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Distressing intrusive ocd thought - can't cope, please help!


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Hi all,

I'm really struggling with an intrusive thought. I was in Boots at the pharmacy section and it was really quiet with only the pharmacists around.

I've been having an awful time with my ocd fears of hiv and genital herpes infection recently and have been doing a lot of reassurance seeking from doctors.

I'd just been to the doctor again to be told categorically that i don't have herpes, then popped into Boots for the pharmacy. I had a spaced-out minute or so as i had barely eaten and had taken some diazepam. Whilst she was filling the prescription, I was still standing at the counter and noticed that there was a man near by.

I had an intrusive thought that I'd had sex with him whilst spaced out and have now contracted herpes and/or hiv. He was from a higher-risk group for hiv, as based on his accent when he was talking to the shop assistant, he was from Africa. I'm really scared now and am desperate to go and get post-exposure prophylaxis medication for hiv.

I don't mean to sound offensive, but I am particularly fearful of "high-risk" for hiv groups. Everyone is high risk for herpes as it's so common. I have frequent intrusive thoughts of randomly having sex with people i pass on the street and contracting herpes and/or hiv. I find these really distressing and makes it really hard for me to go out on my own.

I was so distressed by this thought that i started panicking and even asked the pharmacist if anything had happened. She said no, but her back was to me so her reassurance hasn't helped. I also could have left the counter to go and have sex with him. What if's and possibilities are destroying me. 

I've been frantic with worry ever since and can't stop obsessing and ruminating about it. I'm so scared that I've now been infected with either herpes and/or hiv. I'll now have weeks of hell waiting for a herpes outbreak and a hiv test.

I think I've had a breakdown. I can't function anymore. I'm constantly terrified and can't cope. I am so so scared now that I've been infected by one or both or these diseases.  

I'm completely overwhelmed and contemplating suicide. I'm exhausted and desperate.

Please help! Thanks xx

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Guest OCDhavenobrain

What do you think about all this? You mentioned what ifs. 

How are you doing overall? Do you take benzo on a daily basis? I really need to warn you about taking benzo for longer periods. When i did take i took 3 days then i had to take a break. It was hard but i managed to do it. Because it really really suck to be dependent on benzo. And i personally find that if i would follow what my doctors had said i would be in the riskzone of dependence, atleast when i was in the hospital. 

It sounds like you are in a very anxious state! Are you getting any help for OCD? If i was you i would try my hardest to reach out to get help from a therapist instead of going to doctors about herpes, it is really important that you stop yourself from going to doctors and test yourself for HIV and herpes. If you do have HIV you will notice it at some point.

Edited by OCDhavenobrain
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hi, thanks for replying to me. I have no idea what's reality and what's ocd atm. I live in constant fear, which for the last few months I've only been able to deal with via benzos and nytol. I know medication isn't the answer but I get so distressed, it's the only thing that calms me down.

I know rationally that it's unlikely that i would have sex with a random person in a public place, but the what if's creep in, followed by catastrophising- I have contracted an incurable std --> I will be unloveable --> I will be alone forever.   

I do have a private therapist but it's once a week and I have my 4th session on weds. I was referred to the crisis team by my gp last week - the only help they could offer me is a psychiatrist appt for a month's time. When i was begging the social worker for help saying I was suicidal and couldn't wait a month for help, he said he had to go and hung up on me. Good old nhs there! :(  

The last time I was this ill, I was working in Australia and was admitted to a private psychiatric hospital for 3 months - I miss having private health insurance. The nhs mental health services here are shocking. There's no help. The last time I was admitted to hospital in the UK was last January following a suicide attempt. I was there a week only, with no help or support as there were even more ill people in there who needed the help more than I did. So, there really is no help available on the nhs. The only support I get is from the sex health clinic staff, who reassure me that herpes and even hiv isn't the end of the world.

I can't take any more of the ocd. I'm at my end. Ive had this awful illness for nearly 20 years, it's destroyed my life, frequently reoccurs and has ruined my career and more friendships and relationships than I can count. 

I can't take another breakdown. I'm not strong enough. I just want this hell to be over. 

 

 

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You know, cognitively, if this happened or didn't. Don't let your OCD feed you lies.

To truly recover, you need to get to a place where you can say to yourself: "Maybe I boned this guy in the middle of a pharmacy and he gave me AIDS," and live with that possibility. Tolerate the anxiety and not do a thing about this.

I know it's hard to imagine accepting this in the place where you're at. But you cannot even fathom how great your life could be if you submitted to the thought without fighting it. I was where you are. If I had a paper cut on my finger, I'd be convinced that I had contracted HIV by touching the rail on the subway. It's all lies. Maybe you have herpes, maybe you have HIV, maybe you are the biggest secret slut and you don't know it. Oh well. Adopt the "oh well" attitude and things will get MUCH easier. There is a way out. You just need to STOP reacting to alarming thoughts. It's painful at first, but so, so rewarding. You are doing all the wrong things. Cut out the doctors. Entirely. No more doctors. It isn't doing you any favours, it's making things worse.

Be smart about this. Do NOT submit. Don't waste time and energy. This is a totally treatable disorder and you don't have to be its slave. You don't. Really. You just need to take responsibility for your own thought patterns. No one else can do the work for you. Medication and therapy are helpful tools, but no one can fix you but you.

Edited by ohwhyhello
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Hi, thanks for replying. The problem is that cognitively I don't know, I can't distinguish between what's real and what's ocd. The anxiety of uncertainty is unbearable, even with benzos. 

How long did it take you to get to the stage that you're at now? When I first became ill with ocd aged 16, I couldn't go out on my own for almost 3 years and it took 5 months in hospital (nhs psych ward - useless!) and then 18 months of weekly therapy to get to being able to go out on my own and lead a normal-ish life. I don't know if I can go through that again. I don't know if I've got the strength.

I'm so scared that I'm not going to recover from this. I'm scared that I'll be untreatable. I cant bear being alive any more.

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2 minutes ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said:

Hi, thanks for replying. The problem is that cognitively I don't know, I can't distinguish between what's real and what's ocd. The anxiety of uncertainty is unbearable, even with benzos.

Do you REALLY believe that you f**cked some guy at the pharmacy? Deep down?

You are clearly a rational person. I can't say whether you did or didn't, but I think you know.

It took me three sessions with a qualified CBD therapist to get the basic hang of it. Longer to internalise it. You are not untreatable. Simply not.

Edited by ohwhyhello
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5 minutes ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said:

I've had additional thoughts now that someone's come in through the back door of my flat and I've just had sex with them. I don't know if it's true or not. I can't tell reality from thoughts. It's so upsetting!! 

Maybe. Maybe not. Accept the anxiety that that possibility gives you, and carry on. Tolerate the anxiety. It will pass. Do not try to logic your way out of it. Do not argue with the thought. Anxiety may feel intolerable, and most people will do anything to make it go away, but it will pass. Don't try to make it go away. Anxiety feels like ****, but it can not hurt you. Tell yourself: "Yes, someone came to my back door and raped me. He gave me HIV and herpes." And then do NOTHING. Don't argue against it, accept it.

If you internalise this, over time, I can guarantee you things will get much, much better.

Edited by ohwhyhello
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I'm so scared! I'm terrified all the time. I'm always crying. These thoughts and the anxiety is never ending. I'm constantly anxious and afraid. 

I'll try to tolerate the anxiety, but I'm exhausted and it all seems too much. I think I'm doing graded exposures with my therapist, so hopefully I'll soon be able to see a difference. But right now, these thoughts are killing me!!

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7 minutes ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said:

I'm so scared! I'm terrified all the time. I'm always crying. These thoughts and the anxiety is never ending. I'm constantly anxious and afraid. 

Anxiety is entirely tolerable, if you give it a chance. You can't stop thoughts, so just allow them to come. Anxiety can't hurt you; the REACTION to anxiety can hurt you. Disempower the anxiety, and you're gold.

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23 minutes ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said:

Thank you. I'll try and do as you suggest. I really appreciate your help and support xx

It can get much, much better than it is right now. You just need to put in the work, and not rely on someone or something (doctors, therapists, medications) to do with work for you. No one can help you but you. Only you can help you. You are so, so capable.

Edited by ohwhyhello
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