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I keep forgetting about it


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If you're forgetting about it then it means you're not ruminating about it. We've been encouraging you to curb your fuminating, which you may well be doing for brief stints. But now you're concerned that you're not focused on your obsession.

Of course you continue to leave it alone. What good does fixating on it do? That's OCD and only keeps you stuck.

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I'm definitely not ruminating so much but it feels wrong, like I'm getting away with it. But I'm bored of it, I don't feel panicky so much as I'm used to thinking about it which is good but it's just annoying me now instead.

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Is it possible to think so much about something that you no longer know what to think anymore? I genuinely don't know if I have done this thing or not because I've spent 8 months thinking about it constantly. After this obsession is over, will I still feel that way? 

I'm not ruminating about it as much as I was but the idea that I have done this and thoughts are still there in the background. I give up. 

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You've spent 8 months thinking about it constantly. It's going to take time to Peter out. In the mean time, quit analyzing what's currently going on and trying to figure out what it means. Leave it alone.

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I'm so upset at the moment, I am trying not to get upset in front of my partner but it's difficult. I just can't carry on any longer.

I wish I had never have gone on that night out. If I knew 100% I had done something and had memories of it then I'd just go but this guesswork and filling in the gaps is destroying me. Why has it taken two years for me to realise something may have happened? Why was I sure before now? I don't think I knew about it before this, or it all certainly felt new when it started. I don't remember what it feels like not to feel guilty. I know I felt guilty in the past but don't know if it was about this. How have I lived with knowing, or maybe I've been too preoccupied with obsession about my partner? I don't know what to do, I know people say leave the past behind but this is unfaithfulness and hurts someone else, it's nothing to do with my discomfort. 

What can I do. I don't want reassurance as I know nobody here was there. I know it was my own fault being there. I just don't know what to do, my life is garbage and everything is a mess. 

Edited by Headwreck
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And now I feel better for writing it out, so I guess that is wrong as well? So what am I supposed to do, I feel so lonely and undeserving of any help. 

Edited by Headwreck
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7 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

So what am I supposed to do

My answer mirrors Polar Bear's:

3 hours ago, PolarBear said:

quit analyzing what's currently going on and trying to figure out what it means. Leave it alone.

 

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You're frustrated. Understandable. But you're reacting by trying to figure things out, thinking the worst case scenario and analyzing what may have happened.

These are the activities you must put an end to. We have told you this time and time again.

Kissing someone is not the end of the world. Cheating is not the end of the world. You're acting like you must have, even though you don't know and never will for sure.

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Nothing was mentioned about sex or cheating afterwards, other than the person in question saying on a text that he felt like kissing me. But I'm also doubting this as well as I can't remember the exact moment I read the text saying that, I only know he said it in a text. Sometimes I think he said it to cover up the fact we did, then other times I think I made it up and he didn't say it even though I told my mum he said it. Sometimes I think maybe he said it on the night and then we did. I ask my mum to tell me exactly what I told her and she doesn't remember other than I said nothing had gone on. Also when this guy left that night he shook my hand. Or at least that's what I've always said had happened.

It doesn't stop. I keep imaging a scenario where he turns up at my house and tells my partner something happened but I genuinely don't know what he would tell, I think I'd be shocked by it as well. 

I'm trying to cut it out, I really honestly am. I know it's annoying and boring to read but I'm trapped. I feel like smashing my head against a wall just to stop going over and over this garbage. I panic at the idea that I'm never going to know for sure and I'm going to be acting like I'm innocent when I'm not, lying to myself and everyone else. 

Edited by Headwreck
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Look you are making a choice here. Don't let that escape you. You are choosing to believe you did something wrong, in the absence of any evidence. 

You could choose to believe nothing happened and get on with your life.

Asking your mom repeatedly what you said is a compulsion. It's keeping you stuck.

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When I read all this back I know how preposterous it sounds and I guess everyone reading says it stinks of OCD but I know how OCD feels to me, the doubt of not locking a door, wondering if I've left a tap on and flooded the house, being worried I'm going to get sacked from a job for making mistakes etc. and this feels completely different to that. 

Edited by Headwreck
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