Why is it important that we agree with the thoughts?

[taurean]

That's good - now you can see this for the waste or time nonsense the OCD thinking truly is - it's a good achievement. 

2 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

hope he doesn't put the messages on the Internet for everyone to see. 

That's another bit of exaggeration of minimum risk. Why would he wish to do that?  Very much more likely would be concern that this thing would have been bugging you.

When we react in this way it's like there is a scanner on top of us, seeking out catastrophic thoughts to focus on. 

We have to learn to ignore any such errant intrusive thoughts, or connections to intrusive thoughts, that the scanner homes in on. 

[Headwreck]

Thanks Taurean. I'm going to keep trying to make a conscious effort to leave this alone. I can sit here and say it is not OCD but 9 months of the same worry day in day out immediately after 4 years of a similar worry day in day out says otherwise. My behaviour today has shown me how fast the worries chop and change as well. Again, not normal. Someone who was OCD free would not do or suffer either of these things I've just mentioned.

What's the worst that can happen? I already worry myself sick thinking I've done it yet still here, I obviously know better somewhere deep down. It also has a synthetic feel to it, just like the past worry, not sure if anyone will understand that. So why not just ignore it and see what comes of it? Here's to trying. Again. 

Edited July 5, 2018 by Headwreck

[PolarBear]

14 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I'm a mess at my desk in work. I've gone and messaged the two people involved to see if I've done anything. I couldn't help it, if I just knew if I did something then it would put some clarity on the main problem. But the main problem doesn't even feel so bad anymore. What is happening, why won't this stop. 

It won't stop because you keep feeding the OCD with compulsions.

[St Mike]

14 hours ago, Headwreck said:

Thanks St Mike, Binxy, GBG and Taurean for all being there today. Was having a serious meltdown. Feel very embarrassed about contacting that person I've not spoken to for years, even he said 'you're thinking about things from 6years ago?' he must think I'm crazy. It's like I do these things in a trance. I hope he doesn't put the messages on the Internet for everyone to see. 

I usually try and do it as a 'day by day' basis, try to go one day without thinking about it. Currently, using that method I have 0 days out of 273 (9 months. Makes me sick just to think I've thought about this for that long). I have obviously got to change tact. I'll try the minute by minute approach, anything else is biting off more than I can chew I think. So bloody tired. 

You are most welcome, Headwreck.

You must watch against being suck into rumination.  This is one compulsion you are highly vulnerable to. It is also a very bad mental habit, with or without OCD.

Your focus should be kept in the real-world, not the land of make-believe and irrationality deep inside your OCD afflicted mind.

Always bring yourself back to reality, to the present moment to where ever you are and to whatever you are doing when you catch yourself slipping into rumination.

I've practised this method-mindfulness of the present for over a decade. It has kept me sane and a much happier person, something which I am so thankful for.

 

[taurean]

2 hours ago, St Mike said:

Always bring yourself back to reality, to the present moment to where ever you are and to whatever you are doing when you catch yourself slipping into rumination.

I've practised this method-mindfulness of the present for over a decade. It has kept me sane and a much happier person, something which I am so thankful for.

I use this mindfulness method too. I would note an intrusion, then leave it be (it's just my silly obsession)  then gently but firmly steer myself back into the here and now, and throw down a metophical "anchor" to tether myself there. 

I am now good at this and it happens automatically. Result?  No connections, no compulsions, no disorder - and rarely an intrusion. 

Edited July 6, 2018 by taurean

[Headwreck]

Yeah, rumination is massive for me, it always has been even since I was a child. I've always been known as an overthinker and a worrier and it's very easy for me to find somewhere quiet and just sit and think for hours, not only about this but just everything in general. I don't remember a time where I've had nothing to analyse. I don't actually remember the last time I was happy so maybe there is a lot more wrong than just this. I feel my 20s have been hellish, miserable and I've missed out on a lot of living. With no friends and a family who aren't really interested, I'm not sure how I rectify that now. 

Anyway I'm feeling quite tearful and anxious, chest is beating hard but I'm taking the leap of faith today as surely it can't be any worse than it has been. My mind is telling me I must recount this event, I must think about it, I'm a cheat and I'm just choosing to ignore that, throwing snippets of the night at me (real ones) which are making me panic. But I'm trying not to play ball. Saying 'no' and moving on. A song came on the radio that has connections to the night out. I forced myself to sit and sing along. Feel like it's counterproductive though as I'm now living in my head instead of in the now in order to tell these thoughts 'no' if that makes sense. 

 

Edited July 6, 2018 by Headwreck

[St Mike]

1 hour ago, Headwreck said:

it's very easy for me to find somewhere quiet and just sit and think for hours, not only about this but just everything in general.

Now you know how destructive and toxic, rumination is, you have to re-condition your mind not to do it anymore. Such a compulsion makes you lose touch with reality and barges into real-life by seeding it with the irrationality, nonsense and falsehoods conjured up during your rumination. It blurs the line between what is real and what is make-believe and causes the sufferer to lose lots of insight. The sufferer take the untruth to be the truth and either doubt the truth or totally can't see the truth anymore.

Other than going for therapy, do you have hobbies such as talking nature walks or listening to music?

I have some tips which you could use when you perform such activities.

It can help strengthen your mindfulness and wouldn't interfere with your therapy at all.

 

Edited July 6, 2018 by St Mike

[St Mike]

1 hour ago, taurean said:

I use this mindfulness method too. I would note an intrusion, then leave it be (it's just my silly obsession)  then gently but firmly steer myself back into the here and now, and throw down a metophical "anchor" to tether myself there. 

I am now good at this and it happens automatically. Result?  No connections, no compulsions, no disorder - and rarely an intrusion. 

That's great Roy.

I am glad that I am not the only one to benefit from such a practice.

[Headwreck]

1 hour ago, St Mike said:

Now you know how destructive and toxic, rumination is, you have to re-condition your mind not to do it anymore. Such a compulsion makes you lose touch with reality and barges into real-life by seeding it with the irrationality, nonsense and falsehoods conjured up during your rumination. It blurs the line between what is real and what is make-believe and causes the sufferer to lose lots of insight. The sufferer take the untruth to be the truth and either doubt the truth or totally can't see the truth anymore.

Other than going for therapy, do you have hobbies such as talking nature walks or listening to music?

I have some tips which you could use when you perform such activities.

It can help strengthen your mindfulness and wouldn't interfere with your therapy at all.

 

I have thought about this so much that I don't think there is any other possible outcome than 'I did this'. Although as soon as this started, straight away I thought I had done it. That's why it amazes me that I've sat with it for the last two years without it bugging me? I also have the compulsive need to ask myself if I knew all along, try to remember knowing about it etc. which is something I've not heard anyone do before even in OCD terms but I'm finding more and more evidence to say I've known about it all along. So now I think I've always known but somehow forgotten or lied to myself about it until now. Silly I know, you either know or you don't. 

I used to enjoy music a lot but I very rarely listen anymore as I zone out. I went to a massive stadium concert the other week and even there I was ruminating and being triggered. Safe to say I didn't enjoy it even though I should have. I also enjoy computer games, I've found a lot of solace in that recently as I really immerse myself into them and forget everything for a few hours. Podcasts are a big one for me as well, I love British true crime stories and I also listen to The OCD Stories as well although don't know if I should be. Any tips would be massively appreciated when it comes to concentration or averting thoughts, I'm no longer in therapy as I can't afford it so having to attempt to fix this myself. Thanks so much. 

Edited July 6, 2018 by Headwreck

[taurean]

It's a fine line between responding to the thought, trying to neutralise it, or (correct)  just being dismissive. Look for the simply being dismissive, shrugging it off, approach. 

And the more we think about something, the more the belief grows that there might be truth in it. 

We have to take the leap of faith, if necessary, that OCD is present and in OCD there is no truth. 

If you have the book "Break Free From OCD"  check out the section on behavioural experiments, which helps sufferers accept this. If you don't have it, I recommend you buy it. 

[Headwreck]

7 minutes ago, taurean said:

It's a fine line between responding to the thought, trying to neutralise it, or (correct)  just being dismissive. Look for the simply being dismissive, shrugging it off, approach. 

And the more we think about something, the more the belief grows that there might be truth in it. 

We have to take the leap of faith, if necessary, that OCD is present and in OCD there is no truth. 

If you have the book "Break Free From OCD"  check out the section on behavioural experiments, which helps sufferers accept this. If you don't have it, I recommend you buy it. 

Thanks Taurean, I have this book, I'm half way through it but was struggling to make it feel relevant to me then started worrying about not having OCD. I'm going to keep reading it and trying the exercises. I don't have the belief that it's OCD but hoping in time I will. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

5 hours ago, Headwreck said:

Thanks Taurean, I have this book, I'm half way through it but was struggling to make it feel relevant to me then started worrying about not having OCD. I'm going to keep reading it and trying the exercises. I don't have the belief that it's OCD but hoping in time I will. 

No book will ever have the exact same theme as you because OCD can be about a billion different themes.  No book can ever give you certainty that you have OCD.  Neither can this forum, or anything else.  You just have to take the leap of faith and treat it like OCD even though you're not at all sure that's what it is.  Eventually, if you stick with it day after day, you will start to see it for what it is.  But you have to put the cart before the horse.  It's totally non-intuitive and it can feel almost impossible to ignore everything your brain is telling you, everything that seems so true.  But it's the only way. 

[St Mike]

On 06/07/2018 at 18:13, Headwreck said:

I have thought about this so much that I don't think there is any other possible outcome than 'I did this'. Although as soon as this started, straight away I thought I had done it. That's why it amazes me that I've sat with it for the last two years without it bugging me? I also have the compulsive need to ask myself if I knew all along, try to remember knowing about it etc. which is something I've not heard anyone do before even in OCD terms but I'm finding more and more evidence to say I've known about it all along. So now I think I've always known but somehow forgotten or lied to myself about it until now. Silly I know, you either know or you don't. 

I used to enjoy music a lot but I very rarely listen anymore as I zone out. I went to a massive stadium concert the other week and even there I was ruminating and being triggered. Safe to say I didn't enjoy it even though I should have. I also enjoy computer games, I've found a lot of solace in that recently as I really immerse myself into them and forget everything for a few hours. Podcasts are a big one for me as well, I love British true crime stories and I also listen to The OCD Stories as well although don't know if I should be. Any tips would be massively appreciated when it comes to concentration or averting thoughts, I'm no longer in therapy as I can't afford it so having to attempt to fix this myself. Thanks so much. 

I am preparing something simple to aid you in shifting focus. Once I'm done, I will post it on this thread.

[taurean]

1 hour ago, St Mike said:

I am preparing something simple to aid you in shifting focus. Once I'm done, I will post it on this thread.

Might I suggest you copy it over and make it a separate topic too, Mike? It will likely be helpful to others.

[Headwreck]

Thanks Mike. 

If I'm honest the issues are now the feeling of guilt, the feeling of having done something, I think we sat next to each other and held hands and maybe kissed. The feeling of guilt is immense and I can't move my attention away from that. And now I'm stuck 4 hours from home in a place I don't want to be with someone who I don't deserve to be with. He deserves more. 

Edited July 9, 2018 by Headwreck

[Headwreck]

And also at the moment I'm quite anxious. I know the anxiety will drop later but when it does I check to see if I still feel like I've done it and I still believe I have even when my anxiety isn't bad. This isn't typical of OCD as the drop in anxiety would surely equal clarity. Maybe my clarity is the knowledge I have already which I keep fighting against and denying. Think I'm just going to try to sleep for the rest of today and tonight until I can go home tomorrow. 

Edited July 9, 2018 by Headwreck

[taurean]

22 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

And also at the moment I'm quite anxious. I know the anxiety will drop later but when it does I check to see if I still feel like I've done it and I still believe I have even when my anxiety isn't bad. This isn't typical of OCD as the drop in anxiety would surely equal clarity. Maybe my clarity is the knowledge I have already which I keep fighting against and denying. Think I'm just going to try to sleep for the rest of today and tonight until I can go home tomorrow. 

No you are wrong here. You are putting a case for the intrusions being true, but it isn't factual - and you are believing assumptions. 

And you need to break out of this cycle of repetitive thoughts, analysing and then response through compulsions. 

Off to the dentist shortly so can't myself comment more right now. But this is where you need to do the work. Maybe others will pick up on it meantime. 

I have been where you are now - just wanted to sleep and be home again. But we can work on and overcome this phase. I personally know that. 

Best wishes 

Roy

 

[Headwreck]

50 minutes ago, taurean said:

No you are wrong here. You are putting a case for the intrusions being true, but it isn't factual - and you are believing assumptions. 

And you need to break out of this cycle of repetitive thoughts, analysing and then response through compulsions. 

Off to the dentist shortly so can't myself comment more right now. But this is where you need to do the work. Maybe others will pick up on it meantime. 

I have been where you are now - just wanted to sleep and be home again. But we can work on and overcome this phase. I personally know that. 

Best wishes 

Roy

 

I've been trying so hard. I really have. It's my birthday today and I've spent most of it locked in the hotel bathroom sobbing or trying to sleep, I've ruined the break away because now my partner wants to go home. I keep asking myself, what if it isn't ocd? I know nobody would ask themselves that if they were normal. Unless it was because they're used to using it as an excuse. I don't want to be here anymore, I can't do it anymore. 

I don't want to live a life where I'm concealing something like that from my partner. Yes I know it's in the past etc but this is a massive breach of trust and I'd bet my last pound that any couple who found out the other half had cheated, even years ago, would not forgive and would certainly split, past or not. By any means, this would be how my partner would deal with it. The only reason why I don't confess is because it might be a compulsion. I don't think it was sexual contact now as much as I did but maybe a kiss as I remember being sat by him, even that is bad enough. I can't spend my life with someone knowing this. Under false pretences. 

I don't know what I expect anyone to do here. You have all offered so much help but it is wasted on me I think. It just baffles me that I didn't think anything of this night for two years and now all of a sudden it's all I ever think about. Unless something else panics me and then I forget about it until the other panic has gone. 

Edited July 9, 2018 by Headwreck

[taurean]

Help is never wasted. We all go through this, the doubts the fears the urges and with help and support we do get better. 

You are just on the start of getting that help. 

This is the bestest place to aid recovery, just believe in what we tell you. 

[PolarBear]

1 hour ago, Headwreck said:

I've been trying so hard. I really have. It's my birthday today and I've spent most of it locked in the hotel bathroom sobbing or trying to sleep, I've ruined the break away because now my partner wants to go home. I keep asking myself, what if it isn't ocd? I know nobody would ask themselves that if they were normal. Unless it was because they're used to using it as an excuse. I don't want to be here anymore, I can't do it anymore. 

I don't want to live a life where I'm concealing something like that from my partner. Yes I know it's in the past etc but this is a massive breach of trust and I'd bet my last pound that any couple who found out the other half had cheated, even years ago, would not forgive and would certainly split, past or not. By any means, this would be how my partner would deal with it. The only reason why I don't confess is because it might be a compulsion. I don't think it was sexual contact now as much as I did but maybe a kiss as I remember being sat by him, even that is bad enough. I can't spend my life with someone knowing this. Under false pretences. 

I don't know what I expect anyone to do here. You have all offered so much help but it is wasted on me I think. It just baffles me that I didn't think anything of this night for two years and now all of a sudden it's all I ever think about. Unless something else panics me and then I forget about it until the other panic has gone. 

This is you ruminating about intrusive thoughts. Going over it all yet again.

The simple FACT of the matter is you do not know, with any degree of certainty, that you held hands with and kissed this guy. You don't. You've invented that to help explain your thoughts and the way you feel. 

[Headwreck]

I just want this to end. The whole lot of it. Everything is wrong. The only release I get now is knowing I can end my life once I get the courage to do so, I pray to whatever higher source there may be that it happens soon. I'd give anything to not wake up tomorrow. The truth is I can't live knowing there is a possibility that I did something. I put myself in a position where it is likely it did and I have sat for years since feeling sorry for myself because I thought my partner had done it to me so deserved everything he got. He doesn't deserve this or anything I have put him through previously. He says if I leave him he will kill himself. So I have to stay and live knowing this even though he'd want me to leave if he knew. 

Is this ruminating? Maybe. But it's all valid. Is it OCD? Possibly but even if it is, that doesn't make me innocent, just makes me able to live with the fact I've done wrong. How long will I be thinking about this, another 4 year habit? And if this passes? What will it be next, probably back blaming him for another four years. Then something else after that. What is the point. I've reached my limit. 

Edited July 9, 2018 by Headwreck

[Headwreck]

It's also driving me insane that one day I'll be worried about a fact or memory from the night and then the next day that won't bother me and it will be something else about the night instead, then it will stay for a few days and then something else from the night will be my focus. I remember this being a 'thing' when I was worried about my partner and I don't know if this is normal or not. I feel like I'm such a revolting person and I've made mistakes but I'm losing my mind at the same time. It takes nothing to stress me out or tip me over the edge in life. 

[taurean]

Just now, Headwreck said:

It's also driving me insane that one day I'll be worried about a fact or memory from the night and then the next day that won't bother me and it will be something else about the night instead, then it will stay for a few days and then something else from the night will be my focus. I remember this being a 'thing' when I was worried about my partner and I don't know if this is normal or not. I feel like I'm such a revolting person and I've made mistakes but I'm losing my mind at the same time. It takes nothing to stress me out or tip me over the edge in life. 

So you are not the only one. You can change this. I was a serious compulsive worrier, but I learned how not to be - so you can too.

[PolarBear]

Two things.

You're still stuck on the position that if you kissed a guy it is the worst possible thing in the world. It's not. It's overstated, it's silly and is just way too dramatic. You could have done much worse than kiss some guy. Try to put this in perspective. You're making this out to be something it is not. And that is after the very real fact that you do not know if you kissed some guy and you will never know for sure.

Your OCD may switch topics, tommorrow, next Tuesday or four years from now. It will become all consuming again unless you start putting into practice what you have been taught.

[Headwreck]

4 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Two things.

You're still stuck on the position that if you kissed a guy it is the worst possible thing in the world. It's not. It's overstated, it's silly and is just way too dramatic. You could have done much worse than kiss some guy. Try to put this in perspective. You're making this out to be something it is not. And that is after the very real fact that you do not know if you kissed some guy and you will never know for sure.

Your OCD may switch topics, tommorrow, next Tuesday or four years from now. It will become all consuming again unless you start putting into practice what you have been taught.

Sometimes I think we kissed and other times I think there was something sexual, it depends. I don't know why this changes. Before now I thought nothing of it as never gave a second thought into the night out. 

I'm OK for a spell resisting the thoughts, I did OK yesterday as I had stuff taking my mind off, but there comes a point where you feel like you're just in denial and it just gets too much even to the point where switching focus won't work. I think because I didn't play ball yesterday then I've been getting pelted with everything today to make up for it.