Good bye.

[lily17]

I'm saying good bye to the forum because I have discovered what I really am: a pedophile. So there's no place for me here, after having masturbated to my little sister there is no doubt. Good bye you all, thank you for all of your help. 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

This forum is making you worse. Good decision

Hope your therapist is good and that you can start to do the work, no matter if you are a pedophile or not.  Good luck Lily!

Edited June 28, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[lostinme]

Lily remember OCD is totally convincing. I'm sure that lots of us when we are in the depth of despair have thought we are what we fear because of it. It doesn't mean it's true. If we didn't believe it to be true we wouldn't have a disorder now would we. 

You need to work hard along side your therapist and start to understand what OCD is, only then will you start to make progress. 

Your a young girl in the depths of despair doing all the compulsions and believing you are what you fear. You need to start working through this with your therapist and you can start to turn this around. 

Believe me lily it's possible

Lost x

[Hal]

4 hours ago, lily17 said:

I'm saying good bye to the forum because I have discovered what I really am: a pedophile. 

You've discovered no such thing lily what you've done is performed another checking compulsion...and in a roundabout way, this topic's also a means for gaining reassurance, another compulsion.

This always comes back to what Lost's saying around working more to really understand what OCD is....at the moment you're doing all the wrong things in response to the thoughts and wondering why things aren't improving for you.

It has to your decision whether or not to leave, maybe a good halfway solution would be to take some time over the next week or so to re-read through the replies you've received over the last couple of months, and jot down anything you're not sure about for clarification here or with your therapist.

From memory, didn't Ashley give you a couple of templates showing in detail what OCD is and how to tackle it, maybe those would be a good place to start, could you print those off to refresh your memory?

Are you prepared to roll up your sleeves and do some real work to get well again? Ultimately that's what it comes down to for us all.

All the advice and support in the world can only do so much, real progress will only come if you work at and keep implementing the recommendations you've received.

Come on lily, today's a fresh start....make those changes

 

[St Mike]

Good choice, Lily.

You have lost insight and the forum is not the right place for you at the moment as it serves only as a place for you to do repeated compulsions.

Continue to work with your therapist and do the homework your therapist has given you.

Good Luck and Take care.

Edited June 28, 2018 by St Mike

[Ashley]

I am going to take a different approach from others.

I don't believe the forum is the wrong place for you Lily.  Yes there is some issues with your insight Lily, but that was the same when you joined, and is the same when you're away from the forum.

Whilst we have clearly not helped you find that insight, I don't think the problem is the forum itself.  Somehow you need to find a way to take risks with the OCD Lily and acknowledge the thoughts are OCD, and start doing something to address them (i.e. fight, not engage in testing compulsions).

If you are taking a forum break then I hope you can find a way to do that, but if you want to use the forum you are welcome anytime and whilst I am not around myself for a while, I pledge that myself and my team will continue to work with you to help you find the key to unlock that door that will shine a light on this.

[lostinme]

Lily, I’m really hoping by sharing this it will shed some light on this for you and you can start to see that they are both the same even though they are different. 

Me: my obsession is harming someone

Intrusive thought: I’ve put bleach in our drinks

Compulsion/ reassurance behaviour: fill and refill the kettle several times before using it because I fear I might have done this? 

 

You: obsession your a pedophile 

Intrusive thought: You feel attracted to your sister

Compulsion/ reassurance behaviour: masturbating because you fear that you are attracted to her?

Both are the same principle even though they are very different, can you see they are both the same? Just different themes and different behaviours. 

Hope this helps you a little, I just think your a little lost understanding what’s happening to you that’s all and you need a little help and support to start to understand OCD more 

[felix4]

Lilly,

You need to cut down and ultimately stop the forum reassurance seeking compulsion. You are clearly very anxious, and should discuss how you are doing with your psychiatrist and therapist, and work with them!

It was not so long ago that you posted this  

So keep it in mind what the official diagnosis was and is.

Quote

Posted November 28, 2017

Hello everyone, I’ve just met with my psychiatrist for the first time and he officially diagnosed me with OCD, which relieved me a lot. He also told me I literally am the antithesis of what I believe that I am and that my case is “book OCD” (I don’t know if I got this expression right. If not, forgive me ) 

I just wanted you all to know that. Thanks for your unceasing advice and support. Let’s keep fighting all together x 

I wish you all the best.

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

I am afraid that was just a normal response which we all get when we get reassurance. It never last. I myself got extacic when i heard from an doctor with the newest tools that i wasn't damaged. Took 2 days and i was back fearing. 

I also do agree to that you need some help Lily but you also need to change here, you need to start trying to recover and not only searching for reassurance. 

I agree with the first thing you wrote. Soo important that Lily starts to work with her therapist, or maybe change if the current is bad.

 

Lily is an intelligent human and she gets ton of reassurance from this forum. She know that we can't give reassurance so even a hint of reassurance lifts her anxiety. I say this because it is the same obsession she have posted about. It have a context. You can't just say that to everything which is posted here. No matter if it is Lily or someone else who posts.

Edited June 29, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[lily17]

Thank you guys for all your replies. I've decided not to leave forum I'm gonna stick around

[lily17]

On 28/06/2018 at 22:31, Ashley said:

I am going to take a different approach from others.

I don't believe the forum is the wrong place for you Lily.  Yes there is some issues with your insight Lily, but that was the same when you joined, and is the same when you're away from the forum.

Whilst we have clearly not helped you find that insight, I don't think the problem is the forum itself.  Somehow you need to find a way to take risks with the OCD Lily and acknowledge the thoughts are OCD, and start doing something to address them (i.e. fight, not engage in testing compulsions).

If you are taking a forum break then I hope you can find a way to do that, but if you want to use the forum you are welcome anytime and whilst I am not around myself for a while, I pledge that myself and my team will continue to work with you to help you find the key to unlock that door that will shine a light on this.

Ashley, if you think it was a testing compulsion, it was not. I did it because I felt attracted to her and now my OCD is fixating on it a lot and making me feel miserable. 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

How is it going with the therapy?

Edited June 30, 2018 by OCDhavenobrain

[lily17]

1 minute ago, OCDhavenobrain said:

How is it going with the therapy?

I haven't seen my therapist this week but pretty much the same ****, I've already asked her twice to do CBT with her but she seems to be pretty reluctant to do it because she doesn't apply x therapy to x person if you know what I mean 

[lily17]

You can all think it's OCD but I know that it's not. I squeezed my thighs together thinking about her (no sexual images or images of her at all, just the thought of her) and I even smelled a pillow of hers while doing so, this is completely gross and all I want to do is cry because I feel so desperate, I can't believe that I've done this **** 

Edited June 30, 2018 by lily17

[Caramoole]

Are you enjoying these sexual behaviours Lily?  Does it give you great pleasure and enjoyment?  Are these incidents occasions that leave you feeling happy and fulfilled?

[lily17]

2 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Are you enjoying these sexual behaviours Lily?  Does it give you great pleasure and enjoyment?  Are these incidents occasions that leave you feeling happy and fulfilled?

No, absolutely not. They're making me feel suicidal

[Caramoole]

21 minutes ago, lily17 said:

No, absolutely not. They're making me feel suicidal

And what about paedophiles, are they wracked with anxiety and despair do you think, like you? Or do they do these things because they find them enjoyable?  

[lily17]

13 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

And what about paedophiles, are they wracked with anxiety and despair do you think, like you? Or do they do these things because they find them enjoyable?  

I think they find truly joy in what they do and not what I felt, because it might have been mixed with the enjoyable feeling of masturbation itself

[Caramoole]

And what do you know about OCD Lily?  Does the disorder have the ability to make people have fears where they have thoughts about harming or killing people, about incest, about committing awful indecent acts, about paedophilia.  Can these feelings be so strong that sufferers believe them......or is this all just rubbish?  Are those specialists who treat OCD and write books and papers just making it up, just covering peoples crimes and leaving potentially dangerous criminals on the streets?  What do you think Lily?

[lily17]

13 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

And what do you know about OCD Lily?  Does the disorder have the ability to make people have fears where they have thoughts about harming or killing people, about incest, about committing awful indecent acts, about paedophilia.  Can these feelings be so strong that sufferers believe them......or is this all just rubbish?  Are those specialists who treat OCD and write books and papers just making it up, just covering peoples crimes and leaving potentially dangerous criminals on the streets?  What do you think Lily?

All I know is that people with pedophile OCD don't masturbate (not a test) to what they fear. Yes, they have fears and all but they don't give in to their fears like I have done... 

[Caramoole]

And what's your evidence?  What's your categoric evidence that this isn't testing?  How do you know people don't give in to their fears?  You see I have been on this forum for 14 years now and in that time I can tell you that I have seen hundreds of people claiming the same as you, that they have given in to their fears and that they are evil people.  Are they all telling lies do you think?  You're telling me people don't give in to their fears and yet, I've seen many, many who say the same as you, they are the only one and it must mean they are a paedophile, dangerous or whatever.

One of us is wrong here Lily, you , me, the specialists who deal with this daily.  What about those OCD specialists.....you didn't answer that question?  What are they playing at, covering up for and making excuses for people who have feelings and fears like you?

[lily17]

45 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

And what's your evidence?  What's your categoric evidence that this isn't testing?  How do you know people don't give in to their fears?  You see I have been on this forum for 14 years now and in that time I can tell you that I have seen hundreds of people claiming the same as you, that they have given in to their fears and that they are evil people.  Are they all telling lies do you think?  You're telling me people don't give in to their fears and yet, I've seen many, many who say the same as you, they are the only one and it must mean they are a paedophile, dangerous or whatever.

One of us is wrong here Lily, you , me, the specialists who deal with this daily.  What about those OCD specialists.....you didn't answer that question?  What are they playing at, covering up for and making excuses for people who have feelings and fears like you?

I don't have the proof that it was testing or not I just know I felt attracted to her and did it. I just see it as a horrible mistake that should never be made again...

[Caramoole]

1 hour ago, lily17 said:

I just know I felt attracted to her and did it

But do you?  Attraction = Desire.  A feeling made up of many things.....Happiness, desire, excitement, longing, wanting, etc etc.  Do you feel these emotions?  Or do you have a "thought" "I fancy my little Sister"? followed by emotions that = Repulsion = Fear = Anxiety = Self-Loathing = Panic = Despair?  Which sounds like the closest description to how you feel?

And the "Did it" (thinking emotionally not physically) was that for pleasure, excitement, thrill, happiness, loving feelings........ or was it to "check" how you felt, to check what reaction you'd have?  Which sounds the closest description of those two?

[lily17]

16 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

But do you?  Attraction = Desire.  A feeling made up of many things.....Happiness, desire, excitement, longing, wanting, etc etc.  Do you feel these emotions?  Or do you have a "thought" "I fancy my little Sister"? followed by emotions that = Repulsion = Fear = Anxiety = Self-Loathing = Panic = Despair?  Which sounds like the closest description to how you feel?

And the "Did it" (thinking emotionally not physically) was that for pleasure, excitement, thrill, happiness, loving feelings........ or was it to "check" how you felt, to check what reaction you'd have?  Which sounds the closest description of those two?

It sounds like I did it for pleasure, yeah I'd definitely done that for it. But then again, I did it over and over again to check my reaction and I came up with a horrible reaction so I don't know which one to trust... 

[lily17]

23 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

But do you?  Attraction = Desire.  A feeling made up of many things.....Happiness, desire, excitement, longing, wanting, etc etc.  Do you feel these emotions?  Or do you have a "thought" "I fancy my little Sister"? followed by emotions that = Repulsion = Fear = Anxiety = Self-Loathing = Panic = Despair?  Which sounds like the closest description to how you feel?

And the "Did it" (thinking emotionally not physically) was that for pleasure, excitement, thrill, happiness, loving feelings........ or was it to "check" how you felt, to check what reaction you'd have?  Which sounds the closest description of those two?

I wish I could say I felt anxiety, fear, self-loathing in the moment I did it but I didn't... Those feelings came after doing it, minutes after doing it. Then what should I think, Caramoole?