you deserve it right now. 

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Your initial post is just you ruminating. You're still trying to figure it out. That's a compulsion. Someone who did cheat would not be doing what you are and have been for so long.

People do not grow out of OCD. Biggest bunch of malarky I've heard in a while.

You still act like cheating is the worst possible thing you could do, worse than raping a child, worse than murder. I wish you could just hear yourself. An entirely overblown and skewed sense of right and wrong. The reason you think it is so bad is because you won't leave it alone. You are making it into far more of a big deal than it needs to be.

Edited by PolarBear
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12 hours ago, hedvig said:

It’s also interesting that once you come to a conclusion that nothing happened - that is not enough for the OCD. Now you think you did something horrible just by walking up those stairs, that you had some bad intentions and that you should be punished for this. Look, I’m telling you, I’ve had the exact same obsession before and today when I think of that night I can see how extremely blown-up and silly it was. I know getting reassurance isn’t going to help you in the long run but you need to turn this around both for your partner’s and your own sake. Even if you don’t think you deserve it right now. 

The story will usually switch, but the upstairs thing has been a common hypothesis the past few months. I just don't know how to turn this around or where to begin. The therapy doesn't feel like it's working for me and therapy seems to be the only thing people find successful. 

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8 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Your initial post is just you ruminating. You're still trying to figure it out. That's a compulsion. Someone who did cheat would not be doing what you are and have been for so long.

People do not grow out of OCD. Biggest bunch of malarky I've heard in a while.

You still act like cheating is the worst possible thing you could do, worse than raping a child, worse than murder. I wish you could just hear yourself. An entirely overblown and skewed sense of right and wrong. The reason you think it is so bad is because you won't leave it alone. You are making it into far more of a big deal than it needs to be.

But when I was diagnosed, it was a long time ago and I was only a child. For a few years the OCD seemed to disappear or at least just keep to checking behaviours and didn't bother me much, so why then out of nowhere after years am I all of a sudden allegedly drowning in it? Surely I'd need an up to date diagnosis? My therapist isn't qualified to formally diagnose, he's only treating me based on what I said it might be and he agrees. He's inclined to agree as I'm paying towards his wages effectively and it would be detrimental to his business if he said nothing was wrong. 

Sometimes I am not even thinking about that night but I just know I'm a nasty piece of work. Like this morning I don't really believe anything happened but I know I'm disgusting anyway. I ruminate and now my mind automatically says in response to it that I'll kill myself soon so it doesn't matter and the worry disappears. I can't afford to keep going to therapy and it's not working anyway, Dr's only throw tablets at me and put me on year long waiting lists so maybe it's the only feasible way out anyway. 

Edited by Headwreck
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So you say the story keeps changing, you have anxiety provoking thoughts (including the one that your current therapist is only telling you what you want to hear because you pay him) and images and in response to them you perform compulsions like ruminating and checking - but you still question if this is OCD or if it is a rational and justified behaviour. Maybe if you feel like therapy isn’t working you could try another therapist. If medicine isn’t helping, try another one. I know there is a part of you that wants to fight this and you can do it. It’s your life. You have to decide that enough is enough, even if you don’t feel like you deserve it right now (you will later). 

Edited by hedvig
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35 minutes ago, hedvig said:

So you say the story keeps changing, you have anxiety provoking thoughts (including the one that your current therapist is only telling you what you want to hear because you pay him) and images and in response to them you perform compulsions like ruminating and checking - but you still question if this is OCD or if it is a rational and justified behaviour. Maybe if you feel like therapy isn’t working you could try another therapist. If medicine isn’t helping, try another one. I know there is a part of you that wants to fight this and you can do it. It’s your life. You have to decide that enough is enough, even if you don’t feel like you deserve it right now (you will later). 

I'm scared because this seems to be fading a little but last time this happened with my last "obsession" it changed to something new. I'm trying to remember everything I know now so that if I start doubting something I will remember knowing in this moment. I was going to write stuff down just in case. 

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Guest OCDhavenobrain

It could be that your therapist is bad and maybe you need a new one but i can happily tell you that there is much potential for you. If you have let the thoughts dominate you in therapy like you are doing here it is not strange that you haven't got better.

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Think about how much you’ve learnt about yourself and how the OCD operates. Next thing might not even become ’a thing’ because you will be able to recognise it and stop it before it turns into a new obsession. 

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