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Hi all,

I just wanted to share a positive update.  As some of you will know, at the end of last year/beginning of this year I had a really bad OCD relapse and it was the worst it had ever been.  I was in a huge state.  I was doing compulsions like mad and my quality of life was pretty low.  Christmas was ruined, I took some time off sick, things were pretty bad, I felt like this was it now and the future was looking pretty bleak.  I tried to carry out the CBT steps I'd learned but it wouldn't stick - the lure of compulsions was sooooo strong.  I felt like a car stuck in the snow, chugging and chugging but going nowhere.

Fast forward to now and things are looking good, so much so that I'd say I'm back to where I was before the relapse.  Not recovered, but in a much better place.  Thanks to this forum, and the patience and kindness shown by the members here, who led me by the hand time and time again.  

I've done CBT pretty much every single day for several months - as in sat down with a pen and paper and written down what I should be doing.  It's boring and hard but it works.  It's been a few steps forwards, a few steps back.  But gradually I've made progress.  It's like when you're going up a hill and it feels like you're getting nowhere, but then you look behind you and think, wow I've come miles.  

I'm just sharing this because I know I always like to hear positive stories from others, it gives me hope.  CBT really does work guys.  It really does.  I've seen numerous times over the years how it can be almost miraculous in how it changes things.  But you have to stick with it, be patient, be consistent, and be persistent.  There will be setbacks and sometimes you'll kick yourself for giving into compulsions (I know I have countless times) but it does work.

In some ways I think this relapse for me has been a good thing as it's forced me to deal with things I'd allowed to fester for years and years.  I've looked at my underlying core beliefs and boy, some of them are stupid! 

Anyway I just wanted to share this with you in case it helps anyone, and also to remind myself!

Hope everyone is doing OK and enjoying the sun.

GBG x

 

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Thank you very much guys but really all credit is due to this forum without which I'd be utterly lost.

36 minutes ago, Lynz said:

Well done GBG. I'm curious as to what CBT techniques you used. Did you work from a particular self-help book?

Hi Lynz,

Well I've used a mish-mash really from various books I've read as well as techniques I've got elsewhere such as this forum.  But mostly I have pretty much followed Break free from OCD and Pulling the trigger, which I think are quite similar in what they recommend, in particular the idea of being 'anti-obsessional'. So I drew up a hierarchy of stuff I could do to challenge it and basically bashed away at it.   I also listed things I avoided - and I really struggled with this cos a lot of the stuff I was avoiding was quite subtle and I didn't realise I was doing it  - and tried to go and do them as much as possible, without resorting to compulsions (in particular confessing, reassurance-seeking and ruminating.  The holy trinity of OCD ridiculousness.) 

I put some time to one side most mornings and I wrote a list of (a) things I'd achieved the day before and (b) things I wanted to achieve that day.  And I'd read back over them the next day and feel a bit of a lift that I was making some progress, even if it didn't feel like it.

Also, I broke the back of ruminating by basically constantly making a deal with myself to "ruminate later".  I kept myself really busy and thought "I'll ruminate about this later".  Then when later came I'd think "I'll ruminate about this later". It felt horrible and irresponsible and morally wrong but I just decided to go with it and take that risk. 

But I think the thing that has really broken through for me is doing some cognitive work on my underlying core beliefs.  My big fear was that I am bad/evil etc. etc.  And I realised that my core belief around this is that I can only ever be "good" or "bad" and this is a binary state, and if I do even one thing that isn't good then it automatically makes me bad.  I believed deep down that mistakes or missteps are not OK.  So I looked at this core belief and realised it was totally inflexible and setting me up for constant self-loathing because mistakes are a natural part of life and always will be.  I realised that a huge compulsion of mine was to try and neutralise all my past mistakes - either by making amends, or confessing, or getting reassurance that they weren't that bad.  If I couldn't neutralise a mistake in this way it meant I was "bad" and therefore unforgivable.  

I've worked hard at replacing this rigid and extreme core belief with a more flexible and realistic one, i.e. mistakes are a natural part of life for everyone and they always will be.   I have stopped trying to neutralise past mistakes.  I have embraced being flawed and stopped monitoring myself, my actions and my thoughts.  I've always worried that if I stop strictly monitoring myself I will start behaving immorally etc.  I've decided to just take that risk and if it happens, let it happen.  So far I haven't robbed any old ladies or gone crazy :) 

Anyway I hope some of that makes sense.  A while ago I drew up a plan which I have largely followed - it's here if anyone wants to see:

 

GBG x

 

 

Edited by gingerbreadgirl
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Well Done GBG, glad you are in a much better place. I too struggle with the past and what it may or may not say about me as a person. I have been very black and white in my thinking about the past which as you say sets us up to fail. 

I think this black and white thinking is a problem for a lot of OCD sufferers. I could do with using this more flexible philosophy for myself - and in my attitude to others, I maybe need to be more forgiving of others too. 

Really good to hear your in such a good place now.:)

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This is AMAZING news!!! Well done GBG, I am so happy for u! U should be really proud of yourself, it may not feel like it to you but you have had a pretty quick turn around all because of ur hard work and determination! Long may it last xx

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6 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

My big fear was that I am bad/evil etc. etc.  And I realised that my core belief around this is that I can only ever be "good" or "bad" and this is a binary state, and if I do even one thing that isn't good then it automatically makes me bad.  I believed deep down that mistakes or missteps are not OK.  So I looked at this core belief and realised it was totally inflexible and setting me up for constant self-loathing because mistakes are a natural part of life and always will be.  I realised that a huge compulsion of mine was to try and neutralise all my past mistakes - either by making amends, or confessing, or getting reassurance that they weren't that bad.  If I couldn't neutralise a mistake in this way it meant I was "bad" and therefore unforgivable.  

I've worked hard at replacing this rigid and extreme core belief with a more flexible and realistic one, i.e. mistakes are a natural part of life for everyone and they always will be.   I have stopped trying to neutralise past mistakes.  I have embraced being flawed and stopped monitoring myself, my actions and my thoughts.  I've always worried that if I stop strictly monitoring myself I will start behaving immorally etc.  I've decided to just take that risk and if it happens, let it happen.  So far I haven't robbed any old ladies or gone crazy :) 

It gladdens my heart to read this, GBG. :) 

Breaking the habit of binary thinking and inflexibility is a HUGE achievement, and one that will go on paying dividends for the rest of your life. Well done, you!  :clapping::57439eb60db27_thumbup:

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21 minutes ago, snowbear said:

It gladdens my heart to read this, GBG. :) 

Breaking the habit of binary thinking and inflexibility is a HUGE achievement, and one that will go on paying dividends for the rest of your life. Well done, you!  :clapping::57439eb60db27_thumbup:

Thanks Snowbear.  It is very much a work in progress but I definitely think I have nailed down what I need to change and I am trying to challenge it whenever I can.  You have helped a LOT with my understanding of core beliefs and how to be more flexible with them etc.  :) so thank you!

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Our roads to recovery can be challenging.

Out yesterday to visit my aunt in the residential home in Rugby that now cares for her, I realised that the road was actually quite challenging, and when there was some traffic it wasn't that easy. 

There were constant speed zone changes, challenging bends, sudden roundabouts. I had to work ever so hard not to fall foul of something 

So on the way back I connected up the satnav. Not to give me directions - I knew the way - more to alert me of those changing speed zones and upcoming hazards. To use it this way, you simply switch to maps and it provides a rolling map progress of the journey. 

The journey back was much more comfortable with my little guide watching over me :)

On our recovery road, OCD-UK provides some "satnav" services, warning us of potential bumps bends and breakdowns, and not to go too fast :)  And as a result, like my real road travel experience yesterday, our road to recovery can be much smoother. 

 

Edited by taurean
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