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Having a breakdown - want to die


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Hi all,

So I've totally broken. My mind has snapped. I've had to leave my partner's flat where I was living and am on my way back to my parents' house. I don't know if my relationship is over or not.

I'm now terrified that I've contracted hiv from my partner. He showed me the results of the negative test he said he had done when we first got together, but this was only 2 weeks after he had what he says was protected sex with a female friend of his. So he could have contracted hiv and then as it would have been a recent infection, his viral loads would be high and so it would be high-risk to be having sex with him.

He told me that he'd had another test done 2 months after we were officially together and we didn't hear anything back from the sexual health clinic. So he rang them up whilst i was in the other room and then told me that it had come back negative. I trusted him and so we started having unprotected sex, with me on the pill.

Now I don't know if he even had the test done or what the result was. I'm terrified as he's been inconsistent in what he's been saying re the number of tests taken. I've just begged him to phone up the clinic and get them to text him the results of the most recent test to reassure me but he refuses to, saying that he won't indulge my ocd. I've had a breakdown! A simple 5 minute call could end all my fear. I'm now worrying why he won't do this. He's suffered from ocd himself so he knows how awful it is. Why won't he help me when he knows how terrified I am?! 

I'll now have to wait weeks before i can get myself tested and am so scared. I can't take anymore. I want to die. 

Please help me. 

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Your partner is right. 100%.

You are asking for reassurance. It's a compulsion and solves nothing. It only makes matters worse.

He got tested. That didn't satisfy you for long. He got tested again. That didn't satisfy you because you got anintrusive thought that he was lying. Now you want more reassurance. That won't work either. Pretty soon your mind will come up with another reason why one or both of you should be tested. And round and round you'll go.

This won't end with a text. You are making it continue with your compulsions.

Refuse to buy into OCD's lies. Don't get tested yourself. Stop asking your partner about his test. Leave it alone and get on with your life.

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I'm not certain now that he did get tested. I have so many doubts. I'm terrified that I'm hiv+. When I asked him for reassurance about the results, he said that they actually came back + every time and that he thought it would be funny to tell me whilst i was having a breakdown and that he also has cancer, mumps, syphilis and cat AIDS. I can't tell if he's being sarcastic or not. I think he is, as he has a sarcastic sense of humour, but my mind is now telling me that his tests DID come +. I'm broken. 

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Nothing is going to change unless you change your behavior. It will continue like this every day of your life until you take a stand against OCD. Why not start today? You need first and foremost to stop involving your partner in your compulsions. That is not fair to him.

 

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8 minutes ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said:

I can't tell if he's being sarcastic or not.

Right there is evidence you've lost insight and can't rely on your own judgement in these matters. Of course he was being sarcastic!

If you were thinking normally you'd have seen this was his way of trying to show you how ridiculous your HIV fears have become and you'd have been reassured by the sarcasm/joke instead of being upset by it. 

Polar Bear's advice was correct. Your partner is 100% right not to indulge your OCD fears with further tests or attempts at reassurance. A phone call to the clinic would only create more doubt - did the clinic get it wrong, did they give you the right person's results, what if the test was faulty and missed it....

Can you see for yourself how attempts at reassurance only fuel OCD? It doesn't bring the relief you think it will. 

2 negative tests didn't take away the fear or stop the doubt, so the desire to find relief escalated. You started to doubt the test results, doubted your partner - and now you've raised the stakes higher again in your quest for relief, putting your relationship on the line, prepared to sacrifice your happiness (and his) in an attempt to satisfy the demands your OCD makes. 

But this won't end here. The doubt will keep growing and the fear will get stronger... until you stop seeking reassurance and turn to face your demon. If you let it, OCD thinking will drive you to the brink where life itself doesn't seem worth living. If you believe in life beyond the grave then rest assured your OCD doubts will follow you there too. NOTHING will satisfy OCD except to stand up to it

You do that by not getting yourself tested, by accepting your partner is telling the truth, and by stopping ALL the compulsions which keep your OCD thinking going. There will be lots of them. Spend this time apart looking objectively at your behaviours. Try to identify your compulsions. This can be difficult when you've lost insight, so if necessary enlist the help of a therapist, or even a family member (they don't have to be an expert in OCD to see how skewed your thinking has become.) 

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Hi guys, thanks for your responses.  I'm at the point where life is unbearable. I'm constantly getting thoughts, I don't feel safe even at my parents' house as my dad gets cold sores and I'm thinking of a million ways in which I could contract herpes.

I'm seeing my therapist today but I've had a total breakdown - again. I don't think I'm strong enough to fight the ocd again. I'm constantly terrified and catastrophising. I'm crying all the time. My parents are ill from the stress of it all. There's no help from the nhs and I'm dosing myself up with diazepam and nytol just to get through the day - and night,  nights are the worst as i wake up and have crazy thoughts and don't know if they're real or not. I can't go on any longer. 

Hospitalization isn't an option as it's too expensive privately and nhs psych wards are  not a suitable environmemt. I'm desperate and broken. I'm trying to let the thoughts "be" and ride the anxiety wave, but I'm having constant panic attacks. I don't know how to cope with this.

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Guest OCDhavenobrain

The option is this for ever. Go for recovery and stop telling yourself that you can't. OCD is hard enough, it is like one of those matches where we are a 1 to 10 to win. It is comforting in a way to tell us all those stories, but you are getting nothing out of it. You are feeding a bully.

And you need to get a grip on your benzo intake. You need to take breakes, 3 days and then take a pause for 2 days. Read about benzo withdrawls on the internet when one is dependent. 

 

In this situation you need to survive minutes to minutes. Do what you have to do, go for walks and do not stay inside.

Edited by OCDhavenobrain
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Thanks for your replies. I know that i have to fight the b*stard ocd and am hoping that my therapy sessions will help.

I have to trust what my partner's been telling me and stop reassurance seeking and performing my compulsions. 

I have to stop relying on sedatives and take each day minute by minute. I have to stop catastrophising and start engaging rational brain.

I'll try my best as I can't go on like this.

What did/do you guys do when you were feeling desperate/suicidal to help yourselves? Any techniques for dealing with the anxiety/panic/ocd thoughts when they were at their worst? Thanks xx

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Guest OCDhavenobrain
1 hour ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said:

Thanks for your replies. I know that i have to fight the b*stard ocd and am hoping that my therapy sessions will help.

I have to trust what my partner's been telling me and stop reassurance seeking and performing my compulsions. 

I have to stop relying on sedatives and take each day minute by minute. I have to stop catastrophising and start engaging rational brain.

I'll try my best as I can't go on like this.

What did/do you guys do when you were feeling desperate/suicidal to help yourselves? Any techniques for dealing with the anxiety/panic/ocd thoughts when they were at their worst? Thanks xx

I go on very long walks and listen to music. Stop staying inside and try to find a solution. Occupy yourself

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4 hours ago, ThisIsNotMyIdeaOfAGoodTime said:

What did/do you guys do when you were feeling desperate/suicidal to help yourselves? Any techniques for dealing with the anxiety/panic/ocd thoughts when they were at their worst?

When my OCD was at its worst a few months ago, the only thing that I could really do was focus on what was right in front of me. You can't cure OCD all at once but you can say to yourself "for now, I will do nothing with these thoughts.  If I still want to find a solution, I can do it tomorrow, or in 30 minutes from now.  For now, I will just do nothing, leave the thoughts alone, and just breathe in and out, put one step in front of the other."

I used imagery.  I imagined my brain getting really hot, and a claxon going off.  I imagined myself getting on with my life regardless, and feeling my brain gradually cooling down and the alarm dying down.  Or - I'd think of my OCD as like a spotlight.  Whatever was in the spotlight felt like the most important thing in the history of the world, but I knew that if I just breathed and waited, eventually the spotlight would swing round to something else.

Beating OCD is a long game.  It is about ratcheting up the little wins.  Spend half an hour not doing compulsions.  Think: "huh, I just went half an hour without doing compulsions.  Go me.  I won this time." 

Say you get the urge to get tested or ask your partner to get tested.  Feel that sense of panic.  Think: "OK.  I am feeling panicky right now. So here's the deal.  I will resist the urge to act on this for the next fifteen minutes.  I will do something else. Then if I want to act on it then, I can." Then you do something else for fifteen minutes.  Another win.

Another time, you get the urge to google something to do with HIV.  The urge is very strong.  You think: "OK.  I am experiencing a really strong urge.  I can't resist the urge forever.  But maybe I can resist until tomorrow, or even for an hour." Then go and do something else.  Another win.

Eventually, these little wins start to build up.  You will take two steps forward, one step back, sometimes ten steps back.  But keep building up the little wins.  Eventually, they will start to add up.  And one day, you will wake up and realise you have started to feel a little better - you are starting to get your life back.  But that won't arrive right now, or tomorrow, or in a week from now.  It takes time.  You have to take a long view.  Every single time an obsession strikes, you have to think "would I rather have reassurance right now, knowing it will make my situation worse, or would I rather get better?" You have to choose getting better, one tiny step at a time.

I've noticed you often post saying things like "I can't resist, I am too ill, I'm not strong enough" etc.  You are telling your brain this, and your brain is listening.  You have to take control back.  You can get better from this, just like the many many other people who have got better from very severe OCD.  It is totally treatable.  But you have to believe that, you have to dig deep and find that strength inside yourself. 

Edited by gingerbreadgirl
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Thank you so much for your replies. I really appreciate your taking the time to help and advise me.

You're right, GBG, that this is going to be a marathon, but I just need to take it step by step and keep on trucking. As Dory says, just keep swimming...

Thank you everyone for all your support. I hope to return the favour when I'm a bit better and can support others on here. You guys are awesome!! Xx

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