Real thought - appreciate advice

[njb]

Hi,

I've been having physio to return to work post back op and it was suggested to have x ray for leg length discrepancy.

I looked at a few pages online and came across an x ray from hips down which I assumed was a woman and thought she had shapely legs, bum and even bits (in so much as you can see from an x ray) and didnt think much more of it like blokes do.

I then read the article and turns out the x ray was of a young child. I looked at the x ray again and could see this but then could equally see as a women again and have been allowing my ocd to obsess over this for days now.

Whereas I am used to my ocd spiking me with all things children and underage this feels different as I know I saw it as attractive at first thinking it was a woman and I feel like it's not ocd bar of course my obsessing since Monday endlessly. I am particularly stuck as I feel like it is all true as ocd had nothing to do with the initial thought.

Having said that when I spike at times I guess I see what I think is attractive and then spike simultaneously as I  realise it's not what I like. I remember years back before this obsession being able to shrug off instantaneous errors, for example thinking someone from a distance looked nice but then not when got closer as younger etc. I guess what I am getting at is I thought the x ray was older so I perceived as such but feel terrible anxiety now due to obsession as before this theme I would have shrugged it off. When spiking in public I'm usually on high alert so my ocd is always there. I'm so lost. It's like I've 100% evidence I'm a paedo but I won't accept it. I liked it until I found out. But is that any different to seeing someone on tv and thinking they are sexy only to find out they look older due to make up and clothes and then not liking them. Difference is that I usually realise instantly and almost all the time I know in going to spike as I'm subconsciously scanning people and it feels as if the trigger of 'you like that' is in charge. In other words I walk about when bad simply dreading the inevitable spike but this was me at leisure. Can I just shrug off? I would advise myself to.

My rational side says I looked at what I thought was an adult on an x ray and did the bloke thing and need to shrug it off not least because it's an x ray with no context but I'm freaking out as if I would or do now like children. I can see some similarities with spikes over children say I see a shapely part and think of it as adult and then instantly know it's a child etc but this has made me feel like it's revealed the horrible real me because I looked and liked and therefore it's all true. There was no ocd involved at all until I realised the age. Feels different from normal occasions as I would usually get that awful feeling of knowng I'd spikes at same time thinking I liked.

Again my logic says shrug it off as I was already assuming a woman and it's an x ray with no context and my ocd is loving this. I worry now that i like pictures of young kids.

Difference is that where I spike normally I can refer to my ocd as I sense it is involved but this was a genuine error and so I feel disgusted but maybe ocd is the thing making me obsess whereas someone without would just forget it as meaningless. Without context and an x ray is hardly me liking pictures of kids (I hope with my life).

So in conclusion, I am trying to think it's just what it is and I'm letting ocd latch onto this?

Please reply. Been doing so well lately. All the best.

Njb

Edited June 28, 2018 by njb

[Gemma7]

6 hours ago, njb said:

So in conclusion, I am trying to think it's just what it is and I'm letting ocd latch onto this?

This is correct and it shows how far you have come that you can see it this way

All thoughts are unimportant and anyone could have thought what you did about the x-ray pic, the only difference is someone without OCD would probably think oh well that's a bit cringe, nevermind and move on. OCD is implying that simply having the thought means something, it really doesn’t. 

Keep going with ignoring this, you are doing well. 

[njb]

Just now, Gemma7 said:

This is correct and it shows how far you have come that you can see it this way

All thoughts are unimportant and anyone could have thought what you did about the x-ray pic, the only difference is someone without OCD would probably think oh well that's a bit cringe, nevermind and move on. OCD is implying that simply having the thought means something, it really doesn’t. 

Keep going with ignoring this, you are doing well. 

Hi gemma.

So grateful for your reply. Just the encouragement I needed. Bless you and hope you are well.

[PolarBear]

Your opening post was one long rumination. And this situation is exactly like all the others. You got an intrusive thought that you did something wrong. You panicked and got anxious. You likely ruminated like crazy over it, likely looking at the xray again to test your reaction. All compulsions.

Shrig it off and get on with your day.

[njb]

9 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Your opening post was one long rumination. And this situation is exactly like all the others. You got an intrusive thought that you did something wrong. You panicked and got anxious. You likely ruminated like crazy over it, likely looking at the xray again to test your reaction. All compulsions.

Shrig it off and get on with your day.

Hi polar.

Thanks as always for taking the time to shove me in right direction. 

Onwards and upwards.

Take care.

Njb