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I'm worried that my POCD has come true. Feeling so lost


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OK may I think I've really messed up and while I'd love to put it down to ocd and move on I don't think I can. I think its actually more down to other factors. 

I've never been a big anime fan but I will occassionally watch anime porn/hentai whatever you want to call it, not an avid viewer by any means.

The thing is that as these are fictional 2d characters they don't really have ages. Most of these things take place in high school settings so you can assume that all the female characters are around that ages but all the female characters are just way over the top with busty breast size etc, they're made to look like adults. So I guess it just goes to the back of most peoples minds.

I know there is disgusting sick stuff out there that appeals to paedophiles but from what i knew these featured very young looking children characters, they make it fairly obvious. You would know it straight away. 

I've come across a couple of videos where the characters are petite and more flat chested than usual but they do have adult features and it seems slightly more realistic and grouded which was the appeal to me as well as reminding me of an adult actress I liked who was well in their 20s

I freaked out a little bit and I had it in my head that these characters were underage and had been drawn to look older than they actually are. As I say I was drawn to adult features but I was worried  that I was essentially looking at weird anime jail bait. 

I found out that these characters are just treated as petite flat chested women  depending on who you talk to and if its not explicitly stated or suggested that the character is underage and played up then it is just disregarded. Any characters that are clearly underage are not allowed on any of the subreddits obviously. 

Honestly these do look like petite flat chested women to me and as I say like 90 percent of these videos take place in a high school setting but the characters are clearly drawn to look like adults.

So I decided to check some of these videos to make sure that the characters look more like adults and that I was attracted to it for the right reasons basically. 

I got the reasurance I was after but I noticed another image and I just thought oh its okay she must just be petite/ flat chested.

I masturbated to this image and after a while I acknowledged that the character looked young and probably was supposed to be underage...but I masturbated to it anyway and now I believe that my obsession has come true. 

It turns out that the character was supposed to be underage and in that moment i felt genuinely hopeless and that my obsession came true. I don't see how that can be ocd, I do genuinely feel like a deviant and a sex offender now and I don't know why I did what I did. 

I think its more to do with a bad porn habit that has gone out of control and genuine perversion on my part

I've felt like this is totally ridiculous multiple times while writing this post and that im blowing it all out of proportion. I genuinely dont think I would have gave any of this a second thought in the past but I now feel like a genuine pervert and I feel so ashamed. 

There is only really one solution I can think of moving forward and that is to just cut out all of this stuff especially if I don't know for sure what it is I'm looking at. I really do need to try and quit looking at porn for good, it's making things so much worse.

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Guest OCDhavenobrain

Maybe you could give this a pause even if it is very hard, treat it as OCD and get rid of OCD. Then when you have recovered can you see if you find children attractive. If you do, well then you do. But in this moment i don't think you can judge accurate because you have OCD.

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If im a paedophile it would kill me. It would be the thing that tipped me over. Maybe thats why im sticking with this ocd story to protect myself. Even though there is more and more evidence mounting up against me. I know that these arent real peiole, they are illustrations but its the principle of it I guess and I do feel like my obsession has come true.

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Guest OCDhavenobrain

I don't know about your sexual orientation. But i guess that you have OCD, and OCD can be really bad, i would say that you are in no position to judge this because your OCD is probably involved here. The only solution here is to let this question rest for a while. There are some risk to this obsession because it could lead to you testing yourself and having childporn on your computer is not a good thing, even if you just watched for some seconds. 

What i mean is that this obsession could lead to you testing and it could lead to bad things, so please do let this question rest. 

Edited by OCDhavenobrain
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I haven't watched child porn and I never plan to, It has been a fear of mine but if I was ever driven to do that then in that case OCD would have beaten me once and for all. Everything that has happened I've been able to bounce back from. Its just this most recent incident that is giving me trouble but there is some part of me that feels stupid for worrying about it. 

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Guest OCDhavenobrain
2 minutes ago, mrgarfield94 said:

I haven't watched child porn and I never plan to, It has been a fear of mine but if I was ever driven to do that then in that case OCD would have beaten me once and for all. Everything that has happened I've been able to bounce back from. Its just this most recent incident that is giving me trouble but there is some part of me that feels stupid for worrying about it. 

There are people who have ended up in problem because they have tested themselves. It is not uncommon that people with OCD tests but when it comes to this obsession it could lead to problems. And you should really attack OCD no matter what theme you have. But let this topic rest for a while and ask yourself after you have recovered if you are attracted to underaged people.

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I do understand that and I know that people have tested themselves in that way, although from what I understand its rare. While I may not agree with it and think there should be consequences and they should be held to account, I can understand what would drive someone to do such a thing, that being said I dont want to put myself in that situation which is one of the reasons  why I want to be free of this

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Guest OCDhavenobrain

I can also understand the deep despair which drives such behaviour. Big big despair and anxiety. In your case i would highly advice you to let this rest, it will just go on and on man. I promise you, this will not solve itself. The thing i mentioned is a risk. 

Man i am sorry that you are suffering but you know why we all are here, you need to stop doing the wrong thing and start doing the right if you want to recover from OCD. Don't go after specific thoughts go after the disorder you have. I am not saying "yes" or "no" to your question about you being attracted to young people. 

Edited by OCDhavenobrain
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No I do get that completely. I am my own worst enemy at times to be honest and I make the same mistakes over and over. I don't see me getting professional help anytime soon with the way things are going so I guess I'm just going to have to learn how to mange on my own. I'm pretty certain I'm not attracted to children, hopefully,  I'm now more concerned about an attraction to teens 

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Guest OCDhavenobrain
8 minutes ago, mrgarfield94 said:

No I do get that completely. I am my own worst enemy at times to be honest and I make the same mistakes over and over. I don't see me getting professional help anytime soon with the way things are going so I guess I'm just going to have to learn how to mange on my own. I'm pretty certain I'm not attracted to children, hopefully,  I'm now more concerned about an attraction to teens 

It could be that you are attracted to teens as long as you don't act out on it, in this i include watching childporn, i guess it could be ok. But it is one big IF. If you actually are attracted i mean, i don't know.

I agree with you totally, we seems to be our own worst enemies. It is really sad, how we bully ourselves. You can get it under controll on your own but it is hard and i would recommend you to use this approach temporarily, til the day you get help. Have you reached out to someone yet?

And you need to use the forums in a constructive way, i think it was you who have made topics about this matter on many sites where you asked for reassurance. It can get nasty when it comes to the internet and reassurance.

Edited by OCDhavenobrain
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If I did have an attraction to teens it wouldn't be the end of the world. I feel I could manage it and after all I'm still attracted to women my age and older. But kids no? After being abused myself it would be the ultimate screw you. 

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Guest OCDhavenobrain
7 minutes ago, mrgarfield94 said:

If I did have an attraction to teens it wouldn't be the end of the world. I feel I could manage it and after all I'm still attracted to women my age and older. But kids no? After being abused myself it would be the ultimate screw you. 

I understand that. But it seems to me that you have gone through this for a looong time, and you haven't figured it out yet? You know how it goes for everyone else with OCD... You probably know that people with this condition seems to be able to fuel their obsessions for ever. I really don't see why you should be different. 

You are very fearful of the possibility. 

Edited by OCDhavenobrain
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Seems very similar to my post mrgarfirld94 I look at porn all the time with other men and get to a point where it’s hinted we want to be gay but I hate it and want to stop. Afterwards I always think that’s the last time I’m breaking the cycle and never doing it again. But within a day or a few hours I’m right back there and I don’t know why. It’s ruined my life and I just want to know for definite what I am, to have some clarity in some way so I can move on

i don’t know tho, porn seems to lead to some weird things so maybe that’s what’s done it for you. I’d say leave off the porn but I know how hard that is, especially when you feel it’s what you want, how can that be a compulsion if you feel you want/need to do it..

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I've had the paedophile theme for about 3 years and thats actually a really good point that I haven't been able to figure it out. 

Timetostop, I do have a problem with porn which has gotten worse since OCD as I use it as a compulsion to check I'm still attracted to women. 

I just need to stay away from anime porn because it triggers me that I never know what exactly I'm looking at 

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For now I will treat this incident as OCD related because ocd has caused me to do weird stuff in the past and I've been convinced my obsessions have come true before. I will leave it for the time being but I do think it was more to do with me as a person.

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Guest OCDhavenobrain

That is what everybody would suggest you to do. Atleast people with some insight into OCD and with the motivation that they want you to overcome OCD.

Let it rest and see in 6months or so if you are attracted to underaged people. 

But be prepared and know that it is now the hard part begins. But anxiety doesn't mean much really

Edited by OCDhavenobrain
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Hey,

To an outsider, everything about this screams OCD.  I know how difficult it is to be able to see things as such when you're stuck in the midst of it, but try to step back.  

Firstly, these are cartoon characters.  Not real people.  Not even (really) designed to look realistic.  I don't think you can fairly draw any conclusions about any sexual attractions based on that.  You said yourself that being attracted to children is your worst fear - allow yourself to take that at face value.  OCD is a malicious condition that will play on any source of doubt and give us as much "evidence" as it can that our fears will come true and I really think everything you've described fits OCD 100%.  Taking all the details away, at the root of all of this is fear, and you're overthinking something very small, which is convincing you that your worst fear is true = hallmarks of OCD.

Definitely get treatment if you can, rather than figuring it out on your own.  It sucks when you don't 'click' with a therapist but if you keep persisting chances are you'll find one who you can work really well with.  Medication can help the process along too.  

 

Best of luck

Edited by Poirot
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OCDhavenobrain, thanks for the solid advice man, I really appreciate it. 

Poirot I appreciate your advice as well. I do get along with my therapist its just that I can't get the right treatment. I have been dealing with this myself for three years so it would be nice to get professional support

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Guest OCDhavenobrain

That is all i can do for you. We can give eachother advices but we need to do the work. Not to downplay the importance of information about OCD, because there is soo much misinformation out there. 

But yea man you need to make a change or this will just eat you up, i promise you, this will just take and take and take. And you will sit there with anxiety and beg it to stop, but it won't because the body wants us to react to threats and this is a threat, it is not actually a threat but of some reason we seems to be very bad at judging if something is a threat. I guess that is that part of our brain which seems to be malfunctioning in we who have OCD.

THE IMPORTANT thing for you my friend is to stop being slapped around by your own thoughts.

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On 19/06/2018 at 14:10, Poirot said:

Hey,

To an outsider, everything about this screams OCD.  I know how difficult it is to be able to see things as such when you're stuck in the midst of it, but try to step back.  

Firstly, these are cartoon characters.  Not real people.  Not even (really) designed to look realistic.  I don't think you can fairly draw any conclusions about any sexual attractions based on that.  You said yourself that being attracted to children is your worst fear - allow yourself to take that at face value.  OCD is a malicious condition that will play on any source of doubt and give us as much "evidence" as it can that our fears will come true and I really think everything you've described fits OCD 100%.  Taking all the details away, at the root of all of this is fear, and you're overthinking something very small, which is convincing you that your worst fear is true = hallmarks of OCD.

Definitely get treatment if you can, rather than figuring it out on your own.  It sucks when you don't 'click' with a therapist but if you keep persisting chances are you'll find one who you can work really well with.  Medication can help the process along too.  

 

Best of luck

Spot on poirot. Try to avoid compulsions. I've seen some of those anime characters and they make me spike just like a kid on the beach. Either way your ocd will make it seem whatever you fear. Good luck and stay cool. It's ocd. 

Edited by njb
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