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Really worried I've become a pedophile.


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I read that they tend to engage with the thoughts and that's what I did. I was feeling aroused and I pressed my thighs together as a way of masturbation, a thought of my sister appeared and I engaged with it, I continued what I was doing and I thought about her. I understand it was an intrusive thought but I engaged with it... 

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I still don't know how to recognize intrusive thoughts, I know that I said it was one but I only suppose it was one. I'm going insane with all of this **** 

Edited by lily17
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Lily, why do you keep cluttering up the forum with OCD rituals? It starts to insult those who have tried to help you. OCD is a selfish (along with painful and absurd) disorder , but that doesn't mean you don't have some responsibility. 

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Guest OCDhavenobrain

Well said about OCD being selfish. OCD is false morality, beliefs grounded in anxiety, that is NOT how you are supposed to be when you are "good". I also find OCD to be very selfish. 

We can't know if you are a pedophile Lily.
 

Edited by OCDhavenobrain
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5 minutes ago, OCDhavenobrain said:

Well said. I also find OCD to be very selfish. 

We can't know if you are a pedophile Lily.
 

I know what I am and I've turned into a pedophile. My behaviour is not normal 

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Guest OCDhavenobrain
1 minute ago, lily17 said:

I know what I am and I've turned into a pedophile. My behaviour is not normal 

I don't know. Maybe you are, maybe you aren't.

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1 hour ago, lily17 said:

I know what I am and I've turned into a pedophile. My behaviour is not normal 

Lily I am not going to give you any reassurance because that's what you seek, but you really need to get a grip on this and you can start by not looking stuff up on the internet. That's a compulsion and that's what feeds OCD - but you know this, you are going to have to ignore the compulsive urge to look up and research paedophilia because your OCD will convince you that that is what you are. Start looking at the absurdity of the actions you do, deliberate or not. Using your tights as a way of masturbation? What? 

The more you engage trying to work stuff out,  the more convinced you'll be that you are what you fear - I know I had a similar episode last week and was drowning in guilt, until I got a grip and did not give in to the compulsion any longer - only then, and it wasn't easy, did my logic come into play - I knew what happened with me was absurd, so I ridiculed it until I felt so silly for worrying in the first place. 

 

You need to sort this out asap, do not engage - set yourself free from the puzzle by not working it out. 

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23 minutes ago, Atlantis said:

Lily I am not going to give you any reassurance because that's what you seek, but you really need to get a grip on this and you can start by not looking stuff up on the internet. That's a compulsion and that's what feeds OCD - but you know this, you are going to have to ignore the compulsive urge to look up and research paedophilia because your OCD will convince you that that is what you are. Start looking at the absurdity of the actions you do, deliberate or not. Using your tights as a way of masturbation? What? 

The more you engage trying to work stuff out,  the more convinced you'll be that you are what you fear - I know I had a similar episode last week and was drowning in guilt, until I got a grip and did not give in to the compulsion any longer - only then, and it wasn't easy, did my logic come into play - I knew what happened with me was absurd, so I ridiculed it until I felt so silly for worrying in the first place. 

 

You need to sort this out asap, do not engage - set yourself free from the puzzle by not working it out. 

Yes, squeezing your thighs is a way of female masturbation. You can look it up. 

 

As to what you have said about getting a grip about this, it's hard because I usually get tired and start to not care about it or ruminate until I grow old so I only hope it's the first one this time

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6 hours ago, lily17 said:

Yes, squeezing your thighs is a way of female masturbation. You can look it up. 

 

As to what you have said about getting a grip about this, it's hard because I usually get tired and start to not care about it or ruminate until I grow old so I only hope it's the first one this time

My apologies - I mis read thighs as tights, but even so Lily I think you were just testing yourself which is again an OCD compulsion.. 

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Lily, I really don't want to come across badly or cause offence, But why have you posted this?

You have been repeatedly given excellent advice by forum members and have had numerous threads closed for posting about the varying thoughts you have had.

You really need to take onboard the advice and start helping yourself to get better.

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12 hours ago, Atlantis said:

My apologies - I mis read thighs as tights, but even so Lily I think you were just testing yourself which is again an OCD compulsion.. 

I wasn't testing myself... I've done it all over again today because I fancy her, I've finally admitted it :( and now I want to die 

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Hi Lily, 

Are you able to discuss this with a doctor or psychiatrist? Are you on any medications like anti-depressants, or antipsychotics?

It might be worth printing out your post and the replies received, and showing it to a professional.

If you are on meds, it might be that it is skewing your thought process in an adverse way, & it might simply need a change of meds to get you back on course.

 

All the best. 

 

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Lily, I'm afraid that I am again going to close this thread.  Whilst I appreciate that you're feeling distressed you're not reaĺlly utilising any of the advice that would help you to improve your situation.  The forum is here to educate, advise and offer support to help people change how they react and respond to intrusive thoughts.  You don't really seem to be implementing any of the suggestions but continue to use the forum to carry out compulsions despite having been advised as to how and why this is harmful to your recovery.

It's time to accept that you have to take personal responsibility for making changes in your behaviour, I know it's challenging and scary but it's something all sufferers have to do.

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